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Is this considered abuse? A little long-sorry

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JanDoe

Member
What is the name of your state? Illinois

For several months previous, my husband and I have been having some pretty tough times. As of three months ago, my mother-in-law has been in the hospital. I have been visiting her weekly, usually alone. My husband has been living in her home for these three months. Now, as of one week ago, my mother-in-law was placed on "comfort care" and could pass away at anytime. I have been coming to visit every morning until late at night, while my husband is with her 24 hours a day and has refused to leave her bedside. I am grieving for her and completely feel horrible he is going through this. My mother-in-law and I were good friends. However, he has treated me, especially this last week, horrendously. I would blame it on his grief, but I am the only one this anger is directed toward. Here are just a few of the things he has done to me this past week, while I have been visiting:

**Did not call me when he was told by the Dr. to call any close relatives because she could die at any moment. He did, at least, pick up our son from school and allow him to visit. My son called me for a ride and that's how I found out.
**Completely turns his back to me and won't speak if I'm in the room; won't answer my questions;
**Complains he is hungry, etc. but refuses to accept my offers to bring him something, then proceeds to complain to the nurses and family members about his needs not being met;
**When asked by hospital staff who everyone visiting is, he introduces everyone with their names and titles, but refuses to say I am his wife;
**Screamed at me in front of his family to leave the hospital after I begin speaking. His family was appalled and embarrassed and said I did and said nothing inappropriate;
**When other family members call to offer food- my husband asks everyone else in the room what they want except me;
**When I leave the room to use the bathroom or take a short walk, he watches me carefully or goes to look for me; his own aunt told me he questioned her about where I might have gone when I left to pick up our son from work!
**I found him crying to a nurse, but when I approached, she turned and walked away, as did he;
**The phone rang in the room (it is pretty loud) and my husband yelled "Fu**!!!" I didn't want my mother-in-law to become frightened or upset, so I just said my husband's name and "please". He became ENRAGED and told me to, "Get my trashy a** out of the room!!";
**Throws my hand off of him or yells if I try to touch him or offer support whenever he is crying;
**Joked to his aunt, before taking a shower at the hospital, that he should ask some of the nurse to bathe him;

I'm sorry to go on, but I am so upset and really think I may be being abused. I know he is grieiving, but this can't be normal. As of this last week, I am strongly considering filing for a divorce after my mother-in-law has died. I don't care about getting a penny from her inheritance (I know this is not mine legally anyhow). Please tell me: am I selfish to feel upset about this treatment? Or, could this be considered abuse? I still keep coming back to the hospital everyday, but the treatment is even worse which each passing day.
Thanks for any advice. I don't know where to turn.
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I think different people manifest their grief in different ways, and this may or may not be one of them. Most of us lash out at those we feel safest with. If this is a relatively new behavior from him, I suspect it's completely attributable to his mother's illness/imminent death.
 
D

dyinginside

Guest
i dont think it is normal at all im sorry. i would straight out tell him how you feel when you have some time alone. i mean yes people can act funny when they are grieving but to call you trashy and ask people where they think youve went...makes it sound like he thinks your having some kind of affair or something. i just wouldnt be able to tolerate him embarassing me in front of family and everyone else like that.....you two seriously need to talk.
 
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earlybird

Guest
I want you to know that my husband lost both his parents two yrs. ago in a one car accident. Since then, his abuse has gotten so bad. At first I blamed it on his grief. Yet, as I really did some
inner searching I discovered his own Father was controlling, manipulative, angry outbursts, and treated his wife horribly.
Now, the husband I once knew is gone. His heart has hardened in such a way that he does not want anything to do with Prayer, or God. This is not normal behaviour. Especially calling you names in public, humiliation is do degrading. Not to mention just leaving you out all together. yes, this is abuse. emotional, mental, and verbal.
 

JanDoe

Member
In reply

Many thanks for the replies and disclosures. I am also afraid my husband's heart has grown hard as well. I went back again to the hospital last night to visit and was careful to only spoke when spoken to, talk quietly, etc. These attributes are not like me, but I want to keep the peace and be allowed to visit. My husband never said one word to me and even ignored me when we passed each another in the hall. When his brother arrived, I picked up my coat and told his brother I needed to leave to get something to eat and pick up my son from work. Well, when I looked near his direction, my husband caught my eye and gave me one of the most evil looks I have ever seen. I am still trying to figure out why. I love my mother-in-law, but I hope this is all over soon. I am anxious about the future; afraid of what will happen or be said when I am ever alone again with my husband; worried about what will happen to my home, if I should call a lawyer, etc.
However, I feel at this point, it is best to wait it out, because I feel so much hurt and anger toward my husband. It sounds selfish and I want him to be the best son possible to her, but I feel nauseous when I see my husband cradle my mother-in-law and kiss her, saying he loves her, while I'm over in the corner being treated like I am invisible. I do know I deserve better than the way I'm being treated. I strongly believe in marriage, but I would rather die alone that be treated like a bag of trash.
Earlybird- What does the future hold for your marriage?
 
Is there some background information that you are not telling about some previous problems in the relationship?...The reason I ask is because it seems ( by what you wrote) that the grief brought up by his mom's declining health, has brought up some past negative feelings that y'all might have shared. This is a very rough time, and you contemplating divorce over one week of an attitude seems a little premature.

IMO, I don't see how a talk would help. He obviously does not want to speak to you right now nor does he want you there. I would suggest a simple statement. One that explains that you know and understand that he is grieving and although you don't understand why he is treating you this way, you can understand that he needs space. Tell him that you will be there when he is ready. Then leave it alone.

Continue to be there for the MIL. I would not put yourself in a place to get your feelings hurt or be put down. Introduce yourself, bring your own food, and if you know that he is going to get attitude when you try to console him...then don't. Yes, it is a hard thing to do. It is unfortunate that you are going through this. We always tend to hurt the ones we love.

I heard this somewhere:
Joy is shared by all. Grief is endured by one.
 
L

lostagain

Guest
Just some thoughts

Having survived a domestic violence relationship you can take what I say with that in mind. I recognize that grief can take many forms yet this situation seems different somehow. I don't want to make excuses for him in any manner yet I wonder to myself why he is "suddenly" giving you evil looks and such - did he think you had a good relationship with his mother - or are just pretending? Sometimes when someone has done something bad themselves they treat others bad - like maybe he cheated or something to deal with his mother's death and then becomes insanely jealous with you (watching where you go etc.) I would suggest that from what you've provided that something is missing. Also because I presume you are grieving also that you need some support at this time - go to your local Abuse counseling center (which is confidential) or call a local crisis line and seek some support. Also, if you feel it is safe - such as if you can get your husband alone for a moment I would have a little chat about what is happening with him and how he is treating you. No one should have to live with abuse and if you are frightened then perhaps you should be - and need to seek support of one who knows how to help you. You know your situation better than anyone.
 
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earlybird

Guest
Re: In reply

JanDoe said:
Many thanks for the replies and disclosures. I am also afraid my husband's heart has grown hard as well. I went back again to the hospital last night to visit and was careful to only spoke when spoken to, talk quietly, etc. These attributes are not like me, but I want to keep the peace and be allowed to visit. My husband never said one word to me and even ignored me when we passed each another in the hall. When his brother arrived, I picked up my coat and told his brother I needed to leave to get something to eat and pick up my son from work. Well, when I looked near his direction, my husband caught my eye and gave me one of the most evil looks I have ever seen. I am still trying to figure out why. I love my mother-in-law, but I hope this is all over soon. I am anxious about the future; afraid of what will happen or be said when I am ever alone again with my husband; worried about what will happen to my home, if I should call a lawyer, etc.
However, I feel at this point, it is best to wait it out, because I feel so much hurt and anger toward my husband. It sounds selfish and I want him to be the best son possible to her, but I feel nauseous when I see my husband cradle my mother-in-law and kiss her, saying he loves her, while I'm over in the corner being treated like I am invisible. I do know I deserve better than the way I'm being treated. I strongly believe in marriage, but I would rather die alone that be treated like a bag of trash.
Earlybird- What does the future hold for your marriage?
JanDoe,
This is Earlybird. My future? Well, sadly enough to say he is not speaking to me, nor can I go back into "our" bedroom since I spent the night in the extra bedroom because of him saying I stink because of my stomache problems, and flatulance! Its so embarassing. He told me if I slept in the other room, do not expect to sleep in the bed with him! Today, he accused me of stealing his debit card. Plus,. not to mention he sure does smell awfully good going to work!! I have signed a lease for one year.
Sect. 8 is helping me. However, my abuse, is all verbal, mental, psychilogically, and emotional. I am afraid of him. Since he punched the door and broke the one side of it with his fist.
I do hope you try to talk to your husband, though. If possible.
Is there a grudge he is holding against you for some odd reason?
hang in there earlybird
 
6

68chick

Guest
You may want to...

Check to see if something snapped mentally.

Trauma can send some people over the edge....look into bi-polar.

Sounds like it to me...

Good luck.
 

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