I committed to an open adoption and now 1year later they want to change their minds.

What is the name of your state? California, On November 8, 2001, I had a baby girl whom I gave up for adoption to someone I think of as an aunt and she couldn't have children of her own. With me living in CA. and she in Utah I agreed on finding a doctor in Utah so I can have my baby there and also give my aunt every oppertunity to share every moment I experienced being pregnant. We discused how we were going to be open with our daughter and that I would be able to watch her grow and she would still know me not by word but by her own knowledge. It has been 6 months since the adoption has been finalized. I flew to utah to see her and the family for her first B-Day and that's when my aunt tells me that she doesn't want me to see her anymore.I feel that Ive been betrayed infact I never felt more pain then I did that day. In all honesty I was comfortable with my decision with the adoption. I felt this was something very rare but with how honest we were with eachother about our feelings this was going to be an amazing experience. I just seems so unfair that she can cut me off completely with no ?s and I can do nothing about it cause I was nieve and trusted someone who I feel Knew it would only be a matter of time untill legally I can do nothing. Is this really it? I wan't to get her back is it possible?

I think your "Aunt" needs to see a Social Worker or send her some books on open adoption. If she wants to raise a well-adjusted daughter, it's in the best interest of the baby to have contact with you as often as possible. But, being from two different states, it sounds like it couldn't be that frequent. You just never know how things are going to work out in an adoption situation. I've heard more stories like this and it hurts me terribly.
We adopted a son from Utah, and we want a very open adoption situation with the birthmother because I think my son will benefit knowing that he is loved by his birthmother as well as his parents. She is grateful to us that we are sharing pictures and letters and I am keeping her letters for the benefit of our son. Now prior to the adoption plan a long time ago, I wouldn't have been so willing.....because I'm a selfish person. BUT, when it comes to the welfare and emotional adjustment of the child, I totally changed my attitude.
I think you need to convey or somehow get some intervention for her to prove that it's only going to be detrimental to the child down the road by cutting off the birthmother. I'm so sad for you because it's not fair, and I hope there will be some resolution to this situation to make both of you come to a comfortable open relationship. Best of luck. Oh, good books you can find through PACT Alliance in Oakland, CA. They have a great website that offers books on raising adoptive children.

thank you

I appreciate your input! I'm am just completely restless and I fear that peace is out of my reach. You know the hardest part of all is the things she said to me. She swears up and down that her reason is in the best interest of Hannah but when she says that my presence confuses my daughter and she can feel the negative energy I have to wonder what kind of world shes living in. HELLO! the only person bringing negative energy into the circle is her herself. I have done nothing to threaten her and in no way am I trying to compete. She's so good to her as a mother should be in fact shes everything I could want for my little baby. Well at least thats how I felt when I made my final decision. But her cowardness disappoints me deeply because even when I told her that I respect her decision but I dont agree that getting rid of me is going to make her insecurities disappear if anything my presence could help her confont her fears and I am more than willing to listen and work together for the benifit of our daughter.And she corrects me with she is not your daughter shes mine! She made me feel as though my feelings werent valid. I cant express the pain. All I've asked is to share my daughters life with them and she has the nerve to tell me god used me as a vessel and my emotions and bond amount to nothing. How can someone put on a face for so long and I never seen through it? How could someone be so selfish and cruel to someone who not only gave her a child but with that child my heart? How can she be so selfish? How can there be nothing I can do? Why do I have to pay the consequence? How can this be legal? What gives her the right to break my heart? Before I left on the way to the airport I told her that I am willing to work with her and when she feels shes ready....... know that Ill be waiting. But it feels so wrong.....everything does. If I dont have the right to change my mind and get my daughter back, how does she have the right to change her mind and take away the one thing that made my decision so easy. I gave up motherhood thinking I could still be a part of her life and that made it so it wasnt so hard. I would have never made this decision if I was to just have a baby and say havwe a great life see ya. I honestly dont think thats possible. IM AMAZING BUT IM NOT A SAINT! How in the world can there be nothing I can do and what in the world did I do?

My heart really goes out to you, and I sympathize totally with your situation. I think getting some support and advice would be really good for you. Call this number: (206) 284-8538 they provide adoption counseling services via phone or in person. You and I are both in CA, and I used them for my complicated situation and found them very helpful. I talked to them once and didn't get charged, because I received the answers I needed just though having some basic questions answered. This is a group of Social Workers that specialize in adoption counseling and support. I'm sorry I can't remember the name of the company, but I still had the number written down. Please give them a call. If not, maybe there is a family member that could mediate the situation? I'm not a lawyer but with all this adoption mess and legal issues I've been going through with my adoption situation, I could probably pass the bar!

Anyway, best of luck, and you seem like a good person who deserves a good, and open relationship with your daughter and Aunt. If you call that number, let us know what they suggested.

Wrong Number Unfortunately

Thank You so much! You are very thoughtfull. I have tried every # in the book or I've spent so much time on the phone since I've gotten back from Utah it just feels like I have. If you come across anything you feel may help please let me know. Unfortunately I only have access to a computer today and then occassionally I'll be checking it cause I'm going to my fiances' house. As desperate as this seems I'm gonna give you my # and if you find enything you feel would be of help for me please call: 209-551-6166
or 209-239-3164. Thanks again! Even though the # was disconnected there was actually a few minutes that I felt hopefull. You are very much appreciated.
If there is ever a time that you just need to talk I would be happy to return the favor. My e-mail: [email protected] ......
ANYTIME
Much Love,
Jenny

With all due respect to each of your situations, and with the realization that individual situations can vary, I *completely* disagree with open adoptions where the bio-parents have contact with the child.
I'm an adoptee, and I think that allowing contact with a birth-parent only confuses the hell out of the child. Who's *really* mom? Who's *really* dad? Those are the questions a child will be wondering....A child cannot differentiate between the different types of roles of parenthood.

You say:
"If she wants to raise a well-adjusted daughter, it's in the best interest of the baby to have contact with you as often as possible. But, being from two different states, it sounds like it couldn't be that frequent. "

****These statements are contradictory of eachother---what do you say to the child? "By the way cupcake, I'm your mommy, but you have another mommy who's going to drop in every now and again, leaving you behind, over and over and over again"

You say:
".......I think my son will benefit knowing that he is loved by his birthmother as well as his parents."

****This message can be conveyed with the story of "your birthmother loved you SSSSSOOO much that she selflessly gave you up in hopes of a better life for you than she felt she could have provided"

You say:
".....when it comes to the welfare and emotional adjustment of the child
........it's only going to be detrimental to the child down the road by cutting off the birthmother."

**** I have no eloquent way of saying this, so I'm going to be blunt and hope you don't take it as an attack. These two statements, in a general sense, are a partyline load of crap. How in God's name is there supposed to be any emotional adjustment or stability for the child if you're taking him/her back and forth??


Again, I state all of this as an adoptee, and from my point of view as such. I am also stating it all in a 'general' sense, with realization that there are varying individual circumstances---BUT the open adoption thing should be the exception, NOT the rule. To me, open adoption is nothing more than signing over custody, getting the benefit of watching the kid grow up, and skating on the financial support. This is all selfish on the part of the birthparent, and completely skewers the whole point behind adoption. Not to mention that it probably sets the ball rolling for the future evolvement of legal proceedings where the adoptee decides they want to live with their 'natural' parents---and the adoptive parents end up paying support b/c they allowed the birthparent in the child's life all along...

All that having been said...... JBreez, I feel for you. Truly I do. You entered into this adoption under a certain set of beliefs, and have been duped by the 'other side'---and that's quite simply not fair to either you or the child.

to craftymom's opinion

Let me explain to you that this was not just a normal adoption. A woman that I have known as my aunt for two years could'nt have children when I became pregnant everyone told me that I wasn't ready to support a child and that I didn't know what taking care of a child intails. At that time I was 19 and had religious standards against me. When me and my aunt discused how it would be if I was to give her my child she told me that we would be completely honest with her when she is at the age to understand. That I could share her life with them and come visit regularly. Six months into my pregnancy she phoned me to say she would be adopting another baby as well and she should be born two weeks after mine. The whole time I trusted in my aunt and everything she said I was never represented by an attorney but she was when I signed the papers that she gave me I trusted that I was signing the agreement that we have been discusing the whole pregnancy while living with her. It wasn't untill I came to visit this november that she told me she doesn't want me to see her enymore and I replied with you can't do that we had an agreement. Thats when she let me know we signed no such agreement that that agreement was verbal and there's nothing I could do. Let me tell You something too. I have never told my daughter that I am her mother and I do nothing but compliment my aunt on how well she takes care of her I had no negative feelings about the adoption untill I learned what I feel to be an act of deception by using our relationship and totally honest friendship that I so freely gave her that she used that against me. I still to this day have no knowledge of what I signed because from what I knew I have Just been informed is not the case . How in the world does that sit right with you Knowing you lied and did everything inyour power to manipulate and decive someone who believes and trusts in you. Who not only loves you but is willing to sacrifice a baby from her own womb so that your family might be complete. I asked for nothing but to be a part of her life as an aunt or something. I have no desire to take any importance of her motherhood away as I understandingly gave that to her with my baby. Understand this relationship and agreement was unlike any regular adoption we when thruogh it all together. Like is said before I lived with her and when she was born I took with me nothing but the confidence in our friendship and trust in heart to heart moments that this is right. Now that I see everthing I belived in was only a lie and that I was never told the complete truth I feel so betrayed. My decision that I had was the biggest decision of my life and I feel that I let my daughter down by not requsting to be completely educated and for not gaurding her with everything in me. Instead I trusted my aunt blindly and now with emence sorrow in my heart I feel pain that I never felt in my life. How can you be so cruel to someone who gave their whole heart into making a dream come true and after making thier dream come true pulling their whole world out from under them. Dont bash me for my feelings are real and they dont come from ager, Jealousy, resentment or regret. Im only addressing my feelings as a birthmother and I am completely intitaled to them.

craftymom said:

With all due respect to each of your situations, and with the realization that individual situations can vary.......

Again, I state all of this as an adoptee, and from my point of view as such. I am also stating it all in a 'general' sense, with realization that there are varying individual circumstances.....

All that having been said...... JBreez, I feel for you. Truly I do. You entered into this adoption under a certain set of beliefs, and have been duped by the 'other side'---and that's quite simply not fair to either you or the child.

Click to expand...

Where, exactly, did I bash *you*?

The system of open adoption? Sure, I can see where you might think my opinion was bashing--it's all in how you read it.
But You? No, can't say as I bashed you

My response:

Would you get a grip on yourself?

Face the facts - -

1. You adopted out your child. That was your decision.

2. The child has a new parent.

3. The new parent lied to you. Tough crap. So what.

4. The new parent doesn't want you around any more. Stay away.

5. With the adoption finalized, you are NO LONGER the child's mother.

6. Now that the adoption is final, none of these groups or phone numbers can help you. Perhaps a psychiatrist will help you, but you no longer have any "legal" claims and no one can help you now in that regard.

7. It's over. Face your new reality. Be an adult. You are now a "legal stranger" to the child, and the mother doesn't appreciate your presence.

If you keep this up, you'll wind up with an Order of Protection against you, and very possibly, a criminal prosecution and prison term for stalking.

Stop your whining, grow up, face the realities of the situation, and get over it.

IAAL

Re: to craftymom's opinion

JBreez said:

I signed the papers that she gave me I trusted that I was signing the agreement that we have been discusing the whole pregnancy while living with her. It wasn't untill I came to visit this november that she told me she doesn't want me to see her enymore and I replied with you can't do that we had an agreement. Thats when she let me know we signed no such agreement that that agreement was verbal and there's nothing I could do.

Click to expand...

Didn't you read what you were signing?

why cant people live without fear?

I can't express the disappointment I have to you that speaks so cold-heartedly. There is so many ways to give your strong opinions about other peoples problems without hurting them in the process. I appreciate enyones opinion whether against me or with me. I am assuming you have never felt the pain that my situation has enrapped me with and you don't even have a heart that feels anothers pain. Because if you had expierienced a similiar situation you would know how emotionally mixed up you were and if you had a heart regardless of experiencing pain in that depth or not you would feel the pain and fear as I do to all the others on this site regardless of my firm oppinions on matters I feel sincere empathy for them. When I read their stories not for a second do I think of putting them down or discouraging them in my reply. I am thankful for all your comments. Some people are blind to the fact that they react out of fear. There is no truth in fear. Some how we need to break free of these layers that hold us back in fear of getting hurt and every other reason we close ourselves off to others. To actually live in total freedom without eny fears running our lives. To really love freely without resistance. And to learn how to seperate anothers fears from your own hearts understading. Please remember we are not here to tear one-another down but to help heal one-anothers broken heart or not.

Re: why cant people live without fear?

JBreez said:

I can't express the disappointment I have to you that speaks so cold-heartedly. There is so many ways to give your strong opinions about other peoples problems without hurting them in the process. I appreciate enyones opinion whether against me or with me. I am assuming you have never felt the pain that my situation has enrapped me with and you don't even have a heart that feels anothers pain. Because if you had expierienced a similiar situation you would know how emotionally mixed up you were and if you had a heart regardless of experiencing pain in that depth or not you would feel the pain and fear as I do to all the others on this site regardless of my firm oppinions on matters I feel sincere empathy for them. When I read their stories not for a second do I think of putting them down or discouraging them in my reply. As individuals our pain is real and this site is to join hand in hand to support eachother in sharing our stories. I have found a significant amount of relief in some of you women in here and concidering this all came about November 16,2002 I am thankful for all your comments. Some people are blind to the fact that they react out of fear. There is no truth in fear. Some how we need to break free of these layers that hold us back in fear of getting hurt and every other reason we close ourselves off to others. To actually live in total freedom without eny fears running our lives. To really love freely without resistance. And to learn how to seperate anothers fears from your own hearts understading. Please remember we are not here to tear one-another down but to help heal one-anothers broken heart.

Click to expand...

My response:

Oh, please. Go ahead and be "disappointed." Get some professional psychiatric help, will you.

This is not a "touchy-feely", "hold-your-hand", "feel-your-pain", or "give-you-a-hug" site. You see, that's where your confusion begins and ends.

You obviously know that your "legal" arguments and excuses are nil, so you came here for some psychological warmth and healing. Well, get over it. It doesn't work that way. There are plenty of "Dear Abby" sites on the Internet.

Like I said before, "If you keep this up, you'll wind up with an Order of Protection against you, and very possibly, a criminal prosecution and prison term for stalking. Stop your whining, grow up, face the realities of the situation, and get over it."

IAAL

I'm still trying to figure out if the original poster read the agreement before she signed it.

OK!

Thank you so so much! I apprieciate your honesty and integrity. I am so unfamilar to anything legal that I would probably believe enything so ..... thank you so much for taking the time to post a reply on my behalf, I am truely greatful. My thoughts and prayers with you guys too. Best wishes.

To those in question: no I never read the papers I signed my aunt's lawyer told me what is was that I was signing and my visitation agreeements and other things we discused were included. so I signed. And now she tells me I only signed over my rights and that is suposably true.

My response:

Yes, JBreez, do as "firstmom" has told you. Waste your money on consultations with attorneys. Waste your time and thousands and thousands of dollars on fruitless litigation.

"Thank you so much (firstmom) for your honesty and integrity" - -

translation =

"Thank you for telling me the things I want to hear, even though they're worthless and not based upon any legal theory that I can use to get my child back."

Firstmom can only give you "emotional support" - - and that, and a dime, won't buy you a cup of coffee.

So, go ahead, waste your time and money. But, I predict that the only thing you'll get out of it will be a Restraining Order against you.

Good luck.

IAAL