dead beat MOM has THIS MOM FUMING

When my stepdaughter was 4, her mom and dad divorced. Dad got temporary total custody after sexual abuse was suspected from moms boyfriend. Mom repeatedly broke court order to keep child away from the man but....Dad gave her another chance and split custody 50/50 with her. And I mean 50/50. Dad had her one week, mom the next. Dad also agreed to pay child support cause he just wanted to take care of his child. After a few months mom took off with new husband and went on the road, abadoning 4 year old. Whenever she would show up and call, Dad would take child to her and go get her. He listened to childs sobbing at night for mom, wiped away her tears and just kept telling her mom loved her. He never once asked mom for child support, he alone took care of his daughter and jumped every time mom came back to town and demanded to see the child. In two years she saw her a total of 76 days. Every once in a while she would come back, state she was off the road and staying. Wanted child support and oh yeah, wanted the child for her every other week. After about 2 to 3 weeks she would take off again without a word to anyone leaving a devistated child behind. Then in Feburary of this year mom comes back and once again states she is off road, I guess her one year old was just too much to handle out on the road all the time (POOR KID). Well to give mom credit she has stayed home all this time. Anyway, she made two requests in this order. MONEY and the child. Because he wanted his daughter to be happy, dad let her go to mom for the summer for trial basis to see how things went and if her severe emotional problems got any better. (Like wetting her pants, compulsive lying, manipulating, and violence....child 7 now). He told the mom IF things went ok and child was going to stay there THEN he would start paying child support well....mom didnt like that so she went to child support services to enforce payment from DEAD BEAT DAD, telling them she had total custody of child and he refused to pay child support (even though we have given her groceries and he has given her money) also telling them child has no medical insurance which she does have. She is also signing his name at doctores offices claiming the child lives with him and he is responsible for all medical bills.
I AM OUTRAGED as a women, a mother of 2 and a christian. I myself truly feel sorry for this mom and have stood along side my husband in doing everything we could to keep all doors open for her to return and have a relationship with her child. I do not understand how a mother could abandon her baby like that for over 2 years. I still wait everyday for her to leave again and I shudder to think what it will do to that little girl if her mom abandons her again. Ok I am venting here...sorry. Anyway, it seems all government agencies are on her side and see the dad as being an absent, dead beat dad because he isnt paying full child support. I have been told by everyone I have talked to that normally when there is joint custody with whoever has the child at the time being primary custodian then there is no child support....does anyone know anything about that?
It is my understanding dad offered support for 2 reasons. He wanted to take care of his child and....it was the only way mom would agree to sign papers which she admitted in them to breaking court order and can not take child out of county without dads permission and isnt allowed to have a male overnight (excpet her husband of course) in order to show child relationship should exist only in marriage.
Anyone have any thoughts idead or suggestions on this situation. Oh by the way, mom and stepdad are under an investigation by child protective services in a possible abuse by the stepdad.
The only reason child is still there is in not wanting to cause her anymore emotional probelms. If she isnt with her mom she thinks mom is leaving again.

I am sorry, you would have thought after that very long post I wouldn't have left anything out but seems I did. We live in Oklahoma. Thanks

First of all, I can understand your situation. I go through a very simular situation with my daughter and her dad. We divorced 3 yrs. ago, she was 7 1/2, she is 10 1/2 now. As she gets older, she also becomes more mature and seems to deal with the fact that she is not as important to her dad as he is to her. Alot of the way she has learned to deal and cope, comes from the grace of God, and alot of time on my knees praying for her. Especially when she has been disappointed one more time by her dad and crys for days. It is a heart breaking situation to see a child so distraught.

What do the court orders say about custody, visitation and child support, as well as who is to provide medical insurance and who is responsible for what the insurance doesn't cover? Really before any advice can be given, we need to know the answers to these questions. And, yes, generally when it is shared custody, 50/50, there is no exchange of support.....unless your husband agreed to it in the Court Oders.....or was he doing this of his own free will, without any court order. Also, does he have reciepts or cancelled cks on what support he has paid?

I will check back later today to see if I can further help you, once you have answered these questions.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Paula

Hi and thanks....here goes the plaintiff is the dad and defendant is mom. As fot child support, the dad offered and had it put in the papers, kept raising the amount until she agreed to sign. Here is the answers....1)that custody of the said child should be granted, in the best interest of the child, jointly to both the Plaintiff and the Defendant as set forth below: Plaintiff to have the minor child every other week; and Defendant to have the mnor child on alternate week, this arrangement to remain in effect whether the minor child of the parties is pre-school or of school age unless distance becomes a relevant factor in the custody arrangement provided for herin rendering this arrangement infeasible, at which time custody of the monor child shall be as set forth below: The party living in the same county in which the mnor child of the parties is enrolled in school to have the child Monday through Friday when school lets out; The party living in a county other than that in which the minor child of the parties is enrolled in school to have custody of the child from Friday when school lets out until Sunday evening following church, subject to each party's right to any other reasonable and seasonable visitation as may be agreed upon between the parties, and following the Holiday Visitation Schedule attached. That the party exercising custody of the minor child shall be the primary custododial parent during the period of time that said party is exercising custody.
2)That defendant should be enjoined from having non-family members of the opposite sex stay overnight at the home of the parties during her visitation with the minor child, as said behavior teaches the child that living with a member of the opposite sex outside of the institution of marriage is acceptable; that the Defendant should be enjoined from having "SO AND SO" present during Defendant's visitation with the minor child of the parties.
3) That, due to the joint custody arrangement provided for herein, the Oklahoma Child Support Guidelines should be waived and Plaintiff should pay support to the Defendant in the amount of $150>00 per month for the care and maintenance of said child.
4)That there has been a Temporary Order issued in this action which contains the same ters regarding "SO AND SO" as are contained in this Decree. Although the Defendant has admitted to violating the Temporary Order in terms of having "SO AND SO" present when Defendant is exercising her bisitation with the child, the Plaintiss is willing to give a second chance to the Defendant without court action or changing the terms of the custody provisions contained herein. If, however, the terms of this Decree regarding "SO AND SO" presence during Defendant;s visitation with the mnor child are violated again, Plaintiff reserves the right to use as evidence Defendant's prior violation of the Temporary Order.
5) That Defendant should be enjoined from removing the mnor child from the jurisdiction of this Court without prior nitification of and agreement by Plaintiff.
6) I will not list the holidays as it is shows everyone and is broken down as to who gets daughter on which holdiay. IE one gets her one year for Christmas Eve and the other gets her Christmas day and then the next year they switch. Mom gets her mothers day, dad on fathers day. Child's B-day is switched each year.

7)Weekend Visitation:That the Plaintiff and Defendant shall have visitation with the minor child on alternate weekends, being the weekend following their week of visitation, with the exception that, in the best interest of the minor child, the Plaintiff shall have visitation on Sunday's in order to enable the minor chld of the parties to attend regular church services until such time as the Defendant begins attending regular church sercies of the faith compatible with that of the Plaintiff (which the child has been regularly attending to this point).

The summer visitation is the same with the exception it is for two weeks at a time. And yes, we have reciepts of any monies paid out to her. However while she was gone for, after I refigured it was almost 3 years. He did not pay child support as he had the child for all the time except for a total of 158 days in 3 years. There is nothing in the divorce about medical insurance or paying medical bills. Would I then be wrong in assuming that means he is not required to have medical insurance on her or even pay medical bills which he will keep the insurance on her and when she is with us we will pay her medical bills.

Dad went to an attorney and this is what they told him, just to get her to admit in writing she broke a court order and all the things he got as far as keeping men from staying overnight, having her on Sunday's for church, her not being able to take her our of the county without his permission etc...was well worth whatever amount of money he offered her to sign. And after she left for a while he went to an attorney and spoke with them and they said to just leave the custody arrangement as it was (ie not trying to get total custody or child support) and IF she ever came back and tried to take her back THEN take her to court, which he doesnt want to do because he wants his baby to have her mom which she wants so badly.

Thanks for the help.

After reading your post, I realized that your situation is VERY similar to ours. My husband's ex wife abandoned their three children and is the same way. She has told me that the only reason she visits with the children, is so they won't have a mother/child relationship with me. Extremely sad!!! I wish you and your husband luck!

It is my understanding that if the court order says he is to pay $150 a month, even though she was on the road, unless you have the court order changed at the time she left, your husband is still responsible for those 3 yrs. of support. I know, it doesn't sound right or fair. But, believe me the child support laws are not always fair. Everthing has to be documented through the courts anytime there is a change in circumstances. This is to only cover yourself. Not everyone is up front and honest, and in documenting everything only protects you. There is the possibility that she can collect arrears for those 3 yrs., since it was a court order and your husband did not notify the courts of her absence in the childs life and have the support changed. There will also be interest attached to the arrears.

As for medical insurance, it is my understanding that if it is not specified in the court orders, then she would have to take him to court and have it added to the orders in order for him to be responsible. If he has been providing insurance for the child, all he needs to do is send a copy of the insurance card to Child Support Services and that part will be dismissed. I am not familiar with the law in your state, but unless it is a state law that fathers have to provide insurance, and the mothers are not responsible, then yes he does. But a copy of the court order to CSS should also clarify that there was never an order for him to have insurance coverage on the child.

My best advice is to seek an attorney to address the arrears, with the understanding that she broke the court orders and try to get that over turned. CSS is more than likely going to try to get him to sign an agreed order that he owes the arrears and will provide medical insurance. Be careful and make sure your attorney reads everything before he signs. In most cases the non-custodial parent provides medical coverage and pays a % of what the insurance does not cover, including dental and eye care. This is on top of the monthly child support. If she is to gain physical custody and decide to go to work he would also be required to pay a % (usually at least 1/2) of child care expenses. She could also force the issue of extra circuliar activities and make him responsible for part of that expense as well.

I understand he wants the mom to be part of the childs life. I believe it is important for children to have both their parents (married or divorced) very involved in thier lives, this helps the children with their emotional developement. But, it is not always possible for this to happen. Some parents are too self obsorbed and can't see past their own wants to see their childrens needs and how their selfishness is tearing the children apart. It sounds like this woman just does not get it....and she may never get it. What I'm about to say, don't take wrong, but it sounds like the child is better off with you and her dad. Allowing the mother all the visitation she wants and to be a part of the childs life. But stability is the key to a emotionally well rounded child who will all too soon be an adult. She obiviously has the stability and spiritual needs with you guys. The question is......will she have this living with her mom. Right now she is emotionally carrying alot of guilt. Thinking that she has done something to cause her mom to leave. Alot of love, prayer, and time will open her eyes. Believe me alot of tears. I'm constantly telling my daughter her dad loves her.......the best way he knows how. What else can you tell a child so heart broken because the other parent doesn't want to see them.

My prayers are with you and your family. My Gods grace ease the pain of this child.

Good luck and God Bless.

I hope some of this helped. I'm not sure I answered your question, but I am not an attorney and simply was trying to help.

Paula

I am curious why the father did not go straight back to court the very first time she took off and file for sole custody and cancelling the CS.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LegalBeagle:
I am curious why the father did not go straight back to court the very first time she took off and file for sole custody and cancelling the CS.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

The obvious reason for many of us, is a thing called MONEY! Attorney's aren't exactly cheap.

I want to thank everyone for their input. The reason he didnt get sole custody is as follows. 1)he did go to an attorney and was told it would be better to leave things as they were becaue a single, working man trying to get sole custody of a little girl...if the mom DID try to fight it then he may lose even the half custody he had and would be better to wait for her to come back and try to change things and then he could show how she was always gone etc and he was told it would be easier to get sole cusotdy if once she was school age.
2)the second reason is because the daughter wanted her mother so much and he didnt want to take her away from her mom. He thought this way would leave the doors open for mom to come back and have relationship with daughter.
Yes I know would have been better to end it long ago and get sole custody and then let mom see her when she wanted and not spend years in turmoil everytime she came back and wanted her then took off again.
He was afraid of hurting his daughter so he did nothing and yes, a part of it had to do with money, affording an attorney. He has talked to one now and they want 2500.00 retainer.

hi, like other's who have replied, i too am a stepmom who cares deeply for my stepdaugthers and have watched my husband's ex-wife repeatedly use the children against him and take no moral consequences for her actions or behavior. when my husband and i got married, two days later he was arrested for child molestation that tore his heart out and scared the heck out of both of us. thank the lord, all charges were dropped after an intensive interrogation and a polygraph test. when my son was born, she repeated the same charges and we went through the dilemma a second time. again it was dismissed. she finally met a man and then took the girls to florida. all the while we are paying child support and not seeing the girls. three years ago we went after her for her neglect and twisted lifestyle that she subjected the girls to. we retained a lawyer in florida and paid a $3,500. retainer only for her mother to appear in court with her. she has never brought an attorney to any court case she has been involved in. she lied to the judge about our home which she never even seen and the only thing that got the girls out of there was she did not deny her daily marijuana habit. However, the judge gave the girls to her mother instead of my husband. my husband transported the girls back to maryland for the grandmother. meanwhile, we obtained another maryland lawyer and paid $2,600.00 retainer fee. we got temporary custody and the girls were horrified. they wanted the life with grandmom. no rules, no discipline, no chores, and lots of mall drop offs and slumber parties with friends on school nights. meanwhile, mom tells the girls to write letters to the judge to tell him they don't want to be with dad. this would lead the judge to remove them from us and give her custody back and if they did this, she would give them to their grandmother. they complied but we interjected. their school performance was horrible and they lied to us daily about menial things. they became promiscuous and i devoted my life to following them around and keeping them at least safe. i provide the medical coverage and pay the premiums through my job. the mother has never taken the girls for any medical appointments. their immunizations came from a free clinic that she had a neighbot take them to. our lives revolved around temper tantrums and family counseling appointments. finally we said enough before my husband and i ended up in a divorce and our two little ones were separated from the two of us and gave the children back to her. she refused to enroll them in school and ultimately they are basically illiterate. in july, my husband was notified that the 14 year old was pregnant and she would be made to carry the baby to term as punishment and consequences for her behavior (not that lack of supervision or caring played a role in anyway here!) my stepdaughter ran away from home in florida and came here to the father who has always came to their rescue when things have gone array. she told him to keep the girls until they are 18. she pays no child support. we are overwhelmed with medical, ob/gyn, dental, sonograms, eegs, pscyh, clothing, and getting them reinstated in school has been an ordeal in itself. school held both girls back. she doesn't acknowledge their birthdays at all but the girls love to hear from her when she calls once in a great while. i am the meanie for setting limits and i am the b**** their mother has told them about. their father is a horrible person and she is "mother of the year." I asked if she could at least pay some expenses for the pregnancy that she kept secret for three months. she laughs at this. the courts are not fair and we are too broke to get custody. we are flying on a limb with no papers in place to secure the future of these two girls because the system is unfair and it allows her to fax her replies to the judge from her kitchen table while smoking a joint instead of appearing in court when supeanoed. its this system that hurts the children. and from my experience, it doesn't matter that the stepmom is the primary care giver and the one who makes the dinners and takes them shopping and goes with them to the doctor appointments and keeps the home they live in and works everyday to help support the children that do not belong to her while the courts say, your a step mother, you don't matter. i hope your situation gets better, i am here to say that i hope your family doesn't end up like mine.