Humor

An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from after.'"

Blonde Lebinese said:

An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from after.'"

Click to expand...

**A: you messed up the punch line. The word is afar.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

HomeGuru said:

**A: you messed up the punch line. The word is afar.

Click to expand...

Darn rednecks , never get it right ..

A Head In Elevator


A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says, “Boy he could use some head and shoulders.” The blonde says, “Hm. How do you give shoulders?”
Ouch ...

HomeGuru said:

**A: you messed up the punch line. The word is afar.

Click to expand...

Darn rednecks , never get it right ..

Farmer Joe


Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Joe in court.

'Didn't you say, 'I'm fine, ' at the accident scene?' Mr. Green asks.

'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy, ' says Farmer Joe.

'I'm not asking for details, ' Mr. Green says. 'Just answer the question.'

'I am, ' Farmer Joe says. 'I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessy into the trailer when...'

'Didn't you tell the state trooper that you were fine?' Mr. Green interrupts.

The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Joe tell his story the way he wants to.

'So, anyway, ' says Farmer Joe. 'I loaded Bessy in the trailer and started driving down the highway when a huge semi-truck ran a stop sign and smacked into the right side of my truck.

'I was thrown into one ditch and Bessy was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move, ' Farmer Joe says.

'Then a state trooper came by and I heard him talking about Bessy. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessy stopped moaning, ' Farmer Joe says.

'What does this story have to do with anything?' Mr. Green asks.

'The state trooper walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you doing?''

You have screwed up pretty much every one of the 'jokes' you have posted. I don't see where ANY real comedians should be concerned about you taking their 'gigs'.

"The three wise men came from after.'"
Should have been "The three wise men came from afar.'"

"A tall blonde and a tall brunette are stading in an elevator."
What is 'stading'????

Blame it all on the humor site ...

Blonde Lebinese said:

Blame it all on the humor site ...

Click to expand...

**A: yup, go ahead and blame the site.

HomeGuru said:

**A: yup, go ahead and blame the site.

Click to expand...

Redneck And The Gorilla


A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First, " he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well, " said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

As a transplanted 'Southern Gentleman', I was interested in finding out where the term 'redneck' came from.... and was surprised to find that it is Scottish (as is my ancestry!).

"The origins of this term Redneck are Scottish and refer to supporters of the National Covenant and The Solemn League and Covenant, or "Covenanters", largely Lowland Presbyterians, many of whom would flee Scotland for Ulster (Northern Ireland) during persecutions by the British Crown. The Covenanters of 1638 and 1641 signed the documents that stated that Scotland desired the Presbyterian form of church government and would not accept the Church of England as its official state church.

Many Covenanters signed in their own blood and wore red pieces of cloth around their necks as distinctive insignia; hence the term "Red neck", (rednecks) which became slang for a Scottish dissenter*. One Scottish immigrant, interviewed by the author, remembered a Presbyterian minister, one Dr. Coulter, in Glasgow in the 1940's wearing a red clerical collar -- is this symbolic of the "rednecks"?

Since many Ulster-Scottish settlers in America (especially the South) were Presbyterian, the term was applied to them, and then, later, their Southern descendants. One of the earliest examples of its use comes from 1830, when an author noted that "red-neck" was a "name bestowed upon the Presbyterians."
http://www.scotshistoryonline.co.uk/rednecks/rednecks.html

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1557062/posts


Kilt-wearing Missouri high school boy wins apology
Yahoo news ^ | Jan 11,2006

Posted on 01/12/2006 5:19:33 PM PST by AmericanMade1776

A Missouri high school student who was barred from a school dance because he was wearing a Scottish kilt has received an apology from school officials after the action sparked outrage among Scottish heritage supporters

In a letter dated January 9, Jackson School District Superintendent Ron Anderson apologized to Jackson High School senior Nathan Warmack and said the district would train staffers how to properly apply the school dress code.

The letter came after more than two months of debate and discussion about the actions of school officials when they asked Warmack, who is of Scottish descent, to change into trousers before entering the dance on November 5.

News of the event sparked an Internet petition, which was ultimately signed by more than 10,000 supporters and championed by the Clan Gunn Society of North America, which promotes Scottish heritage and traditions.

"Individual members felt like there had been an injustice to the young man," said society president Rich Gunn.

(Excerpt) Read more at news.yahoo.com ...

What do you call a male octopus?

John Engler, Governor
Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building, PO Box 30473,
Lansing MI 48909-7973

Russell J. Harding, Director

December 17, 1997

Mr. Ryan DeVries
[address deleted]
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative

Land and Water Management Division


----Reply Letter----


Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at [the address in question] - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going toarrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

A blonde is driving along a road when she sees another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a wheat field. This upsets her so she pulls over and hollers at the blonde in the boat "Hey, you are making all of us blondes look dumb and if I knew how to swim I would come out there and kick your butt."