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Does Reason for Divorce Matter If

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nextwife

Senior Member
Standing to do what? Evict them? Charge them rent? What family, spouses child, or his second cousin Louie?
 

LilSty

Member
Standing to say No and have any standing to not allow that to happen. I don't know if I would use evict them, but I would say if you marry someone and then wake up the next day to a house full of relatives, what do you do?
 

nextwife

Senior Member
How about talking to your spouse? That's what couples do. I had my husband's mom live with us for a few months between moving to our state and her new place being ready. She raised my husband, he wouldn't be the wonderful husband he is without her, why shouldn't I? But we discussed it and agreed.

Perhaps you can both agreee to a thirty day limit or so for the cousins. But you need to communicate with each other. Mom is one thing, a whole additional family is another altogether. Either way, you must work this out with your spouse. Perhaps if you and she agree to charge them rent, they will move on.
 

LilSty

Member
We've talked and the expectation is unlimited, so to speak.

I guess that is the serious question. How do you get the message across that, as you stated, more than 30 days is too much.

As far as here mother, the issue there is dependency level. Her mother is exremely dependent on her and would be a huge strain on the marriage.

What words or actions can you take on my part to make it understood that any permanent moves like that would not be good for the marriage?

Some of it is just a letting go thing that has been there. To give you an idea, over 600 minutes a month in long distance calls to her mother.

Is that excessive? Don't really know what the norm would be there?
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Could you and she find mom a place nearby? For a time, my MIL lived about 2 miles away in an apartment near coffee shops and shopping, and we'd pick her up each weekend and have her stay overnight here. During the week she did her own thing, including taking the bus to the malls and so on. And she was 85 at the time. How old is MIL? MY mom is 74 and has a condo about two miles west, but she stops by often.

If very dependent, an assisted living facility? Mom would have others there to engage in activities and yet they check each in am and pm to make certain they are OK.

Don't know cousin's story. None of my MANY (I have 24 first cousins) cousins would even for a minute think of moving their families in on any of us.
 
T

truly

Guest
Advice from an almost divorced now reunited and it feels soooo good woman. Marriage is a serious and sacred bond...nowhere in your vows did your pastor, rabbi, reverend or justice of the peace say it was an easy bond to maintain. In-Laws are a difficult subject to broach, I KNOW, but if you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself for the sake of peace right now, those feelings will soon turn(if not already) to anger, rage and resentment. Talk to your wife, calmly and privately. This is not a discussion for the dinner table, with mother-in-law and cousins itching to get their two-cents in on why they should be allowed to live with you. Communication is key, even if you think she already knows how you feel, express it to her. Take a stand, but don't be so rigid you come across as my-way-or-the-highway, wrong approach!
By the way, 600 minutes a month boils down to 10 hours a month, 2.5 hours per week, 20 minutes a day...look on the bright side, no more long distance charges :D
 

LilSty

Member
nextwife,
MIL is in her 50's and has limited mobility.

Just a tough, tough situation for newlyweds to deal with. I am kind of independant person who would agree with a situation such as the one you describe for an elderly parent or in-law but looking at one with a situation that would mean having a live in for an entire marriage is why this is such a difficult scenario.

truly, As I said, I don't really know what is normal anymore. I do know that it feels at times like I am married but alone. At any given moment when we are together, a phone call from family comes in. It seems to me to be about working with a spouse to let go a little. And, more importantly, the spouses family. What is so interesting to watch the family members who are married and how their spouses handle it. When we are visiting, I do notice that their spouses do not come around and in some way, while everyone in the family is disappointed, I kind of understand why? It's just something that has to work itself out.

I started with my original question just fearful that it would be forced on me without any compromise on my wife's part and that if that turned out to be the case, if there was anything I could do about it if I could not adjust. I am not looking to be divorced, just hoping that if it did reach the scenario of people just moving in, I would have something to bring up that would allow my spouse to understand the serousness of the situation.

thanks
 
T

truly

Guest
Letting Go

I feel for you, truly I do. When you take people that are very different, your independance vs. her dependance on and family's dependance on her it is a hard situation to cope with. Remember this, when you pledged your lives to each other, the promise only included the two of you. Not to isolate her from her family and friends or you from yours, but the two of you working towards a common goal, together. Here are some words to go by, "never let anyone love your husband more than you love him, never let anyone respect your husband more than you respect him, never let anyone compliment your husband more than you do, never let anyone value your husband more than you value him. Be his biggest cheerleader." That was from my grandmother on my wedding day. Don't lose sight of the goal. Good Luck!
 

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