separation and dating........:(

I live in NY State - ok, here's the thing - my daughter is separated from her husband - they have been like this for six months. She has twin daughters (age 3), and all three have been living with my husband and I. My daughter is now considering going out on a date with a friend of a friend. Morality aside, I need to know what this may cost her in the long run as far as the divorce is concerned. My concerns about it from a personal standpoint do not appear to matter to her. This is sad, but in addition to dealing with that aspect of it, I need to know if this behavior has the potential to hurt her or her children (legally and in regard to custody). Thank you in advance -

I was divorced in NYS, and my attorney told me in no uncertain terms that it would behoove me to abstain from dating until after the divorce was final. She said it might not matter, but it could if the judge hearing the case had a bias about it. I figured the kids were more important to me than my social life was.

separation and dating

Thank you for responding - hopefully your words will have an impact on her - I understand everything she must be feeling, but somehow I need for her to see all sides of the decisions she makes. In the end, it will be her choice. I would just rather she have all the facts before she acts. Thank you again and I hope everything worked out well for you and for your wee ones - God bless - be well

It did

Took 18 months, but at the end of it I had custody of my cubs. And *that* was much more important to me than going out. If your daughter wants someone to talk to - let me know.

The thing that neds to be understood here is that Child custody and divorce are seperate issues. You are both mixing them together. The attorney that advised about dating in regard to outcome of the divorce was speaking of the divorce. Child custody deals with the best interest of the children. The dating may affect your divorce but dating in and of itself will not hinder a mother from gaining custody of her children. There needs to be substantial evidence that the children would be residing in an unsafe environment, or a residence that doesn't suit their best interests, as opposed to that of the husband.


Jeter

Jeter said:

The thing that neds to be understood here is that Child custody and divorce are seperate issues. You are both mixing them together. The attorney that advised about dating in regard to outcome of the divorce was speaking of the divorce. Child custody deals with the best interest of the children. The dating may affect your divorce but dating in and of itself will not hinder a mother from gaining custody of her children. There needs to be substancial evidence that the children would be residing in an unsafe environment, or a residence that doesn't suit their best interests, as opposed to that of the husband.


Jeter

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Unfortunately, that assumes a completely unbiased judge. Since most are as human as the rest of us, they do bring personal biases into their decisions. My lawyer made it clear that I could get the divorce no problem - the issue at stake was custody and my dating *could* affect it given a judge who'd have a problem with it. So no, my attorney was not speaking of the divorce, Jeter.

separation & divorce

Jeter – Thank you for the clarification. This has been one of my (many) problems – trying to keep everything straight in my mind. As far as dating interfering with her divorce, I was not too concerned that the divorce would not be granted although I was not sure. There is cause for the divorce and neither party wishes to remain married to the other. My concern, aside from the moral aspect, was how it might appear to the courts in relation to the children. My daughter is under the impression that this will not hurt her in terms of custody, and yet, I am very afraid that it may send a negative impression to the judge. The twins are living in my home, and are very well cared for, but my husband and I are not the parents. It is my daughter who will be looked at, no matter where she is living, or how much support she may have where her children are concerned. Again, your opinion matters a great deal to me, and that you took the time to respond means even more. Thank you.
Momma_tiger, believe it or not, your concern gives me great strength at a time when I need it the most. Thank you so much for that. I will pass on your offer to my daughter. Even if she does not take you up on it right now, she may in the future. May the good you have brought me come back to you always – be welll

Hey, no problem... Twin 3 yo's can be a real handful and it's natural that your daughter would feel she needs a break. But for now, she'd be wise to keep those breaks to girlfriends. Consider offering her a regular time each week or two for herself - to go window shopping, get a massage, go to lunch with a girlfriend.

I know I don't have to say it, but kids grow up so fast that she doesn't want to miss any of it. Mine are 8 & 10, and I wonder where the time's gone. Every stage is great, but once it's gone, it's gone forever. ;-) Good luck to all of you.