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alleged domestic violence

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jaredsdaddy

Guest
What is the name of your state? West Virginia

Just today I was served divorce papers and a domestic violence petition. My wife and I have a little 4 yr old boy. In the petition, she put several things that weren't true, and i was told by the officer delivering it that she's allowed to do that, even if it's not true, to get the petition filed. We have been married 5+ years and together for 10+ years, but seperated for several months now. We have even gone out, had fun, traveled together, etc, in the past few months, and now she files an EMERGENCY petition against me keeping me away from her and my son, and some of the things she put in it are false, but some are true, but they happened so long ago (1 yr+) that I don't even remember most of them. There is only 1 thing in there about our son, and it says that I smacked him in the mouth and when I did it bruised him (about 1 1/2 years ago). I remember open hand smacking his lips for backtalk, but don't recall a bruise. I felt so bad after it that I never did it again. Other than that it's a bunch of stuff she says I did to her. My question is when we meet at the court in a few days over this, what are the chances that they will believe her, over me. Especially when anything I have done to her was that long ago. I have been trying for almost a year now, since the first time she left me, to be nice to her and make her love me all over again, and I thought it was working until about 2 weeks ago when she started acting weird to me. Or better yet, I don't care if they believe her about what I did to her, as long as it doesn't affect seeing my son. I really do care, but don't see what I may or may have not done to her relates to me seeing my son. He means the world to me and I do everything I can to watch out for him, yet she put in the papers that she only wants me to have supervised visitation at the YWCA (his daycare). I don't care if I ever talk to her again as long as I get to see my son and we can be civil when he is present. Sorry for the ramble, but please, HELP!
 


J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
absolutely not, no cheating on her. What I meant about some things being true were I used to push her around, and she did the same to me. Not defending what I did but it was done back to me. No cheating was involved. No drugs, no alcohol either.
 

stephenk

Senior Member
so you slapped a 2 year old in the mouth for "backtalking"? I would call that abuse. Most two year olds dont have enough vocabulary skills to backtalk.

you should first try and complete some anger management classes to show that you can control your physical impulses. It may convince a judge that you are trying to better yourself.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
First, like I said, I wasn't proud of it, and have never done it again. He was 3 and told his mommy "kiss my @$$". Neither one of us knew where he got it. So you're saying that a 1 time thing is considered abuse that happened well over a year ago? It wasn't even very hard, and didn't leave a mark from what I remember. I remember her spanking his butt and leaving a handprint. Isn't that just as bad? Why do people think it's ok to spank a child on the butt but if it's somewhere else it's abuse? What folk tale made the butt the only place that was ok? I see parents smacking their kids hands all the time for touching things they shouldn't and that's not bad, but smacking a child in the mouth once for saying something wrong is abuse? If it was an everyday thing, I would call myself a bad father, but it was once. Am I alone on this? The question I asked though was is that enough for someone to say I can't see my child. I can understand if it was something that just happened and it was the cause of all this, but the only thing she put in the papers was that this happened over a year ago. There has been nothing since. I don't even spank him now. He gets timeouts for being bad and that's about it. Does that make me a bad father?
 

stephenk

Senior Member
Hey you are the one claiming you felt bad about doing it. so why feel bad if you are right?

If spanking is okay with you and the ex, why did you stop spaking as a form of punishment? You said you now use timeouts. Dont you think timeouts would be better punishment for a 2 year old than hitting them in the mouth or butt?

Plus the additional fact that you pushed your wife around, doesnt convince me that you were Mr. In-Control.

You are now learning the hard way what past actions can do to punish you in the present. Since you admit to past abuse of your wife and maybe an over reaction with your 2 year old, a judge may order visits supervised.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
Well, we pushed each other around. It wasn't just me. We were both equally guilty, and if we went on what I hear people call "battle scars" I have then, she doesn't. She would use to claw and so forth, and I have scars on my arms, one on my face, etc. I have never left a mark on her. Also, wouldn't it be her word against mine? There is no proof. As far as the smack in the mouth goes, she has done it also. Why would I have to have supervised visits if she has equally done the same things? For timeouts, in the past year I have read that it's a better form of punishment. Smacking a child just hurts them and teaches them that, but timeout makes them think about what they did more, in my book, so that's why I use timeouts. I don't want to hurt him, just want him to think. I was hoping to get someone on here who had attorney experience. I appreciate people giving their opinions, but I doubt the LAW says that if you smacked a kid in the mouth 1 1/2 years ago you can't see them. Again, I'm just looking for help.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Actually, dude - stephenk IS a lawyer.

What it all really comes down to is that she took action, while you didn't. Now when you tell the judge "But she did it toooooo", he's not going to pay it much mind. DId you call the cops? Report her when she clawed you? If not - you have no proof that she's the one who caused the scars. Is it fair? Maybe not. But it's reality.

Will you see your kid? Yeah, you likely will. But you'd be well served to voluntarily take an anger management class (it'll look good to the judge) and perhaps a parenting class (ditto). Otherwise, it wouldn't surprise me if you end up with a period of supervised visitation.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
Momma, you're right as far as she took action and I didn't but that's only because for the last 3 months, we have been working things out, at least I thought we were. As far as the scars go, I understand that it's just my word and that's it, but isn't it the same way for her? Won't it just be her word against mine for what she's saying? I think what makes this more confusing to me is the fact that any of these things that she said I did that are true, happened 1+ years ago. Since that time, we have, for the most part, gotten along, and even since she left me, we have done things together. I would probably say that the past 3 months have been the best in our marriage, as far as getting along and so forth. I just don't see how anyone can buy her cry for an "emergency domestice violence petition" when nothing has happened for 1+ years and lately we have done nothing but get along. How can someone believe she's afraid of me when she's invited me over 10+ night to sleep over, go out to eat, movies, spend the night in another state with me after a concert, etc? I know nothing about the legal system, and it seems sometimes common sense and the system aren't on the same page.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
I forgot to add, I was told last night by my lawyer that in our state they only apply supervised visitation if you're an alcoholic, drug addict, or felon. I am none of the 3. Makes me wonder, if that's the criteria they go by, why her lawyer put in the papers she wanted me to only have supervised visitation. Would he ask for whatever she asked for even if he knows the law said it doesn't work that way? I know it's a lawyers job to do what a client asks, but wouldn't the judge just look at him and tell him he knows better? I'm confused, naturally. Also, does it help me AT ALL if she just basically packed up everything WE own, and moved it out while I was working, or is that how it works. She dropped me off at work and said she was going shopping w/ her mom, and when she came to pick me up, said she was leaving me and when I was taken to our house, everything was gone but 1 couch. All this stuff was acquired since we have been married, by the way. Now in the papers she says she wants to keep EVERYTHING, including the car, plus wants money from me. Is this basically what happens or is she dreaming? She knows that my little boy is all I care about, or want, so maybe that's it?
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Maybe yes, maybe no. Domestic violence and the consequences are huge in the news these days - because of situations where petitions weren't ordered (or were simply ignored) and women and kids have been killed. Not saying that's you, but courts are less willing to take the chance. Your best bet is to ask for a mutual RO, where neither of you can be near the other except for swapping the child for visitation - you'd be wise to ask for that to happen in a public place like a police station to protect yourself.

And yes, you may find yourself with supervised visitation. She's alleged that you smacked him and you admit you did. If she has a lawyer (and you don't), that's as much of an answer as you're going to get. You're not going to get to elaborate with the "but she smacked him on the butt and left a handprint."

Long and short of it is - you NEED a lawyer.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
I did get a lawyer last night. Also, she has smacked him in the mouth before too. Is it in my interest to say she did it too? Or will it sound like I'm just saying it because she said it. Again, I'm ignorant to the law, but I don't understand why a judge would say, "I know you love your son and do everything you can to protect him and you're the only person in his life who plays with him(after she picks him up from daycare at 6pm they go home and she plays that stupid Sims Online game all night), you can only see him at the YWCA because she says you smacked him in the mouth a year and a half ago." Is that really how the system works? Yes, I said on here that I did it because I wanted to be honest to know what my happen, but I have had other people say that if it's going to be a problem, it's just her word against mine so say I didn't do it. I don't want to lie, but 90% of the stuff she said I did to her is a lie anyway. When he's here(i'm currently living at my parents house, so he sees his papaw and mamaw when he's here too) he behaves real well, but just the other day when I was talking to her I had to hold on for at least 3 minutes because he wanted another juice and she told him that he had to finish his warm one he got 2 hours earlier, and they were arguing and yelling back and forth at each other.(I want another juice, no you're not getting one, yes I am, no you're not, etc.) He never does that here, and shouldn't be doing it there either. I don't want to take him away from her because I believe he needs us both, but how much do I NOT say about her while she's saying things about me? I mean, the best, or should I say, ONLY thing she could come up with in the 4 1/2 years we had him was something I did to him 1 1/2 years ago, which at the time wasn't a problem. She probably even told me to smack his mouth for saying what he said. Hope it doesn't just sound like I'm venting, which I may be.
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Your best bet is to be completely honest with your attorney and follow his/her suggestions on what to say and what not to say. Lying isn't a bright idea. "She probably even told me to smack his mouth for saying what he said" is pretty stupid because you already said you did it - trying to pawn it off as her idea isn't going to make you look any better.

The judge isn't going to say "I know you love your son and do everything you can to protect him and you're the only person in his life who plays with him(after she picks him up from daycare at 6pm they go home and she plays that stupid Sims Online game all night), you can only see him at the YWCA because she says you smacked him in the mouth a year and a half ago." But s/he may well say that you seem to have difficulty controlling your anger. Which is why it's been suggested to go to anger management and parenting classes. It'll be a point to your side. The more you say "but she did it toooooo" and "It was 1 1/2 yeeeeears ago" the more you're going to piss off the judge. Talk to your lawyer.
 
J

jaredsdaddy

Guest
I didn't say I was going to say that stuff. I asked if it should be said though. I just want to understand why she can say whatever she wants of a part truth or only part of a story, but if I want to tell the whole truth or whole story I shouldn't. I'm not arguing with you, because I'm looking for advice. Lets say I say, yes, I did it and haven't done it since. Then I say she has done it more than once. You think that will piss the judge off letting them know someone else did the same thing I am accused of doing? I know this is nothing like murder, but if I tell you to go kill someone, I'm just as responsible as you are right? Is it not the same way if mommy tells daddy to smack the kid because I was closer? Just want to understand. I know this will all be taken care of on Wednesday but I'm trying to get through it until then. I don't want someone to just say something to make me feel better, but this is the custody hearing. She only has temporary custody until then. I was told by someone that whoever looks the worst loses, so that's why I was asking if I should point out things she has done. I mean, if the determining factor is I smacked his mouth once, why not say she did it twice. I know it's not that simple, but it seems like people are telling me that because of 1 mouth smack that long ago I may only get supervised visits while it's ok she's done it more than once and she gets custody of him. Also, there are kids living with parents who have broken their bones or beat them. Where is the fairness in that.
 

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