THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDN’T HIRE I.A.A.L. AS YOUR LAWYER
NUMBER 10 When the judge sees I.A.A.L. enter the courtroom he gulps his ulcer medicine straight from the bottle and then immediately cites him for contempt.
NUMBER 9 Upon closer perusal of the law books in I.A.A.L.’s library you discover they are actually cleverly custom-made whiskey flasks, all nearly empty.
NUMBER 8 While driving behind an ambulance I.A.A.L. calls his wife and says, “I’ll be home late honey, I have a great lead on a new client.”
NUMBER 7 When the judge calls for order in the court I.A.A.L. orders a ham and cheese on rye with extra mayo. (yeah, I know it’s an old one but ready for the rest? here it is!!) THE JUDGE IS JEWISH!!! Way to go I.A.A.L.!!! HAR, I KILL ME!! (ooops!! expect a lame response for that one)
NUMBER 6 The last five clients represented by I.A.A.L. all resulted in sentences of state executions for the heinous crimes of jaywalking, littering, spitting on the sidewalk, ripping the tags off pillows and operating an electric toothbrush without a permit respectively.
NUMBER 5 I.A.A.L. requests the judge for a continuance during your trial so he can meet with his parole officer, drug and alcohol counselor and psychiatrist.
NUMBER 4 Says to a client while shrugging his shoulders “Hey, guilty, innocent, it’s all the same!! That’ll be $10,000 please.”
NUMBER 3 Only passed the bar because it was closed that day.
NUMBER 2 Excerpt of transcript from actual trial:
I.A.A.L.: And in closing ladies and gentlemen of the jury, yes the defendant claims “Gee, it was only a nail file.” Yes, the defendant is only ten years old, but we as a society have to protect ourselves from those who brandish weapons. (holds out hands) These are the hands of society ladies and gents and we will not allow them to be filed down by scum such as THAT!! (points to defendant) THE DEFENDANT IS SCUM!!! SCUM I TELLS YA!! And society demands that you enter a verdict of guilty and sentence the defendant to DIE!! DIE, I TELLS YA!! BECAUSE THE DEFENDANT IS SCUM!! (pounds jury box) SCUM I SAY!!! (falls on floor, pounds floor) THE DEFENDANT IS SCUM AND NEEDS TO DIE!!! SCUM I SAY!! SCUM!!! (sighs, then curls up in a fetal position and sucks thumb)
Judge: That may well be counselor, but she is also your client!
AND NOW THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN’T HIRE I.A.A.L. AS YOUR LAWYER (DRUM ROLL PLEASE. READY? HERE IT IS.)
In an initial consultation in his office I.A.A.L. says “No, the ad is a misprint. It should read ‘Works on contingency(?) No(,) money down!’” Then he rips off where the ad reads “Sponsored by the American Bar Association” and eats it.
