defamation of character/libel

[local498]

What is the name of your state? Wisconsin

Hi. I am looking for advice and some sense of the legal applications of the following situation. I have been divorced for nearly 8 years. My X and I have one child, age 8. We have joint custody of our child; I have sole placement of the child. My X has verbally harassed me (my opinion at this point) since the point of separation. Usually twice yearly, he threatens to take me to court and reduce child support payments (which are state-mandated and garnished). He has (per him) convinced his family, coworkers, friends and new wife that I am an immoral, evil and irresponsible witch. He accuses me of neglect of our child (not true) and has stated verbally and in writing that he and his wife want to take my son and raise him themselves. He has sent letters threatening to take me to court (usually for reducing support payments, sometimes for taking our son). In the past, this has scared me tremendously to the point of seeking counseling. He says that I am crazy (not true even in the loosest of terms). Our son was diagnosed with several autoimmune diseases in the past two years. Our son also has a history of behavioral problems which have caused suspension as early as kindergarten and kept me on the verge of seeking new daycare approximately once yearly. I have never known what has caused our son's difficulties, and believe me I have researched and tried to help him more than any parent I can imagine. He attended counseling for three years. I've tried ritalin, adderall and other meds per Doctors ideas (never helped). Perhaps his issues are medical based and yet no answer can be found to this point. My exhusband says that our son's problems are *my* fault. He has accused me of sleeping all day (who has time?!), having men sleep over while my son is home (never happened), getting undue child support (the state mandates and garnishes - not my decision!), and more. At one point (2 years ago) he asked my son by phone if he (son) ever "sees a man in mommy's bed in the morning" and "are there any man's clothing in mommy's closet?" Most recently, my son told me that Daddy says Mommy sleeps all day because she's lazy. He recently accused me of being neglectful because I bought my son Velcro (not tied) tennis shoes and because he has had to our son's fingernails on more than one occasion (he doesnt' think that the father should have to do this menial task). He humiliated my son by telling him that all the kids will laugh at him for those velcro shoes. My son was upset but I reassured him. Stupid, right? A few days ago I received two more emails from my ex...this is after I sent a reply to his previous email and told him to "stop harassing me by sending emails"...in one of the new emails he said that he "would like to get my blood tested" because he is certain that he has "smelled pot in my home". I don't own or use any illegal drugs. And another accusation came up: About a year ago, my son (who suffers from anxiety) woke up in the middle of the night, couldn't "find me" and walked out of the house in his underwear in the middle of wintertime "looking for me". But my ex-husband said in this email that he doesn't believe that that I was home - he thinks I was sleeping over at my boyfriend's while my son was home alone. Without rambling, let me state to you that this is NOT true. My son has a history of sleep disturbances which have disappeared since starting on anti-anxiety meds shortly after this episode.
I am a doctor. I have an excellent job, make a good salary, have a wonderful man in my life now. My son is a beautiful child who has many challenges but is active socially in sports and with friends. My son requires four injections of insulin daily and cannot consume regular foods - that is, I have to prepare or personally monitor every bit of food that enters into his body or he can die. I work full-time, care for my son's medical conditions, maintain a home and try to find some time left-over for "me". My family thinks I do a great job, and my friends think I am the best Mom in the world. But my ex- continues to try to make me miserable. Often, it works - at least for awhile. I bought my son toys for Christmas - my ex says they are electronic babysitters to take the place of a mother who doesn't spend time with him. He has accused me (written and verbally) of being a liar. He tells my son that I am a liar. This is all damaging to my son, who is in the middle. I tell my son that Daddy is mad at me, not him. But it upsets him. My son says he feels sad when Daddy says bad things about me, but that he is afraid to tell Daddy because "he'll get mad at me." When I tell my ex- that he is upsetting our son, my ex- calls me a liar.

IS there any possibility of a defamation/libel/slander suit here? According to my ex-husband, his whole family, coworkers and friends "know all about my acts". Given history, I have no doubt (NO doubt) that he has told everyone he knows of what a horrible mother he thinks I am.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

This is kind of strange. I'm going to say it -- If you're a doctor, you should know that the first thing needed is a restraining order against your ex-husband. You should also know that your ex-husband is either honing in on something accurate about your character (and that this could possibly adversely effect your practice or license) or that he is just a nut. If you don't know what's going on and how this might affect your practice and/or license or what should do to stop it regardless if it can affect your practice, call an attorney now. You're bound to have the resources to consult an attorney for this (especially considering the implications here).

hmmbrdzz

 

[local498]

reply to yours

Hi. thanks for the response. I need to apologize because I should've forseen the misunderstanding - I am a Ph.D. doctor, not a medical doctor. I have a Ph.D. in molecular genetics and currently work for a pharmaceutical company. So you see, my ex-husband's effect to my career is (as I imagine it) limited to the harassing emails that he sends to my work email account, thereby upsetting me to the point of tears when I am trying to do my job. My ex used to tell me when I was in grad school, "If you were a medical doctor, that'd be cool - but a Ph.D?! Nobody give a sh-t about that!" Perhaps it is true on some level, but I am proud of my accomplishments and the positive example that this sets for my son.

I did not know that I can get a restraining order for this? Are you sure? Since we have a son and have joint legal custody (though our son has lived solely with me for 8 years now), I assumed that this would not be possible. I really just want him to leave me alone - personally, I mean. I want him to limit his communications to subjects related strictly to our son, rather than to my purported character flaws. I am not a perfect person, that is true. However, I swear that everything I wrote in my initial letter to this forum was 100% true. I do not do drugs. My son is not even remotely "neglected". He is my whole world, and not a day goes by that he is visiting his Dad for a weekend that I don't miss my son. I have never left my son to sleep during my absence. I do not have men stay overnight in my home. I do not even typically allow men whom I have dated to meet my son...it doesn't seem right. The man with whom I am currently involved has been in our lives for three years. Of course he knows my son. But he has never, ever stayed overnight while my son was here. It would be wrong. As I said, I am not perfect. In running a household, I need to do dishes, laundry, take out the garbage, grocery shop, go to the drycleaners, get my car fixed and pay my taxes...when perhaps I should play with my son and his Legos more often. But these are practical responsibilities of running a household - they must be done, and I have no one else here to do them. I work full-time. During my son's worst issues at school, I balanced and reworked the budget every way imaginable to figure out a way to stay home and home-school my son so that I could help him through his behavioral issues. But it was not financially possible. I almost did it anyway. But would that be the right decision? To sell the house, move to an apartment, and relinquish a career along with his college savings and my retirement funds? Practical decisions must be made too. My ex does not understand. His wife stays home. She has ample time to do the dishes and still play Legos...but according to my son, she doesn't play with him. I cannot help that I work, but this doesn't make me a bad mother. As for cutting my son's fingernails...my ex used to call me on the phone during his weekend visits to TELL me that he had to cut our son's fingernails. I thought this was so petty, that I told him that from that point onward cutting nails was HIS job. Of course he still doesn't do it, and he still calls to tell me that he "had to cut our son's nails." He seems to feel that he has no responsibility towards menial tasks of raising a child. He has threatened me so many times about taking me to court to reduce child support that I can't count anymore. He says his coworkers all tell him to quit being a wimp and to take me to court. Let me add also that since our son was diagnosed with his autoimmune diseases, my ex stopped paying for medical expenses despite the custody agreement which states this is his responsibility. I once told him that I wanted reimbursement and he wrote me a rude letter stating that he pays sufficient child support and that he refuses to pay medical expenses despite the court's decree. It occurred to me today that it would be easier to take him to court on this point, since I have a legal document and his written refusal to comply with the contract. As for being imperfect, I have past speeding tickets and once dated a guy who was separated but not divorced. I guess that makes me immoral. The question is, would a court judge me unfit to mother my child because of these things? What do you think? I am a responsible person. I have never made a late payment or bounced a check in my life. My son is well-clothed and fed. I drop him off at school or daycare each day and pick him up each night. I have taken him to Disney, SeaWorld, camping every summer and Italy last May. He is a straight A student and I taught him to read myself by writing books using simple words and flash cards for him. I bought him a puppy last summer. I took him swimming last week and played indoor football with him last night. Yes, sometimes his pant length is too short before I realize that he has grown, and once I realize this then I buy him bigger clothes. Does this make me inattentive? How do single parents keep on top of everything without mistake? I am forgetful because I have so many things to remember - yet I do remember the most important elements, like my son's insulin injections and homework. I don't think my ex is "nuts" clinically, but I do believe that he has never forgiven me for wanting our divorce. I do believe that he wants me to pay for that, and that he uses our child to hurt me. Does that make him a better parent? I sure don't think so. He knows my insecurities and plays them. By the way, I also drive to meet him half-way for the exchange of our son after weekend visits...I do this to make it easier on my ex. I keep thinking I am foolish for helping him in light of his disrespect and slander. But it is not my nature to be confrontational or to seek revenge. I try to get along. My family says that he will always treat me like a piece of dirt and that when our son turns out fine my ex will say, "It's a miracle that he turned out okay given his mother." How much do I need to put up with, legally? Is this acceptable that he state things like that he wishes he could test my blood because he is certain I smoke pot? What is the long-term impact of allowing this to continue? And what is the likelihood of stopping it through legal action?

Thanks for any input.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

You ought to be proud of your accomplishments. When I read your first post, the first thing I thought (after I thought you were a medical doctor) was "well, she's doing all the right things -- her ex-husband, without having the battle of a lifetime, couldn't easily contend she's negligent and get custody of these kids". In other words, it sounds like you're doing a good job. He sounds like a man scorned, and you sound like someone who's' not real sure if they are ready to live a life without the scorn (just a friendly observation).

If you have made the decision that you truly want this man to leave you alone -- yes -- you can get a restraining order that will very specifically tell him what he can and cannot do. All you have to do is tell him one time "leave me alone -- do not call me at work, at home, or harass me otherwise. Do not send me e-mails". If he does not comply with your request and violates your wishes to this regard, you have grounds to seek a restraining order.

I might suggest -- prior to taking this step -- warning him of your intentions to proceed legally if he keeps it up. You write well, and you could inform him of your desires -- sent certified. But be BRIEF as possible. Do not go into elaborate detail. You can specify "I don't want you to call me anymore because you say ugly and threatening things to me when you call. Do not call me
anymore -- not at work, not at home, not anywhere. Or... I do not want you to e-mail anymore because you write ugly and threatening things. Do not e-mail me anymore. etc. etc. If he violates your request and has total disregard for it, go to the magistrates office (the court house) and tell them what's up and why you want a restraining order.

Child support and child visitation, i.e. arranging for the exchange between one home to the next, can be set up in the restraining order. A judge is not going to let these things get in the way of telling your ex-husband to stop harassing you. If he violates a domestic restraining, there is a very strong chance he will go to jail.

Legally, (or practically) he can say just about anything bad about you to anyone he wants to. His family, his friends, his co-workers, even his child. With a restraining order, though, he won't be able to say it directly to you, and he will probably think twice before he says it to anyone else if a restraining order is sitting in his soup (food for thought).

I hope things will get better for you. You may want to consider, also, seeking the advice of a good ole "therapist". Oh those things called "shrinks". This situation with your ex will run you insane if something doesn't give pretty soon! So what the
heck -- go lean back on the leather couch for a while and mouth off at the therapist. It's always a good, safe sounding board. If you've got time, that is!!

If it's any consolation, I am a professional, and I was a single parent, but my son is now in the Army!! It wasn't easy, as I recall (and you DO forget how hard it used to be!)

I picture a short-panted 8 yr old boy running around with a puppy and a football in tote. Cute.

Good luck, and Happy New Year.

hmmbrdzz

 

[local498]

Hi again.

I just wanted to thank you for your kind, informative and validating response. You made me feel much better about this. I spoke with a lawyer in my home area today about filing for a restraining order. He gave me additional information about the legalities, and now I feel more empowered. I did bring up your idea about sending a certified letter to my ex-, expressing that I no longer want any communication that is not strictly related to my son's well-being...the lawyer agreed that this idea is a good one. I need to think some more on this approach, as I really don't wish any confrontations here. I just want to live my life in peace. However, I did tell my ex- tonight that I will no longer be driving half-way for my son's visitations - I have been doing this for years in order to help him out, to lessen his amount of driving. I concisely stated that I would not be driving to meet him. He immediately responded with, "Well, that doesn't surprise me at all since..."and I hung up on him mid-sentence. It felt good.

Before I spoke to my ex-, I explained to my son in general terms that I will not be driving and that Daddy will probably be mad at me but that he (my son) must know that a consequence exists for inappropriate behavior - even in Daddy's case. My son had no problem with this, since he knows that Daddy says awful things about me. As an afterthought (and perhaps this crosses the line a bit), I asked my son if *I* have ever said bad things about Daddy in front of him. My son replied that I have never said anything bad about Daddy, that sometimes Daddy is "weird" like that, and then added that I am a really nice person and never mean to people. I thought this was so sweet, and my faith was restored in that I am handling this appropriately.

Thank you again for your kindness. It is people like you [who reach out to those of us who need guidance and understanding] who make this world a better place. I appreciate it.

Have a wonderful day.

 

[hmmbrdzz]

You have a great day, too. And best of luck to you in this new year. Sounds like you're starting it out right AND new!

hmmbrdzz