From Bad to Worse

What is the name of your state? Indiana

While moving from the house I and my (now) ex-boyfriend of 4 years shared, we had a dispute over property. It became physical starting with him grabbing my arms, but it flared from there. I felt I had to call police to come and control the situation so he would quit, and I could move my things. During the call, I explained that it had become physical. The officer on the scene only asked me if he had put his hands on me, and I replied "yes".
He asked my ex if he grabbed me, and he said "yes" as well, then he was arrested. I didn't want the man arrested. I spoke with the prosecuting attorney's office to try and tell them I had no intentions of pressing charges, nor did I feel the situation warrented his arrest. I filled out an affidavit saying as much, but they are going through with it anyway. He has never been violent before, and he is not the stereotypical "abuser". I just needed him to be gone long enough that I could get my stuff moved, but now both of our lives have been turned upside down. Is there anything I can do to get this dropped? Two things: The police officer never talked to me about the situation until after he arrested my ex. And two: The officer told me what to write on my statement. I need help... this man doesn't deserve what happened to him, and If I'd had any idea, I would never have called. Please help!!

The officer did as he was trained and as the law dictates. If there is any physical contact in a domestic dispute, the agressive party must be arrested. This is not up to you.

As for your statement that this man did not deserve it, you're wrong. Anyone who "Grabs" your arm is an abuser and just because he was stopped now doesn't mean he won't do it again.

If you really think he's a "nice" guy, then get him help to deal with anger management. Otherwise, the police did their job and that was to insure you weren't found dead the next morning or at least in the emergency room.

Yes, I understand the officer was doing his job, and if a crime has been committed, he doesn't need me to request anything be done. However, I feel the officer jumped the gun a bit, by not asking more questions first...like "Who put their hands on whom first?", or something of that nature. At the time he arrested my ex, he ONLY knew that he had at some point put his hands on me. And about telling me what to write in my statements? I'm sure the officer was doing what he thought best to protect me, and please don't think I don't appreciate it. But people make mistakes. My ex made a mistake, yes, but has absolutely NO prior history of violence. I'm not making excuses for him, I know what he did was wrong, so does he. He IS going to anger management and counseling now. But what he did does not warrent an arrest, and domestic battery on his record for life. The reason it escalated is because I freaked when he grabbed my arms, and I started swinging. Then him, then me... it just got crazy, and neither of us are like that. It scared us both. Is there anything else I might be able to do besides the affadavit I filled out? Thank you for your time, and your input, Hexeliebe, I do appreciate it.

ps. I just realized that the comment "started swinging" may lead to believe that either of us hit the other... this isn't the case, just an expression.

Julia311 said:

I feel the officer jumped the gun a bit, by not asking more questions first...like "Who put their hands on whom first?",

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Next time don't wait for him to ask, just tell him. That way you can go too.

Look, its obvious that I'm ignorant of the law, and how things work in that capacity. Please, right now, I don't need a slam, ok, Son? I need someone who is willing to offer legal advice IF they have it, and are willing to give it. If you just want to cut my throat and make me look even more like a jackass on here, then please don't waste your time or mine.

Julia,

One of the ways to learn anything is to filter the information coming to you. Take some of the idiots on this forum who can't wait to offer their ignorance as fact and use it to strengthen your resolve to learn what you need.

By responding you only fuel their stupid cause.

As for what can you do, as I told you, nothing. The matter is now between "him" and the state. The best thing you can do for you is to move on until such time as he is ready to accept responsibility for what he did and become who you still think he is.

You should also seek counseling for overreacting. It seems like you both need to learn how to handle stress and how to "fight fair".

Women recant in domestic violence cases ALL the time, so courts and cops don't take recantations seriously. All you can do is express your desire not to proceed with this, and hope they drop it. If they don't, he might be offered a plea bargain involving probation and domestic violence classes. If it comes to a trial, you can be subpoenaed to testify. You can tell the jury your version, the prosecutor will have the police testify about your original statement, and the jury will have to sort out what the truth is.

Thank you, Hexeliebe, and Calatty. I appreciate your responses, and I'll do what I can and hope for the best. I begin classes and counseling Friday, and he begins with his classes and counseling next week with his own counselor. Again, thank you both. Best wishes....