Loosing it!!!!

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Georgia
I am the mother of 5 children 16 yob, 15 yob, 13 yog, 12 yog, and 9 yob. Please have patience and read this and help me find an answer. My first husband was very abusive and my older boys picked up a lot from him. I did divorce him when they were young, but of course our wonderful system says he has to have visitation. Well, he has went through countless girlfriends, even on his 3rd wife who is 12 years younger than him. He has also been abusive to other women throughout the last 11 years we have been divorced. Back to my older 2 boys, both of them have been through RYDC and boot camp. It was the hardest thing i have ever had to go through...but felt it was necessary. They stay in trouble at school. They steal, they lie, they fight. The oldest one went for trouble at school. The second oldest went for grabbing me. They have both done violence towards me from bear hugs, which either broke or bruised my ribs, to throwing me on the bed and sitting on top of me telling me what all he could do to me. The 15 yob has even done horrible acts to his siblings. My ex-mother-in-law even went so far as to call DFCS on us. They came out and did an investigation. In which they felt the kids were the problem not me and my husband. Well, we took parenting classes. When we would tell of the things that had went on in our household in the past, we were told if they continued they would take the 3 younger children and place them in foster homes because the 2 older ones are too out of control to be placed. Well, that is enough to put a scare into a person....so we tightened up on our rules. This only caused serious rebellion. Their father was never a positive help in anyway with these boys...basically they would receive a pat on the back for their behavior in my home. After my 15 yob did his time in boot camp, he wanted to live with his father. I let him go with the understanding his father was to get custody. Don't misunderstand me, it was a hard decision. I love him so much but I had the others to think about also. Well, he has been with his father for about 9 months...he has done nothing about custody. My 16 yob went to "stay" with them for a couple of months also. He began spending the weekend with his girlfriend and just quit going to school. No one cared...except me. He moved back in with us and now we argue with him every day to work. He chose to become an adult when he quit school. Well, it was brought to my attention that the 15 yob had stolen a vaccuum from one his teachers. Well, this happened on Fri. 5-7. I did not find out about it until until 5-13. I went over spoke to his stepmother whom still had the vaccuum and she said he told them the teacher was throwing it away so he asked for it. His stepmother told me he had not been to school since the incident, she tries to get him to go but he refuses and his father gives him no consequences. Well, they do not have a phone so on 5-14 i went over to their home....there was my son walking the trailer park. His father was supposedly at work and his stepmother was at her mother's. I took him to the school to return the vaccuum. I was treated like the criminal. They do not feel they should tell me anything because he lives with his father even though i still have custody. The viceprinciple let my son talk to him like he was nothing. My son told him that someone had slipped it into his bookbag without his knowledge, taken 2 cd players out of his bookbag, and he had every intention of returning the vaccuum. Then when I asked for a printout of his absences...my son was angered at me. The school and his father let him obtain 26 unexcused absences. I home school my 3 younger children. but now since i have "custody" of this darling child whom my ex has let become very unruly...i will have to deal with truancy charges. What can I do? He has had to go to court since he moved in with his father....Since I had custody I had to be there...his father didn't bother. The judge blessed me out for letting him live with his father but what am I suppose to do? I have Crohn's and the arguing and fighting and honestly being afraid of him was killing me and he knew it. I have not even had a speeding ticket before, I am a good honest Christian. I am so afraid of what is going to happen. His stepmother even told me about him being out at 2 or 3 in the morning and them not knowing where he is at. His stepmother has even told me about telling him one day "one of those women's husbands are gonna catch him and shoot him." He is 15 years old. I have called DFCS in the past on the situation...not as revenge but out of honest concern for my son, his stepmother and the other 2 children.. 7 yob and 3 yog, his stepmother will lie because she is afraid of his father. I remember that feeling. His probation officer told the judge he would keep an eye on him at school...Hello...is 26 days ok? I do not want to be the one to have to "wake" everyone up again!!! I love him....i worry. I was told he and his friends were roaming the trailer park at 3 am this morning....and 5 homes were broken into but the only things they took were money and keys. My sons would steal money out of my purse...(yeah we are probably all guilty of a dollar or 2 in our lifetime) they would take $50 or more at a time. It is all we can do to make it. I can't say he did it...but i received a prank phone call tonight from a teen club here in town. I think he just wanted me to know even though his stepmother and his father had lost their jobs, and he had skipped school all week...he still got to go party! What can I do...Please somebody hellp me..I am so confused...angered....and know the system is not what it is built up to be. His probation officer acts like I am just a bad person because I want him to learn he has to pay for what he does. I do not want to see him go to an adult jail. I do not want to see him have to live on the streets. I especially do not want to have to go identify his body when he isn't so tough anymore...

Legally I don't know what you can do. I'm sure someone will be along soon to give you some "real" options within the law...

Why can't you call his parole officer and have him place him somewhere to get straightened out? If his parole officer won't do anything ...well, if it were me I would go to HIS supervisor...

Good luck...

Your post is incredibly long, so I admit, I skimmed over it. Let me tell you something - grab that little punk by the hair, slam him into a wall, and tell him to shut the f%&# up and listen. Lay down the rules. If he doesn't listen (i.e., tell him to stay in his room, he leaves the house), either beat the living crap out of him, or call the police. Look into getting him listed as a wayward teen. He needs to be placed in a Juvenile Detention Center. I'm sorry, but that's just what needs to be done. He's obviously not recieving the discipline he needs at home. No offense, but the kid sounds like a monster. Had you beat him from the first day he got out of line, I guarantee you he would not do the things he does. It' time to start kicking his a$$ back in line.

n_and said:

Your post is incredibly long, so I admit, I skimmed over it. Let me tell you something - grab that little punk by the hair, slam him into a wall, and tell him to shut the f%&# up and listen. Lay down the rules. If he doesn't listen (i.e., tell him to stay in his room, he leaves the house), either beat the living crap out of him, or call the police. Look into getting him listed as a wayward teen. He needs to be placed in a Juvenile Detention Center. I'm sorry, but that's just what needs to be done. He's obviously not recieving the discipline he needs at home. No offense, but the kid sounds like a monster. Had you beat him from the first day he got out of line, I guarantee you he would not do the things he does. It' time to start kicking his a$$ back in line.

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**A: and that's legal advice?

No. But I knew if I posted someone would read it and offer either legal advice, or correct me if I said something wrong. I don't know what to do, legally, other than look into getting him listed as a wayward teen. Just my thoughts - and you have to admit, HG, a good a$$ kicking would do the kid some good.

Yes, I liked your advice.

words added to meet the 10 word minimum.

My heart goes out to you. Oddly enough I have a similar situation in reverse. My ex wife abused me and the children and all I got was joint legal and physical custody because she had a slick lawyer and somehow my video tapes, cassette tapes, pictures, etc. that I had as evidence mysteriously dissapperaed. Enough of that. My middle daughter went through a similar stage at age 14 and 15. She is now 16. It was very hard but I came down on her like a sldge hammer. Not mean or hateful. I too am a Christian. I gave her tough love. I had her drug screened. I got a court order putting her in counseling. I took her on a tour of the county detention facility. I took her to graves of old friends from my old life before knowing the Lord and showed her what happens. Most of all I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more.
I know it is the hardest thing in the world to be tough on your kids especially if they have already been through hell by the other parent. You want to coddle them and go easy because you feel they have been through enough.
WRONG!!! I was wrong. Not until I got tough did things change. Try and find a tough juvenile officer that can talk plain sense. Have fellow Christians witness to them. Get a prayer circle going. I have the advantage of having a former DEA agent and now sheriff as a best friend. He is also a Christian. Please remember to take care of yourself. You are not to blame. Put them in Gods hands, do what you know needs done and have the faith to accept whatever happens. I was once a rebellious, drug addicted, violent teenager through mid twenties and the best thing that happened to me is my father calling me in his office one time and telling me I basically was not family anymore. Three weeks later I checked into rehab and have now been clean 20 years. Sometimes miracles happen. Sometimes they don't. Please e-mail me if you want. I have to go now, but I can pint you to some resources that may help you. God Bless. My prayers for you.

Offer them a trip to your local hospitals morgue. I know not the legal advie you are looking for but it has scared the witts out of many young teen looking for trouble.

Now legally, you need to get them on PINS. I am not sure if they have it where you live. Its basically where the school has your child on a strict regimine. He goes to school, does his work, doesn't open his mouth unless to anwser questions if he does he gets to take a trip. Also he must come right home right after school and has a parole like man to follow him around. If he messes up at all then he goes to a detention center for youths and he doesn't come out until they feel he's better.

I would check around where you live and see if any programs exist. Short of beating his rear....

Although beating him might temporarily vent your frustrations, it will only result in you having legal problems.

Anyone who thinks a sudden change of venue in reactions to perseverative unruley behavior will suddenly and miraculously "snap him out of it" I think they're deluding them selves. Effectivness of discipline is dependant on being constant, or the one being diciplined will try to manipulate the outcome. Now that the child has learned that most of the family will be submissive to his torment, it will be very difficult to persuade him to "unlearn" this.

It sounds to me like all the family members need counciling. That will (if advice is followed) lead to all the "abused" learning to stand up for them selves, individually, and as a unit, against this miscreant. He needs councilling too, but I doubt he will accept any advice, as he sounds as if he is used to making his own (misguided) decisions and getting his own way to boot, at every one elses expense and chagrin.

If there's a way to put him in another environment, one that will teach him some respect, of others, of rules, etc. then that would be the best immediate solution. Which, by the way, would also give the rest of you time to start working on your selves and start the healing process.

Good Luck, you'll need it.