Stalking

What is the name of your state?FL
My husband and I have a restraining order as of July 13 of this year. Since he moved out he has ridden by the house, actually came up TO the house one night because I heard his car go by and saw it going back by later; and I heard commotion outside and the dogs were going crazy; now tonight he told the people he is staying with that he was going to look for a house after he got off work today (after 6 p.m.???), and he has told them that he is going to borrow a friend's car, go park down the road (we live near a bunch of woods) and walk up here and watch me (he is OBSESSED with the idea that I am cheating and I AM NOT and never have). He has got this sick, possessive hold over me and he is obsessed with proving that I am cheating. Should I call the law ahead of time?? Should I wait until I actually think I see the car? (I know these friends whose car he would be using and I know theire cars too). He's really scaring me now. What should I do?

"He's really scaring me now. What should I do?"


Just an opinion......... MOVE! Immediately. Move to an apartment building, condo, whatever. Somewhere where there are people around.

Once you get divorced.... move away completely and be glad you are alive....

I have been in the exact same situation. I hope you can take advantage of my experience because I made some mistakes that almost cost me my life. Leave your home immediately. You have to try and look at this as if your house is sitting on the path of a fast moving tornado and you have been told to leave. As long as you stay there your husband’s behavior will only get worse. Violence is the result of almost all stalking cases unless it is intervened and the stalker is confined. Stalkers thrive on your fear and vulnerability. Law enforcement, restraining orders, threats or any type of communication is fuel to the stalker. It does not scare them into submission or redirect their obsession it only compounds their emotional state.
Go to a hotel, a friend’s house that he has no knowledge of or a woman’s shelter. Do not stay alone while you prepare to leave. Do not go to your family’s home or a local hotel. Get to a place where there is no chance he will locate you. Do not call him with your cell phone and do not answer your phone unless it is a number you know. Get your number changed ASAP. I thought I could handle my husband even after he leased a house on the next block from me. . I thought it was important that I stay in my own home with all my belongings and my life intact. My ex violated, violated and violated the restraining order. I had a stack of police reports. In spite of the fact that there was a warrant; he remained elusive. I was terrorized.
Or was I? I was a victim the first time but every day after that, as I remained accessible to him, I was a willing participant. The police had a cruiser come and sit in front of my house each day while the guys ate lunch. Just waiting for him. They were terrific. I was getting a lot of attention. How dare me to involve so many people in this drama of mine. By staying local, I gave the court the impression that things were not all that bad. If they were as terrifying as I said than why the hell didn’t I get the hell away? RIGHT! I was being greedy and stupid.
Do not stay in that house as a target one more day. After you get to a safe place, write down everything that has occurred since day one. I will tell you what you will avoid by doing the right thing. After coming home one day, in the middle of my workday, he jumped down from the roof with a knife and chased me across the street. My neighbor (all the neighbors were on the lookout by this time) saw what was happening and came out with a gun. The neighbor fired a shot into the air, the ex took off running and I just laid down in the street thinking I had been shot. The police showed up after my ex got away and they arrested my neighbor for having a gun without the proper paperwork. No one had mentioned that the gun was shot into the air. I said I didn’t know and the whole neighborhood, I guess not wanting to get him in trouble, played stupid. Neighbor said he shot at the gate of his side fence. I guess they believed that since there were about 20 other holes from the very same gun. I don’t know why or how that one was let go. I’m just glad that it did. That was when I realized it was time to go..
Over the next week I would go over to my house and get things I thought I needed. I was staying at a motel in the next county. One night, around 8pm, I took a ride over to get some stuff. It was very dark and the lights that were set on a timer did not go on. I entered my dark home, shut the door and proceeded to walk through the house to the light switch. The lights did not work. As I bolted for the door a towel was wrapped around my head from behind. He threw me down and kicked me 6 or 7 times breaking 5 ribs. As I tried crawling away he broke a large ceramic pot over my shoulders and head. He then took a box cutter and slashed the back of my legs. I don’t know what made him stop. I passed out finally and then the police were there. It was a miracle he did not kill me. I spent a couple of nights in the hospital while they stitched me up and made sure I didn’t have a concussion. I did not return to my hometown until I got the call from my folks that he had finally been picked up near the border in San Diego. He did a mere 14 months for that. A year later he was sentenced to state prison for 6 years. Apparently he did it again to another woman. This man who I had married, who I was sure could never do this to me, would never go this far, who only was jealous and possessive; this man was an animal and if I were you I would pack up a few things and I would worry about all the injustice later.
I hope you hear the seriousness of my message to you. Do not for one minute think that you are different or that he is different or that anything at all makes your case less dangerous. If you care about yourself and your safety you will leave now. I pray that you have the courage to do the right thing.

Man........

Wow, such good advice, you've really been through it huh? Well, I guess I'll have to do like you said and get out of here; the only problem is that he knows all of my friends (the few that I was "allowed" to have). But then again, if he starts something at THEIR house then he will be in trouble for messing wiht me plus doing it at someone else's home. I just had no idea he was that way. I knew he was jealous, and controlling and stubborn, but had no idea he could let something llike that consume him so deeply. And I haven't even DONE anything, he has just convinced himself that I have, & he says that's the reason I SUDDENLY decided the marriage was SO bad and had a restraining order done; he thinks I got out quickly so I could go be with someone else (there IS no one else). He fails to remember what he did to the kids I guess. But thank you very much for your sound advice. I appreciate that.

My response:

A few quotes from MindyT:


"My husband" - okay, so you're still married.

"(he is OBSESSED with the idea that I am cheating and I AM NOT and never have). He has got this sick, possessive hold over me and he is obsessed with proving that I am cheating." - Oh, we believe you. You're not cheating on your husband.

"And I haven't even DONE anything, he has just convinced himself that I have" - - Again, we believe you. You have been faithful, and it's all his fault for the downfall of your marriage. We got it.

"so I could get out quickly and be with my boyfriend." - - Oooops! You forgot to mention that "boyfriend" amidst all of your above protests! So, there IS a "boyfriend". He wouldn't BE your "boyfriend" if you weren't boinking him!


There we go! We finally get to the truth! Throughout all of your posts, you made it sound like you were a Cloistered Nun. But, you're not. You've been getting "cream pied" by your boyfriend and your husband is jealous!

All of your "facts" and your "protestations" are now SUSPECT because I caught you in a lie. Obviously, a lying skank.

Allow a skank to speak long enough, and the real truth always comes out.

IAAL

Do you think you read this wrong IAAL?

"just convinced himself that I have, that's the reason I SUDDENLY decided it was SO bad and had a restraining order done, so I could get out quickly and be with my boyfriend"

I read it as he has convinced himself that things weren't bad, so the restraining must be about a boyfriend (that doesn't exist), not the fact that he's a mental case.

gottadoit said:

Do you think you read this wrong IAAL?

"just convinced himself that I have, that's the reason I SUDDENLY decided it was SO bad and had a restraining order done, so I could get out quickly and be with my boyfriend"

I read it as he has convinced himself that things weren't bad, so the restraining must be about a boyfriend (that doesn't exist), not the fact that he's a mental case.

Click to expand...

My response:

No, I don't believe I read anything incorrectly - - unless her grammar and punctuation placement is poor. But, it sounds like she received a "restraining order" so she and her "boyfriend" could "get out quickly" without fear of the husband doing something to Mindy, or Mindy's boyfriend.

No, the restraining order is against the "husband".

IAAL

Whether or not Mindy has a boyfriend doesn't change the fact that she might be in real danger and needs to leave her home. If another man is involved he would be wise to stay clear of these peole, for he will be in danger as well. He will exasperbate an already volatile situation.

Although the idea of a boyfriend is controversial, it doen't warrant this type of behavior.

What an IDIOT!!!!!!!!

Thank you to the poster who made it clear what I meant....THERE IS NO BOYFRIEND, IAAL....it is called sarcasm and I'm surpised that you being the king of sarcasm you didn't catch that. I was stating it the way my husband sees it. I'm not a skank; if you think I was wrong and should take the blame, then either you marry him or set him up with someone you care about to marry him. I didn't say or even hint that I did everything perfectly during our marriage. But the reason I left WAS BECAUSE OF HIM. Because of the things HE did. I cannot believe that as intelligent and rich and high on the pedestal that you make people think you are, you read that so horribly incorrectly. I knew you wouldn't give any decent advice on THIS one, but at least someone has, and thank you to the rest of you.

YES, gottadoit...someone with some sense

gottadoit said:

Do you think you read this wrong IAAL?

"just convinced himself that I have, that's the reason I SUDDENLY decided it was SO bad and had a restraining order done, so I could get out quickly and be with my boyfriend"

I read it as he has convinced himself that things weren't bad, so the restraining must be about a boyfriend (that doesn't exist), not the fact that he's a mental case.

Click to expand...

That is EXACTLY the way it was meant, and with all the sarcastic jerks on here I'm surprised anyone missed the meaning of it. Thank you for seeing that. The only one who was unfaithful in this marriage was him in the very beginning (didn't know that until recently either).

You have a restraining order, he has come by the house, have you called the police? What about your children, are they safe?

Yep, been down that avenue....

Yes, I've called them and they've talked to him, told him that they aren't playing around, that if he is caught coming around here he'll go to jail. He does this at night, and hasn't actually gotten caught doing it yet. I'm thinking I'll just go stay somewhere else until our court date this week anyway. I don't think he would come in here and hurt the kids but if I have to go somewhere else I will, definitely.

L A red said:

Whether or not Mindy has a boyfriend doesn't change the fact that she might be in real danger and needs to leave her home. If another man is involved he would be wise to stay clear of these peole, for he will be in danger as well. He will exasperbate an already volatile situation.

Although the idea of a boyfriend is controversial, it doen't warrant this type of behavior.

Click to expand...

My response:

It's just that she was lying, which makes her entire story "suspect", or exaggerated.

IAAL

You have to call them every time he comes by, that is how he will get caught. Once you have a restraining order you must be willing to enforce it, if not then it sends a different message to a mind that isn't working right. Also if he is calling or having people call you, report that also, that is harassessment also, it also gives you witnessess. Before going to court get statements of the people he has been talking with, if they are willing, so that you will have a record of his threats, in addition to keeping a record of the dates and itmes people give you this information. So if he is planning on borrowing someone's car to try an break the order, let the police know so they can look for that as well, it will also show intent to break the order whether or not he is within the safe zone. If they call you and say that he is threatening to do this or that, have them report it to the police. Also make sure your neighbors are on the look out also, because they may see him when you don't, have them call the police. If your orders prohibits him from coming within so many feet of your residence and or driveway, then driving by if there unless there is no other way, counts as breaking the restraining order whether or not you are at home.

IAAL,
I think a part of the misunderstanding comes from the fact that this thread should really be continued on the one Mindy started on 7-14-4. It is clear by that thread and even the sentence you refer to that it is her husband's obsession that she has a boyfriend and the thought was interrupted by a qualifying phrase set off by commas and omitted the word, "NOT" then is it is clear, leaving out a word happens all the time when people are upset.

"I just had no idea he was that way. I knew he was jealous, and controlling and stubborn, but had no idea he could let something llike that consume him so deeply. And I haven't even DONE anything, he has just convinced himself that I have, that's the reason I SUDDENLY decided it was SO bad and had a restraining order done, (omitted the word, NOT) so I could get out quickly and be with my boyfriend. He fails to remember what he did to the kids I guess."

The reference to the kids was the original reason for getting the restraining order was that he had beaten the kids with a belt leaving welts and had nothing to do with haveing a boyfriend, if the thread had been updated this would not be so confusing.

"07-14-2004, 06:47 PM
MindyT Member
Location: Tallahassee, Florida
Posts: 133
Update on last post, posted in wrong area earlier
What is the name of your state?FL
Well, there's an update to my other post; yesterday I went to the sheriff's department while my husband was at work and filed for an injunction and they served him yesterday when I wasn't home (by choice; I knew he would hit the roof). My heart is so torn....I know it will be the best thing for all of us, including him, but the loneliness and the hugeness of the whole situation is really getting to me; what made me decide to go for it was something that happened the night before that; he spanked the kids with the belt and left marks on them, pretty good marks, and not only for the kids but for fear of MYSELF losing them, I filed. He's going back and forth between "I'll do whatever I have to do to get her back" to "If she wants a divorce she'll get one, and if she thinks it will be civil she's mistaken" to "If we ever DO get back together, if she thinks it was bad when I was there, then after this stunt it WILL be hard; i won't leave a running vehicle there during the day", etc. Then it's wondering why I didn't talk to him (this is what a friend is telling me; not passing specific messages).....I can see I'm in for a battle; DCF is involved now because of the kids and I hate DCF, and I have to keep rehashing what happened when all I want to do is NOT think about it.....right now at least....but I did it, I never thought I would have the guts to do it, and even now I am afraid he may come over raising cane and showing his butt and I won't know how to stop it."