New here with a majorproblem boy

[RobStagis]

What is the name of your state? Connecticut. My son, who is 16 now, has a lengthy, though still-sealed juvenile record, all involving alcohol and marijuana use. He was one electronicically-monitored house arrest 8 (SEVEN!) times! He spent 45 days in a state-mandated rehab facility - and got a dirty drug test within two days of his return. Since he turned 16 last October, he's been arrested twice for marijuana possession, once for conspiracy to commit burglary (to steal marijuana from a dealer's house, natch), then again for burglary at once of the other kids who was in on the dealer-conspiracy-arrest when THAT kid squealed like a pig (they had never entered the house).

Be that as it may - we've totally lost control of this kid. He's a product of his friends' environment - dropped out of school, hanging around bored - they're a gestalt. They come up with 'cool' stuff to do that none of them would would think up - or attempt - on their own. He's NEVER been arrested by himself. He's NEVER been arrested for anything violent. He was finally picked up and jailed last night on two warrants - one for the second burglary and one for failing to appear in court when he blew off a court appearance for his Alternative Incarceration (Connecticut program) update, which he would have failed miserably and gone to jail for a week for, anyway. His court appearance is October 6, and we will not sign a bond (set at $100,000) for him.

We own our house, we've always tried to do our best, etc., etc., but we also have had enough (that's the reason for the long story - I was setting the stage) and realize that he's got to pay the piper as well as get treatment that we can't afford on our own. We've petitioned the court to find him a 'Youth in Crisis' which would turn him over to a residential program. We've also formally petitioned them to send him off to Boys' Town or a state-mandated residential treatment facility - we couldn't send him to any other family. We tried that - he got in trouble and was sent home.

My wife and I work for the same company, and it's closing down at the end of September. Besides being disgusted with the kid, as much as we love him (he's the sweetest kid imaginable, believe it or not), we're not going to be able to afford an attorney without breaking the bank or remortgagin the house - which I won't be able to do without a job, eh?

What are my alternatives, please?

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

It's time for the Brazilian Tango!

My response:

This is really very simple.

You tell him that in 1 month, you're both going on a "mother/son" vacation to Brazil. How fun! And, that you're both going to take in the sights and local culture. That's the story you tell him.

Then, you take yourself and him to get your pictures taken for your Passports.

Then, after you get your Passports, you buy two tickets to Brazil - - a round trip ticket for you, and a one-way ticket for him.

You both fly to Brazil.

You get into a cab from the airport and go to the hotel where you've previously made room arrangements.

You get to the hotel and get to your rooms, but do not unpack your bags!

After getting him settled into his room, you take his Passport without letting him see you. You then tell him you're going to the gift shop for a magazine.

However, the reality is that you're going to the front desk with an envelope. In the envelope is two hundred dollars in Brazilian money, and your note to him - -

"Dear Sonny Boy: You're old enough to dislike me and your father, and to give us continual trouble? Then you're old enough to take care of yourself. I hope you like your new home and country. New languages to learn are terrific, aren't they? Here's $200.00 to get you started in life. Don't waste it. Love, Mom."

Have the hotel clerk deliver the envelope to his room.

Then, you turn on your heels, take your bags out of the hotel, hail a cab, and get back to the airport. Fly home.

Let Brazil take care of him.

IAAL

 

[RobStagis]

Too much trouble. $50 at the bus station will put him in Nevada from here. I need more suggestions.

 

[hexeliebe]

While I agree with IAAL, a different country might just not be the alternative you could handle.

HOWEVER, at 18 he's going to have to face some very tough decisions, as well as you two. As a former druggie and alcoholic I can tell you it aint' going to be pretty. But it's going to be his choice.

All you can do is give him a boot in the ass, both figuratively and literally. I would give him a head start on the life he's been in training for since he statrted this crap.

$500, a bus ticket to any city he wants, (within five states) and let him go. Tell him the door will always be open IF and WHEN he becomes a man but he's not welcome back in the house until he gets his life together.

It doesn't mean he has to be a rocket scientist but a job, a home (even a one-room apartment), paying his bills and becoming a responsible part of society would go a long way towards becoming a man. Also owning up to his responsibility for what he has done.

then turn around and start living your life together. It's about time.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Too much trouble. $50 at the bus station will put him in Nevada from here. I need more suggestions.

My response:

First, even Nevada is too close, and he can thumb his way back, give or take a few days. The problem will be back.

Second, outside of shooting the kid, you've done everything anybody can do - - and then some! There's nothing more.

Third, making arrangements for Brazil is too much trouble? Think, for just a moment - - your home, your family, and your finances are in danger, including your emotional well-being. Now, weigh that against the little bit more "trouble" it takes for the Brazil "fix". And, on top of that, without a passport, he's not coming back - - unless he can walk 4,500 miles.

IAAL

 

[RobStagis]

I s'pose my real question is court-related: I can't afford the $5,000 or so a lawyer is going to want, even I wanted to pay it, right? And I DON'T want to pay it even if I could afford it. (Did I cover all the bases there?) I also don't want the court to TELL me I have to have a lawyer - do you get my drift? Y'know? The kid's going to court (and there's going to be mpre charges by the time he goes - he's been having WAY too much fun) and from there he'll be spending some seroius time behind bars - I'd like that time to be spent in a juvenile institution (we have a big one - Manson) rather than an adult institution, but that's all I'm really looking for.

So - can the court force me to get a lawyer? And can I help my kid, in any way, get into a juvenile, rather an adult, facility?

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

You're wasting your time, money and efforts. You're also placing your family in financial jeopardy - - now, and in the future.

When you have a full trash can, what do you do with it?

I guess your trash can isn't full yet.

IAAL

 

[VG1013]

Rob...I really feel for you, my friend is going through the same thing right now. She's at her wits end not knowing what to do...her son is 19. I don't know what she can do legally with a 19 yr old? But IAAL and Hex just threw out some suggestions, which I'm going to throw her way now. IAAL...all kidding aside lol, wouldn't it worry you or make you crazy knowing your son is in another country? Wouldn't it make you feel horrible to leave him there? Hex...the advice you gave to Rob, is it really what you would do if this were your son? Do you really believe he will use that $500 for a bus ticket? He'd probably go out and buy $500 worth of marijuana. What happens if Rob does do what either one of you suggested, and the boy gets worse? Neither one of you think a juvenile institution is the answer? Can a person just walk out of these facilities...or is it like prison? I'm curioius to hear your responses...your both tough cookies, and Hex has gone through this before. I'm just wondering how a parent can help a child that just doesn't want the help???

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

IAAL...all kidding aside lol, wouldn't it worry you or make you crazy knowing your son is in another country? Wouldn't it make you feel horrible to leave him there?

========================================

My response:

Why? They shoot horses, don't they?

When a family member, or anyone, threatens my peace, financial well-being, or happiness, then it doesn't matter. Why? Because that person didn't care about me. So, why should I care - - especially to the point of "ruination" that our original writer has experienced?

It doesn't make sense. I've done it before, and I'll do it everytime - - I guess it's also because I'm an attorney and I have the ability to "do it" to you if you cross me. If you cross me, I can forget about you REAL quick - - be it family, or anyone else.

You see VG, you're looking at it from a purely emotional standpoint. And, I guess that's okay. You're a woman, and I understand that. But, a man doesn't put up with BULLCRAP.

Whether family or friend, if you screw with me, I'll turn on you quicker than $hit, and tear your pancreas out, and feed it to you.

IAAL

 

[VG1013]

Your right about the emotional standpoint...women do tend to be more emotional lol. For example...I called my friend with yours and Hex's suggestions. Well, she got all emotional about it...and said she couldn't do that to her son. She wouldn't be able to sleep at night, with worry. Her husband on the other hand, agreed with yours and Hex's suggestions...and is setting out to follow through with one of them. He said he wasn't going to allow his son to ruin their lives anymore, and would worry more if he didn't do anything about it. He said he was going to start by changing the locks on the doors, which he has handy right now lol. All hell is breaking loose next door...but I do feel her husband is doing the right thing. Thanx for the response

 

[hexeliebe]

Just remember VG, sometimes love is more expressive with the extension of a hickory switch than a hand....

No, it's not easy doing what either IAAL or I suggested. But parents can only do so much. At some point the child must take responsibility. Either on his/her own or with the help of a one-way ticket.

And don't think this is just so much advice. I completed my last year of High School in a 8X12 metal building with a forrest for my toilet, a stream for a bath tub and a generator for power.

Why? Because that was all that was left to me.

 

[theother]

But can you really do that legally? I mean, not the Brazil part, but not letting a minor back into your home. Can you wash your hands of him legally? And seriously, will the court force the parents to pay for a lawyer or will one be appointed? I'm just curious.

 

[hexeliebe]

Read the post. This "MINOR" will be 18 very soon. And that's when the boot should be up his ass.

 

[theother]

Sure, in just over a year he'll be 18. But can you do anything NOW?

 

[hexeliebe]

Yes, you can turn his ass over to juvenille authorities. PERIOD.

Oh, and for his 18th birthday buy him a good pair of walking shoes.