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Conflicted about involving the command.... about everything

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hurtnuncertian

Junior Member
I'm not sure how this works. I am so confused on how to approach the situation and time is running out.

I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years now. The first 6 months of our marriage he cheated on me with multiple people, to which i have proof of him admitting to acts of infidelity via messages between him and her. It was while he was on deployment. When i found out about the affair I also found out i was pregnant. We decided to work it out or try to. Life with him has always been two sided. Most of the time his career life is a secret and i know nothing about. Which i understand, I am not supposed to know about what he does, but keeping me a secret from his friends is another issue. He also talks down to me with degrading name calling and upon going to counseling sessions i realized that it is really verbal abuse with some of the things he says. I have been doing my best to wait out this "immature" stage (if that is even the problem). I have working to better myself. I got a good job, and I am finishing up my degree.

He is on deployment again, and before he left we attended marriage counseling and created boundaries, he had 3 main ones, no women in his room, no getting drunk to the point of oblivion, and to talk to me at least once a day for 5-10 minutes, (which considering he is staying in a hotel he agreed to it being reasonable). All three have been broken. I have found a place for my child and I, and he quit sending money. I am completely self reliant and yet still hurt beyond repair.

After speaking with the ombudsman I realize that involving his command will not guarantee anything. I also realize that if i do involve the command it will be nothing but pure vengeance. I know that we have a daughter together, and I should just let it go and do what I am already put into motion with leaving. But it's so hard to leave with my head up, when i am constantly dragged down by him. I want to be free from him, I was hoping involving the command would do so, I feel so stuck and like a horrible person for even considering this possibility. Is there any advice that anyone can give that could possibly help in anyway?
 


Just Blue

Senior Member
I'm not sure how this works. I am so confused on how to approach the situation and time is running out.

I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years now. The first 6 months of our marriage he cheated on me with multiple people, to which i have proof of him admitting to acts of infidelity via messages between him and her. It was while he was on deployment. When i found out about the affair I also found out i was pregnant. We decided to work it out or try to. Life with him has always been two sided. Most of the time his career life is a secret and i know nothing about. Which i understand, I am not supposed to know about what he does, but keeping me a secret from his friends is another issue. He also talks down to me with degrading name calling and upon going to counseling sessions i realized that it is really verbal abuse with some of the things he says. I have been doing my best to wait out this "immature" stage (if that is even the problem). I have working to better myself. I got a good job, and I am finishing up my degree.

He is on deployment again, and before he left we attended marriage counseling and created boundaries, he had 3 main ones, no women in his room, no getting drunk to the point of oblivion, and to talk to me at least once a day for 5-10 minutes, (which considering he is staying in a hotel he agreed to it being reasonable). All three have been broken. I have found a place for my child and I, and he quit sending money. I am completely self reliant and yet still hurt beyond repair.

After speaking with the ombudsman I realize that involving his command will not guarantee anything. I also realize that if i do involve the command it will be nothing but pure vengeance. I know that we have a daughter together, and I should just let it go and do what I am already put into motion with leaving. But it's so hard to leave with my head up, when i am constantly dragged down by him. I want to be free from him, I was hoping involving the command would do so, I feel so stuck and like a horrible person for even considering this possibility. Is there any advice that anyone can give that could possibly help in anyway?
I don't know what to say but to leave this horrid person. I would also advise to continue with therapy. Best of luck to you and your family.
 

single317dad

Senior Member
You shouldn't do anything that would jeopardize his present or future gainful employment, specifically within the military. Just divorce him and be done with it.
 

hurtnuncertian

Junior Member
You shouldn't do anything that would jeopardize his present or future gainful employment, specifically within the military. Just divorce him and be done with it.

I realize this is an advice site and not a debate. As horrible as it sounds he can live in a cardboard box for all i care. His livelyhood is not a concern of mine, considering its not one of his. What would concern me is if my daughter has to visit a cardboard box. So all i have to say is; only your very last sentence makes sense to me, and it's the only thing I will take away from your post.
 
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hurtnuncertian

Junior Member
If you are not receiving any support from him tell his command about that.
Im not sure where the rest of your advice went... but what was said spoke volumes "love your child more than you hate your ex". She is and always has been my strength I shouldn't lose sight of that. Thank you.
 

Silverplum

Senior Member
I realize this is an advice site and not a debate. As horrible as it sounds he can live in a cardboard box for all i care. His livelyhood is not a concern of mine, considering its not one of his. What would concern me is if my daughter has to visit a cardboard box. So all i have to say is; only your very last sentence makes sense to me, and it's the only thing I will take away from your post.
Think: how will he pay support if you trash his career?
 

single317dad

Senior Member
I realize this is an advice site and not a debate. As horrible as it sounds he can live in a cardboard box for all i care. His livelyhood is not a concern of mine, considering its not one of his. What would concern me is if my daughter has to visit a cardboard box. So all i have to say is; only your very last sentence makes sense to me, and it's the only thing I will take away from your post.
You missed the point of my post. Not only will harming his career result in his lesser earning power (for calculation of child support), but the military is proactive in its requirement that its servicepeople pay their ordered support.

As in many things, you wield a knife that cuts both ways.
 

SHORTY LONG

Senior Member
hurtnuncertian, take heed to the advice shared from our member's professional experience; In essence: "Think about your child's overall welfare first and foremost!" War is hell, and to be "a wife to a soldier" is undoubtedly one of the most enduring trials you will undergo!

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." No one is angrier than a woman who has been rejected in love. This proverb is adapted from a line in the play The Mourning Bride, by William Congreve, an English author of the late seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries.
 

Just Blue

Senior Member
hurtnuncertian, take heed to the advice shared from our member's professional experience; In essence: "Think about your child's overall welfare first and foremost!" War is hell, and to be "a wife to a soldier" is undoubtedly one of the most enduring trials you will undergo!

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." No one is angrier than a woman who has been rejected in love. This proverb is adapted from a line in the play The Mourning Bride, by William Congreve, an English author of the late seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries.
Hey Shorty!! So glad to see you post!! :cool:
 

SHORTY LONG

Senior Member
Howdy Blue, with my many thanks to you! :) Happy 10 year anniversary. :) Just amazing how time flies as the seasons go by! No complaints, just my observation and comment; I fired complaining! ;):D
 

SHORTY LONG

Senior Member
Hi Sugurplum, :) *with my many hugs & belated happy :) 10TH anniversary* :) My very best to you & your Marines!!! Sometimes, it seems like it was just yesterday when we [10 year folk] joined FreeAdvice; just amazing! May we [all] have many many more 10 year :eek: anniversaries; and with lot's of pies. :);):D
 

Shadowbunny

Queen of the Not-Rights
I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years now. The first 6 months of our marriage he cheated on me with multiple people, to which i have proof of him admitting to acts of infidelity via messages between him and her.
If messages are the only proof you have, don't bother going to his command. Because messages can easily be faked, and they're not going to tank a career for anything less than solid proof.

And I'll echo what others' said: if he's not providing support, that's when you contact his command. You can go to JAG on base to find out what he is required to provide.

Keep in mind, as long as he's in, your child will have Tricare, even if you divorce.

Good luck.

(And nice to see you again, Mr. Shorty!).
 

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