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abuse and power

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dynamic

Guest
Thank you, but...
Locks would not be enough, the windows are easy to get in.
Surveillance system is expensive, and the court kicked me out of the house where I practiced, so I lost my clientele for 2 months, and have not recovered yet. I am struggling to feed my kids and pay the most pressant bills.
He is also intimidating the kids to let him in. When I complained to the police, I was told to be understanding. The childrend wanted to show Dad their projects.

He gets into my email... I keep changing it, but that does not work to conduct business.

He keeps smiling and saying "prove it". How can I prove that he raped me repeatedly; it was behind closed doors, and I held a pillow in front of my mouth so the kids would not hear my screams. He told the mediator it was just a politically correct statement to make. How can I prove that he called my friend to intimidate her at night? How can I prove we had loaded guns scattered in the house, and that he would leave them on the kitchen table, fully loaded?

I feel powerful as a practitioner, as a workshop teacher, as a mother, as the president of a business women's group, yet totally powerless to fight my divorce situation.

Money seems to be power, and I don't have it right now. What can I do?
 


T

Tigres

Guest
Put locks on the windows too... :) What kind do you have? Unless they are homestead windows, you can always make them more secure.

Find someone to watch the kids in your home or theirs. IF they are old enough that you are able to leave them alone, theay are old enough that they can behave for someone else. A friend if no one else can!

HOW is he getting into your email? Generally, you need a password AND knowledge of what the email address is.

You can't prove it, can you? Ok, here's what you do. You scream next time. I know, brings the kids in. BUT, remember, your children are greatly influenced by you as they grow up. The fact that you allow this to happen, rather than scream, gives you a victims personality. As a victim, who is still a victim and not yet a survivor instead, you are raising victims. You press criminal charges on all past incidents. You stand up for yourself every possible way you can.

Oh, and while I wouldn't advocate keeping a weapon under the pillow (a. you have kids b. it could be turned on you in a struggle) why not keep a phone there? Put a dab of super glue on the buttons for on, 9 and 1. Take a self defense class. If you can't afford the fees, pull the instructor aside and explain why you are taking them. Offer to pay SOMETHING even if it is just $5 a session.

You are a witness to what happened. You know. The charges may not go through this time, but if he does it again, you WILL struggle enough that he will leave enough signs of force that they will go through. PLAN.

Your friend is a witness to the phone call. He called her house, yes? Have her contact the phone company and explain that someone called her to intimidate. Get a copy of all incoming calls that night. He called from your house? Get a copy of your outgoing calls.

You are a witness to the guns. Anyone else? The kids if no one else? I hear you. You don't want to get them involved. My dear, if this man has done all you have said (and I am sure somethings you haven't) they ARE involved.

Go to a local domestic violence group or shelter and plead with them to direct you to an attorney who will help you out by taking payments. Show your new attorney your books from your business as proof that you are good for the money.

If you have anything else to add, click on the post reply button, try not to start too many new threads, k? Take Control of what you can. Request a temporary restraining order, and then gather your evidence.

Tig

P.S. If he is able to get into your email, you may want to make sure you are not receiving email notifications from this board as it would surely lead him to exactly where you are getting your advice.

"A woman is a lot like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water."

Your in hot water babe.


[Edited by Tigres on 12-04-2000 at 11:58 AM]
 
D

dynamic

Guest
been there, done that

Thanks Tigres,

I have taken self-defense. The rapes have stopped about 1 1/2 year ago, and yes I should have screamed and let people know. It's too late to go back. Lots of things I would have done differently, had I known: I thought I was protecting my children... not so.

I did go to a crisis shelter... I am even teaching stress releasing techniques there now, BUT it does not remove the constant emotional stabbing, only my responses to it. And the legal advocates are as frustrated as I am. We keep hitting the wall with the court orders that were issued.

Did a lot of thinking this week-end. I see that I am battling on 2 fronts:

1) divorce, and the nasty stuff that can go with it

2) fighting the so-called "justice" system, and that's where I would like your input.

I went to an abuse shelter in Marin County - we faxed an "act of good" deed with the D.A., called the sheriff station in Mariposa and Tuolumne county, letting them know I had not kidnapped the children, but ran away to safety. (I got a free lawyer in Marin, to file for legal separation, but she cannot do anything in the county where I have my residence - Mariposa, and there is no legal help available here.)

In the meantime, my ex retained an attorney, and the court issued an order that gave my ex full custody of the children, the house, the van, following a bunch of lies and twisted information he gave his attorney. Results:

He had 2 houses - I was homeless
I had a practice in my home - I lost my clientele, and had no income, and no money; I lived at clients' home for a month, and they fed me and gave me a car and gas money.

I filed a complaint with Victim's Witness (at the D.A.'s office). The guy said that they had received the fax, and that my ex should have been put in jail many times, yet he got the children, and the rest.
I have plenty of witnesses (including psychologists and MDs) that can testify that I am an excellent mother. My ex- allegations are not true, and, according to social workers, even if true were not enough to take children away from their mother (did 2 roll-throughs at stop signs, missed a house payment, and took a 4-day business trip to Colorado). I know, it sounds crazy... it is! I did not have a hearing, until a month later.

I tried to file a restraining order... did not go through, as it was the same judge who signed the first order.

The second order gave me the house back, and partial custody of the children (whom I had always home-schooled), but no vehicle for me to do networking and continue to build my practice here and in Marin County. My schedule was not taken into consideration.

Where do I find an attorney that takes divorce problems on a contingency? the ones I have consulted(7) don't want to touch the case, because of the many not quite "kosher" court orders.

Are courts answerable to any authority? (Like MD's to the AMA?). When I filed for divorce, I was under the impression that the law was the same everywhere. Not so. Mariposa is a very small, religious community, and it seems to bear on the results.

I keep changing my email addresses. No, it's not possible to secure my home... he can be nasty from the outside anyway. He shut off my long distance telephone, turns on the water faucet outside and lets the water run (I pay the bill),... But he is sick, and I cannot expect him to reason. However the justice system should not protect him. And that's who I have a bone to pick with.

My attorney used the 2000$ I gave him, and got no results.
I saw him 20 min. before the court session. He stapled the papers I gave him to the court papers, giving my ex- my full detailed plan on how I was planning to make it (and obviously, I had to change my plans). The money was spent on calls he made to my ex- attorney, but I still don't have a telephone, a car, security, or a sane schedule for the children, and have not been able to rebuild my practice... and the money is gone.

I used your quote in my last monthly meeting with the group of women entrepreneurs of whom I am President. Boy, am I finding how strong I am (it's about time), although quite frustrated with the justice system, and the depth of mean-ness some people can go to.

Another quote I found this week-end: "Most people loose it because they major in the minors!"

To me, my "major" in this situation is the court system, not my ex (who is sick).

What are your thoughts about going after the court - is there a way? I was going to send articles to newspapers, TV, NOW organization, ACLU,... "The Court shut down my practice and kicked me out of my home!" or "By court order, I have to drive a vehicle that's not legal to be on the streets, to see my children" or "She cannot work, but she has to pay... us". This solution seems nasty though, and it's not my forte. It's more venting my frustration.

What can I do to get justice? The crisis centers are as frustrated as I am. It's quite a common problem, apparently.

Sorry for the long epistle - Hope it's the last one.

Thank you,
Dynamic

 
F

freedom54

Guest
Dynamic,
I've been there and have been wondering the same thing. I was in a shelter and made the mistake of letting my ex have the kids for what was supposed to be an hour and he took off with them for the weekend and bright and early Monday morning filed for divorce which granted him custody of the kids. He made up lies, the courts believed him, he continues to take me through legal bs every once in awhile just to make my life a living nightmare. I was terrified of him, still am. Don't give in, and don't trust anything he says. You know what's true. Stick to your guns. I'll let you know if I get anywhere.

 
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Tigres

Guest
Glad to hear you are doing your best.

One more security tip? One can put a lock on an outside faucet. My brother's landlord has a lock on their faucet. I'll see if I can find out more information for you or you can always try home depot. No point in making it EASY for him, yes? :)

The problem is financial in the end, is it not? *sigh* When fleeing, we tend to run like heck at first and worry about the future later. Unfortunately, that is the best we can do most of the time! :(

I can not help you with taking on the justice system unfortunately. I wish I could. Here is a thought though, at any time did he lie to the courts that you can prove? You could go after him for monetary damages from perjury possibly. I would definitely go to all the resources you can come up with. Reporters, Advocacy groups, etc. Not just for yourself, but for others.

We all would have done things differently in our lives. Freedom54, I am still terrified of my ex. For good reason. I won't meet him in a private place, and I have done my damndest (excuse the language please) to avoid being with out witnesses. He sent his lawyer to court with a bunch of lies, but, unfortunately for him, he was stopped in his tracks.

Keep in touch dynamic, you never know when something comes up that we could help with! :)

Tig

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