I was reading in the newspaper the other day an article about Samantha Runnion. Her killer was found not guilty on molestation charges two years ago. Following the article, was one on the difficulty of prosecuting molestors.
Please read thispost. I write as a child who was molested myself. But I'm one of the lucky ones. You'll see why.
Children are often very nervous with cops and rooms full of people. Especially strangers. When a child tells what happened, it's not uncommon for the child, we'll talk about a girl in this case, to forget that she didn't mention something. In her mind she may have thought she already said it and leave something out, in this case, penetration. Add to that the child will usually look at the floor and kick her feet against the chair, something we are taught means a lie. No eye-contact means a lie, right? Wrong. A child who is scared avoids eye contact. Unfortunately, many cops and jurors are not briefed to these facts and assume that what the child says is a lie for lack of eye contact and forgetting a detail she may have mentioned before and forgot to say this time, or if questioned on the same thing twice, she may remember a detail or forget one. But these are children. Come on! They are not as mature as adults and do not have the same mental capabilities to remember such detail, especially under times of stress or fright. Don't foget that children who see courts on TV assocciate it with something bad, the person questioned is bad, and will go to jail. They don't see witnesses or victims often. So unfortunately a lot of molestors walk free.
I say that I am lucky because of my parents and upbringing. I had the old-fashioned upbringing (ie spankings and chores and told that if I didn't look someone in the eyes they couldn't hear me). I also had parents who played word games with me before I could talk, and memory games, etc.. The day I was molested by a male babysitter (he was 16, I was 5) I went immediately to my parents the second Scott was out the door and told them in detail. Those memory games sure helped. Mom called the cops and Dad went to Scott's dad to let him know what happened. Before the court date, actually that very evening, my mom took my brother to my grandma's house and the cops came over to talk to me. My parents stood behind me. The cops were very good, knowing that height can intimidate a small child. So they sat on their knees and used low voices. The interviewed me on tape and also explained what would happen in court. Due to this swift action so lacking in law enforecement today, and one of the cops having studied child psychology, Scott was quickly punished and I didn't even have to go to court. But the laws regarding punishing minors was lax. The day he turned 18 he got a clean slate. Now he works with children as a couselor, and I often worry that he is doing the same things to them.
But how has this affected me and how will it affect your daughter? I locked away the memory for years. I was put in therapy with other molested children immediately, and soon after it was over, I had selective amnesia. When I was 16, I started having dreams about being molested. I couldn't remember exactly what happened, just the feeling of fright, then of being questioned by two cops. Only at that point I was like an apparition watching this, floating near the stove, watching myself in my penguin-covered black dress, holding my stuffed bunny, with my parents behind me. The dreams happened with frightening frequency. I told my mom, and that is when it really hit me, that those dreams were real. To this day I don't recall all that he did, nor do I want to. But it made it hard for me to pursue teen relationships. I didn't trust boys and thought they'd hurt me. I even started to become afraid of my own male relatives, my own dad especially. I didn't want to hug any male. When I met my current fiance at 17, I was still stand-offish. I told him straight up what happened and that it wasn't him that scared me, it was that he was a male and I was afraid of being hurt. But he has stuck with me. Frequently even now I have bad dreams. But in the end I know I am okay, and Scott will go to hell for this. Do not be suprised if your daughter goes through something similar. Just because she is a young child does not mean she will forget forever. She may have anormal childhood, and remember later. But the point is she will. Don't talk to her about it if she seems to have forgotten. Let her develop normally and come to you if she needs to. This also means you will need to be frank about sex, and not make it something to be ashamed of, or she may not come to you. We all know how teens don't like discussing sex-related issues with parents. But in my house, sex was a part of life, and a fact, which aided in me being able to talk to my mom about this. Go ahead and put her in a group therapy now, so that it will be instilled in her that it wasn't her fault, that she is not alone in what happened and that other children have had the same thing happen, and that her parents love her. If she has already forgotten, good, she will have years of normalcy. Even once as a small child can cause scarring for life. So above all, realize this isn't your fault, her aunt should have been trustworthy (but it's usually those we trust who betray us, sadly) and be there for her when she needs you. There isn't much that can be done to this witch now, but if another child comes forward, be right by his or her side for strength in numbers. And make sure other realtives know and won't let their children be alone with this sick woman. I wish you and your daughter all the best in the world.
If you would like to talk, e-mail me at
[email protected] anytime.
