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Dad's Always get Dinged

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Clod

Junior Member
What is the name of your state? Colorado

I've read stories about divorced fathers discovering after many years that a child is NOT biologically theirs. He is still ordered to pay child support because he presented himself as the father, despite the fact that he was hoodwinked.

ON THE OTHER HAND

A man, (in this case, my husband) who:
1. never married the mother
2. never told the child was his (despite regular contact from mother all these years) AND
3. never presented himself as the father

CAN BE hit for back support (that was never ordered before).

In 2003 we received a summons (filed 2 months before the statute expired for the child to collect) for 19 years of back support. Unfortunately, DNA was a 99.9 match. To our knowledge, the mother never opened a case with CSE, but did collect welfare.

Seems like no matter which scenario, the man takes the hit:
A. he is not the father, but thinks he is OR
B. he is unaware he is the father & never informed otherwise

Any one with words of wisdom or knowledge of similar cases? Colorado law is tough, but in this situation it certainly appears premeditated (no chance for my husband to assist with raising the child......and NOW 21 years later -- all about the money). Any advice is greatly appreciated -- and thank you for letting me vent.

To say the least I have very mixed feelings about my husband's child at this moment.....yet he's been a GREAT stepfather to my child (and I was never able to collect child support).

Thank you.

Clod
 


stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Well here's a question that will likely be unpopular (but know that I DO sympathize with his situation). He obviously knew that he had a sexual relationship with this woman. He also obviously knew that she had a child within a timespan when it would be reasonable to assume that there was a possibility that he was the father. Did it ever occur to *him* to ask her in all those years of regular contact whether it could possibly be his child? Or did he just figure that she'd tell him and if she hadn't said anything, he wouldn't worry about it? 'Cause it's not as though they had a fling and he never saw her again. So, what on earth was he thinking?

As for back support.... since she received welfare, the state wants their money back. Now that they know who the father is, that's who they're looking to.

As for the "child".... why take out what the mother did/didn't do on him/her?
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Sorry Stealth, but I disagree. The mom should have been REQUIRED to pony up the name of the father AT THE TIME she applied for benefits, if the state expected to hold him financially liable! That's ridiciulous, it's like extending her (mom) credit under someone elses account but not billing them for over a decade. Should be: NO father named, no benefits. Not wait until the kid's 19.

And just because a woman has sex and has a child, does not mean the child is his. Her failing to mention the possibility would imply that she did know who the father was and didn't condider this guy to be the one. As he never heard boo about it, why SHOULDN'T he assume they knew who the father was?

A man should have the same RIGHT to know IF he has a child and has the financial responsibilty for that child that the woman does- so he can plan his life and obligations accordingly. WE, for example, only have one child at home(and grown kids between us). We could ONLY have afforded to assume the responsibilty for a special needs child and the cash outlay to adopt her because there was limited CS years ahead because of DHs kids being in college. What if we had adopted siblings and spent the small fortune it would take to do that only to AFTER be told to come up with 19 years of CS? If mom knows, she should be obligated to tell dad IF dad is expected to be financially responsible. If she fails to do so, she should be waiving her rights to monetary benefit from him for before, just as she was waiving his right to choose to be a father by hiding the truth from him..
 
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stealth2

Under the Radar Member
I don't disagree that she should have had to pony up the name from the get-go, but there really aren't enough details to know what the scoop really is.

I'm just curious why it never occured to Dad that the kid might be his.
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Who knows? Maybe he was using a condom, maybe she told him she was on the pill.

Maybe, like Elaine on Seinfeld, she used the sponge!
 

Clod

Junior Member
Ok -- I wasn't trying to withhold information, I just trying to minimize my ramblings.

Hubby & this woman had a relationship. It started to fade while they were living in a large house w/others. She decided she was getting old & wanted a child. Hubby said no, not ready. She insisted -- said no worries, don't want a husband or father -- you don't need to assume any responsibility. REMEMBER -- we're talking 20-something when we are all somewhat imbecilic. Personally, I’ve got a long list of not-so-smart decisions made in my 20's...ah...and 30's...and into my 40's....oh well....ANYWAY,

Mother was openly & frequently sleeping with others. Hubby was pretty sure (ok, “hopeful”) the child wasn’t his. She was essentially just looking for a donor… or so she said. YES, my husband should have “got a clue” when she suggested she wanted a child. She was using a diaphragm for birth control so who she used it with was her choice.

After the birth of child she was married for a while. Even then she was on welfare & in steady contact with my husband. I’m sure because I've answered the phone when she called. We thought they were friends. She claimed to be fond of my husband (this came in an email). I guess she was just keeping tabs on his whereabouts for “future reference.” They've not seen each other since the year the child was born.

NOTE: My husband told me about this possibility before we married. Since the mother had told him several times over the years she was on welfare, AND he never heard from the States where she collected, he assumed he must not be the father. PLUS, it may sound lame, my husband told me when he first related this to me that he had an agreement with this person and planned to keep his word.

Wild, isn’t it?!?!? Part of me wants to spit on them (rather immature, aren’t I?) but as a former single parent with a SERIOUS (often incarcerated) dead beat x-hubby, I really feel for the kid.

Thanks – any thoughts are VERY appreciated.

Clod
 

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
Your husband needs a serious thump on the head - I'm betting you've given it to him.

I'm afraid he may well be in deep sh*t when it comes to the support, tho. :(
 

Clod

Junior Member
Stealth 2
Yep, he got a couple thumps (remember, though he was honest with me)...but long before this happened, at 19 I married (older guy), had a baby, divorced, & then EX in jail for robbery. Sooo...no support for me and I tried. I didn't go on welfare though, I got a job(s) and now very proud of my college graduate daughter. Sorry -- had to ring my bell just a bit.

ANYWAY, I hope the judge sees this for the money scheme that it is. If this child had approached us in a different way, I would have insisted on making her part of our lives. I still wish that could happen (it's the stupid "chick" part of me!).

Thank you. It is therapeutic for me to ramble at your expense.....
 

nextwife

Senior Member
Remember the Big Chill, where the female friend-since-college wanted a baby and just wanted one of her guy friends to be a donor- no obligations. Yeah right. They donate and get took.

My sis is planning a pregnancy (she is a multi-degreed ivy-league academic, so welfare is not a potential issue) but she's not gonna take advantage of some guy for simply offering sperm so she can get to be a mom on HER schedule. She's using a sperm bank.
 

Clod

Junior Member
nextwife

Yep, definitely a scene from The Big Chill; EXCEPT we don't quite have Kevin Kline's income. It's a lesson learned. We're just "regular folks," but this kind of thing happens all the time to prominent sports figures, etc. with sizeable incomes. Since this started, I've read some unbelieveable stories; but the mother's don't wait until the child is an adult to seek support.

Hope your sister's pregnancy goes smoothly, "Auntie Nextwife."

Clod
 

BL

Senior Member
My Son was taken to Court After twins turned 8 yrs. old . DNA confirmed it .
He was ordered to pay . He did turn around and get Custody .
( her as unfit mother ).

As the say Ignorance of the Law is no excuse.

I do not think it right though, when the mothers go on Welfare , If they don't disclose who the father is or might be, then yrs. later The State come after him.especially if he don't even know if he's the father.

But as someone said, The State wants their money.

I would consult a Lawyer at least to see If anything could be done , to minimize the amount .
 

Clod

Junior Member
Blonde Lebinese

Regarding the State getting reimbursed for the welfare paid to the mother, once the child turns 21 it is too late. They really planned this well. At 21 it's too late to have the court order support. The child was 20 years and 10 months old when they filed. This was too late for the State to get involved AND obviously too late my husband to be any sort of parent to his child. I'm not saying that may never happen as an adult; frankly I hope it does some day.

Nonetheless, pretty darn clever.

Thanks for sharing about your grandchildren. I'm sure they are a joy.

Clod
 

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