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dead beat dad

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marla1971

Guest
What is the name of your state?:confused: My name is Marla. I am a single parent of 4 young children. My children and I reside in Carteret NJ. I am writing to you today to inform you of a very large problem in your state. My ex husband and the father of my 4 children migrated to Florida after our separation in 2000. I went to court and was given custody of my children and awarded child support. The child support order is for $331.00 per week. The case number in NJ is CS53109700A. The order was sent down to Florida to be executed. Originally I was informed that Florida would require my ex to keep up with the child support or there would be consequences. On the Florida child support enforcement web site there are penalties listed that include license suspension and so forth. As of June 30, today my ex husband is in arrears $28,986.53. The last payment I received was on June15 in the amount of $73.00. I call child support enforcement only to be told that as long as he makes any sort of payment they will not enforce any sort of punishment. I recently rcieved a note from my ex informing me that his unemployment had run out and that I would not be receiving any more child support until such time that he became employed again.

I work part time and up until May I was a full time nursing student. The way things are going I will be unable to return to school in September. I want my children to have everything that they need. I want to be able to get a better job so that we don't have to struggle.

Between my ex husband's lack of caring and your states lack of need to enforce child support orders from other states, my children and I continue to struggle to make ends meet. What I am asking is not just for me but for all the other single parents whose support payments are hiding behind the sunshine in your state. I would like you to take measures to enforce the child support orders. Florida claims to work with other states to enforce these orders. These orders are not being enforced to the extent of the law. My ex husband has been making payments as he sees or rather saw fit. If the order had been enforced the arrears would not have gotten this far out of control. I would like to have half the fun my ex is having. Since the separation he has been on a cruise, flown to Las Vegas, done Disney, visited Miami, and sat in his season tickets at the TB Bucs games. He flies up to NJ once or twice a year to spend time with "his children." He has the money for all of that stuff, not to mention that he has tickets to the Shania Twain concert July 9 at St Pete. Where is the money that the children need. Last time I asked him to help me out financially he at first laughed at me, and then told me that I should ask my boyfriend for the money. My boyfriend is not my children's father and he has his own responsibilities.

My ex husband resides in Tampa Fl

I hope that at least you will look into this matter. If these orders are better enforced many children will grow up having everything that they need and not having to watch their custodial parent struggle.

I thank you for your time and hope to hear soon what measures might be taken to remedy this problem.

Thank You

Marla
This is the letter that I emailed to the great govenor of Florida. I recieved in response an automated note telling me basically that he is too busy to worry about such meager issues. I wanted to have my ex arrested the next time he is in town. I was told that was impossible. No warrant will be issued in NJ because he is not a resident of the state. If anyone has any ideas I am willing to try almost anything at this point. I can not allow my children to suffer because their father is a selfish pig!!!!!!
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I'm sure the automated response said nothing of the sort, but more along the lines of "thank you for your email, blah blah blah." What did you expect? That FL officials are sitting at the computer reading your email and will run right out to take care of your problem? Girl - they likely have entry level people reading and sorting them, then passing them along to whatever agency they think it might belong to, where it will sit in a pile with all the others until someone maybe has a chance to look at it. It's rather unrealistic (not to say naive) to think you'd get an instantaneous response.
 

VeronicaGia

Senior Member
So you think you should be able to be a full time student or only work part time but he should work full time and be the sole supporter of the kids? Sorry, get a full time job and do your share of the financial supporting of the kids, then come back and claim he's the only deadbeat in the family.
 
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marla1971

Guest
In response to VeronicaGia: Who do you think you are??? Obviouslly you are not all as smart as you would like the world to think!!! I am or rather was a full time college student so that I can provide my children with a better life. If I could make enough money to support them without a degree that would be just fine to me! I can't, so ultimatley my going to school will allow me to tell the deadbeat to go scratch. I am not a deadbeat...I work like a dog to let my kids have everything they need. So obviously you think it is OK that he, the dead beat is partying while his children have to wait to see if we have enough to do what they want...
 

VeronicaGia

Senior Member
marla1971 said:
In response to VeronicaGia: Who do you think you are??? Obviouslly you are not all as smart as you would like the world to think!!! I am or rather was a full time college student so that I can provide my children with a better life. If I could make enough money to support them without a degree that would be just fine to me! I can't, so ultimatley my going to school will allow me to tell the deadbeat to go scratch. I am not a deadbeat...I work like a dog to let my kids have everything they need. So obviously you think it is OK that he, the dead beat is partying while his children have to wait to see if we have enough to do what they want...
Who do I think I am? I'm the voice of reason. You think it's ok to make him pay his full share of support will you only provide a partial share, if a share at all. The kids need to eat now, not once you finally graduate from college. He is not 100% responsible for the financial support of those kids, you are responsible too. You're calling him a deadbeat yet you are one also.

Exactly when do you think you'll finally start "being able to provide the kids with a better life?" Maybe then, he'll decide to do the same.

File a contempt of court action against the guy. And when he wants to impute income to you based on what you could be making if you were actually working full time, don't cry about it here.
 
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marla1971

Guest
voice of reason my....

If you were aware of the whole situation, which you are not, then maybe your opinion would mean something... My part time job pays the rent, buys food and pays for day care and provides the children with health insurance..he is supposed to share these costs, which he feels is an injustice to him. I posted my letter looking for some constructive advice. If I wanted to be critisized I would have called my mother. Didn't your mother ever tell you that if you don't have anything nice to say you shouldn't say anything at all. Maybe you should heed that advice. I pay for everything and he parties like he never had any children........fair ain't it.!!!!!
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
However, you didn't call your mother and posted to a public board instead. So all comments are fair game. And ya know - people can only comment based on the information YOU provided. Noone here reads minds, so don't get all pissy - you provided the info you felt was most important. First impressions are rather forceful.
 

HomeGuru

Senior Member
stealth2 said:
However, you didn't call your mother and posted to a public board instead. So all comments are fair game. And ya know - people can only comment based on the information YOU provided. Noone here reads minds, so don't get all pissy - you provided the info you felt was most important. First impressions are rather forceful.
**A: Yes, noone here reads minds, even at noon.
 
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DewAndCey

Guest
Ok here is my 3 cents plus personal experience. I am in Indiana , my husband has a daughter from his first marriage that we pay support on. We have been doing this for about 7 1/2 years now and I personally cannot wait until the day we no longer have to pay this.

WHY ?? Because we are scrutinized every turn of the way. The ex in this situation is the one with sole custody , gets support and so on. As she argued and fought for so she won it. She did not want my husband having any rights to his daughter , didn't and still does not want him to have any say so in her life. Has made it nearly impossible for him to bond with her and so on.

She gets x amount a month in child support , she gets the hefty checks come tax time , plus our tax return as well. She until recently refused to work. Up until her current husband was fired and is now unemployed going on over a year. So now she has to work a part time job , and is expecting us to pay for it.

She has a child from this marriage and one from her and my husband is all. And my husband and I cannot have children due to infertility issues. So it is not like my husband has moved on , had more kids and forgotten his responsibilities from his first marriage.

This is where I have to argue ANY parent who throws this up. I hear all the time that the child support goes to pay rent and utilities. How wrong is that ? I mean come on people - GROW UP !! You would have to have a place to live regardless of whether or not you had children PERIOD ? So stop whining already. So are you saying that you would not have electricity if you did not have kids ? And I suppose just because you have a child or children you had to turn the water on too ? Otherwise you wouldn't have to have it right ??

It is pathetic that grown men and women who have custody of their kids "charge" them rent !! Do you give them rent receipts too ?

Here is an old addage I have found to be more than truth. "Do not lay down and have children , UNLESS you can care for them on your own".

Ultimately you chose the deadbeat , as you laid down more than once with him. Sometimes you get what you get. And it is a sad shame that the kids have to be the ones to pay for it.

As for your ex not paying and getting to go on trips and so on. How about this one ? My husband is the "absent" , "non-custodial" and to his ex the "deadbeat" parent. He pays whether we have food on our table or not. WHY ? Because the courthouse says too. We go without medical care , food , trips and so on. So that this obligation is paid.

We do not take trips , we rent a 2 bdrm. apt. , basic cable , one vehicle , hell for that matter we never even got to take a honeymoon ! All because his ex was a righteous - well you get the point. BUT that hasn't stopped her from going on trips to amusement parks , weekends on a house boat and so on.

They have three licensed and registered vehicles , a $75,000 home (3 bdrm. 2 bath) , with satellite hookups , pool , you name it. Yet , she whines they cannot make it. Well get a better job , she is trained in the dental field and refuses to work in it. So she serves up gas at a local gas station part time. While her current husband lies about the place not earning a dime. Well other than from his side business dealing drugs....

We used to buy his daughter clothing 4-6 times a year. We have since stopped that. WHY ?? Because the ex holds rummage sales and sells them as well as on eBay. Why send her something she can profit off of when it was intended for the kid to begin with ? She claims that she doesn't need clothes and that is why she sells them . Yet , she gripes to everyone behind our backs and says that he is a deadbeat because he don't do more.

For the record we still live in the same town that his divorce was granted in , as well as the CS was ordered. She was the one that moved from here. And whines about visitations and so on.She moved and expects us to travel both ways and so on. She has even charged us gas money to bring her here. BUT she was the one that moved !

Her parents still live here as does her husbands family. Yet , they come here to our town to visit them. And does not allow his daughter to come here to see him when they are in town. Or even let her call here. Yet , when it comes down to it , there is nothing we can do . You see my husband is labeled the absent parent.

So we are counting down the years to where we do not have to deal with the ex. $$ wise as well as conversation wise etc.

My advice to the OP is this. Be thankful that you have 4 children to love and nurture. To see grow , to share things with as well as love. Be glad that 4 little people call you mommy. Be appreciative of what you have and less hateful for what you do not have material wise. Be thankful for the time you spend with them , be wise and spend it to the best of your ability. Stop looking to play the blame game for their upbringing and care. And start living your life for what you have and for the future that you have with them.

I cannot tell you what I would do to have just one child. But I can tell you this. Because of my husbands child from the previous marriage , the child support that is paid etc. We cannot afford the infertility treatments that my doctor has suggested. Do you think that his ex-wife is symphathetic about any of this ? NO , she wants and wants and that is all that can be said about her.

She never has anything nice to say about my husband. But that is ok , as she puts my husband down. She also puts herself down too. As she is the one that chose to marry him and have his child. She chose who the father of her child is just as most others do as well. Can you really blame that all on your ex ? It does take two . I could go on , but I will spare you the rest...

Other than , be grateful for what you have. I know I and many others would love to be a parent. We have been denied for health reasons. And expensive non-guaranteed treatments are not an option for us.

So all I can say is this. Do what you have to do to get by. It seems as if you and your kids are better off without him anyhow. And remember everytime that you are mad at him for leaving and not taking care of them. Shoulder a little of that blame yourself. Because it was your choice to marry and to have children , not theirs.

A real parent would do anything that they could do to provide for their child(ren). Even if it means working 2 and 3 jobs just to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

People need to stop thinking of $$ signs , tax deductions and CS payments when it comes to their children. Believe me , this wife of a NCP can assure you. That not all NCP's have it easy and not all of us live in luxury. BECAUSE of the fact that he does have a child with his 1st wife. We go without food , fun and happiness. It is not fair , it is not right , but that is how this NCP and his wife live. At least for the next decade that is...

Also think of it this way. When a parent is down and out. They have options of welfare , food stamps , rent assistance and so on. My husband and I do not have these options. If we cannot buy food , we go without. Because of the size of our home. Two people homes are not considered important when there are not any kids involved. We cannot get Government assistance with housing , if we lose our place for not being able to pay. We are just out on the streets , hoping to find a place. As to where someone with kids always can find a place be it in a shelter , apartments that are subsidized etc. Foodstamps and persons with kids can sometimes mean more food in one week , than we can afford for a whole month.

Example our allotment for groceries in a month is $120. Well that is for 2 people so that is about alright don't leave much for extras though. But with 2 kids we could get about $480 a month..There is not any WIC and so on here either to help save with milk , eggs and so on. Alone WIC can save parents hundreds of dollars a month... In my situation without being able to have children , I do not have a safety net to fall on etc. Only a courthouse with their hand out because of his ex wife.

Please don't think I am coming down hard on you.. Just trying to point out that you should be a little more gracious for what you do have . And that with all the time you waste contacting persons pertaining to your ex , running him down etc. Is time that could be well spent with your kids making lasting memories.
 
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marla1971

Guest
Dew -
I never said that I didn't appreciate my children. They are the light of my life. I do every thing for them. My ex picked up his toys and moved to Fla after we separated. He had told me that he would stay local to be able to see the children, he was lying, he knew that he was going back to Florida to be with a woman he met on the net. I have in the past asked him to grow up and be father to his children. He told me that he wouldn't be happy if I made him come back to NJ. He suggests that I give up my life, job, family, friends and school and I move the children to Florida. I refuse to do this. I will not give up everything to be at his mercy in a place where I have no one and no job. The truth be known, if he had stayed in NJ and shared the responsibilities for the children then maybe child support would not be such an issue. As far as not having a place if I didn't have the children. I would be able to rent a small apt and work more hours. As far as working goes I do, and at this point I owe more in child care expenses than I will even get on my tax return (thank goodness that the centers owner is sympathetic) The day care center is only open so many hours in the day. Friends and family all have their own obligations. I already ask them to watch the kids so that I can go to school. As far as my going to school, this was attempted while I was married to the kids father. Unfortunatly for me he did not show his true colors until after we were married. We had talked about my going to school, getting a job. He made this impossible he was controlling and abusive. I did what he wanted or I paid the price. I was stuck and ufortunatly didn't think that I was strong enough to escape his grasp. I found the strength and left when my daughter was 10 mos old. I work very hard to give my children everything they need, but they need their mom to be home with them sometimes too. I am looking for a job with more hours. I am saddened by this because that just means I will have less time for them. That means that someone else will have to do homework, and make dinner, and read bed time stories....because ultimatley the man who purposly wanted all of these children can neither now financially, emotionally, or physially support these children. So tell me now what am I supposed to do, I want to be the one to raise my children, but because of my bad choices in life, that joy is passed on to someone else. Someone who I recently found out never bothered to learn their names, beacause there are too many of them. Lucky for the children, she no longer works at the daycare.
As for your situation I am sorry about the issues that you face. Lest we not forget that your husband also chose that woman. Remember we all make choices and not all of them are smart ones.
 
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Gonwin

Guest
Marla...

I admire you for being a loving mother, for going to school, and for working hard to support your children. It seems you are doing everything possible to keep things afloat and it's got to be really hard. You are doing an amazing job with little to no emotional or financial support. I give you a lot of credit!!! I also understand your frustration, sadness, and anger with the fact that your X has basically abandoned the children. It isn't fair and they deserve much better then he is able (or wants) to give. I hope things change for the better very soon. I wish you the best... :)
 

Fl Cat7

Member
Well Well Well. I won't get in to the bashing, but I live in St. Pete and know the system here all to well. 1. CSE here is SLOW but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. My ex could write a book on all the ways to avoid paying support. You would not believe some of the things I have put up with. Once he went to court with a photo copy of my baptism record with the date altered and said that I lied about my age when we were married there for the marriage was not valid so the divorce was not valid so the child support order was not vaild and he did not owe me anything! Last year after not paying for over 8 months and asking to have his support reduced, he was arrested with over 4 1/2 POUNDS of GOLD kuggrands he had been hiding in his gas tank. By sheer luck because he had not made a payment in over 8 months there was a court date that very week, even so with out the help of the St. Pete police and my calling and e-mailing everyone from the govenor down to my congressman, I would never have seen one dime. He quit paying again and I am hoping for a court date by Oct.
AS SOON AS HE IS 31 DAYS BEHIND. call CSE and tell them you want them to start contempt procedings. Call EVERY WEEK even if they say call back in a month or two. They used to tell me to call back in 6 months. Be polite, if you get a jerk just hang up and call back.(There are not as many as there used to be) You can get them moving if you keep at it. The number here (Pinellas county) is 1-800-622-5437 (I have it memorized) First they will send him a letter (30 days), then another letter saying they will suspend his DL (in 30 days) then after he loses his DL they wait about 30days to see if that does anything. Then they have the post office check his address (another 30 days). Each action also takes 2 to 3 weeks in between. Then a court date will be set about 7-12 weeks later. Most times this will get results, although in my case it only last about 2 months, if that. I can give you more details on the system here if you like but that is about the size of it. I thankfully have a 2nd husband that is willing to pick up the slack for my children and I have become VERY resourceful but it will never be easy. Good Luck to you.
 
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marla1971

Guest
Fl cat 7-
Thank You for the help!!! I do call tampa cse they inform me each and every time that I need to have NJcse call them and then maybe something can be done. I will continue to call and will not rest until the cse sees the error in their ways. It is unfortunate that in the past almost 4 years tampa has only called him into court once. At this point I am being told that if no payment is made by July 29 then maybe they will send him a reminder notice. My only question is can the children wear the notice, or am I supposed to cook it for dinner?? :D
 
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marla1971

Guest
Gonwin-
Thank You for your support and encouragement. Best of luck to you in whatever endeavors you pursue.
Marla
 
Marla, I too am a single parent of two children. My situation is this.... My ex and I divorced 3 years ago and child support for our daughter was set up. In the 3 years we have been divorced, he has gotten a better job, gotten remarried twice and I have NEVER asked for more support than what was originally set up. I provide medical and dental insurance for both of my children, and I work 40+ hours a week to take care of both of my kids. I could have gone back to CPS and asked for his income to be reviewed and CS to be reviewed, but I have taken off enough time to go back to court as it is and I am tired of arguing with my ex. I dont get child support for my son, and I will never ask for support for him. His "sperm donor" denied that my son was his 12 years ago, and I have not heard from the jerk since. I dont care to pursue that issue, so I fully support my oldest with no help from child support at all.
My ex and his new wife had enough nerve to ask me why I still live with my folks and why I dont buy a house or rent an apartment. My ex's new wife had enough nerve to tell me how she worked last year and rented a $1200 a month apt for her three kids and made a car payment. Well isnt that nice for her??! None of their business why I live with my folks at all, nor is it their business why I havent bought a house. Could it be that I cannot afford to rent a $1200 a month apt. or pay a mortgage??? I told her that I am not going to answer their question and maybe if I had 3 kids and got the child support she claims to receive every month that I could live in luxury like she was! She didnt like that remark, but Im sorry, I dont owe her or my ex an explanation. My kids live in a wonderful home and my folks are generous enough to let me live there until I can afford to move out. I pay my folks rent and I pay our bills. I have not remarried since my ex and I got divorced, and I am not going to ask my boyfriend to support me either.
As far as going to nursing school, believe me, I would love to go back to school and become a nurse. But, I cannot afford it nor do I have the time to go back right now. There is a nursing shortage in this country folks, and why shouldnt someone want to better their income by getting a degree??
Good luck to u Marla. Be thankful for those beautiful kids and someday, somehow your ex will have to pay back the arrears he owes.
 
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