arrested ex with telephonic harassment

[pizzaking]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

ex is being charged by state for telephonic harassment (class B misdemeanor). his lawyer contacted me for civil compromise. what do I do? I have PTSD that advanced to severe PTSD because of him and this contact has triggered me. I will talk to prosecutor on monday and let him know I have txt messages of him threatening to take my dog after I told him to not contact me on more than one occasion and him admitting to pushing me when he was drunk. will this make a difference to the case? how will having a misdemeanor on his record affect him in the future? What can I ask for as a compromise?

I met him 6mth after being raped and thought I was fine. He started showing red flags but would say I was overreacting or use my dog against me (i.e. you know she misses me). I was dealing with alot of guilt and shame from the rape and thought everything was my fault. I told him to go away in December 2012 and that is when he threatened to take my dog and I called the cops but they didn't do anything. I kept taking him back because I wasn't right in the head. My PTSD started to get uncontrollable around this time. In May 2013, I was diagsnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Once I was put on medication for this, I could see his true character and told him to stop contacting me. This is when he txted me 30 times and emailed me. I called the cops and they called him and told him not to contact me. He then sent about 15 more txt messages and I called the cops again and he was arrested for breaking the law since he disobeyed the officer. This has caused me distressed and my PTSD is now Severe PTSD and Severe Anxiety. I have had to move back to Colorado because I just feel unsafe from everything.

I just got to Colorado and was feeling better and now I am contacted by his lawyer for a civil compromise. Part of me wants to say, "yeah, $40,000 dollars and I will write the letter of settlement." (he is very well off). I am wondering if having this on his criminal record will really adversely affect him in the future (he works in a high end financial planning office and works in Politics) or if he is more worried about the stigma from his family for having this.

I am trying to figure out if I will feel closure knowing he is taking accountability for his actions by: A) having it on his record or B) hitting him where it hurts the most.....his wallet and make him at the same savings level as the majority of America. Also, if it will affect his job, He will be making bank by not having it on his record. I have to take this into consideration.

Please, any help will help me to stop obsessively thinking about it and getting flashbacks of my fear from it and my other traumas.

Thanks

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

ex is being charged by state for telephonic harassment (class B misdemeanor). his lawyer contacted me for civil compromise. what do I do? I have PTSD that advanced to severe PTSD because of him and this contact has triggered me. I will talk to prosecutor on monday and let him know I have txt messages of him threatening to take my dog after I told him to not contact me on more than one occasion and him admitting to pushing me when he was drunk. will this make a difference to the case? how will having a misdemeanor on his record affect him in the future? What can I ask for as a compromise?

I met him 6mth after being raped and thought I was fine. He started showing red flags but would say I was overreacting or use my dog against me (i.e. you know she misses me). I was dealing with alot of guilt and shame from the rape and thought everything was my fault. I told him to go away in December 2012 and that is when he threatened to take my dog and I called the cops but they didn't do anything. I kept taking him back because I wasn't right in the head. My PTSD started to get uncontrollable around this time. In May 2013, I was diagsnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Once I was put on medication for this, I could see his true character and told him to stop contacting me. This is when he txted me 30 times and emailed me. I called the cops and they called him and told him not to contact me. He then sent about 15 more txt messages and I called the cops again and he was arrested for breaking the law since he disobeyed the officer. This has caused me distressed and my PTSD is now Severe PTSD and Severe Anxiety. I have had to move back to Colorado because I just feel unsafe from everything.

I just got to Colorado and was feeling better and now I am contacted by his lawyer for a civil compromise. Part of me wants to say, "yeah, $40,000 dollars and I will write the letter of settlement." (he is very well off). I am wondering if having this on his criminal record will really adversely affect him in the future (he works in a high end financial planning office and works in Politics) or if he is more worried about the stigma from his family for having this.

I am trying to figure out if I will feel closure knowing he is taking accountability for his actions by: A) having it on his record or B) hitting him where it hurts the most.....his wallet and make him at the same savings level as the majority of America. Also, if it will affect his job, He will be making bank by not having it on his record. I have to take this into consideration.

Please, any help will help me to stop obsessively thinking about it and getting flashbacks of my fear from it and my other traumas.

Thanks

Please tell us his actual charge.

 

[pizzaking]

Please tell us his actual charge.

I did. Telephonic Harassment (ORS 166.090)

Class B Misdemeanor - Telephonic Harassment

 

[Proserpina]

I did. Telephonic Harassment (ORS 166.090)

Class B Misdemeanor - Telephonic Harassment

Vengeance is rarely healthy or productive. Plus, even if you were somehow able to get a money judgment against him, it may end up never being collectable.

 

[pizzaking]

Vengeance is rarely healthy or productive. Plus, even if you were somehow able to get a money judgment against him, it may end up never being collectable.

this isn't vengence. He would obsessively contact me and threaten to come over and steal my dog. Are you sure you read my post? I am talking about 30 txt messages a day and threats until I responded. I called the cops because he was scaring me. I have PTSD already and he sent me on a paranoid whirlwind.

And maybe you are not familiar with civil compromise, so it seems.

This is a settlement that is negotiated before the trial and the victim writes a letter of settlement upon completion of the compromise. His trial doesn't get dismissed until he fullfills the compromise.

 

[Eekamouse]

Oh wow. $40,000 to settle? That's a pretty high dollar amount and a bit over the top, don't you think? What makes you think you have the right to bring him down to the same savings level asthe majority of America? It would certainly bring your savings up to that imaginary level. He didn't cause your ADHD and your PTSD, although he may have aggravated the PTSD a bit. How much of that is his fault and how much is yours for jumping into a new relationship so soon after being raped?

 

[pizzaking]

Oh wow. $40,000 to settle? That's a pretty high dollar amount and a bit over the top, don't you think? What makes you think you have the right to bring him down to the same savings level asthe majority of America? It would certainly bring your savings up to that imaginary level. He didn't cause your ADHD and your PTSD, although he may have aggravated the PTSD a bit. How much of that is his fault and how much is yours for jumping into a new relationship so soon after being raped?

wow, you guys aren't being any help and are definitely not giving legal advice

$40,000 was an over the top number for a reason because he deserved the charges. He commited a crime and needs to take accountablity for it. He is the one who thinks he can buy people out. So I think, "Ok, how much is it worth to you?" I don't care about getting the money. I care about getting him to realize his wrong and how he was going down the abuser path. it's either by a judge and jury tell him that what he did was indeed harassment or by hurting him financially if that is what he wants to use as leverage. He approached ME about settlement**************.I never approached him. And I am not the one who is taking him to court. the State is because he disobeyed the officer. There is a big difference here.

And I am sorry, but your comment about after I was raped is really inappropriate. I never said he caused my PTSD or ADHD. I did say he aggravated it. and to say it is my fault, is very judging of you. I bet you are one of those who think a girl deserved to be raped because_____ (fill in the blank). After you witnessed a murder and are raped, tell me how you are afterwards and how great of judgement calls you make when you are living in a shocked blur.

Now please, can I get some responses that are actually helpful and not just attacking me....the victim...in the situation.

 

[Proserpina]

Now please, can I get some responses that are actually helpful and not just attacking me....the victim...in the situation.

You're still hurting and likely still going through counseling.

I'm being realistic. While closure is one thing, you've really got to weigh the benefits versus being in even more pain.

 

[sandyclaus]

wow, you guys aren't being any help and are definitely not giving legal advice

$40,000 was an over the top number for a reason because he deserved the charges. He commited a crime and needs to take accountablity for it. He is the one who thinks he can buy people out. So I think, "Ok, how much is it worth to you?" I don't care about getting the money. I care about getting him to realize his wrong and how he was going down the abuser path. it's either by a judge and jury tell him that what he did was indeed harassment or by hurting him financially if that is what he wants to use as leverage. He approached ME about settlement**************.I never approached him. And I am not the one who is taking him to court. the State is because he disobeyed the officer. There is a big difference here.

And I am sorry, but your comment about after I was raped is really inappropriate. I never said he caused my PTSD or ADHD. I did say he aggravated it. and to say it is my fault, is very judging of you. I bet you are one of those who think a girl deserved to be raped because_____ (fill in the blank). After you witnessed a murder and are raped, tell me how you are afterwards and how great of judgement calls you make when you are living in a shocked blur.

Now please, can I get some responses that are actually helpful and not just attacking me....the victim...in the situation.

Here's the thing. You would only be entitled to damages if you actually INCURRED damages.

He did not cause your ADHD or your PTSD, and only aggravated it according to you. That would greatly reduce any potential damages you might get. He pushed you when he was drunk (and HOW were you physically injured by that?) and he threatened to take away your dog. Those things don't add up to anywhere near the $40k shock value you are hoping to get from him.

As for thinking you deserved to be raped? That wasn't what was said AT ALL. What was said is that your judgment was severely compromised - both by the precipitating event (the rape and being a witness to a murder) and by the PTSD that you experienced afterwards. You weren't paying attention to the signs that this new beau might just not be a good choice for you. That is absolutely true, which is why the previous poster said that you had to take some blame for allowing this abuse to continue for as long as it did.

No one deserves to be raped. But this other guy also doesn't deserved to be "raped" by your demand for a ridiculous amount of money because of your own lack of judgment. He shouldn't agree to pay you a dime more than what you were actually damaged by his actions. Given that you were already suffering from PTSD, you are going to find it extremely difficult to put an actual dollar sign on what HE did as opposed to what you were already experiencing since the precipitating event. Extra counseling sessions? Maybe. But you are not going to win a lawsuit lottery over this. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. Leave the blame for your mental issues where they belong - on the person(s) and events that actually caused them and take responsibility for your recovery.

 

[pizzaking]

You're still hurting and likely still going through counseling.

I'm being realistic. While closure is one thing, you've really got to weigh the benefits versus being in even more pain.

Thank you.

That is what I am trying to figure out. I have never heard of civil compromise. I have never called the cops to get someone arrested before. This is a big deal to me. One of my problems before was never taking action for my abuse. I mentally couldn't and I found out I have had a mental illness for a long time. Moderate TBI when I was 12 and a traumatic event every 2 years of my life. I just now got on medication and I stood up for myself for the first time in my life. I called the cops because someone was doing something wrong to me. I told them to stop and they didn't stop......just like my rape.

I thought that was the end of it. The officer called him and told him to stop contacting me and he didn't! I thought he would but he didn't. So I called the cops again because I was so afraid of him stealing my dog since he said he would. When the cop looked at my phone he was shocked by how many txt he sent me after the other officer told him to stop. They were thinking of raising it to stalking charges. I had no clue. All I wanted was for him to stop.

All the evidence is there. I thought that was the end of it. He goes to trial and even if he says not guilty. The evidence is irrefutable (sp) and hopefully there will never be another victim from him. But now he has come to me with a paying me out??? what the?

So, I am just trying to see what will be the best course of action. That is why I am coming here for help. Do I give a large amount sum to start negotiations and show that he can't just pay out someone who he hurts, or do I do nothing and just let him get the criminal record??

that is why I am wondering what is the consequence of him having the record?

 

[pizzaking]

Here's the thing. You would only be entitled to damages if you actually INCURRED damages.

He did not cause your ADHD or your PTSD, and only aggravated it according to you. That would greatly reduce any potential damages you might get. He pushed you when he was drunk (and HOW were you physically injured by that?) and he threatened to take away your dog. Those things don't add up to anywhere near the $40k shock value you are hoping to get from him.

As for thinking you deserved to be raped? That wasn't what was said AT ALL. What was said is that your judgment was severely compromised - both by the precipitating event (the rape and being a witness to a murder) and by the PTSD that you experienced afterwards. You weren't paying attention to the signs that this new beau might just not be a good choice for you. That is absolutely true, which is why the previous poster said that you had to take some blame for allowing this abuse to continue for as long as it did.

No one deserves to be raped. But this other guy also doesn't deserved to be "raped" by your demand for a ridiculous amount of money because of your own lack of judgment. He shouldn't agree to pay you a dime more than what you were actually damaged by his actions. Given that you were already suffering from PTSD, you are going to find it extremely difficult to put an actual dollar sign on what HE did as opposed to what you were already experiencing since the precipitating event. Extra counseling sessions? Maybe. But you are not going to win a lawsuit lottery over this. NOT. EVEN. CLOSE. Leave the blame for your mental issues where they belong - on the person(s) and events that actually caused them and take responsibility for your recovery.

yeah, again. You don't understand what I am saying. He is trying to settle with me. I am not taking him to court. The state is taking him to court. I am not TRYING to get a judgement for money. Please read up on civil compromise which I clearly stated in the original post before giving opinions. and I also think you have a judgement on someone calling a charge of harrassment on another person. I shouldn't even have to defend myself but you make me feel like I have to. He harrassed me, threatened me, stalked me, and commited coercion (sp). He commited a crime and is being charged for the crime he commited....full stop.

 

[OHRoadwarrior]

It appears you also fell on your head. I suggest if you feel he owes you some sort of honorarium, you consult a lawyer for a realistic amount. The state is not negotiating for you to receive a financial windfall. They are prosecuting what they perceive as a violation of law. A separate matter.

 

[pizzaking]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Oregon

ex is being charged by state for telephonic harassment (class B misdemeanor). his lawyer contacted me for civil compromise. what do I do? I have PTSD that advanced to severe PTSD because of him and this contact has triggered me. I will talk to prosecutor on monday and let him know I have txt messages of him threatening to take my dog after I told him to not contact me on more than one occasion and him admitting to pushing me when he was drunk. will this make a difference to the case? how will having a misdemeanor on his record affect him in the future? What can I ask for as a compromise?

I met him 6mth after being raped and thought I was fine. He started showing red flags but would say I was overreacting or use my dog against me (i.e. you know she misses me). I was dealing with alot of guilt and shame from the rape and thought everything was my fault. I told him to go away in December 2012 and that is when he threatened to take my dog and I called the cops but they didn't do anything. I kept taking him back because I wasn't right in the head. My PTSD started to get uncontrollable around this time. In May 2013, I was diagsnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Once I was put on medication for this, I could see his true character and told him to stop contacting me. This is when he txted me 30 times and emailed me. I called the cops and they called him and told him not to contact me. He then sent about 15 more txt messages and I called the cops again and he was arrested for breaking the law since he disobeyed the officer. This has caused me distressed and my PTSD is now Severe PTSD and Severe Anxiety. I have had to move back to Colorado because I just feel unsafe from everything.

I just got to Colorado and was feeling better and now I am contacted by his lawyer for a civil compromise. Part of me wants to say, "yeah, $40,000 dollars and I will write the letter of settlement." (he is very well off). I am wondering if having this on his criminal record will really adversely affect him in the future (he works in a high end financial planning office and works in Politics) or if he is more worried about the stigma from his family for having this.

I am trying to figure out if I will feel closure knowing he is taking accountability for his actions by: A) having it on his record or B) hitting him where it hurts the most.....his wallet and make him at the same savings level as the majority of America. Also, if it will affect his job, He will be making bank by not having it on his record. I have to take this into consideration.

Please, any help will help me to stop obsessively thinking about it and getting flashbacks of my fear from it and my other traumas.

Thanks

I posted in another thread but is a duplicate. I would like to add another component.

He has minor charges that are concealed. Will the judge know of these and will it affect the sentence?

 

[pizzaking]

Oregon law

It appears you also fell on your head. I suggest if you feel he owes you some sort of honorarium, you consult a lawyer for a realistic amount. The state is not negotiating for you to receive a financial windfall. They are prosecuting what they perceive as a violation of law. A separate matter.

Can I please get some advice from people who know oregon law????

Why does everyone assume I am trying to get restitution??? I never said restitution.

let me say it again:

HIS LAWYER CAME TO ME TO DO A CIVIL COMPROMISE. (he is trying to pay me out to try and get the trial/charges dismissed)

get it?? got it?? good

Now can everyone stop thinking I am a gold digger just trying to scam money out of him???

 

[stealth2]

Alrighty then.