How do I get out?

What is the name of your state? FL

Where do I start?? I am a 31 yr old mother of 3 small children and have been married almost 12 yrs. My husband is verbally, mentally and occasionally, physically abusive. I guess I am so afraid to leave, I just don't know how. I'm afraid that he would do something to me if I left. He's threatned me many times and sometimes I really believe what he says. I want to leave but I don't know where I would go. I just can't see myself dragging 3 kids to a shelter when I have a house. He won't leave. Plenty of times I threatned to leave and then he's sorry but then things go right back to the way they were with him yelling and cursing at everyone in the house. I do know that what he is doing is wrong and I can't explain why I stay besides I am afraid of what he might do to me or my kids.....what are some suggestions??

Silvie said:

What is the name of your state? FL

Where do I start?? I am a 31 yr old mother of 3 small children and have been married almost 12 yrs. My husband is verbally, mentally and occasionally, physically abusive. I guess I am so afraid to leave, I just don't know how. I'm afraid that he would do something to me if I left. He's threatned me many times and sometimes I really believe what he says. I want to leave but I don't know where I would go. I just can't see myself dragging 3 kids to a shelter when I have a house. He won't leave. Plenty of times I threatned to leave and then he's sorry but then things go right back to the way they were with him yelling and cursing at everyone in the house. I do know that what he is doing is wrong and I can't explain why I stay besides I am afraid of what he might do to me or my kids.....what are some suggestions??

Click to expand...

My response:

Let's see . . . he won't leave, and you won't leave, and you won't go to a Women's Shelter . . . hmmmm, let me see . . .

You both deserve each other!

Look. This is a legal site. It's not a "Dear Abby" or an "I need a shoulder to cry on" site.

IAAL

Would you prefer that he beat you so badly one day that you're taken to a hospital or morgue instead of a shelter? Does a shelter sound better to you now?

I can see how you think that "dragging 3 kids to a shelter" would seem like a big ordeal. But taking these kids out of that environment is the BEST THING you can do. So what if you have to give up a few luxuries? What's more important to you....you're safety and your children's safety or your house?

It's time to start making some hard choices. You have 3 kids to think about. I'm not just trying to get you to do something I think you should do. I've been there.

My first husband was a Marine. He had to be the worst example of a Marine the Armed Forces has had the displeasure to recruit. In the beginning of our marriage, everything was fine. The bad things happened slowly. An arguement here or a threat there, but soon bigger problems flowered. He started staying out longer and longer with people I didn't know and he became more and more possessive. If I went to take a bath, he sat in there the whole time with me. If I had to use the bathroom, he waited outside the door. He once said we should "kill ourselves together" to prove our love. If we were in public together and I made eye contact with another man, I got chewed out when I got home. I got off work and arrived home about 5:15 p.m. everyday. I could actually be putting my key into the front door to unlock it in the afternoon and could hear the phone already ringing. He made me account for every minute I was late after 5:15 p.m. He came home for lunch one day and an arguement ensued. He took his plate of food, threw it across the room and slapped me. He then took a shotgun and placed it in his lap and sat down in a chair by the front door. He started crying, lit a cigarette and told me that he "couldn't take our married life anymore" because I was "getting too hard to control" and I "back-talked" him too much. When I told him I was leaving him, he jumped up, grabbed me by the throat and positioned me against a wall. He pulled his fist back and stared at me. Having had enough of this episode (along with the various other things he did), I just said, "When you hit me, you better kill me because if you don't, I'm going to have you arrested. But that is't going to be the worst of it for you. My father is going to kill you." He let me go and he left. I gathered all my belongings and left. Two days later, he called me at work and said, "If you don't come back home, I'm going to kill myself". I said, "Make sure you do it somewhere other than our apartment. If you make a mess, I won't be able to get the deposit back." Then I hung up. I filed for divorce and, after 3 years of marriage, I was free.

Yes, I had to give up our apartment, all our furniture and my car. Did I care? No. BECAUSE my peace of mind and happiness were more important. I knew I could gt another apartment and more furniture. I couldn't replace my life if he killed me.

It's no fun waking up to find out that you're dead from domestic violence.

mrseld: Amen!

HomeGuru: LOL

I understand exactly where you are coming from because I am in an almost identical situation. The solutions are not always as easy as they might seem to an outsider especially when there are children involved. unfortunately I can't offer any advice except to ignore insensitive jerks like I AM ALWAYS LIABLE. I have read several of his posts and he seems to get some kind of cheap thrill out of trying to degrade people who are here for actual legal advice.His profile says he is a lawyer and law professor but he sure seems to have a lot of spare time to post assinine responses to legitimate questions. Must not have many clients...hmm, wonder why? As for teaching..you know the old saying...those who can't do, teach. My opinion is he tries to make everyone else feel inferior to him to make up for a small penis!!

OP- Do you not have parents, siblings, that you can turn to?
Do you have any friends?
Have you tried getting a protective order on him? That would keep him out of your home. Although, that could piss him off, and force his to do some damage, so never mind.

I would first consider talking to family and friends.
If nothing else, seek habitation in a Women's shelter for awhile, until you figure things out.

I hope everything works well for you.
I will keep you in my prayers.
God's Blessings!

Silvie
The only person's behavior over which you have any control is your own.

Years of therapy will not change your husband; it will only offer him ways to deal with his anger and hostility and his need to bully weaker individuals. He will always be a person that will seek to take out his frustrations on a weaker person.

I imagine you would give up your life to save the life of one of your children even if it meant dying a most horrible and gruesome death.

Don't you think you can forfeit a house and furniture, mere possessions, in order to save four valuable lives?

Take your children and get out. Go to the nearest women's shelter; let them help you get whatever legal help you need and assist you in getting into a home of a friend or relative or an apartment of your own.

If you can't think of yourself, think of the children and save their lives.

Best wishes,
EC

My ex-husband was also verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I don't know why I stayed so long (15 years) - it was when he began to turn his aggressiveness our kids. I think that's what did it for me -that's when I left. Don't wait that long - get out - NOW. I went to the police, filed a restraining order - had him removed from the house and moved back in. For weeks I barracaded the doors for fear he'd break in. I was convinced he'd come back and kill me. Believe it or not we're friends now, but I'll never forget.

So - please - don't wait - get out of the relationship - get him out of the house and get YOUR life and the lives of your three kids in order! And don't look back!

See if any of these shelters are near you

Florida Domestic Violence Shelters:



Florida Coalition Against Domestic Violence 1521 A Killearn Center Blvd. Tallahassee, FL 32308 (904)668-6862


Another Way Inc. P.O. Box 529 Archer FL 32618 Business #: 904-493-2522 Hotline/Crisis: (800)369-6700


Hope Family Services, Inc. P.O. Box 1624 Bradenton FL 34206 Business #: 813-747-7790 Hotline/Crisis: 813-755-6805


Family Life Center P.O. Box 2058 Bunnell FL 32110 Business #: 904-437-3505 Hotline/Crisis: 904-437-3505


Spouse Abuse Shelter of RCS P.O. Box 10594 Clearwater FL 34617 Business #: 813-442-4128 Hotline/Crisis: 813-442-4129


The Salvation Army Domestic Violence Shelter P.O. Box 1540 Cocoa FL 32923 Business #: 407-631-2764 Hotline/Crisis: 407-631-2764


Sunrise of Pasco County, Inc. P.O. Box 928 Dade City FL 33526 Business #: 904-521-3120 Hotline/Crisis: 904-521-3120


Domestic Abuse Council, Inc. P.O. Box 142 Daytona Beach FL 32115 Business #: 904-255-2130 Hotline/Crisis: 904-255-2102


Aid to Victims of Domestic Assault, Inc. P.O. Box 667 Deray Beach FL 33447 Business #: 407-265-2900 Hotline/Crisis: 407-265-2900


Women in Distress of Broward County, Inc. P.O. Box 676 Fort Lauderdale FL 33302 Business #: 305-760-9800 Hotline/Crisis: 761-1133


Abuse Counseling & Treatment, Inc. P.O. Box 60401 Fort Meyers FL 33906 Business #: 813-939-2553 Hotline/Crisis: 813-939-3112


Safe Space Domestic Violence Services P.O. Box 4222 Fort Pierce FL 34950 Business #: 407-595-0042


Shelter House, Inc. P.O. Box 220 Fort Walton Beach FL 32549 Business #: 904-833-3772 Hotline/Crisis: 904-863-4777 Toll Free #: (800)44ABUSE


Sexual and Physical Abuse Resource Center (SPACE) P.O. Box 5099 Gainesville FL 32602 Business #: 904-377-5690 Hotline/Crisis: 904-377-8255 Toll Free #: (800)393-SAFE


Metro Dade - SouthDade Victim's Center 49 West Mowry St. Homestead FL 33030 Business #: 305-247-4249 Hotline/Crisis: 305-247-4249


CASA/Citrus Abuse Shelter Association, Inc. P.O. Box 205 Inverness FL 34451 Business #: 904-344-8111 Hotline/Crisis: 904-344-8111


Hubbard House, Inc. P.O. Box 4909 Jacksonville FL 32201 Business #: 904-399-1000 Hotline/Crisis: 904-354-3114 Toll Free #: (800)76-ABUSE


Help Now of Osceola, Inc. WIN (For Women in Need) P.O. Box 421302 Kissimmee FL 32742 Business #: 407-847-8562 Hotline/Crisis: 407-847-8562


Peace River Center Domestic Violence Shelter P.O. Box 797 Lakeland FL 33802 Business #: 813-682-7063 Hotline/Crisis: 813-682-7270


Domestic Abuse Shelter, Inc. P.O. Box 522696 Marathon Shores FL 33052 Business #: 305-743-9465 Hotline/Crisis: 743-4440


Metro-Dade Advocates For Victims 7831 N.E. Miami Crt. Miami FL 33138 Business #: 305-758-2546 Hotline/Crisis: 305-758-2546


Shelter for Abused Women of C. C. P.O. Box 10102 Naples FL 33941 Business #: 813-775-3862 Hotline/Crisis: 813-775-1101 Toll Free #: (800)780-HELP


Rape Crisis/Spouse Abuse Center P.O. Box 21193 Ocala FL 32678 Business #: 904-622-8495 Hotline/Crisis: 904-622-8495 Toll Free #: (800)736-4461


Martha's House, Inc. P.O. Box 663 Okeechobee FL 34973 Business #: 813-763-2893 Hotline/Crisis: 813-763-0202


Quigley House, Inc. P.O. Box 142 Orange Park Fl 32073 Business #: 904-284-0340 Hotline/Crisis: 904-284-0061 Toll Free #: (800)339-5017


Spouse Abuse, Inc. P.O. Box 680748 Orlando FL 32868 Business #: 407-886-2244 Hotline/Crisis: 407-886-2856


Women's Residential & Counseling Center 107 E. Hillcrest St. Orlando FL 32801 Business #: 407-425-2502 Hotline/Crisis: 407-425-2502


Salvation Army Domestic Violence Program 651 - J W.14th St. Panama City FL 32401 Business #: 904-769-7989 Hotline/Crisis: 904-763-0706


FavorHouse of Northwest Florida, Inc. 1207 W. Moreno St. Pensacola FL 32501 Business #: 904-434-1177 Hotline/Crisis: 904-434-6600


The Salvation Army Domestic Violence P.O. Box 1050 Port Richey FL 34673 Hotline #: 813-856-5797


Center for Abuse and Rape Emergencies, Inc. P.O. Box 234 Punta Gorda FL 33951 Business #: 813-639-5499 Hotline/Crisis: 813-627-6000 Toll Free #: (813)475-6465


Mary and Martha House P.O. Box 1251 Ruskin FL 33570 Business #: 813-645-7874


Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center (SPARCC) 1750 17th St. Bldg H Sarasota FL 34234 Business #: 813-365-1976 Hotline/Crisis: 813-365-1976


Center Against Spouse Abuse, Inc. P.O. Box 414 St. Petersburg FL 33731 Business #: 813-895-4912 Hotline/Crisis: 813-898-3671


Refuge House of Leon County, Inc. P.O. Box 4356 Tallahassee FL 32315 Business #: 904-921-0692 Hotline/Crisis: 904-681-2111


The Spring of Tampa Bay, Inc. P.O. Box 4772 Tampa FL 33677 Business #: 813-247-5433 Hotline/Crisis: 813-247-SAFE


Mary Rubloff YWCA Harmony House 901 S. Olive Avenue West Palm Beach FL 33401 Business #: 407-833-2439 Hotline/Crisis: 407-655-6106