• FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.

14 yo Son Needs Wakeup Call

Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills   Please click a topic or scroll down for more.

S

Soccer Mom

Guest
What is the name of your state? Connecticut

Background: Single mom, three teens: boy 14, girls 17 and 18. Good kids, good grades, plenty of mommy supervision and involvement.

This past weekend, my son had a friend visiting from Massachusetts. On Sunday night, the boys had a few friends over. I sent them all home at 10:30pm, check in on my son and his friend who were watching a movie and went to bed. At 2:00am, I heard noise and got up. It was my son starting up the computer. After a mommy lecture and revocation of some privileges for the upcoming week, I sent him to bed, making the mistake of NOT checking in on the visitor in the guest room. (If I did, I would've known he was AWOL.)

At 3:00am, I was woken up by two police officers ringing my doorbell. Turns out that after I went to bed, the two boys snuck out of the house. Unbeknownst to me, the Massachusetts boy had brought a paintball gun with him. (My son isn’t allowed to have weapons like that.) They went to a friend’s house down the street at 11:30pm. At 12:30am, the idiot mother let three 14 year old boys out unsupervised with two paintball guns in tow without notifying anyone. As you can guess already, the boys were firing the guns around the neighborhood and were hitting passing cars. Yup. The police caught them, and the boys split up and ran.

My son and the other local boy were given summonses and charged with Breach of Peace, Reckless Endangerment and Interfering with a Police Officer. The Massachusetts boy wasn’t so lucky. Although he was facing the same charges, because he was from out of state, they took custody of him immediately. He was held at the police station for a while and then sent to the local juvenile detention facility until he could get in front of a judge. Never mind what was going on in my mind about my own son, I almost couldn’t bear calling the Massachusetts boy’s parents. And then after dealing with the call, I watched those parents sit at the juvenile center crying all day waiting to see their son and, I might add, completely shunning me. I can understand them being mad at me for being negligent in not putting barbed wire around the house to keep the boys in, but come on! I’m not the one who put a weapon in the hands of a teenaged boy!!!

Unfortunately, this was not my son’s first brush with the authorities. We lived in South Florida for a few years. When my son was 11 years old, I had been hospitalized for two weeks with viral meningitis. My son’s only supervision was his older sisters and my 80 year old mother in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. (Where was his dad, you ask? I think he took them out to dinner once or twice during that time.) The day after I got out of the hospital, I received a call from the Broward Sheriff’s office. Turns out my son had taken a goped out of someone’s front yard and hid it in some bushes until some “friends” from school could take it for themselves. At 11 years old, my son was taken out of the classroom by a uniformed officer, questioned with no other adult present and without notifying me, handcuffed, put in the back of a police cruiser and taken to the Broward Sheriff’s office. They called me and I came right down, but I wasn’t allowed to see him for almost three hours while they did the fingerprint and mug shot thing and held him in a cell for a while.

Evidently, my son didn’t learn from that experience. And he was fully aware of the possible ramifications for him if he got in trouble again. I lectured him incessantly about what could happen to him for just being with kids getting in trouble -- even if he’s not participating.

So here are my questions:

- What could the impact be on this of his previous record from Florida? (He did complete a probationary period satisfactorily.)
- What could be the ramifications if he gets in trouble again?
- If he gets off with a slap on the wrist and some community service, as I’m told he probably will, what are my options for insisting on something that will hit home with him? And what should that be?

And last but not least:

- HOW DO I STOP HIM FROM MAKING BAD CHOICES AND DOING DUMB THINGS??? I mean, I know boys will be boys and they will do dumb things, but most 14 year old boys haven’t been arrested twice!!!!
 


rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
1. Go to the store and buy several of the door alarms that are used to signal when babies open a door and put these up on all your doors. Don't get the ones like they have for offices you want to make sure he and all his friends see the name of the "Baby" company on it, If that doesn't work have an alarm system installed and don't give him the code.

2. Work with the system to make an impression including any programs or other opportunities. Write up a contract for your rules, make it clear exactly what you expect and amend as needed having him sign every amendment.

3. Start talking about the Marines, even take him to the recruiter and begin planning for him joining, you can sign for him prior to his majority and prior to graduation when he is 17, they even have pre enlistment opportunities to prepare and also keeps his weekends occupied. Tell him he will make the uniform look great! :D He will! The Marines can work wonders, he will have to stay out of trouble.

4. Learn breathing exercises, you will need them for the next 4 years ;)
 
S

Soccer Mom

Guest
Thanks!

It looks like we're on the same wavelength. I did have Brinks come out to the house THAT DAY to talk about wiring doors and windows,and told my son he would work off the cost of the installation and service, but I really like the "Baby" thing better!

As for the Marines, that's part of the problem. My son does want to go into the military -- Navy or Marines. But how many of these infractions can he have on his record before it's no longer an option???

Lisa

PS - Never thought I would need my Lamaze training to kick in 14 years later!
 

tigger22472

Senior Member
Soccer Mom said:
As for the Marines, that's part of the problem. My son does want to go into the military -- Navy or Marines. But how many of these infractions can he have on his record before it's no longer an option???

Remind him if he can't handle YOU giving him rules and him following them he damn sure isn't going to last in the military with 15 people giving him rules!!
 

rmet4nzkx

Senior Member
Soccer Mom said:
It looks like we're on the same wavelength. I did have Brinks come out to the house THAT DAY to talk about wiring doors and windows,and told my son he would work off the cost of the installation and service, but I really like the "Baby" thing better!

As for the Marines, that's part of the problem. My son does want to go into the military -- Navy or Marines. But how many of these infractions can he have on his record before it's no longer an option???

Lisa

PS - Never thought I would need my Lamaze training to kick in 14 years later!
:D the "Baby" thing will be very gratifying be sure to install them so he will be surprised the first time he sees them, don't give him any warning :D
Save Brinks for later but still make him work it off.

Good that he is interested in either the USMC or USN but push for the USMC they are more effective in what you are hoping for. Don't tell him this, but the recruiter can help get him in even if he as some juvenile offneses, what happens is once they make a committment for a MOS that is their job if they fail to meet the standards and have to obtain the special dispenstion of the Commandant of the USMC, they will be allowed in but at a job they will hate and can only switch after they have proved themselves.

So, if he wants to be a firefighter and screws up after he commits to pre-enlistment contract they might let him in but change his MOS to that of a greese or wire monkey something undesirable. ALso they do have weekend activities to develop physicial strength and other attributes and skills, also they may enter the corps at a higher rate if they get others to enlist, but in bootcamp wonders will be worked and once a Marine, always a Marine! ;)
Yes Lamaze has it's place throughout the extended birth process, you are entering the final stage of labor and didn't know it :eek:
 

Happy Trails

Senior Member
Soccer Mom said:
It looks like we're on the same wavelength. I did have Brinks come out to the house THAT DAY to talk about wiring doors and windows,and told my son he would work off the cost of the installation and service, but I really like the "Baby" thing better!

As for the Marines, that's part of the problem. My son does want to go into the military -- Navy or Marines. But how many of these infractions can he have on his record before it's no longer an option???

Lisa

PS - Never thought I would need my Lamaze training to kick in 14 years later!
**Yeah, Lamaze training will be handy for many years. lol

**We live in a time where our children have more things available to them than we ever had. (computers, t.v.s in bed room, game boxes, etc...) And they think these things are something that they have a right to.

**I limited my children's time on the computer and internet. Only to find they would try to out smart me on breaking the rules. I started to take the internet connection apart and take it to my room. They would get other splitters and reconnect after I went to bed. I just kept collecting them and warned them that they would lose this privilege altogether if they kept it up.

**Also my daughter would abuse the use of her cell phone with too many late night calls. When I would catch her doing this, she would say she was only setting her alarm on the phone. (yeah right) I took it away from her and she was really mad at me and insisted she was just setting the alarm. I then explained to her that when I checked the phone record on-line that she was lying.

**My other daughter kept running up our long distance phone bill. She wasn't aware that when she called her friends on their cell phone it was costing .10 cents a minute. I warned her that if it was too excessive; she would pay the difference in the bill next month. Then I told her I would disconnect the long distance all together. I put a block on our long distance and bought a phone card and our kids do not know the number to activate the long distance calls. Should of seen her face when she heard the operator tell her that her call could not be completed.

**We do have to be one up on them, fortunately we were kids once and do know what they are capable of. Sounds like you are on the right track. Love the 'baby' thing too! Good luck!
 

kat1963

Senior Member
If he continues, you might want to keep this in mind:

http://www.ngycp.org/

The other parents were crying? Heck, I would have been so pissed I'd have left the little bugger in there for a few days at least!!

Good Luck! Gotta love those teen years yes, sirreeee....whew, glad that's over with!!!!

KAT
 
S

Soccer Mom

Guest
Military

Thanks Kat. I looked at that web site and it's for 16 year olds and up. My son is 14. I've also looked into Junior Reserve and Junior ROTC for all branches of the military, and the closest school to us is over an hour from our house -- just not feasible on a daily basis, and there are no weekend programs.

He was on the waiting list for Big Brothers for years, but wound up being "too old" (the cutoff is 13) before they found him a Big Brother. I've had him doing some volunteer work with me -- he particularly likes working with the Special Olympics program -- but that's doesn't give him the discipline and mentoring that he needs.

Any other suggestions?

Lisa
 

kat1963

Senior Member
I posted the link above to be saved should he continue along these lines. I also found that ordering brochures from ALL BOY schools & leaving them around did wonders for my son. :)

There is Tough Love for additional parenting help: http://www.toughlove.org/

When my son got into trouble at 12 (something similar, he's now 20) I took the door off his room & left him with nothing but a change of underwear & a mattress. It's called 3 hots & a cot. Items are earned back with the 3 R's: Remorse, Responsibility & Respect. I also refused to argue (unlike Growing Up Gotti). I'd take the time to listen & discuss, but once I made a decision it was FINAL. If he continued then I would start with "Did you say something? Because I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO BE GROUNDED FOR THREE DAYS" "What? DID I HEAR YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO BE GROUNDED FOR FOUR DAYS?" Then stick to it. I was the mean Mommy then & he hated me which was fine. Parenting is a job; being your kid’s friend isn’t in the job description. I know you understand this but so many parents do not!

I also like to add a little humor. He once decided that getting up for school on time was too hard. This of course would make me late for work also. He was warned but it didn't seem to make any impact. I told him that if he didn't get up I was going to take him to school (small private school mind you) in my robe, slippers & curlers. He didn't and I did, walking him right to class. Then there were detentions for being the class clown which I’ll leave to your imagination... though I still have the wig if you need it.

If you have the money, Raymond Moses does home visits. Three days, $900 plus travel from NC.

In addition, it might not happen this time, but sooner or later Social Services IS going to be involved. He could be made a ward of the state & put into a therapeutic foster home or juvenile detention. Be prepared to pay child support, supervised visitation, forced parenting classes….who knows. If this is EVER the case I advise you get your OWN lawyer immediately.

Remember, it's never too early to start looking into summer camp for next year! It might seem expensive but when you think about what you could possibly save in lawyers fees, family turmoil, emotional distress it might seem like a bargin.

Best of luck!

KAT
 

Find the Right Lawyer for Your Legal Issue!

Fast, Free, and Confidential
data-ad-format="auto">
Top