What will happen?

What is the name of your state? California

I am a Chinese citizen and I got married in China to a US citizen last December. We loved each other very much, at least I thought so until 2 months ago. Right now we are living apart by the ocean, him in the States and me in China.

Since we are 6000 miles apart, the only way that we commincate is through emails and phone calls. But starting from May, my husband all of a sudden wouldn't pick up my phone calls any more. I couldn't get hold of him, and I didn't know what was going on. There were a couple of times that I did coincidently manage to get hold of him because I was on the phone with his kids and he happened to step in. Until then he told me that he wasn't ready for a marriage even though he loves me. He was afraid that he is gonna make me misserible. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't know. The situation has been going on for over 2 months and the only information I got from him was he wasn't ready. But he didn't tell me whether he wanted to have a divorce or not. So my question is, we got married in China and the marriage was notorized in China. If either of us wants to file a divorce if we really couldn't work it out, should it be filed in China or in the states? Can this procedure be taken without the physical presence of either of us? Because problems have to be solved one way or other.

My second question is I heard from some one that it's not illegal for a married person to have extra-merrital affair in California, is this true? Does it mean that if my husband is having an affair, as long as he doesn't marry that woman he can just keep it like that having me dangling here? I am not saying that he is having an affair right now, but as I mentioned before, since he refused to have any contact with me, I don't know what's flying obove there.

Thank whomever is willing to answer those questions for me?

hoopke said:

What is the name of your state? California

I am a Chinese citizen and I got married in China to a US citizen last December. We loved each other very much, at least I thought so until 2 months ago. Right now we are living apart by the ocean, him in the States and me in China.

Since we are 6000 miles apart, the only way that we commincate is through emails and phone calls. But starting from May, my husband all of a sudden wouldn't pick up my phone calls any more. I couldn't get hold of him, and I didn't know what was going on. There were a couple of times that I did coincidently manage to get hold of him because I was on the phone with his kids and he happened to step in. Until then he told me that he wasn't ready for a marriage even though he loves me. He was afraid that he is gonna make me misserible. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't know. The situation has been going on for over 2 months and the only information I got from him was he wasn't ready. But he didn't tell me whether he wanted to have a divorce or not. So my question is, we got married in China and the marriage was notorized in China. If either of us wants to file a divorce if we really couldn't work it out, should it be filed in China or in the states? Can this procedure be taken without the physical presence of either of us? Because problems have to be solved one way or other.

My second question is I heard from some one that it's not illegal for a married person to have extra-merrital affair in California, is this true? Does it mean that if my husband is having an affair, as long as he doesn't marry that woman he can just keep it like that having me dangling here? I am not saying that he is having an affair right now, but as I mentioned before, since he refused to have any contact with me, I don't know what's flying obove there.

Thank whomever is willing to answer those questions for me?

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My response:

The question is not "where" a divorce can take place, the question, rather, is "can" it take place. In other words, you've never mentioned how long he's been here in California since the marriage, or whether he was a resident of a particular Province in China. But, assuming he's been in California for at least 6 months, and in the same County for at least 3 months, then California has jurisdiction over him. So, if that's the case, he can file a Petition for Dissolution (divorce) in the County where he resides in California. And no, you don't have to be present. California is a "No Fault" Dissolution State (remember, there are 50 States in the United States, of which California is only one) and anyone can obtain a Dissolution for, virtually, no reason whatsoever. It takes 6 months for it to become final, but that's about it. There's no "forcing" anyone to remain married - - no matter where in the World a person may have been married.

As for affairs, you heard correctly. There is no law against having an extramarital affair in California. It doesn't matter to the courts, or anyone else, whether you're married or not if you're having an affair. This is the "Land of Freedom", and the government attempts to stay out of peoples lives and bedrooms. In other words, no one cares. Nor should they.

I can't tell you why he won't contact you. I guess, in this case, "distance is not making the heart grow fonder."

Good luck.

IAAL

Dear IAAL,

Thank you very much for your answer. He has stayed in California for as long as 30 years, so yeah, California does have jurisdiction over him.

Let me get it right, what you are saying is that it doesn't even need my signature of whatever, he can just file a dissolution of Marriage and get it in 6 months time. Then I get a copy or maybe nothing, and bagn, I am a divorced woman without even knowing what's happened to my marriage?

hoopke said:

Dear IAAL,

Thank you very much for your answer. He has stayed in California for as long as 30 years, so yeah, California does have jurisdiction over him.

Let me get it right, what you are saying is that it doesn't even need my signature of whatever, he can just file a dissolution of Marriage and get it in 6 months time. Then I get a copy or maybe nothing, and bagn, I am a divorced woman without even knowing what's happened to my marriage?

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My response:

Your writing style is just like a Westerner would write. And your English usage is nearly perfect. It is impeccable for someone who is Chinese, because you're using a grammar style and punctuation of someone who is intimately familiar with the English language. For example, your use of apostrophes and contractions are correct; your writing style is that of someone who is highly educated. So, before I go any further with you on your issues and questions, I want to know your background, and are you really from China? You are intriguing me.

IAAL

Dear IAAl,

For quite a moment, I have some difficulties put my thoughts together. I was a little suspicious about why you want to know more background of me. But any way, I am here, worried, sad, disturbed, searching for advice that I have no preknowledge of, so I better believe everybody is coming with goodwill. If my background can help you give me more specific suggestions regarding what I can do, then sharing it wouldn't flush me any further down to the toilet.

I am 100% Chinese and I happen to know English a little bit better than most of my peers here in China. I met my husband 2 years ago when he came to visit the company I am working for. During the whole time, there were ups and downs. But hey, give me one marriage that isn't like that. We decided to get married last year in December in China because my mom and dad couldn't go to the States at that time. We also applied Immigrant visa for me so that we can be together. Oceans are beautiful, but when you and your spouse are at each bank, they start to loose their attractiveness. I prefer him coming to China but his ex-wife would never allow him to take the kids, especially the daughter with him. And that just ruled out the only option. We got our petition approved and now we were following the procedures. He and his parents came to China in April, spent great time with my folks and everything seemed moving just fine until 2 months ago.

I love my husband and I want him to be happy. If you ask me whether I want a divorce, the answer is NO, NO, NO. All the troubles and disturbances were caused by the distance on which we are working to shorten and eventually annihilate. But if he thinks marrying me was a mistake and he wouldn't be happy staying in it, then fine, I will set him free. Doesn't you guys have a saying goes," If you really love someone, let he go. If he comes back, he will never leave. And if he doesn't, he was never yours." But at least I want him to tell me that's what he wants and have the decency to tell me fact to face.

I don't know how experienced in the family law field you are but I assume more than where I stand. So, I just want to know is this "land of freedom" only protecting her own children. Aren't we supposed to be loved and cherrished the same regardless of races, nationalities and religions? I don't know whether you are a man or a woman. But please tell me, as a wife, don't I deserve some legitimate assistance to find out what's really going wrong with my marraige before the support system is shut down by the "free law"?

I am not here trying to bash or even judge the superemacy of the American law system, I am only here trying to find something that might be able to create some small obstacles so that when people want to disolve their marriages and retract their commitments, they'll at least think a little bit more about the consequences that their decisions are going to incur to themselves and their spouses. It takes about 3 years to bring a foreign spouse into the country let alone loads of paper work processed, physical evidence required and money spent. But it only needs 6 months to finalize a dissolution of marriage, not even requiring the physical presence of the party who is just gonna be thrown out into a never land? I am dumfounded. My Chinese built brain cells haven't learned to how process that type of information yet.

I don't expect you to sympathize me, or to say the less, agree with me. If you are still willing to help me, I thank you. If you don't, no grudge. At least I got myself an audience, at least once.

thanks and have a good day

It is one of the sad elements of our western culture, and it may be our downfal. It wasn't always so, and it has nothing to do with race, nationality, or protection of our citizens. It has more to do with people who make comittments and then don't honor them. It saddens me to hear that your new husband has chosen the coward's way out of your marriage. It is worse that he dishonors not only himself, but all men and our country by not standing face to face with you to explain himself. But unfortunately not all males are men.

If he does not have the courage to communicate with you, and does not have the sense of righteousness to do right by you, perhaps it is best that you let him walk his way. You can do better than him I'm sure.

hoopke said:

Dear IAAL,

Thank you very much for your answer. He has stayed in California for as long as 30 years, so yeah, California does have jurisdiction over him.

Let me get it right, what you are saying is that it doesn't even need my signature of whatever, he can just file a dissolution of Marriage and get it in 6 months time. Then I get a copy or maybe nothing, and bagn, I am a divorced woman without even knowing what's happened to my marriage?

Click to expand...

My response:

Thank you, Hoopke. I enjoyed reading your response. You are obviously well educated and your command of the English language is wonderful. Yes, there were a couple of mistakes, but those mistakes really amounted to nothing. You're an interesting person, and I'm sorry you're having trouble with your marriage.

However, let me answer your latest questions. I didn't say you needed to sign anything, because you don't. But, he must have you served with the paperwork because, presumably, he knows where you live. Once you're served with the papers, you can do one of two things - - 1) You can hire a California Family Law attorney to represent you or, 2) You can just leave it alone and allow a default to be entered by the court, and then wait for the balance of 6 months to expire, at which time, your final order of Dissolution will be signed by the judge. Then, in order for the Dissolution to take effect, he'll have to prove to the court that you were served with the final Decree of Dissolution.

There's really no sense to opposing his Petition, if and when he files it and has you served because, eventually, the Dissolution wil be granted. Also, since there are no children "of the marriage", and no property to divide, there's really nothing to fight over. In short, you can't stop him from obtaining a Dissolution of the marriage.

Try and have a good life. I'll be ordering Chinese take-out for dinner! By the way, in China, can you order American food and have it delivered to your home? Heck, for that matter, do they even have American food where you live?

IAAL

dallas702 said:

It is one of the sad elements of our western culture, and it may be our downfal. It wasn't always so, and it has nothing to do with race, nationality, or protection of our citizens. It has more to do with people who make comittments and then don't honor them. It saddens me to hear that your new husband has chosen the coward's way out of your marriage. It is worse that he dishonors not only himself, but all men and our country by not standing face to face with you to explain himself. But unfortunately not all males are men.

If he does not have the courage to communicate with you, and does not have the sense of righteousness to do right by you, perhaps it is best that you let him walk his way. You can do better than him I'm sure.

Click to expand...

My response:

Dallas - - doesn't this young lady sound wonderful? She's intelligent, and "has her finger on the right buttons." I'll bet she's absolutely gorgeous, too!

Too bad that her husband sounds like such a loser.

IAAL

IAAL;

I agree. If I wasn't happily married I'd want to meet her (in China or here).

Thank the 2 of you first for the legal advice and then the nice words. No culture is perfect, just as no man is. But the two of you surely demonstrated what I've always tried and managied to believe: kindness and understanding of people. It already made me feel much better knowing there are willing ears and hearts within reachable distance when you need them.

My husband is a scared man who is going through a lot of pressure with too many issues in his mind. He picked up the one he thought was the biggest problem hoping that by solving it or simply running away from it would bring some peace back into his life. It's been said that once a man, always a boy. They grow older, but the wisdom doesn't always come along. Therefore, maybe this is the time that he can catch up with his so that next time when he steps into a marriage, he will be much more ready and committed. Does it hurt that I have to be the trainer? Yes, it has cut my heart into pieces that are too small to be put back together. Guess I just need to find stronger glue.

IAAL, thank you for your detailed legal advice and your correction of my English. I will try to do better next time. I never considered opposing it if he ever files a Petition. Loving someone is never putting a "Taken" stamp on his/her forehead and make him/her our properties. From where I come from, to love is to give, without a slightest attempt to get anything in return. What's more, our life isn't made of the days we spent, but of the memories we choose to remember. So should this marriage be disolved, I can still tell myself that I loved and was loved. Isn't that more important?

From your question, I presume you've never been to China. It might still take some time for us to catch up with small details such as 1000 different flavors of icecream, but we've got almost everything you guys have: KFC, Mcdonal, Burgerking, PizzaHut..... You name it, we probably can find it somewhere. On top of that, we also have tons of western restaurants littered in the city. They might not be as authentic as they are back in your country, but just like the Chinese food you are having isn't real Chinese food either.

China has devloped in an amazing way. Being a citizen here, if you don't go to your normal joint for more than 3 months, chances of you not being able to recognize it are very fat. Hope someday you can come to this part of the world, and feel it yourself. If you go to some big cities like Shanghai, Beijing. you wouldn't even feel the differences from any other metropolitans. The language maybe, but hey I am not the only one speaking English.

Take care and really appreciate your help

hoopke

My response:

I think I have fallen in love.

IAAL

....................

haha, that's a funny. but thank you any way. Hope the Chinese food went well.

Iaal

I was so impressed! Professional, intelligent,heartfelt answers, then...........the real you came out in the end. What are you doing on this website?

Maybe looking for the perfect mate.

Dang, it might take a trip to China.