Refrain from order violated

What is the name of your state? new york
Hi,my bf was arrested for slapping me and the judge back in october had ordered a refrain from order against him.Which he violated that by getting arrested for slapping me and the police charged it as a felony.I dont want anything to happen to him.Can I speak to the da and have them drop charges against him because they are bringing back up the charges against him from october of 2003.He has been seeking counseling on his anger.Pls help I dont want to see him in jail we have a baby between us and he is a great bf and wonderful father to his daughter from his previous marriage and to his son from our relationship.

fredg said:

my bf was arrested for slapping me

<snip>

he is a great bf

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Do you see anything wrong with those two statements? Do you really want your son growing up to believe that it's okay for men to slap (or worse) their gf's? Let him face the music of his actions.

It has only happened twice in three years that we have been together.He doesnt understand why it has happened that is why he is in counselling to figure it out so it doesnt happen again.Pls help with what I can do to keep him out of jail.

Probably nothing. Prosecutors are all too familiar with "good boyfriends" who slap their girlfriends around, and girlfriends who try to keep them out of jail. Twice in three years is two times too many. You deserve better than that.

Well he has never been like that.This was the first time in his life that it has hapened.Well I am gonna call the da in the morning and talk to them and hopefully they will do everything that would keep him out of jail.He is in counselling and I think that shows that he actually is trying to get himself help.I was the one that caused him to slap me.

fredg said:

I was the one that caused him to slap me.

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No. This is exactly why prosecutors don't listen to wives/girlfriends. Your boyfriend is the one who cause him to slap you. His lack of self-control is what caused him to slap you. His being an sob who is unable to use words instead of fists is what caused him to slap you. Are you getting the point? YOU did not make him do this. HE CHOSE TO HIT YOU. HE DECIDED THAT WAS THE WAY TO MAKE YOU LISTEN TO HIM. This is not a good boyfriend. This is not a wonderful Daddy. This is a man who is out of control and should not be a role model to any child.

I totally agree, you shouldn't let your self get sucked into the idea that it is your fault, that is like him throwing a coffee cup on the floor cause you didnt' make coffee and you taking the blame, it is crazy. You have a child and that child needs a mother and if this goes on and on it can only get worse. You need to stand up and be strong for yourself and the baby and let the da do what they have to.

I came here for help not to be downgraded by people that wont help .You dont even know him so dont judge someone till you know them.All of you that replied you all suck and I take it you dont know anything by the laws of ny.I wanted someone to answer that knew ny laws not to judge people.I guess all the people that reply here dont have a life other than put people down.I will never come to this place again and tell everyone i know to stay away from here.

You're actually so wrong it's untrue. I was married to an abusive man, in NY. I'm sorry that you're not ready to stand up for yourself and your child yet. There will come a time when you are. Best of luck to you.

They are not downgrading you they are trying to help you. Trying to help you help yourself. Nobody wants to make you feel bad. You shoud just realize that you have children who have to see and live with what happens. You may have upset your bf but he had choices in how to deal with it, i.e:yelling back, walking away etc when he chooses to use physical punishment it becomes abuse therefor he should be punished himself. My 20 year old sister got with an abusive guy and he beat on her all the time and 9 times out of 10 she blamed herself for it and made up all kinds of things she did wrong to "justify" his hurting her.
Please wake up for your children's sake. Maybe if your bf did have to do a little time in the county jail, it would make him realize that hitting you was the wrong way to let you kow that he was upset with you. It might even "help" him realize his problem BETTER than any of his counseling will....

my best of luck to you AND him and your kids.

If you think it is all right for him to slap you and still be a part of your life, then you think it is all right for him to hit you, beat you, kick you and even kill you. That is your choice, and GOD HELP YOU! If you really believe this was an isolated incident, and the fact that you think he is a great anything is proof that you believe his BS rather than the obvious facts, then you will believe each and every incident is an isolated incident--because he has already formed your thoughts and opinions of who and what he really is, who you are, and why you deserve the incidents--because each and every incident will be isolated and very different, according to what he will have you believe! It is very sad, and I hurt for you since I lived like you are living for several years until I woke up and got the hell out of there--BEFORE HE KILLED ME, and thank God BEFORE HE EVER LAID A HAND ON MY CHILDREN! But, I did not get away before HE HURT MY CHILDREN! Children hurt whenever they are confused and especially when they are confused over a situation that displays pain and suffering and fear for their mother!!! Again, it your choice if you choose to allow your innocent child to be hurt because of his mother's inability to stand up for herself and her child!

But, if you believe he will not hurt you child, anymore than he is already by abusing you, then YOU ARE DEAD WRONG! HE WILL!!! It is a 100% sure guarantee! Now, it is sad that you are in the position to choose certain injury or even death for your child! Your child depends on you for everything, and his safety and happiness is your responsibility! He only gets to be a child once, and whatever you decide for him during his childhood years lays the foundation for the kind of adult he will become.

You must ask yourself what is important, and you must ask yourself if you really love your son. No matter what you say or what it is you tell yourself and your son is not the truth...THE TRUTH LIES ONLY IN WHAT YOU DO!

I have to believe you love your son, and I pray that you will put your faith in that love. There is NO REASON THAT YOU CANNOT LEAVE NOW! Never go back, or you will be showing your son that you love him less than a mother should love her son and you are sentencing you child to a life of abuse and violence! Your son deserves better...he deserves to have all of you and all of your love! Please, as a mother, I am begging you to avoid making a decision that you cannot take back some day!

There are lots of people and agencies out there that WANT to help YOU! Let them! Spend your life loving and enjoying the greatest of all God's blessings--your little miracle!