Non-custodial parent intervention?

The state is New York. I have been mulling over how to ask this question but I just decided to spit it out, because there is no easy way.

I found out my stepdaughter is sexually active last week. She is 13 yrs old. Her mother has complained time and again over this child's rebellion. My stepdaughter has been notorious for either lying about staying at her friend's house, or staying out way past her curfew (to the tune of 4 a.m.). The mother is more interested in her life, and basically leaves my SD unattended, and gives her rules, which she knows my SD doesn't abide by, and there's no consequences for the actions of my SD, only threats to her and complaints to me and my husband. She tries to deny visitation with us as her punishment.

I found out this new info completely by accident...I walked into her bedroom at our house, and she had placed a box of condoms on the bed beside her, and I walked in...she tried to hide them but it was too late. I tried my best to remain calm and talk to her about it. She has had sex 4 times (3 different boys) she told me. She was crying, telling me that each one has broken up with her not long after. Is there any legal way to prove that this child is poorly supervised (and poorly guided in her life) and what, if anything, can be done legally here? I know that 13 is an age where if the child is left alone, it is not considered neglect. However, her mother leaves her all the time. Especially now, her mother is between boyfriends, and when she's not working, she's on the manhunt at clubs nightly. We are so worried about my SD, but we don't know if there is any legal way to try to intervene or will we just have to wait until this child winds up with a child or an STD? Thanks in advance.

P.S. My husband knows about the poor supervision, but not about the sexual activity yet. I truthfully am a little scared to tell him because I don't know how he will handle knowing this. Any pointers on that would be appreciated too. Thanks again - Jen

[This message has been edited by Jenifa (edited September 21, 2000).]

Let her know you are going to and then tell him. When she's not actually physically in the house. Most 13 year old girls that are sexually active are because they are missing someone's love. They feel an emptiness and they are desperate to fill it up. They are flattered when a boy pays attention to them, he must really care! You have to intervene now and get her help now because it will only get worse. Physically and emotionally for her.

Thought: Take her out somewhere nice for dinner. Let dad do most of the talking if he is able to. Start by telling her how much you love her and that you are proud that she was smart enough to use protection(most 13 year olds don't!). Then, go on to tell her how concerned you are about how she must be feeling. Make sure that if she opens her mouth to talk that you stop. This isn't the time to make sure she follows table ettiquette! Tell her that you would like to know if there is anything you can do to help. If she is uncomfortable talking to you, arrange for her to see a counselor. You don't need one with a high price tag or anything, just someone she feels comfortable talking to that will really listen to her. (I've found that religous organizations often offer a sliding scale, but you want to make sure they aren't going to go on and on about how what she is doing is wrong instead of finding out the motivation for it.)

The big problem is with this, is that it doesn't go away. One day she will feel better about herself and the next she won't. Which day does someone approach her? You can't know and you can't predict it. I hope someone can help you out with the legal stuff. But remember, your husband needs to do most of the talking her. He is her father. And while you may be the most generous, loving woman she will ever know, it is her father that she needs to deal with right now. (Nothing against stepmom's, but even if you were the girl's mother, it would be better for the dad to deal with this!)

Tig



[This message has been edited by Tigres (edited September 22, 2000).]

Thank you so much, for your suggestion, Tig.
I am going to try what you said. As for therapy, as long as she lives in her mother's house, any attempt at getting her help is fruitless...her mother doesn't like people giving suggestions on approaches to help her daughter (especially when it entails suggesting a change in the mother's attitude), and when therapists start doing that, she decides she's pulling her. That, and the fact that the therapist won't tell her each and every thing her daughter says in a session. Maybe he can fight for the mother to be ordered to comply with a therapy schedule for her child?

I was also wondering if the fact that the child does poorly in school & has gotten into trouble numerous times due to her poor attitude, when she's lived with her mother, and that when she lived with us(those school records), she improved, just to go back to living with her mother and going back to the old way of not caring and being a bully. Would that pattern (because she lived with us a few times over the last 10 yrs) be something we can use to show that she is destructive in that environment and constructive in this one? Hmmmmmm....
He needs a lawyer... and a great one. I'll discuss this all with him (I am still worried about his reaction because she's still his little girl and she's still only 13) Wish me luck in that, and I will keep you posted on what the outcome is...thank you, thank you, thank you, Tig.

~ Jenifa ~