Child support/Visitation

What is the name of your state? I live in California and recently posted about my child modification and my x being self employed. Well I had asked in my papers for him to pay half of all extra circular activities and his Lawer stated that he should not as it could be a slippery slope...meaning I could enroll them in so many activities that he would have to pay a substanial amount of money.(I am superwoman you know) Anyways, can someone help me with a response to that.
Also, his Lawyer brought up transportation to facilitate visitation, asking that the X drive to my town and pick up are children for his visitation and then when his visitation is over for me to drive to his town to pick them up. Well would't this be an issue of Visitation and not child support modification? Also, his uncle drops them off 80% of the time, not him. Aside from the fact that there is no way I could afford to do that, could I tell the judge how he donates 2.22 to a prisoner everytime someone buys something from him and that he could use that to facilitate transportation?
And last, (sorry guys) if the boys who are 10 and 12 choose not to go with him the weekend he wants them does that make the next weekend his? Or would it still be mine? I have alot of questions regarding this. Recently my kids decided to have a sleep over and didn't want to go to there dads, I will not make them go if they don't want to, but I am worried that he will think that I am making them not go. I feel bad, cause now this weekend one wants to go and the other doesn't but I told him he should. What to do?

Hmmmm.

Well, I don't have much experience in this area because my ex has never been interested in seeing his child but here goes my opinion regarding transportation on visitation days. I think that it should be his sole responsibility to pick them up and bring them back home. I'm just curious. Did he move away or did you? Either way, if he wants to see his kids it shouldn't be an inconvenience for him to do this since you are the one taking care of all their needs during the week.

No, likely a carte blanc to enroll the kiddos in anything, at any price that you wish without needing his input, would be a sticking point for understandable reasons. I see the pricey activities that some of my daughter's peers are enrolled in- ski clubs, museum "camps", private music lessons, private soccor coaching (GEE!) whatever (we certainly cannot afford to enroll her for much of this). One need not be surpermom to fill some of their spare time with rather costly activities. Both parents should have some input in this.

And, if one parent created the distance, that parent, whomever they are, should bear the greater burden in transportation. Another consideration is that you get the advantage of GETTING to have the kids in your daily life a greater amount of the time, so NCPs time to get with their kids is far more limited. That is what we want when we choose to be parents, to see our kids in the morningm tuck them in at night, and share the everyday stuff with our kids. The NCP doesn't get to have that "everyday" relationship. Splitting driving affords the children more opportunity to actually do something with their NCP time.

AS to the "they don't want to go" business, there is none. If they don't want to go, as a parent it is YOUR responsibility to make sure they do. Same as school, church, Grandma's house or anyplace else they might choose to skip going to if they were given the choice. They are kids- we as parents do NOT give them the choice to violate a court order! WE teach them that being a responsible citizen means we FOLLOW the law, not that we get to choose whether we feel like it or not. Kids don't choose.

having it stipulated that he pay half of all activities you choose is as nextwife said, much to broad, i mean it sounds great for YOU, but leaves him without any input, and if you put your shoes on his feet, you might be able to see why his lawyer is not wanting to agree to that one.

splitting transport in half is common and customary in most states, and what you have been offered sounds fair. its exactly what we do in my family, it works out very well for the parent who is wanting the child ( to begin or end visitation) to come all the way to get the kid, that way no one is really kept waiting, except on thier "own turf"

It really should NOT matter who does the transporting, so what if his uncle is doing the driving, you KNOW the uncle and the kid does too, so really its nitpicking, and remember putting restrictions on him also means they get placed on you. There have been times in the 7 years my family has done this that others on both sides had to have someone else do the driving due to scheduling conflicts, lifes alot easier if you don't have to worry about the other parents "approval" of your transport choices.

if it is a COURT ORDERED weekend, children do not get a choice, if the parent is choosing to exercise thier right to visitation. The boys GO period, or you may find yourself facing contempt charges.

re: transportatin/extra cirricular ativities

Considering I have not asked for him to pay all cost of extra cirrcular activitys, but only half. I didn't think it was this big of a deal. But I can see the point several of you have made.

As for the transportation, I don't really agree. He moved away, not me. But I guess we will see what happens when we go to court.

Also, the court order that we have reads as follows:

Child Cutstody and Visitation:
The Petitioner and Respondent will share the Joint Legal custody with the Petitioner having sole physical care, custody and control of the minor child/children of the parties, subject to the right of visitiation to Respondent, which is defined as follows: reasonbale, specific dates and times as mutually agreed upon by both parites.

so I really don't think that I am doing anything wrong when my boys are at the age that they can express rather or not they want to go with him and I tell them its your choice. Child support and Child custody issues are just what they are regarding the child and I feel that they should have some say in these issues.

Im not really sure about how to make sure the other parent understands its not me, but If I could I would make sure he knew that. In fact 90% of the time visitation has never been an issue for us, usually he cancels on his weekends because of various reasons.

Thank you for all your comments I am glad I found this site and feel that having more than my point of view can benefit me greatly as a parent.

D

Ok you currently have "reasonable visitation" which does mean that you do have a little leniency regarding weekends BUT, if you deny his requests too many times he can STILL take you to court for contempt, for denial of reasonable visitation and request SET visitation. Than you would no longer have the choice. (if he were really smart he would do this anyway to avoid this exact situation from happening)

Seriously, children should really not be allowed to make a weighty decision such as this when there are no dangers involved to the child other than change of thier normal routine....

What this entire thread boils down to is will adults act like adults and children be allowed to act like children?

And the answer is, in Divorce, that rarely happens.

So, GET THE SPECIFICS SPELLED OUT!

Good grief. Why do they even ALLOW court ordered visiation agreements that simply say "reasonable"? Why not child support orders that simply say "reasonable" then? WE all know "reasonable" is in the eye of the beholder.

I'm going to put in my two cents and agree with everyone else. Even though you have leniency with your visitation order, I don't think it's advisible to not send him with out a valid reason. Because he doesn't want to is not a valid reason. No matter who really wants or who you make know that, it makes you look bad in the court. If he is the one that moved away then he should be primarily responsible for transportation but I don't think it would hurt to give a little here. His time is limited anyway and driving is going to take away from what little time he has. If he always cancels a lot anyway, it's not that much for you and makes you look better in courts eyes. As for the extracurricular activities. I think you are asking for too much. It is too much of an unknown for him. Instead of a 50.00 baseball bat that would do, would you buy a 100.00 one just because it costs you the same? How much would you enroll him in? It's not fair for him to have half the burden with none of the choices. To make it fair also include that this would be for activities approved by both of you or one activity per season or some other kind of limit on it.

Worst mistake my husband ever made was agreeing to "reasonable rights of visitation" and trusting his ex to be reasonable. She had the "I'm not going to make my baby do anything she doesn't want to do" thing going on, too. Even tried to make him feel guilty about pushing for visitation--told him "you don't want to force her to do something that makes her unhappy or uncomfortable, DO YOU?" Live and learn....if he and I ever divorce I'll never get away with that. Not that I would try.

How far away dis Dad actually move? That's sort of an important detail.

As for activities... If he's expected to pony up for a portion of their activities, he should be given the opportunity to help decide what they're involved in - ESPECIALLY if those activities should in any conceivable way interfere with his visitation time.

And, no - children do not get to decide. If DAD is okay with allowing them to skip a weekend, then that's one thing. But to pull out the "reasonable" thing every time they want to do something else - nope. As the others said - if it happens too often, expect to find yourself in court for a modification to the order. Children don't choose.

Thank You

I have been reading all of these replys and I cannot thank all of you enough. I did not see both sides untill now. I also have talked to his Lawyer and we are in agreement that any extra ciricular activitys will be agreed upon first and then we will both pay for half.

As for transportation to facilitate visitation, I am working on something to make it where it won't be an all the time thing, maybe every other visit, or even instead of me driving all the way to his home town meeting him half-ways.

As for the children and their choices, I agree with all of you, and feel that yes I could be putting myself at risk for contempt of court and I do not want that. So I know that it would be smarter to try to talk to the X about this situation, and that will be something we discuss when we do meet with the lawyer.

I am hoping that by me trying to be understanding and reasonable (theres that word again) that maybe, just maybe he will see that I am not out to get him. And maybe we can handle this the way we should as two parents who care about are children.

Thank You
D

Hats off to you for trying! If you and he can come to a civil agreement that works for both of you, the winners are going to be those kids!