I
Illinois Parent
Guest
I have been reading this board and getting quite an education over the past few weeks. There has been much talk in the past several years about character education and parenting education becoming required curriculum in our schools; I think this board should be required reading for all high school kids.
The lesson here? These, boys and girls, are the kinds of things that can happen when you have a child that either you or your partner are not ready to take responsibility for. Responsibility for the next 18 years minimum. These are the kinds of situations that you can find yourself in. These are the horror stories of what happens when parents are more interested in their 'rights' than the best interests of the child.
Granted, many of you are venting here on the injustices you have been subjected to by the courts. Granted, many of you are simply trying to do the best you can for your child. I have to point out though, there are a lot of postings that include "my rights are being violated"; "why do I have to do the right thing when the other one doesn't/isn't/won't"; "my spouse's ex.....".
The common thread here is 'my'.
Sorry to be brutal, but, too bad for you. That is not said nor meant to be dismissive, just to put it in perspective. Yes, it is indeed too bad for you as the parent/adult/spouse. But the only truly tragic figure is the child.
Before anyone gets their undies in a bundle and fires off with self-righteous indignation, keep a few points in mind. That horrible, irresponsible, noncompliant parent is the person with whom YOU CHOSE to co-create another life. It is tragic that they are what they are; it is unfair that you now have to pick up the slack; it is unjust that you are being held to a standard of behavior and proscribed action by a overburdoned, uncaring court system. But that is the situation that you are at least half responsible for creating. You feel you have no choice? You are partially correct. You did have choices and you make them. These are the consequences of those choices. It may not be what you bargained for, but it is what it is.
The situation that you are currently in is the direct result of choices previously made. Unfair and unjust would be the proper terms if you were allowed to not take responsibility for those choices. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. When the mistakes we make affect a child, we MUST be held accountable. The stakes don't get any higher than the life, well being and best interests of a child.
My position is simply that parents don't have 'rights'. What we have are responsibilities. Obligations. Duties. First, to the child, second to society at large. Third, and a distance third, to our own beliefs and value systems. Since freedom ends at the ends of our noses (you are free to do as you choose as long as it affects only you), rights also end at the ends of our noses. You have the right to have children. That is your choice. But then society has the right to hold you responsible for that child until that child is of legal age; until that child is old enough to be responsible for their own freedom and rights. If you and the person with whom you co-created a child cannot agree on the upbringing of the child; if you and that person turn to an outside, third party for intervention; if you or that person ask the courts to help hold up the other end of the responsibility cord, you have given up the right to self autonomy. One, or both of you have invited the court into your life. You are at the natural ending of the actions you chose.
No one in their right mind chooses to get married and create a child so that they can get divorced and spend the rest of that childs' life fighting over the child. But this is possible because of the way we, as a society, look at children. If every person took full responsibilty for the child they helped create; if every parent put the best interests of the child foremost in every decision they make, there would be no such thing as 'custody issues'. I take umbrage with the very word 'custody', not for what it means, but for what too many take it to mean. It does not mean, or even intimate ownership. It means "having responsibility for the care...". Check a Thesaurus and you'll find the words "care, duty, obligation, guardianship". Notice, 'rights' didn't make the list. The only 'rights' we truly have as parents is to decide what is in our child's best interest and how to raise our children. When we ask the courts to decide custody issues, we choose to give up the only rights we ever really had.
On a more personal note, I too have been the victim of an uncaring, overburdened court system. But that is my own fault, and I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. When I married that man, I believed it would be forever. I would never have envisioned how things have turned out. I am still the only person in my entire family ever to be divorced, so it has definitely been a learning experience. When I went to the police to get an order of protection (once I learned what that was), it was the first time EVER I had been to a police station. I had never been in a courtroom, not even for jury duty or a traffic violation. And I was very intimidated by the whole process. But it didn't take me long to realize that the best qualified person to see to the care and upbringing of my child was me. That stranger sitting at the bench did not know my child. That stranger sitting at the bench had as his first priority the laws of the state. Yes, the best interests of the child are a part of that law. But the 'right' to defend the best interests of MY CHILD was something I was not willing to abdicate. So, I had to decide that I would do whatever it takes to keep my position sacrosanct. That meant re-prioritizing my entire life. From that moment on, every decsision I made had to be prefaced with not what I want, but what is best for my child; how do I need to proceed to keep my right to decide what is best for my child. This does not make me some great self-sacrificing matyr; it makes me a PARENT. Just because it got a little tougher and stranger than I had bargained for did not lessen my responsibility.
There have been more than a couple of points at which I didn't have a choice, points at which I did have to go to the courts. But each time, I had to first research and learn everything I could so that I could maintain as much control over my child's, and by natural extension, my life as possible. And that is the great beauty of these Boards and postings. We can learn from each other; we can help and support one another; and we can get expert advice on those points that we are ata loss. And we can even occasionally get up on our little cyber-space soap boxes.
The lesson here? These, boys and girls, are the kinds of things that can happen when you have a child that either you or your partner are not ready to take responsibility for. Responsibility for the next 18 years minimum. These are the kinds of situations that you can find yourself in. These are the horror stories of what happens when parents are more interested in their 'rights' than the best interests of the child.
Granted, many of you are venting here on the injustices you have been subjected to by the courts. Granted, many of you are simply trying to do the best you can for your child. I have to point out though, there are a lot of postings that include "my rights are being violated"; "why do I have to do the right thing when the other one doesn't/isn't/won't"; "my spouse's ex.....".
The common thread here is 'my'.
Sorry to be brutal, but, too bad for you. That is not said nor meant to be dismissive, just to put it in perspective. Yes, it is indeed too bad for you as the parent/adult/spouse. But the only truly tragic figure is the child.
Before anyone gets their undies in a bundle and fires off with self-righteous indignation, keep a few points in mind. That horrible, irresponsible, noncompliant parent is the person with whom YOU CHOSE to co-create another life. It is tragic that they are what they are; it is unfair that you now have to pick up the slack; it is unjust that you are being held to a standard of behavior and proscribed action by a overburdoned, uncaring court system. But that is the situation that you are at least half responsible for creating. You feel you have no choice? You are partially correct. You did have choices and you make them. These are the consequences of those choices. It may not be what you bargained for, but it is what it is.
The situation that you are currently in is the direct result of choices previously made. Unfair and unjust would be the proper terms if you were allowed to not take responsibility for those choices. Yes, everyone makes mistakes. When the mistakes we make affect a child, we MUST be held accountable. The stakes don't get any higher than the life, well being and best interests of a child.
My position is simply that parents don't have 'rights'. What we have are responsibilities. Obligations. Duties. First, to the child, second to society at large. Third, and a distance third, to our own beliefs and value systems. Since freedom ends at the ends of our noses (you are free to do as you choose as long as it affects only you), rights also end at the ends of our noses. You have the right to have children. That is your choice. But then society has the right to hold you responsible for that child until that child is of legal age; until that child is old enough to be responsible for their own freedom and rights. If you and the person with whom you co-created a child cannot agree on the upbringing of the child; if you and that person turn to an outside, third party for intervention; if you or that person ask the courts to help hold up the other end of the responsibility cord, you have given up the right to self autonomy. One, or both of you have invited the court into your life. You are at the natural ending of the actions you chose.
No one in their right mind chooses to get married and create a child so that they can get divorced and spend the rest of that childs' life fighting over the child. But this is possible because of the way we, as a society, look at children. If every person took full responsibilty for the child they helped create; if every parent put the best interests of the child foremost in every decision they make, there would be no such thing as 'custody issues'. I take umbrage with the very word 'custody', not for what it means, but for what too many take it to mean. It does not mean, or even intimate ownership. It means "having responsibility for the care...". Check a Thesaurus and you'll find the words "care, duty, obligation, guardianship". Notice, 'rights' didn't make the list. The only 'rights' we truly have as parents is to decide what is in our child's best interest and how to raise our children. When we ask the courts to decide custody issues, we choose to give up the only rights we ever really had.
On a more personal note, I too have been the victim of an uncaring, overburdened court system. But that is my own fault, and I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. When I married that man, I believed it would be forever. I would never have envisioned how things have turned out. I am still the only person in my entire family ever to be divorced, so it has definitely been a learning experience. When I went to the police to get an order of protection (once I learned what that was), it was the first time EVER I had been to a police station. I had never been in a courtroom, not even for jury duty or a traffic violation. And I was very intimidated by the whole process. But it didn't take me long to realize that the best qualified person to see to the care and upbringing of my child was me. That stranger sitting at the bench did not know my child. That stranger sitting at the bench had as his first priority the laws of the state. Yes, the best interests of the child are a part of that law. But the 'right' to defend the best interests of MY CHILD was something I was not willing to abdicate. So, I had to decide that I would do whatever it takes to keep my position sacrosanct. That meant re-prioritizing my entire life. From that moment on, every decsision I made had to be prefaced with not what I want, but what is best for my child; how do I need to proceed to keep my right to decide what is best for my child. This does not make me some great self-sacrificing matyr; it makes me a PARENT. Just because it got a little tougher and stranger than I had bargained for did not lessen my responsibility.
There have been more than a couple of points at which I didn't have a choice, points at which I did have to go to the courts. But each time, I had to first research and learn everything I could so that I could maintain as much control over my child's, and by natural extension, my life as possible. And that is the great beauty of these Boards and postings. We can learn from each other; we can help and support one another; and we can get expert advice on those points that we are ata loss. And we can even occasionally get up on our little cyber-space soap boxes.