Old "friend" says I should die for him

[SarahSea]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Minnesota

I am not sure if legal advice is what I need. After reading this, tell me, is there is any point in contacting the police or even if I did, would it more likely than not backfire on me?

People here probably can't answer if it would backfire, but at least someone can tell me if they would or could even take action. If not, then my question is answered.

(If they might take action, the next step is a psychiatry forum, since it is the specific personality of the person that is the determining factor on whether to be alarmed enough to go that route, and if it might actually escalate, instead of help, the situation. This is my first day on this forum. Thank you in advance.)

This is far longer than the usual post, but think there are some details here that might be significant. (I don't know what is or isn't.)

There is a person I've known for over 30 years. A friend from high school. Much of our adult life we have not been in contact, but have on occassion.

Last time we saw each other was 5 years ago. Last online contact was 2 years ago. I finally came to my senses at that point and knew I would never interact with him again.

I saw recently that he had sent me messages on facebook. I almost never use facebook and hadn't realized there were the following subsequent messages for quite a while. These were sent over a course of 17 days.


--- Hi.

--- Just getting back to you; it's been a scary time lately. How are you doing?

--- It's important that I strangle you...

--- I hope you understand...It's both a sexual thing for both of us...I'm not sure I can handle your Rape Fantasy, but I'm willing to try. Just let me know what you need.

--- Hey, Sarah!

--- I Need you to beg...

--- Hey, Sarah. Would you die for me? I know it's a pretty significante question, but you seem to be an almost sacrificial female. Would you kiss me before you died?

--- I think Sarah needs to die;

--- Is She resistant?

Regarding the rape fantasy, I made the mistake of telling him five years ago I had fantasies of being raped (like very many women). Stupid thing to tell someone who I have always known was very off. But he seemed like he'd grown up and was sane, and it was just adult conversation. We were just friends almost entirely, except for 3 stupid bouts of intercourse in our early twenties (over 20 years ago now). But maybe that diminishes the apparent threat?

So, he has been diagnosed with bipolar, in and out of psych wards since he was a teenager. He very likely has mild fetal alcohol syndrome. He has schizotypal personality disorder. He hallucinates. He has a very high IQ (160 or so) but with learning disabilities. His communication sometimes devolves until you can't understand him (written and verbal).

When he was a teenager, he once tried to stab a friend of ours at a restaurant. He told me he thought he might have killed a homeless man on the railroad tracks. He was disturbed and also excited about it. I didn't believe him.

In our twenties, he physically hurt me pretty badly. He was hallucinating very badly at that time and I knew he thought I was someone else when he hurt me. Then he said he wanted to kill me and that this world was hell and that because he loved me, he wanted to remove me from this hell. I sent him away and thankfully he left. He went home and ended up hitting his mom (a very sweet person) that night and was hauled off to jail. (I didn't see him for over 10 years after that, at which time, it seemed like he had gotten help and was sane and doing very well. Mature, with a concience, sane, rational. At first, anyway.)

He is "supposed" to take medication, but doesn't like how it makes him feel, so at times he stops.

He has told me many very disturbing fantasies. Just one of many examples: biting and gouging a women until she's dead. Not like a fantasy of killing your neighbor's dog who is barking, but you would never actually do it. More like he would do it if he could figure out how to get away with it, but knows he can't. He loves blood. Has consistently called himself a Satanist since he was a teenager.

He always talks to me like it's been a week since the last time, even when it was over 10 years. He has a bad sense of time. So, even though he sent these a few weeks ago and it was 2 years since the previous contact, I am scared about his messages. I don't want to dismiss it just because he hasn't killed me yet. Last time we saw each other 5 years ago, he told me he was in love with me. In the same conversation, I told him I would not speak to him again, because he was being a jerk and was scaring me. I don't think that set well with him.

He sent an email 2 years later referring to that time as if no time had passed saying, "I need you. I don't know how, I don't know how to define it....you were an angel to me, and I won't forget that. I hate angels...."

If I should report, do I report in my city or his? (We're in different suburbs.) I think that this isn't enough for the police to do anything about it. He didn't actually say straight out that HE wanted to kill me or was going to. But a friend told me I should report it asap. He knows where I live and work, and where some of my family members live. PS, I know very well that I was an idiot for continuing to talk to him all those years.

 

[TigerD]

If you don't report this, you should at least be good enough to your family to preplan your funeral. Call the police. Go get a protection order.

TD

 

[cbg]

Sarah - where does he live with relation to you? Is he close by?

 

[SarahSea]

He is within the same metropolis.

As far as getting a protection order, can that even be done based on what he said? Or will they just laugh it off, but in trying to get it, I've pissed him off. I need to know if it QUALIFIES for a protection order, or qualifies for a police report. Saying "If you don't report this, you should at least be good enough to your family to preplan your funeral. Call the police. Go get a protection order" is just layman's response that I could have thought up in my own head. I need legal (and perhaps psychiatric) advice.

 

[CdwJava]

You might want to start here:

http://www.lawhelpmn.org/resource/orders-for-protection-and-harassment-restrain?ref=I8l1h

There are a lot of FAQs that might contain the answer you want.

If in doubt, call the police and ask to report it. They will tell you if this can potentially be a crime or not. If he lives three states away, there may be little they can do about it, and serving him with a protective order would be an exercise in futility even if you got one. If he lives down the street and you are truly afraid he can and will carry these threats out, a crime may have been committed. So, first call - to the police.

 

[SarahSea]

Thank you, CDWJava.

He lives within 10 miles of me in a different suburb. He knows where I live, where I work, and where some of my family members live.

I would not get an order for protection. It would be useless if he's crazy enough to kill or hurt me. It wouldn't stop him. It would likely just piss him off.

To report to the police, would I report it to the police in my suburb or his?

 

[cbg]

Start with yours.

And if I may make a suggestion, you might want to put your employer on notice of the problem as well. My then-employer once had an employee who was being stalked by an ex-boyfriend, and we were able to get an order prohibiting him from coming within 500 yards of the building.

 

[CdwJava]

Thank you, CDWJava.

He lives within 10 miles of me in a different suburb. He knows where I live, where I work, and where some of my family members live.

I would not get an order for protection. It would be useless if he's crazy enough to kill or hurt me. It wouldn't stop him. It would likely just piss him off.

To report to the police, would I report it to the police in my suburb or his?

The agency to report it to would be where you have received the threats. The police will almost certainly ask that you seek a protective order. Why? Because without it, there may be NOTHING they can do. WITH IT, the inconsequential and otherwise LEGAL actions become criminal. Too many people refuse to get a protective order when they might be eligible for the reasons you cite, and as a result are frustrated because the police can do nothing about the ongoing harassment.

If he's crazy enough to kill you for a protective order, why would reporting it to the police not set him off as well? If he's that nuts that you feel that reporting it puts you at risk, getting a protective order puts you at risk, or doing anything proactive will inflame him, then I'd say it's time to bug out and he wins. And if he's NOT crazy enough to hurt you, then you have to ask if you really believe he's serious and feel threatened by his words. If you do not feel threatened, then chances are this is neither a crime nor something that will qualify for a protective order of any kind.

 

[SarahSea]

If I get a restraining order, he's still free to roam around and them maybe he's pissed.

If this were enough for him to actually be arrested, then contacting the police would remove the threat. That's what I initially was thinking with regards to the difference between the two.

However I guessed when I wrote this that it would not be enough for him to be arrested. I learned elsewhere that likely at most it would be misdemeanor assault. Which would mean if he spent any time in jail, it would be short, and then he'd likely be really REALLY pissed. So, just filing a report seems to be worthless, other than that if I turn up missing, they know who to check with first, but that does me no good.

After I posted this, I learned what you pointed out, that the restraining order isn't just to try to induce him to behave. It means just what you said, that I would have some recourse if he, for example, showed up outside my house. You're right -- I don't think that many people realize the difference in how that would play out if you have a restraining order versus not having one. Thank you for the info!

What someone else suggested is that I do both: file a report and in the same day, file for a restraining order. That's frightening, too, because in my state, the order would just be a harassment restraining order. And I have to prove it's likely that the "harassment" will continue. I am not sure if it's clear that it will in this case. Who knows? It might be 6 months later that he contacts me again or dismembers me with his teeth.

So, it seems I should try to get the restraining order first. If I can get it, then I file a report. If I can't get it, then I don't think I should file a report. If I can't get it, I think I just have to take my chances.

I am scared enough that I am honestly thinking of moving out of state. That completely sucks, because I am closing on a new house here TOMORROW MORNING. And I haven't even sold my current house yet. I really can't buy a third one. My mind is a whirl now. Maybe it was a fleeting fantasy in his mind, and then he moved on to some other crazy thought. I'd be moving and losing 10s of thousands due to some guy's momentary psychotic break. Or maybe he's still thinking about it and he'll pop up and snatch me one night, eat half my leg, and dump me in a swamp up north. He always was very attracted to my legs because they're very white and he could see the veins through the skin.

I will tell you this: If someone were to tell me that he had murdered someone, I would not be surprised in any way, shape, or form. Truthfully, what surprises me is that he has gone this long without going to jail. I was astonished to learn that he had made it to 40 without that.

I plan to go try to get the restraining order tomorrow, then file the report.

 

[xylene]

I'm going to give to the semi-contrarian view.

You got a creepy sext, from an ex lover, who knew something about how you and some fantasies about your sexual ideas. Ok.

Report it to the police and let them guide you on how to handle it.

The guy is a poly-diagnosed weirdo with a criminal and psychiatric history.

His capacity to harm you is less than you think, you don't nee to do this "he'll jest get mad" routine, and your report will be taken seriously.

 

[CdwJava]

If I get a restraining order, he's still free to roam around and them maybe he's pissed.

If this were enough for him to actually be arrested, then contacting the police would remove the threat. That's what I initially was thinking with regards to the difference between the two.

In many instances, the first thing a prosecutor wants to see is what steps the victim has taken to protect themselves. if the answer is, "None" other than reporting it to the police, then an argument can be made that you are not really afraid of the subject. And, yes, I have heard that argument made - successfully - at trial to cast reasonable doubt on the fear element that needs to be present in most criminal prosecutions for threats.

Further, it might be possible that the nature of the threat online or in a text is a misdemeanor offense if it is a crime at all, and any "arrest" may be little more than a citation to appear in court, or a short stay in jail pending a relaease on low bail or on one's own recognizance.

Relying on the arrest to resolve the matter is not a good idea.

After I posted this, I learned what you pointed out, that the restraining order isn't just to try to induce him to behave. It means just what you said, that I would have some recourse if he, for example, showed up outside my house. You're right -- I don't think that many people realize the difference in how that would play out if you have a restraining order versus not having one. Thank you for the info!

You're welcome.

What I try to tell prospective victims is that these orders help the police to help you! Without them, his constant behaviors can be perfectly legal. WITH the order, that same behavior which might be otherwise legal can become ILLEGAL (provided it is prohibited by the order).

What someone else suggested is that I do both: file a report and in the same day, file for a restraining order. That's frightening, too, because in my state, the order would just be a harassment restraining order. And I have to prove it's likely that the "harassment" will continue. I am not sure if it's clear that it will in this case. Who knows? It might be 6 months later that he contacts me again or dismembers me with his teeth.

If the harassment has been ongoing for any period of time (even short), then it can probably be argued that you can expect it to continue. If this was a single exchange and has not been repeated since the initial exchange, then it is very likely that not only is there no crime, but your ability to obtain an order may be limited.

I'd look into both if it were me.

I am scared enough that I am honestly thinking of moving out of state. That completely sucks, because I am closing on a new house here TOMORROW MORNING. And I haven't even sold my current house yet. I really can't buy a third one. My mind is a whirl now. Maybe it was a fleeting fantasy in his mind, and then he moved on to some other crazy thought. I'd be moving and losing 10s of thousands due to some guy's momentary psychotic break. Or maybe he's still thinking about it and he'll pop up and snatch me one night, eat half my leg, and dump me in a swamp up north. He always was very attracted to my legs because they're very white and he could see the veins through the skin.

Most people who express such bizarre thoughts are not a true threat. I would never state that this guy is NOT a threat, but, statistically, I suspect that the number of people who vocalize such things and actually carry them out is miniscule.

I plan to go try to get the restraining order tomorrow, then file the report.

Sounds good.

Good luck.

Invest in good locks, and maybe a nice Rottweiler.