should I wait until the school year ends

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?NY. I've been basically staying with my Duke of Deceit husband for the kids sake (9,6 4 yrs. old). I've been a stay at home (working-cash) mom since they were born (and have always been responsible for every aspect of living). He wants to do a separation agreement (dictating to me how it will be). He refuses to move out (I think that's the least he can do after the hell he's put me through). Repeat adultery, habitual lying, financial hole, blah blah.
My ultimate concern is our 3 children. He wants me to wait until May (close to when the school year is done), but I think he wants to wait because he is in the ski business and that's when his season ends (for his convenience?). Should I wait until then (I was thinking of starting the process after the holidays). Doe's it matter? Any input will be appreciated. Thanks.

DANTHONI said:

My ultimate concern is our 3 children. He wants me to wait until May (close to when the school year is done), but I think he wants to wait because he is in the ski business and that's when his season ends (for his convenience?). Should I wait until then (I was thinking of starting the process after the holidays). Doe's it matter? Any input will be appreciated. Thanks.

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There is a possibility that he is using delay tactics because he doesn't really want the separation.

There is also the possibility that he wants you to wait until school is out so that he can legally take the children when he leaves.

If you don't trust him, you should get custody and visitation determined as soon as possible.

Whatever you decide, you should make up a child safety ID kit for each one of your children and put it in a safe place.

Should I Wait

Thanks for the input. He won't leave. We live in a small town and since I discovered his last affair (last Nov.) and spoke to a lawyer, he's been making himself publically known. Schmoozing everyone, acting like he's superdad (which really makes me sick because in all these years our children were not a priority), now they adore him. Kissing everyone's butt. He ran for the school board and won. He's become buddy-buddy with a lawyer in town. I'm sure there's a reason why he is doing all of this. Yes, he has been stalling. Promising to change (again). He agreed to seek professional help (about his habitual lying problem). He did go th two different therapists this yr but he just can't get it out. He reverts to blaming me. I'm sure that he has a plan. He goes to great lengths to avoid accountability. He'd make a good politician. I quess the question is...what am I waiting for? I quess there really isn't a "good" time, I just have to do it. I've been stalling because I don't want to devastate my children.

I'm sure there's a reason why he is doing all of this.

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He could honestly be trying to turn over a new leaf, but he could be planning his divorce strategy ahead of time. I've seen both men and women do it. You need to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

From what I've seen, it takes better communication skills to be successfully divorced than it does to be successfully married. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist. I don't recommend that you see the same one that he is seeing (at least not at first). It is better to start with someone who hasn't already been influenced. A paid confidant can help you see things more clearly and they keep secrets better than your hairdresser does. So, whether you find a way to stay together or end up apart, this could be time well spent.

But, don't lose your lawyer's phone number.

should I wait

Thanks again. You seem to be aware of these situations. He has seen 2 therapists this year and I spoke to both of them. I have also seen a different one. They all have told me the same thing (basically, that I'm a door mat and what am I waiting for?). Unfortunately, I feel sorry for him (he has that ability to make people think that), which just gives me false hope. I met with this couple (I've known for 20 yrs) on Sunday. They have a 2nd home here so I've only seen them a few times in the past few years. He is a psychiatrist and she is a psycho-therapist. They understood my delay in action-trauma to the kids, myself, leaving the only house my children know-and we built it, just the big mess to come (my instinct). It scares me. But, their advice was basically the same. What are you waiting for(?) and that he will never change. The depression and anger will leave when he leaves. Thanks again for your reassurance.

Danthoni

I know what you're going through - my ex could be your "Duke's" twin. My kids were teenagers fortuntely though. I firmly believe that he's planning something - and it won't be good for you. As I've stated I listened to the same lies, half truths, promises to change, blah,blah,blah went through marriage counseling... then he abruptly left and moved in with another woman. And yes, there was a small business involved in my case as well.

My advice would be to wait until very early January (after the holidays), then file for custody, temp CS/alimony, and property division. Starting soon I would start making a list of all your known debts, assets, stocks, bonds (your entire financial picture). Make copies and either entrust them to a friend or put in a secure place. If you don't have one, get your own checking/savings account. Get copies of your credit reports (preferably with scores) so you can see where you stand as far as joint or any separate debt is concerned. If you don't have one apply for a credit card using your current household income.

Trust me, he will not expect the "doormat" to do something so bold as this. I know you may want to do anything to save your marriage for the sake for your children - I know I did - but there comes a point in time when you know in your heart that it's time to throw in the towel. I was the doormat too, but I waited too long and ended up getting not only emotionally but financially "screwed".

Furthermore, I agree with Blonde's advise.

should I wait

This is like group therapy (even though I've never been). I spent the entire day going through bank acct statements (I found all since '97 so far). I also found credit card statements (when he was in charge of paying the bills). I discovered alot. He only did this for a year until I decided to open a bill one day and found that one of my credit card accts interest was up to 24.9%! That's when I took charge of all of the finances. He paid all of the chg accts late (for no reason-we had the money) and they all had over 20% rates. Also, I found out today that he wrote quite a cash advance checks to himself while he was in charge of sending out the bills. Lots of charges for business trips for hundreds. He was supposed to be reimbursed, but the money never went back into the checking acct. I've always worked out of my house since I had my first baby (I had 3 in 5 yrs). All cash though (except for the ebay which is on record). I will always have to be home for the kids.
About adultery. Concerning his last affair-after he dumped this woman, she and her husband went to marriage counseling and she spilled her guts (details about what she and my idiot did-for 18 months). They are now separated. Her husband (who I've only met once) has called me and filled me in and also told me that he read her diary and that she is still obsessed with my husband. She started taking her walks past my house again this summer (fatal attraction?). Anyway, can I use his written account of what he knows as proof? Anyone?

DANTHONI said:

This is like group therapy (even though I've never been). I spent the entire day going through bank acct statements (I found all since '97 so far). I also found credit card statements (when he was in charge of paying the bills). I discovered alot.

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Good for you - you're taking back your power!

He only did this for a year until I decided to open a bill one day and found that one of my credit card accts interest was up to 24.9%! That's when I took charge of all of the finances. He paid all of the chg accts late (for no reason-we had the money) and they all had over 20% rates. Also, I found out today that he wrote quite a cash advance checks to himself while he was in charge of sending out the bills. Lots of charges for business trips for hundreds. He was supposed to be reimbursed, but the money never went back into the checking acct.

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Our "stories" are very similar here too.

I've always worked out of my house since I had my first baby (I had 3 in 5 yrs). All cash though (except for the ebay which is on record). I will always have to be home for the kids.

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Be careful because both of you have "off the books" income which likely will make CS calculations more difficult.

About adultery. Concerning his last affair-after he dumped this woman, she and her husband went to marriage counseling and she spilled her guts (details about what she and my idiot did-for 18 months). They are now separated. Her husband (who I've only met once) has called me and filled me in and also told me that he read her diary and that she is still obsessed with my husband. She started taking her walks past my house again this summer (fatal attraction?). Anyway, can I use his written account of what he knows as proof? Anyone?

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I only know that NY is a "fault" state. Other than that I'll have to leave you to our "experts" to field, steath2, perhaps?

DANTHONI said:

Her husband (who I've only met once) has called me and filled me in and also told me that he read her diary and that she is still obsessed with my husband. She started taking her walks past my house again this summer (fatal attraction?).

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Why is her husband doing this? What is he hoping to accomplish?

Should I wait

This couple is leagally separated now. I suppose he wanted me to know how obsessed his wife is (about my husband). He gave me some details (about their interludes at my husband's mother's unoccupied house). After hearing that I said "ok, I don't need to hear anymore". This man is devastated about the affair and knows that his wife's ultimate goal is to be with my husband for the rest of her life (in her words, "the man of my dreams"). I really don't want any more details (because it hurts and infuriates me), but I'm also curious since he has this information. I'm wondering if I can use this as proof of this last affair. It's difficult in New York to prove adultery. This is such a sad situation. Last night I was doing research on staying together for the kids sake. Most of the articles I read stressed that it's important to stay (unless there's physical abuse). But, I only have one life (I'm 45) and can't live with him without being miserable, considering. My mind blocks the pain at times (a natural defense?) but there's been so much involved over the years that I don't know if I can forgive and forget. And, all of the therapists I've spoken to (4) say to get him out of my life. My children are so young (9,6 & 4).
My husband wants to do a separation agreement and was dictating to me how it would be (which is totally to his benefit-he's in complete denial). So, unfortunately, I need to plan on filing for divorce (if my lawyer EVER returns my phone calls!).

DANTHONI said:

Last night I was doing research on staying together for the kids sake. Most of the articles I read stressed that it's important to stay (unless there's physical abuse).

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I would add emotional abuse to the reasons to separate.

But, I only have one life (I'm 45) and can't live with him without being miserable, considering. My mind blocks the pain at times (a natural defense?) but there's been so much involved over the years that I don't know if I can forgive and forget. And, all of the therapists I've spoken to (4) say to get him out of my life. My children are so young (9,6 & 4).

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As you said, this is your life. You and your children are the ones who have to live with the decisions that you make. Regardless of what advice you get, the final decision is yours to make.

My husband wants to do a separation agreement and was dictating to me how it would be (which is totally to his benefit-he's in complete denial). So, unfortunately, I need to plan on filing for divorce (if my lawyer EVER returns my phone calls!).

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You don't have to accept your husband's terms and you can always get another lawyer.

It is your life to live and to share as you decide. Just remember that whatever you do affects your children and your ex will be in your lives for many years to come. If you decide that living apart is better for your health, you'll still need to coordinate with him over the children's needs. But, you can do that through a third party if necessary.