help?

17yr.old son gave up baby no-one knew about

What is the name of your state? Washington My son is 17 and I just found out he and his girlfriend had a child 3 weeks ago and placed her for adoption. He was afraid to tell me and thought he would just hide this from his family. Now that I know about this child he is very remorseful and wishes he had made other choices. I am heartbroken he felt he could not confide in me and hope there is someway we could undo this adoption. He very much wants this and I am searching for help.

Although I'm not sure why you posted this 3 times, I'll try to help. Has he talked to representatives that he signed the child over to? I'm not sure of the waiting time in order for parents to change their minds in your state. It may or may not be too late. But consider that they made this decision and if he regrets it he obviously isn't old enough to handle the situation. He may think he can now and you may want to, but a loving family has been given this child and you want to just rip it away from them. I know it's a difficult situation but I think you have all the wrong reasons going for you. He isn't old enough, or responsible enough. The best advice I can give you is to hire an attorney.

Withdrawn for cause.

Think long and hard about what is in the best interest of the CHILD. I know that you are dissapointed that he felt he could not confide in you, but, could YOUR own feeling about that be influencing his very caring decision to provide his child a pair of adult, together parents who are mature and stable, and ready,willing and able to properly PARENT this child?

Read the CS and Child Custody forums. All the broken hearted NCPs whose ex girlfriends got a new hubby or boyfriend and moved cross country, leaving the other parent only able to see their child a few times a year, if that, but burdened with 18-21 years of CS payments that will eventually impact the children they DO get to raise? If the adoption were successfully reversed, odds are high biomom would end up with custody, and in a few years, when she moves on, he'll be waiving bye-bye to his child and possibly alienated from them. Or the poor kid will be stuck being shuffled between two different states, never able to spend summers with their friends.

Think hard about how the financial responsibilty to pay CS to his GF will impact his ability to go on and make something of his life. To go to college and maybe grad school. To give his future children with the future woman he loves a nice life. These two bioparents are KIDS. A baby should have grown-ups as parents. Let your son grow up, do the things 17 year olds SHOULD be doing. Don't pressure him into trying to destroy 5 lives.

Did I mention they chose a single 40+ year old working full time woman to adopt my grand-child? Yes these are kids whom are not ready to be parents but in keeping their secret they did not explore all alternatives or concequences. I do not appreciate my granddaughter being raised in a daycare setting with a woman older than I am as her sole parent!

What kind of upbringing do you think is going to have with teenagers as parents? Think they are quitting school? Think they will ever work? Then daycare is a great option and there is nothing wrong with it. Apparently you think they can just sit home and play with baby for the rest of their lives with no problems and live off of tax payers money. What kind of life is that for a child? What does that teach the child? If she is adopted then she is not your granddaughter any longer. The adoptive parent obviously has the means and was able to get approved, I don't think there is anything wrong with a single loving parent. Do you think your son and girlfriend could pass the same tests she had too? no, they couldn't even afford the tests. I know you think you want to back them now but are you willing to pay for the next 20 years and give up your life for it? Are you prepared to only see it a few times a year? Are you prepared for your son to drop out of school and pump gas to pay child support? I personally think you are trying to let your selfishness ruin not only your son's life but his girlfriends life, and most importantly the baby's life. Right now she has a chance to be better than what her birth parents turned out. Do you want to take that away from her? Why? What do you think the benefits of getting her back is to her?

Is this about YOU, or the baby?

I'm 50, an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. She was in day care as well. Oh, I was pregnant at 42, so I could very well have had a biochild her age, had I not miscarried. Why is being over 40 an "issue" that makes one unfit?

Todays 50 is yesterdays 30!

I have a friend who is a college professor and had her last child at 42. She worked "full-time" also. Her child was in a day care/preschool program. That child is in her teens now, an honor student, a volunteer for several causes, a brilliant violinist, a really nice kid, who is responsible, happy, secure and accomplished. Why is having a mature, settled parent a bad thing?

I am married, but I have many friends in the adoption community who are single parents. Thier kids are their lives. They are involved, informed, attentive, loving and usually financially secure enough to provide their child all sorts of enrichments and opportunites. They are often far more well-informed about matters such as ADHD, SID, and their rights as parents of children in school (as regards IEPS, early intervention, advocacy for their child's educational needs and any SNs) .

okay-chill a little please! What I would like is to raise my grandchild as my own- no strings attached. I want the kids to finish school and get on with their lives without the burden of being young parents. I am happily married mom of 5. Three are still home. Give me a chance to explain my motives which is non-other than to have my family intact. My "kids" are 24, 19, 17, 15 and 4. Parenting is a huge responsibility that I don't take lightly. I know full well what it entails and it would be an honor and a blessing to have the oppertunity to raise my granddaughter.

I dont't think being over 40 is the real issue for me at all. There are many 2 parent younger families longing for a child and are unable to have them. I am looking for answers and not trying to put anyone down for their own situations. I am well aware my age is to my advantage for being informed and wanting the best for my family. I also know what it is like to be a younger parent. My son was not informed of all the pros and cons of each and I am only looking out for my granddaughters best intrest to the best of my ability at this late date for her. I am heartbroken over this situation but still feel blessed she is here and is with a person whom wanted a child very much. I nevertheless will not give up my place in her life as her grandma (ouch) and I want to do what I can to have her in my life. You don't need to respond to me in anger, I am only trying to understand if I have a place at all in my childs decision in this life altering choice he has made without my knowledge.

THe adoptive family may well be open to biofamily contact or an open adoption. Certainly contact the agency/faciltator and find out.

When your son someday marries and has a child with his wife,you wil likely have many opportunities to be grandma to the child/children they raise together.

DO read the child custody forums to see what life is often REALLY like for paternal grandparents of teen, unmarried parents. If you think your heart is broken now, maybe you'd better read on and see what the reality often is. Think how heartbroken you will be when a REAL child you know is torn from your life and you can only see them once or twice a year. Or maybe GF marries a guy in the military someday and they live overseas for 10 years?

Your "place" in your grandchild's life is in no way assured if the adoption is reversed. Even your son's place could be tenuous. Mom would likely end up with custody, and the odds are they will be living far apart most of the child's life. Think ahead 5 years, 7 years, 10 years. Your son could be miserable because his child was allowed to be moved across the country. It happens all the time. Or his kid won't come spend summer break with him because she wants to hang out with friends. Or when his child starts calling his ex's husband "daddy".

cherylj said:

okay-chill a little please! What I would like is to raise my grandchild as my own- no strings attached. I want the kids to finish school and get on with their lives without the burden of being young parents. I am happily married mom of 5. Three are still home. Give me a chance to explain my motives which is non-other than to have my family intact. My "kids" are 24, 19, 17, 15 and 4. Parenting is a huge responsibility that I don't take lightly. I know full well what it entails and it would be an honor and a blessing to have the oppertunity to raise my granddaughter.

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This is not your child. They made a completely selfless decision and now you are interjecting your selfishness into it. You didn't create this child, they did. They also did the best possible thing they could have in this situation.

Your family is still intact. The child has his/her own family now. You should be happy your 17 year old son and his young girlfriend didn't turn a bad situation into a horrible situation for the child, and instead, gave the child every possible advantage. They should be congratulated, not made to feel guilty for their act of pure love.