Seeking advice concerning joint physical custody

Hello. I have a few questions and I am hoping that I may be able to find sound advice and direction in this forum. The situation:

I am a 22 year old father of a 26 month old daughter, Katie. I live in South Carolina and the mother lives in Virginia... a 5 hour distance.

Both mother and I are not together but share joint legal custody of Katie and I have supervised visitation. Unfortunately, I am only able to visit my daughter every weekend, because I am unable to take great lengths of time off of work.

Because of this, I have requested to the mother if it would be possible to allow me to care for Katie for a week or so in SC so that not only would the father-daughter bond remain, but also that I may share in my responsibilities as a parent. The mother declined and would not approve of such visit. She has in the past though allowed me once to bring Katie to SC alone for a week, there was absolutely no problem at all, and Katie greatly enjoyed her visit, as I did also.

Because the mother has become uncooperable, through emails and failure to even call me or even send me any letters about Katie (I always called first and wrote letters to her, receiving none in return), I filed for joint physical custody through the court system in Virginia.

I do pay child support on a very regular basis and I am soon going to get an apartment with a separate bedroom for Katie (so that she would have a suitable place to stay) - I currently am living with my parents for another month. I do visit a weekend every month, but each visit has been dealt with frustration from the mother that my very presence is an annoyance to her, the mother. (this makes me feel bad and helps alienate me from my daughter, who I greatly miss and want to see).

I am unable to afford a lawyer, so I have been doing great research on the Internet. And have found some helpful answers to my questions.

A question that does seem the greatest though, do you feel I have a strong case? Is it likely due to me living out-of-state that I could be denied of my request? What is a feasible joint physical plan to share with the other parent (every other two weeks? is what I'm considering of requesting).

I do thank all for reading this very serious event in my life. It's unfortunate that a little girl's best interests are at stake and I feel that with proper knowledge, advice, and love, that those interests could be protected.

Thank You. If you have any further questions, please ask, I will definitely be reading postings on a daily basis. Again, thank you.

-Jason

I encourage you in your quest. Your contentions for shared physical custody sounds well thought out. You of course will tell the judge that the material changes that have occurred are: your improved financial ability to care for the daughter on your own, and the lack of cooperation from the mother regarding current visitation plus the request for more visitation. You can read our web site on child custody at freeadvice.com/law/544us.htm. OK?

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Mark B. Replogle

I too wish you te best of luck and hope you get what you want. You sound very well educated for a 22 year old. Probably more than me at age 30. Any way, why is your visitation supervised? Was this done by the courts or did your X recommend it. Get legal advise on this matter. It's difficult because your in a different State than her. Do you have an existing order from the courts? If you do, what State? If It's where your X is, the court near you might not take the case. Then you would have to go to her State. I know because I went throught it myself. My X lives in Nevada and the kids were with him. I live in NY.He tried to take me to court in NV and they wouldn't hear it because the original order was started in NY. So every time I had a court date he had to come here. By the way, I won. Because he violated the original court order by hiding the kids for 3 years. I went and got them on April 12th 2000. We are together now and happier than ever. Your time will come. Just remember it takes time. Get the ball rolling. If you cant afford an attorney the check out the Legal Aid Society. I used them.There free lawyers. And can usually be found in your family court building. If not then make some phone calls. I wish you the best of luck. We need more fathers like you around. Not many left.

My first question is this... why SUPERVISED visits? Are they court ordered? IF not, you can see her without supervision, though you may have to petition the courts for it.

X

[This message has been edited by I AM ALWAYS LIABLE (edited October 13, 2000).]

I would like to thank all on everyone's reply and interest in helping me with this situation, your encouragement means a great deal. I am very delighted to hear all views and inputs. Everyone is so polite and informative. I can't thank you enough.

To answer the first question, I only have supervised visitation because the mother greatly feels that because we are no longer a couple, that I may attempt to kidnap my daughter. However, when we were together, she didn't feel this way when she allowed me to bring my daughter down to visit. Her reason for breaking up, "I just lost the love," doesn't warrant a good excuse to deprive my daughter of visiting. I'm not the kind of person to kidnap and I've seen enough episode of Cops to know that I'll get in deep trouble. I don't want to be a Dad behind bars.

Second part, the mother has always lived in Virginia, and I have always lived in South Carolina. We met when I attended college in VA. I have made attempts to move up to Virginia for my daughter's sake. I have applied to many places to attempt to get a job. However, the part that really upset me was when the mother and I discussed visitation when I moved up. I asked if I would be able to have an agreement set up if I move up that I would have joint custody. She denied and stated, "not in a long time."

That upset me, and has fueled my decision to remain in SC because I have a good paying job to take care of child support and other expenses for me. I can raise a good household down here rather than a lower-income based area in Virginia where I was going to move to. My strong point was to hope that because of the better standard-of-living where I am, that would not present a problem for joint physical custody. I still would like the child's domicile to remain in Virginia because of better schooling and to share my daughter with the mother.

I'm now trying to contact the Legal Aid Society in VA. But they have not responded yet to an email. I'm going to call on Monday instead.

My main goal is just trying to share my daughter equally with the mother and myself and our respective families. There's no bitterness on my side, but she definitely displays it in her emails where she trashes out on me makes me feel terrible as if I'm not doing my part, but that's why I ask for more responsibility. Anyway... Is the legal system unfair at most times to men in my situation? I hear that the courts are leaning more on the father's end now to allow fair justice, and I'm glad for it. I hope it is in my case as well.

Again, thank you all for your replies... each and every one proves a valuable word of advice. Thank you.

Regarding your daughter and joint custody: I have to agree with IAAL on children needing "grounding" with one parent, while having visitation with the other (as you stated) in order to maintain the father-child bond. Joint custody does not have to mean "you get her 6 months and I get her 6 months."

Research increasingly shows a correlation between a child's adjustment and involvment with the father (especially availability). What I'm saying is, go for your visitation through the court system (a custody/visitation agreement) for your 2 weekends or 1 week a month. Developmentally, she has probably established a pretty strong attachment to her primary caregiver (and limiting separation trauma would be in her best interest at this point in time), but at the same time, your relationship with her needs to be nurtured, consistently. However, as she gets older and becomes comfortable in knowing that even if she leaves her mother to come with you, her mother will be awaiting her return. And nothing says she can't call mom when she's with you (and vice versa -- even if she is only 3, for example).

It would be helpful, over time (I'm sure the wounds are still pretty fresh), if you and the mother could build some kind of working relationship, to include similar (healthy) discipline styles -- in the interest of Katie, for several reasons. It will show her that problems can be resolved, that each of you love her unconditionally, that you're consistent, and that you're both willing to sacrifice for her -- because she is an important person, and she's worth it.

On a final note, I don't agree with IAAL regarding the "wrongness" of joing custody, nor do I agree that having 2 beds, 2 homes, 2 sets of toys, etc., is so confusing/devastating. As a parent, you can actually make this interesting, exciting, and fun for Katie, pointing out all the positives of having two families that love her so much. I also think that this kind of arrangement (as prominent as it is becoming in our society, unfortunately) can be helpful to kids in broadening their experiences for life later on. When she is older, she will appreciate what you have both done for her -- and especially for being there and providing for her basic needs. She will have a sense of belonging x 2. Personally, I feel for the kids who are deprived of one parent, only having upbringing by one, usually totally stressed out parent -- usually the mother.

Good Luck!

Keep the lines of communication wide open!

[This message has been edited by indysucks (edited April 24, 2000).]

I finally have my court date set for next
week on the 6th of June in order to try to
protect my rights as a father.

I've set up my plan of argument towards my
ex-girlfriend. I have no attorney, and I'm
sure she might. But I feel the strength of
logic in my case will outweigh her attempt
to deny bringing my daughter to South
Carolina on a fair and equal basis to
parenthood that she is so much enjoying.

I'm just bringing the topic up again if there
are any last minute advice or helpful tips
that may help me in my cause that anyone might have available to share.

Thank you all for your previous help in this great matter to my child and myself.

-Jason