Rape

[cLee]

What is the name of your state? VA My daughter, who is 19, was raped on our property by an acquaintance (not someone she was dating or had been involved with). She was a virgin, planning on waiting until she got married to have sex. She refuses to report the rape. I have finally gotten her to go to counseling at college which isn't helping, and have gotten her to a gyn. She waited one month to tell her father and I. (I'm only anticipating some questions I may be asked). I know if anything is to be done about the rape she is the one to do it since she has reached the age of majority. However, this crime was committed on our property. Is there something I can do about that aspect of the situation? We were out of town, and she had invited some friends over to swim. She has told a couple of friends about this, and the friends have knowledge of the fact that she was a virgin and had no relationship with this man.

 

[stephenk]

do you know who committed the rape? call the police yourself and report the crime.

 

[cLee]

I know the name of the person, but it is such a common name there are a LOT of them in my area. He has moved around several times (including since the rape) and my daughter doesn't know his phone number, address, etc. She has tipped off her friends not to talk to me. I have spoken to a private investigator about the rape (prior to finding out it was committed on my property). They indicate it is a waste of time without her cooperation, there is only so much I can do, and it will be at substantial expense; probably worth it only if she agrees to proceed, because what will I do once I find him if she doesn't continue. I spoke to a detective with the sexual assault section of our jurisdictional police department. He indicated he thinks they'll find him, but if she doesn't proceed, it's worthless as she is an adult. There is nothing I can do. Of course, this is all before I found out it was committed on my property. So I am wondering if that gives me an avenue in which to report this or work with it somehow. Thanks for your response.

 

[Mike101]

It may have happened on your property but it happened to her. So you really don't have any course of action to take without her.
Your daughter needs to come forward and report it. She is the victim. I can imagine how helpless you must feel. What happened to her is not her fault and hopefully she understands that. The more time that goes by the harder it will be to prove but it can still be done. The thought of anyone getting away with rape makes my stomach turn. Nobody should ever have to go through that experience.
I wish you and your daughter the best.

 

[Beth3]

cLee, there are two separate issues here. First and foremost, your daughter's well being - physical and emotional. Second, law enforcement apprehending and convicting the rapist. Clearly your daughter comes first, although nobody want to see a rapist get away with his crime and victimize others, which is why you are struggling with your daughter's decision.

What I suggest you do is contact a rape crisis center or qualified counselor and ask for advice. What you're understandably struggling with is what YOU can do to support and help your daughter, which may or may not include continuing to urge her to report hte rape. Knowing what the right thing to do in this situation as a parent would be difficult - let an expert advise you.

Good luck to you and I hope your daughter is okay.

 

[cLee]

Mike and Beth, thanks for your response. I was afraid there was nothing I could do. Of course my daughter's safety and well being comes first. And if it sounded like that was not my main concern, it is probably due to my anger that this happened to her. She is the only one of her friends who has not been sexually active; and this is tearing her up. HOw ironic it would have happened to her. Her last boyfriend was with her nearly a year and they had made a decision not to have sex, and then this happens.

And I am terribly frustrated by her not being willing to report this; I'm concerned there's a feeling of guilt involved. Which though not valid, is certainly understandable. She has gone to the rape counseling center at college, which she has said (and sounds like) is basically useless. They ask her every week "so how's your week?" and that's about it. But some of her grades have been falling so they have intervened to let her get some extra credit work, take a midterm over, etc. I spoke to her just last night and she said the counseling wasn't helping but as yet she is unwilling to go to any other counseling (which we are ready and willing to pay for). She says she feels it will do no good. I am hopeful she will change her mind at some point.

She would not contact the rape crisis center, although I have and have given her appropriate phone numbers for counselors, the crisis center, police, etc. Trying to make the research end of it as easy as possible for her so she doesn't have to deal with that, at least.

The police have been wonderful with me and are willing to talk to her and tell her just what's involved in coming forward, but so far she is unwilling to talk to them.

Thank you for your good wishes.

 

[Mike101]

I wish I could have given you a magic answer to all of your problems. Reading your post turns my stomach because I hate to think what your daughter is going through. Life is definately not fair sometimes.
Have you considered going to counseling with your daughter? You as support might get her to take that first step.

 

[cLee]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for the suggestion. Yes, I've offered to go with her; also to drive to the counselor and sit in the car or in the waiting room, to give her privacy (she hasn't disclosed every single detail) but be available in case she wanted or needed me.

I offered the same to get her to the gynecologist (her first visit) and she finally took me up on it. I set up the appt., giving the gyn. heads up (with my daughter's permission) as to what she had been through; both so the gyn. could look for trauma and make sure to check for all the appropriate STD's. Then I drove my daughter and waited in the waiting room for her during the exam and while she cried in the gyn.'s arms. Two hours later she emerged, totally drained and shaken, but grateful I had taken the initiative in getting her to go.


I'm walking a fine line. I'm trying to get her to be assertive because I feel to "take charge" of some aspect of this, even by going through counseling, is empowerment. Yet I am aware that she is the only one able to make these decisions, much as I would like to make them for her.

Thanks for your empathy. It hurts to watch the daughter I love and am so close to, be so devastated.