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My sister is a victim - need help!

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marie in ny

Guest
What is the name of your state? New York (Dutchess county)

Any advice would be helpful - my sister is in an abusive violent relationship. She says that she wants "out" of this relationship - several times she has called on myself and family members for help - only she constantly goes back to the situation. We had a long talk last week - I stressed that I want to help her - I wanted her to stay with me and my husband - so that she can get away from the violence - she told me that he made a threat that "if she left him he would kill her, hunt down her parents and kill them, and kill her son" She was crying on the phone to me - he was not home - I told her I would pick her up in the morning - she said she wanted to stay with me - the next day she calls me saying she's going to Florida for the week - and to pick her up on Friday - well, Friday comes and she gave me an excuse - every day there's a new excuse for her not to leave that house!!! It's like she wants help but doesn't want it - I think that he has her so scared that she can't think straight. Is there anything that a family member can do to intervene? Do we have any legal right to call the police on this guy? We have no proof, but we have seen bruises on her - and we get the constant phone calls but yet she still won't leave that house - she said that she's trying to get him evicted - I told her to saty with me until he is evicted but she won't leave. Please help - any advice would be great - It's such a long story, I can go on for hours with this - any advice would be great I want to help my sister - I'm afraid she's going to get badly badly hurt and maybe even be murdered.
 


stealth2

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
All you can really do is lend her the support and offer to help her. It's up to HER to take the step, tho. Unfortunately, she has to reach the point of walking out the door. I hope she does so sooner rather than later, tho.

You might also want to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.ndvh.org) for input.
 
M

marie in ny

Guest
I know, that's pretty much what a couple of family members said - but it's so hard to just sit back watch this happen - it doesn't make any sense - I'll also try the helpline - thank you so much for your input - if you hear of any other ways that I can help please let me know. Thanks again :)
 
V

VeeGee

Guest
Why doesn't anyone get a steel baseball bat and bash this guys head in???? If this were my sister, this guy wouldn't be hitting anyone anymore.
 
stealth2

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
VeeGee said:
Why doesn't anyone get a steel baseball bat and bash this guys head in???? If this were my sister, this guy wouldn't be hitting anyone anymore.
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Maybe because it's illegal? The long and the short of it is - SHE is the one who must decide that enough is enough.
 
V

VeeGee

Guest
Yes I know it's illegal to bash someone's head in. But what he is doing to her sister is illegal too??? Your right though...it's all up to her to say she has had enough. But you know, some women cannot walk away that easily...for some reason, they feel they will be alone and no one will want them. Their self-esteem is very low and I do feel bad for women like that. Some do not have anywhere to go and won't go into a shelter. Even though bashing someone's head in for abuse is illegal...I would call it self defense and take my chances. :D
 
M

marie in ny

Guest
Believe me, we all have wanted to do that - but the problem is, as momma tiger said - it's illegal - and I'm concerned about my sister's welfare but refuse to get into legal trouble by involving myself in that way - and my sister refuses to leave. True, she does have low self esteem right now, but everyone in my family is willing to take her - my husband and I want her to stay with us - but she refuses - that's why I was wondering if there was anything that we can do "legally", like contact the police or something. We have no proof, no evidence, my sister is afraid and won't turn him in - it's a horrible situation. We have given her so many positive pep talks, and just the other week she was ready to come stay with us - but something happenend and now she has one excuse after another. So it's really not a matter of beating the pulp out of some fool (which we would all like to do) but to legally try to do something, if possible. How can someone intervene "legally"? Everything is a lawsuit these days, so you can't be too careful. I just don't know what to do to get my sister to think rationally. We have all tried - it's so upsetting. I really appreciate everyone's input - thanks so much. If you have any other advice please let me know. Thanks again.
 
stealth2

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
There will come a point that she reaches an "Ah HAH!" moment. Hopefully, it will be before he harms her further. Until then, all you can really do is be there for her.
 
V

VeeGee

Guest
Marie...if there is no proof or evidence, I don't see how anyone (authorities) can help your sister. Even with proof, I'm not too sure how the law can help her. They usually wait for something to happen before they get involved unfortunately. If your sister would file a complaint at the police station each time he physically abuses her, at least she will have something on record for the future. But other than that...except dragging her out of that envirnment by her hair, there is nothing anyone can do for her. It's really up to her to take a stand and say she's had enough and walk away for good. I'm sorry, I know this is not the answer your looking for, unless you want to speak with a counselor or lawyer, or perhaps someone with authority and see what they advise you to do for your sister. I hope things work out, and your able to get her away from that animal before something happens. Good luck.
 
M

MariaCo

Guest
VeeGee said:

. Their self-esteem is very low and I do feel bad for women like that. Some do not have anywhere to go and won't go into a shelter. Even though bashing someone's head in for abuse is illegal...I would call it self defense and take my chances. :D
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I was in this too and it does do alot of damage and it is hard to get out .. I spent time in shelters . i tried to get away he would target my family and friends . If in order to feel safe enough to get out he needs to be locked up .. this is where the system fails domestic violence the same thing these men to do there wives is a crime and jailable if they do it to another man .. and trust me they don't go away .. and they can live out there threats of killing you .. Try to convince her to join a local domestic violence group to get support and counseling . and try to learn more about the effects it has on women so you can understand her more .
 
M

MariaCo

Guest
VeeGee said:
Why doesn't anyone get a steel baseball bat and bash this guys head in???? If this were my sister, this guy wouldn't be hitting anyone anymore.
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Well if he some how came into someone's home that had a bat couldn't they defend themselves ?? Maybe that could happen ????????????????????
 
H

hexeliebe

Guest
I'm 6'4" and 250 lbs and just punched out a 2,500 lbs race horse for pissing me off...

So, if sis doesn't want to involve the law, I have an extra axe handle laying around here someplace :D:D:D
 
M

MariaCo

Guest
hexeliebe said:
I'm 6'4" and 250 lbs and just punched out a 2,500 lbs race horse for pissing me off...

So, if sis doesn't want to involve the law, I have an extra axe handle laying around here someplace :D:D:D
Click to expand...
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!!!!!!!!!!:)
 
M

MariaCo

Guest
VeeGee said:
Marie...if there is no proof or evidence, I don't see how anyone (authorities) can help your sister. Even with proof, I'm not too sure how the law can help her. They usually wait for something to happen before they get involved unfortunately. If your sister would file a complaint at the police station each time he physically abuses her, at least she will have something on record for the future.

This is so sad but true .. I have the proof and the trail and It did me no good .. even after 7 years he still threatens me and tries to get me and it took me 3 years to finally get another Ro because unless I was living with him and letting him do it to me all over again they didn't see that i was in any harm , Women in these situations are pretty much damned .. So basically to get Help from the Law you have to keep taking the beatings ?? Sad Sad World!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
 
K

kwalla

Member
Just an extra piece of advice for your sister. When she does decide to leave it would be a great idea to register her in some self-defense classes when she is up to it.
I came from a violent relationship and walked around for many years afraid for my physical safety (because he was everywhere I went for years after we broke up).
The best thing I ever did for my mental and physical health is register for kenpo karate. It is a form of martial arts that focuses on using your attackers' strength against them so its great for women that are not "body-builders".
I am now a 1st degree brown belt and in the process of training for my black. It is the best thing I have ever done. I am not afraid anymore and I never will be again.
It does not make you "cocky" it makes you self-aware and confident. Two major personality traits that get lost in an abusive relationship.
Good luck to you and your sister. Keep her safe and report everything to the authorities when she leaves him. The papertrail is very important to stick a conviction.
 
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