Help me to stop him!

[momofwttd]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

My soon-to-be ex has molested his step-daugther since she was 8. They both hid it very well from me. I am devistated that I brought him into my family. We have a daughter together and she is now 8.

We have filed the reports and expected the judicial system to due their duty to protect my child and prosecute him. NOT! The local advocacy center has not interviewed him and closed the case. No proof. Her word against his. They won't waste the time without knowing they can win the case. How do they know without investigating? How can they appoint themselves judge and jury?

He filed for divorce and wants visitation and even overnights with his own daughter. She wants nothing to do with him and she doesn't even know what he has done to her sister. I can't let this happen.

He is military. He won't pay child support and have gone 2 years with no order for support. We settled some issues that were presented and put on record in October. He won't completely settle because he says he doesn't owe back support and won't agree to paying any. Now he is pushing for this to go to trial. He wants me out of the house in 30 days. I have no where to go and no money. My children are terrified that he is going to hurt us. The van I was driving mysteriously caught on fire and burned 1 week after he was denied Christmas visitation with his daughter. They want me to forget it happened and make our daughter spend time with her. She is afraid he will kidnap her. He and his mother cornered at the funeral home one night and traumatized her.

I was told I could take out a warrant myself but no one will advise me as to the process and the pros and cons of this action.

 

[StevenJ_420Law]

What about a civil restraining order? I'm not familiar with your state, but there is very likely a civil restraining order type process. While its not a criminal action, they would serve to keep him away from her temporarily pending a hearing. .then the judge would decide and the burden of proof is lower than that for a criminal case.

Check with the court, local women's crisis shelter, or local legal aid resource... or obviously your own attorney if you can get one.

 

[momofwttd]

What about a civil restraining order? I'm not familiar with your state, but there is very likely a civil restraining order type process. While its not a criminal action, they would serve to keep him away from her temporarily pending a hearing. .then the judge would decide and the burden of proof is lower than that for a criminal case.

Check with the court, local women's crisis shelter, or local legal aid resource... or obviously your own attorney if you can get one.

Thanks for answering me. I do have a RO against him. I have a couple of police reports of him harassing me. With the divorce being dealt with he wants the RO dropped. I am just petrified that he will get visitation because there is no proof of his molestation. As far as women's crisis shelters I have checked and they don't offer anything but a place to sleep. We still have to carry on with our normal lives and that doesn't stop him from harming us. Local aid resources in this area are a joke. It's like no one wants to deal with this. They want to close their eyes and act like it didn't happen.

Thanks again for your help.

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

My soon-to-be ex has molested his step-daugther since she was 8. They both hid it very well from me. I am devistated that I brought him into my family. We have a daughter together and she is now 8.

How exactly did this come to light?


What proof existed?

We have filed the reports and expected the judicial system to due their duty to protect my child and prosecute him. NOT! The local advocacy center has not interviewed him and closed the case.

Do you mean the police and CPS were involved and didn't even investigate?

No proof. Her word against his. They won't waste the time without knowing they can win the case. How do they know without investigating? How can they appoint themselves judge and jury?

See previous question.

He filed for divorce and wants visitation and even overnights with his own daughter. She wants nothing to do with him and she doesn't even know what he has done to her sister. I can't let this happen.

Why does your 8 year old want nothing to do with her father?

That is NOT normal.

The decision won't be yours to make, btw. It will be up to the courts.

He is military. He won't pay child support and have gone 2 years with no order for support. We settled some issues that were presented and put on record in October. He won't completely settle because he says he doesn't owe back support and won't agree to paying any.

If there is no court order for support, he's right. He's not obliged to pay a cent until there's a court order.


What have you done about this?

Now he is pushing for this to go to trial. He wants me out of the house in 30 days. I have no where to go and no money. My children are terrified that he is going to hurt us. The van I was driving mysteriously caught on fire and burned 1 week after he was denied Christmas visitation with his daughter. They want me to forget it happened and make our daughter spend time with her. She is afraid he will kidnap her. He and his mother cornered at the funeral home one night and traumatized her.

I was told I could take out a warrant myself but no one will advise me as to the process and the pros and cons of this action.

WHY would your daughter be afraid of kidnapping?

Seriously - I don't mean to be harsh, but what have you been telling her?

 

[StevenJ_420Law]

Thanks for answering me. I do have a RO against him. I have a couple of police reports of him harassing me. With the divorce being dealt with he wants the RO dropped. I am just petrified that he will get visitation because there is no proof of his molestation. As far as women's crisis shelters I have checked and they don't offer anything but a place to sleep. We still have to carry on with our normal lives and that doesn't stop him from harming us. Local aid resources in this area are a joke. It's like no one wants to deal with this. They want to close their eyes and act like it didn't happen.

Thanks again for your help.

Have all the facts been laid out to the judge in the divorce/custody case? Have they sent you, him and her to a mediator - separately and together. Have you gotten her a specialist who can meet with her and testify? Have they appointed her her own attorney? And if not, why dont they? Youre in the wrong forum, this can very well be at least addressed in a forthright and straight forward way to the court.

I dont know how things work there...

I dont have advice on forcing the state to file a case if you have made all the right reports - they need good evidence to have a felony stand up past very early stages. The good advice you need would be family law specialists. Yes, its not punishment, but you have a job to do NOW as a parent.

I'll tell you right now... disgusting nauseating child molestation cases get dropped because they cannot be proven. Either the girl backs down or the defense gets it blown away or files so many discoveries.. (personal diaries of the girl, etc).. it can be a very gross process.

So keep hammering them at criminal, but do your job in family court and make sure a minimum she knows to report any issues at all, in the event there is visitation. She is older now. Maybe the stuff you do in the family case will help build a criminal case. You need a lawyer and she needs a lawyer. Hopefully this guy finds a way to where he belongs.

And FYI, a court order to the military and he is paying child support. I dont know how that is being allowed. Get that done.

 

[acmb05]

I am not disbelieving your story however I find it very hard to believe that he was not arrested for this when the charges were brought up in the first place. Especially if he is military. What reports have you filed? Were the police called and a complaint made?

When were these reports made? Before or after he filed for divorce? If they made after they could have been looked at as retaliation.

You need to go to the police and press charges not some advocacy group.

 

[momofwttd]

How exactly did this come to light?

My daughter had broken down one night watching the news with a friend and her mother who were living with us. The news was about a man being arrested for molestation. The friends mother asked her daughter if someone did that to her would she tell. They talked for a few minutes and noticed my daughter was crying. She told them that he had molested her. The mother told her to tell me. The mother also told me so I would know ahead of time and wouldn't freak out in front of my daughter. She did tell me one night soon after and the first words out of her mouth were "He a nasty little pervert and he doesn't need to be anywhere near ??? (his own daughter)."

What proof existed?

There is not proof. What proof can there be of him touching her and her doin things to him? That is part of the problem. They don't want to do anything because they say it is her word against his.



Do you mean the police and CPS were involved and didn't even investigate?

Yes. I filed a report in our small town. I filed a report with the county and it was turned over to the local advocacy center to investigate. They interviewed me, my daughter, her friend and mother that she told first. That was it. I received a phone call and was told that he could not be reached. I told her that she had his correct numbers that I had just used a few weeks ago before this started. No one else has done another thing. I don't understand why it stopped there. I had called the lady in charge and she never returned my phone calls. I heard from the county officer we made the report with that she thought the case was closed.





Why does your 8 year old want nothing to do with her father?

That is NOT normal.

The decision won't be yours to make, btw. It will be up to the courts.

I don't know why she doesn't want anything to do with him. He has always been a part time dad being a military recruiter. He has never been around children and had no idea what to do. He told me after she was born that he knew there was nothing he could do to help with the baby. He never changed a diaper of kept her alone by himself. I took the baby everywhere with me. I am now thinking it was because he was afraid that he might get those feelings and molest her if he was alone with her?

I know the routine of divorce. I know not to talk in front of the child or say things. I haven't. She doesn't know what he did to her sister. I am so afraid that he was done something to her. She won't talk about him. She pretends to not remember things about him if asked and quickly changes the subject. He forced a DNA test to try to prove I'm the ???? he has always acused me of being. I didn't talk to her about the test but she knew what it was. She made the comment a few months later at church when Fathers Day was mentioned that she didn't have one. I just looked at her and she was upset asking why it had to be him. She has suggested that she wants him to sign a paper saying that he won't be her dad anymore. I gues we watch too much TV.

I would be my choice if he would agree to the divorce without it going before the judge. We had made great headway into this issue so that I wouldn't have to be the bad guy and try to make her go to see him. Now because of the back child support he says he doesn't owe we are wasting money that neither of us has to go to court.



If there is no court order for support, he's right. He's not obliged to pay a cent until there's a court order.


What have you done about this?

We have been a court room twice in two years. The first was over his Christmas visitation. His lawyer was irate and was arguing with the judge that he couldn't set a support amount because he was paying for the house, van and insurance. I had to explain that he had already gone against the divorce papers by letting the insurance on the van drop and I was paying for it. That is why I know he had something to do with the van burning a week later. No van...no payment. Then I am left with nothing to drive. I received a blocked call a couple of hours from a landline phone on my cell phone and when my sister answered for me, the other end was slammed down. I can't get anyone to request from the cell phone company that number. I know it was him calling from his office in Florida checking to see if I was still alive. He has always bragged that being military (government) he could do anything he wanted and get by with it. He has ways.



WHY would your daughter be afraid of kidnapping?

Seriously - I don't mean to be harsh, but what have you been telling her?

I haven't told her anything. He threatened Easter of 2007 to come home and take her back to Florida. He used the word kidnap, not me. They talked of not letting him come home for Easter but he did anyway. He even talked to her about his mom bringing her to Florida to see him. She was 4 then. She has never been anywhere without me and never been alone with him. She was terrified at the thought of being without me. I was told to call his commanding officer and report that he was talking about kidnapping his daughter. I talked to his officer and chaplin. They were all so concerned. They did nothing. The chaplin told him upon his return to Florida that if he wasn't living a married life then get out. I don't trust the military to do anything to him. I don't know enough about civilian law much less the workings of the miliatary to know what to do.

 

[momofwttd]

I am not disbelieving your story however I find it very hard to believe that he was not arrested for this when the charges were brought up in the first place. Especially if he is military. What reports have you filed? Were the police called and a complaint made?

He was never interviewed much less charged. I don't understand how the law works. I expected him to be arrested first. I was told a year later that he would be interviewed first then a decision would be made about arresting him. All I know is that if any of this comes about to ruin his precious military career then he will follow through with his threats to take care of me and my daughter.

When were these reports made? Before or after he filed for divorce? If they made after they could have been looked at as retaliation.

He was stationed in Florida. He reported 11-2006 until 1-2010. She told me on 7-18-2008 and he filed for divorce in Florida through his local attorney here at home and he signed the papers in Florida 8-1-2008. I had not spoken to him since 7-14-2008.
You need to go to the police and press charges not some advocacy group.

I went to the police and filed reports. They explained that the don't do anything. It is handed over to the local advocacy center. I don't understand law procedures. Can I go and file charges myself? I thought they would arrest him, investigate and would go to trial. Not. Everyone acts like it didn't happen and that she is lying. I worry about the message this is sending about our judicial system.

 

[StevenJ_420Law]

I went to the police and filed reports. They explained that the don't do anything. It is handed over to the local advocacy center. I don't understand law procedures. Can I go and file charges myself? I thought they would arrest him, investigate and would go to trial.

You watch too much TV.

Everyone acts like it didn't happen and that she is lying.

Some people dont like to listen and/or hear what they want to hear. You should be doing everything they (and your attorney) say and more. Everyone in this business treats child molestation very seriously; however, you have a preconceived notion of how something should be so maybe that is handicapping appropriate action on your part - because it is how it is. You need to start paying attention to the people and follow the program. The system isnt going to invent a new program for you. You are obviously involved in a ugly divorce- maybe have some credibility issues, and likely wont listen, do, or understand what they are telling you to do.

What is your lawyer doing????

I worry about the message this is sending about our judicial system.

Again, you need really need to start paying attention. Really.

 

[momofwttd]

Have all the facts been laid out to the judge in the divorce/custody case? Have they sent you, him and her to a mediator - separately and together. Have you gotten her a specialist who can meet with her and testify? Have they appointed her her own attorney? And if not, why dont they? Youre in the wrong forum, this can very well be at least addressed in a forthright and straight forward way to the court.

Not yet. We made agreements to settle everything in October and his attorney presented the decisions to a judge that day. I was rushed into this that day because his attorney was ordered to defend conflict of interest with me. He represented me in a parenting plan in 2001 after I had married this man. Now he is his divorce lawyer against me. I had not known of this being an issue until we were sitting in a mediator's office in April 2009. We didn't finalize anything that day and he decided to wait 3 months before we signed the papers. Nothing was presented about the house except he takes the debt. He now wants me out in 30 days after papers are signed. I have nowhere to go and no money. He isn't paying support.

His mother filed for shared visitation. I have never heard of such and sounds a lot like grandparents rights. Tennessee doesn't recognize grandparents rights. I was told that if I wanted we could ask the judge to appoint her a lawyer to represent her but I would have to pay for the lawyer. At that time I could. Now no. I got him to verbily agree to that his mom didn't need her every other weekend. She never came around or had anything to do with her while we were married and didn't call or come by to see her when she had surgery so why now.

I dont know how things work there...

I dont have advice on forcing the state to file a case if you have made all the right reports - they need good evidence to have a felony stand up past very early stages. The good advice you need would be family law specialists. Yes, its not punishment, but you have a job to do NOW as a parent.

I'll tell you right now... disgusting nauseating child molestation cases get dropped because they cannot be proven. Either the girl backs down or the defense gets it blown away or files so many discoveries.. (personal diaries of the girl, etc).. it can be a very gross process.

So keep hammering them at criminal, but do your job in family court and make sure a minimum she knows to report any issues at all, in the event there is visitation. She is older now. Maybe the stuff you do in the family case will help build a criminal case. You need a lawyer and she needs a lawyer. Hopefully this guy finds a way to where he belongs.

And FYI, a court order to the military and he is paying child support. I dont know how that is being allowed. Get that done.

We have been to court twice. With him in Florida at that time he couldn't come back to Tennessee. His lawyer has fought hard to make sure no order for support has been issued.