Alienation of affections?

What is the name of your state? GA

My husband and I have been married 3 years. We are compatible in many ways except the bedroom.
He believes I'm not adventurous and I don't respond the way previous partners did.
So therefore, he gets discouraged and finds it easier to push me away or tell me hours of any possible relations, that he won't be in the mood tonight.
(Control issue?)
He also says he's resigned to the situation and not willing to rock the boat because a lot of our marriage is good.
He says he has a low sex drive and I'm too hung up on sex. That I want it too much.

But when I do initiate it, he says no. He has to be the one in the mood.
I have had several UTIs and yeast infections over the past couple of years (even though I'm perfectly healthy now) and it's possible he doesn't find me appealing anymore.

My question is: he is a wonderful father to our 3 year old, and excellent provider. Do I live with this situation, or do I seek a divorce? I've never been unfaithful, and neither has he. It's just that when he rejects my overtures, I in turn feel unsexy and rejected.

We have honestly talked this situation out in the past, but it always ends with me being the one who has the problem.

We're both 30 years old, and I personally, am too young to feel frumpy and passed-over.

Advice please! thanks!

Have you guys thought about seeing a marriage counselor? There are some that specialize in sexual relations. I know this is a very touchy subject, but honestly, after only three years of marriage, can you honestly say that you two are willing to throw that away just because the sex desires don't coincide?

My hubby would probably kill me if he saw my response to this, but I'm going to say it anyways. I'm 35, and he is 30. We've been together 2 years. At first, it was everyday, multiple times a day. But let's be honest here. After the "honeymoon", couples do tend to fall into certain "routines". Life intrudes on the perfect paradise you had created. There are jobs to go to, bills to pay, house to run, etc. These things take their toll on everyone, whether you are a man or a woman. Eventually, the newness wears off. Pretty soon, you get that "comfy" spot. Like the butt groove on your guy's favorite recliner. It's just like he likes it, and if it gets sat in, or messed with, he damn well knows it. The same holds true for your life. The relationship feels "comfortable" to you. And before you know it, you are stuck in a rut. Same thing, day in and day out. One day, you wake up and realize it. But, you don't know what to do about it. What you once thought of as comfortable is now confining.

You've only been together for 3 years. There are many things you can do to spice up your sex life. To put the romance back into it. Candles and scented oils make for a great massage atmosphere. Just one night suprise him. (And my ideas are going to be aimed at your husband since your post reflects that he is the one thats turning down the advances.) Place candles around the bedroom. Have him lie on the bed after a hard day at work, and offer to rub some of the tension out of him. I'm sure you can make a simple massage into something a little more sensual. Just use your imagination. Heck, you can even get edible oils now, and while massaging, let your mouth take the place of your hands in some spots. On his shoulder, his neck... things like that. Once, I went to Wal-Mart and bought the cheap roses... you know, those "dozen for $10" ones in the plastic wrappers. I got 3. Took them home. When hubby came home from work, he was really tired. I ran him a bath and told him, just go soak in the tub dear. He went and got in the tub. I brought him his dinner, and he ate right there in the bath. Afterwards, while he was relaxing, I got the roses, went into the bedroom, and deflowered all 3 dozen stems. When he walked in the bedroom door, I was lying on a literal "bed of roses". He suddenly wasn't so tired anymore. (word of caution tho... rose petals stain bedsheets, and they stick to you something fierce.)

I might get chastised for this one... but guys are more visually oriented than us females are. (Easy IAAL! ) Show him something he can't resist. (And no guys, I don't mean the football game on Sunday.) Simply buy a new neglige. Something totally out of the ordinary of what you normally wear. Something different. There are also lots of toys you can get. I know, it might sound horrible to some people, but you're trying to put the spark back into it. And the things won't bite. Experiment. Enjoy. You never know until you try it.

The way I look at it, neither of you have a "problem", you just have differences. But in most cases, it's not something that can't be overcome, unless you both have just completely lost interest in the other one, and you find one another repungnant. If that were the case.... THEN you would have a problem. But, I don't think that this is a reason to file for divorce. You still love one another, there's just a little barrier that you need to get over. And if you work together, get over it you will.

I'll offer another point of view--
A man who had a normal sex drive and suddenly loses interest either has a physical problem and does not wish to admit it to himself, or he has a partner(s) outside of the marriage.

His turning the blame to you and comparing you to previous lovers is significant information and is cruel and unnecessary behavior on his part.

It is not your appearance I am almost certain.

A man's sex drive is quite different from a woman's and society encourages fantasy-style women only as acceptable partners. A mature and self-confident man does not pursue such unrealistic goals.

Lesser men with only self gratification on their minds can be satisfied screwing a watermelon, or having sex with the most vile and disgusting female on the face of the earth.

Adding excitement is fine and dandy and it does keep things from being boring, but adding sexy lingerie won't make someone who is not interested or not capable either interested or capable.

Unless your husband has a significant emotional/pyschological disorder or significant physical disorder, something is not being accurately portrayed.

I suggest that you see a marriage counselor and discuss this situation. There are several possibilities--emotional/physical lack of desire to have sex with a mother (as Elvis had); drug usage that has rendered him impotent; blood pressure problems that have rendered him impotent; or, as I stated earlier, sexual encounters outside of marriage.

My gut feeling is that something is amiss and that something is a Miss or a Mrs., and possibly a Mr.

I'm going to print out that part about BP probs ellencee, and show it to hubby. I had thought about possible medicine side effects and perhaps depression or other psychological causes too, but the poster didn't mention anything about meds or such, so I took it to mean that perhaps he had become bored with the "normal" routine. My poor hubby has to suffer now, because I currently take Inderal, Paxil, and Xanax. He gets a triple whammy. But, I know the cause of my decreased drive, and we have spoken about it, and I have explained to him that it has nothing to do with HIM per se. I haven't lost interest in him, just "IT". Like I told him, it could be Brad Pitt in my bed, and I'd still turn him down. But still, I try to "spice it up" so that I myself can get into it. And to be honest, once we get started, I'm all into it. (He's going to kill me LoL) Once again, I was going on the assumption that there was no pharmaceutical or psychological reasons for him to suddenly change his habits because the poster didn't mention it. But, I've made a mental note to go fruit shopping.... wonder how much watermelons are here in Missouri this time of year....

MissouriGal
I understand it's best to let the watermelons sit in the sun for a little while, first!

Thanks everybody!

Thanks everybody!

Husband and I had a long talk today. Neither one of us wants to end the marriage, but we are unhappy with the sex. So we talked at length, and then went into the bedroom to practice what we preached.

A lot of stuff has never felt good to me with past lovers, so rather than assume that it might with my husband, I just push him away. We talked about that today too.

And he was a lot more gentle and patient with me. In some ways, I'm a 30 year old virgin.

I don't expect everything to be fixed in one night, but I'm glad we're talking.

And Ellencee, I don't blame you for your assumptions, but there is not a drug/alcohol problem. And as far as I know, he's never cheated on me. With either a man or a woman.


Thanks both of you for your advice. I'll keep you posted!