Divorcing, She has NO Job

What is the name of your state? NY

Looking to file for divorce but she is between jobs and there are three kids involved. She just graduated college, in June, but hasn't been successful infinding a job...she says.

She had an affair and I get to pay for it by moving out of the appartment and not being with kids.

Any advise on how to proceed. Affair was discovered via her email.
How best can I protect what very little I have?
Pending IRS payments soon, does this get factored in?
Married 14yrs, how much alimony am I potentially going to pay?
Kids are 7,6, & 6...if we have joint custody do I have to pay child support?

Many thanks in advance.

Why are you moving out rather than filing for custody?

I agree. DON'T move out!

How long has she been out of the workforce?

As a new college graduate, she SHOULD be able to find a position. Fight very hard for custody and that any alimony be short term

It is her mother's two family house and things are just too intense. She still communicates with the person she had an affair with and it's too much for me to deal with. I am only around the corner from them in my mother's house.
Should I move back and bite the bullet?
How do I begin to fight for custody?
How much leverage do I have and how should I use it?

Well then, at minimum have the KIDS move in with you!

Will NOT living with the kids (moving out) play a negative role in my divorce case? I do have email communications and her personally admitting the relationship. Will this help any?

bk1026 said:

What is the name of your state? NY

Looking to file for divorce but she is between jobs and there are three kids involved. She just graduated college, in June, but hasn't been successful infinding a job...she says.

She had an affair and I get to pay for it by moving out of the appartment and not being with kids.

Any advise on how to proceed. Affair was discovered via her email.
How best can I protect what very little I have?
Pending IRS payments soon, does this get factored in?
Married 14yrs, how much alimony am I potentially going to pay?
Kids are 7,6, & 6...if we have joint custody do I have to pay child support?

Many thanks in advance.

Click to expand...

Ok...since you were married for 14 years alimony is a possibility. Its not guaranteed since she just graduated from college and should be employable now, but its possible.

Her affair honestly will have nothing to do with how the case will come out. You can use it as grounds for the divorce in NY, but its not going to "punish" her in any way.

The pending IRS payments will get treated just like any other debt or asset in the divorce. Things will end up getting divided.

Normally its not recommended that you leave the marital home until at least temporary orders are made regarding custody. However, despite what the others told you I think that you made the wisest move under the circumstances and I would NOT recommend that you try to move back...nor that you try to take the children at this point. It could get REALLY messy if you try.

You would definitely be able to get joint legal custody (joint decision making)You said that you are living right around the corner at your parent's home...if that is the case and you intend to do that long term, joint physical custody might be workable. However please realize that unless both parents intend to stay at least within the same school system until the kids are 18, it may not be workable on a permanent basis.

You could go for shared physical custody with a clause that whomever leaves the district gives up their shared custody unless another agreement is reached. It is better to keep the children as unaffected as possible. If they can stay in the same neighborhood as their friends, same school AND be near BOTH their Grandmothers AND have both parents equally available, it will be better for them. So create an incentive to make future plans that do not disrupt the kids any further.

And why not go for an temporary custody order that shares custody, as the kids are walking distance from each household?

BTW, the job market is EXTREMELY tight in the Northeast just now. The fact that she is a recent college graduate is does not even remotely guarantee that she "should" be able to find a job.

People with decades of experience are taking months and years to find new jobs. A new college graduate with limited experience isn't going to find it any easier.

Depends upon her field and what she is willing to take in compensation to start out.

No offense, nextwife, but don't kid yourself. Maybe the Midwest has turned around faster, I don't know, but up here I'm not kidding when I say that I know experienced people who've been out of work for two years and still can't get a job, and they're not being fussy either.

nextwife said:

You could go for shared physical custody with a clause that whomever leaves the district gives up their shared custody unless another agreement is reached. It is better to keep the children as unaffected as possible. If they can stay in the same neighborhood as their friends, same school AND be near BOTH their Grandmothers AND have both parents equally available, it will be better for them. So create an incentive to make future plans that do not disrupt the kids any further.

And why not go for an temporary custody order that shares custody, as the kids are walking distance from each household?

Click to expand...

He really has pretty much the "ideal" circumstance for shared custody right now. As in ideal for the children. That is why its workable, and why I cautioned him about the future. If both parents can get the "mindset", that "here is where I live and here is where I will stay", until the kids emancipate (or are old enough to transport themselves) its the one situation where I honestly feel that true joint custody, 50/50 really can work.

However I will add the additional "caution" that it requires two parents who are willing to "leave their egos at the door" and cooperate for the sake of the kids. It takes hard work to get there...but it CAN be done. The OP's first step is going to be to "let go" on the fact that she cheated. That isn't easy to do. I KNOW...been there, done that. Also, if both parents can convince THEIR parents to stay neutral, and keep out of things, that can also help tremendously.

cbg said:

No offense, nextwife, but don't kid yourself. Maybe the Midwest has turned around faster, I don't know, but up here I'm not kidding when I say that I know experienced people who've been out of work for two years and still can't get a job, and they're not being fussy either.

Click to expand...

Its not that easy in the midwest either. I was talking to a recruiter, a friend of mine, yesterday, and she told me that for every job they have available that requires a college degree, they get at least 100 resumes....and generally choose to interview no more than 10. There are still a few fields that are crying for applicants (nursing and teaching, particularly specialized teaching), in the midwest, but in reality its just as tight there.

I have been self-employed the last couple of years and could do my professional work just as easily in the evenings as during the day. One of our local middle schools was so desperate for a spanish teacher one semester that they were willing to hire ANYONE, even without a teaching license. I agreed to teach for a few months until they could find someone with a license. My respect for teachers increased DRAMATICALLY as a result of those few months.

move back in if you can stand it emotionally. you put yourself at serious disadvantage legally, possession being 9/10 of the law as they say. at least so it appears to me watching friends go through this.

don't be so sure she's lying about being able to find a job, though. the market is hideous. i was unemployed for almost two years and i've never in my life not been able to find a job, including the last recession.

Thanks for all the responses. I'm truely not sure if moving back is an option at this point although last night I said I would like to have custody and she didn't like it and suggested I move back in and just live separate lives. Imagine that. Although she was initially open to me having them until she pursued another degree. Let's see 2 college degree's, HR Certification and no kids until completed...priceless.

I read about mediation and have suggested it to her but she hasn't responded. I suggested she put pride asside and be open to a 45-50K job as apposed to 70-75K in HR related field. She didn't like that either. She has a saying at the bottom of her email that quotes Maya Angelou: "Phenomenal Woman ... That's Me"...my mother scrubbed floors to help my dad with bills and took my older brother with her, she also had two jobs whenever it was needed. Isn't that what a "Phenomenal Woman" woman would do for her family.

I don't want to denied the kids in any way I wasn't raised in a bad household and there was always love. She doesn't have the tolerance to be with them all the time. Her diary states she wants to marry the guy and I have a problem with the kids living with her if that were to happen.

Thanks again for the responses everyone.