no trust in marriage, husband asked me to sign a waiver of homestead

I've been married for 8 months now. My Husband and I don't have joint accounts. I am not allowed to open his mail. He bought a house before we got engaged. Now he is refinancing the house. He set up an appointment to meet with the title company tomorrow. He asked me to sign a waiver of homestead. We live in Illinois. I was told in Illinois it is a law that the spouse signs a document which will acknowledge the fact that this transaction is taking place. I am really confused on what to do. I feel as though he should be adding me to the home but instead he wants me to sign a document which waives my right to the house. I don't care to be part of the house. I am concern that if we get divorced this will effect me in a different way like I won't be able to get any kind of spousal support. What should I do. I am being very brief right now. I am experiencing a difficult marriage right now. One more thing I have to note is that my debt or credit history is not one of the reasons why he is not adding me to the home. Please respond as soon as you can. thank you.

marcy said:

I've been married for 8 months now. My Husband and I don't have joint accounts. I am not allowed to open his mail. He bought a house before we got engaged. Now he is refinancing the house. He set up an appointment to meet with the title company tomorrow. He asked me to sign a waiver of homestead. We live in Illinois. I was told in Illinois it is a law that the spouse signs a document which will acknowledge the fact that this transaction is taking place. I am really confused on what to do. I feel as though he should be adding me to the home but instead he wants me to sign a document which waives my right to the house. I don't care to be part of the house. I am concern that if we get divorced this will effect me in a different way like I won't be able to get any kind of spousal support. What should I do. I am being very brief right now. I am experiencing a difficult marriage right now. One more thing I have to note is that my debt or credit history is not one of the reasons why he is not adding me to the home. Please respond as soon as you can. thank you.

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My response:

If your marriage is that shaky, then refuse to sign anything. Tell him that since everything is separate, that you would need to consult your own, separate, attorney before anything is signed.

IAAL

I wish it was that easy but its not. Our relationship has been shaky for the past 5 months. Right now we are finally getting along. Sometimes I think that he is being nice to me because he wants me to sign this document. I hope my thoughts are wrong. What concerns me is that he doesn't trust me for reasons unknow. Therefore, we don't have joint accounts. Right after we got married he asked me to close my account so he could add me to his, well that never happened. Then he asked me to have my payroll check direct deposited into an account with his name only, because I didn't have any accounts at the time. I waited 3 months for him to add me to this one account that never happened. I finally decided to open my own checking and savings. He got very upset. He thought I went against him, I step over him, I disrespected him, therefore, this was grounds for him to get a divorce. I told him to do it. I was not planning on closing my accounts. He then told me to give him $1,000 a month so he can pay my bills and part of the household expense. I said I wasn't. My plan was to save some money. He again got very upset. To date I have given him $500 for last month. I am not planning on giving him anymore of my money. He has his own company, make 10 times more money than I do. He just doesn't want me to be independent. There is so much more to this I can't continue right now. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

It sounds like you are a renter in this house instead of his wife. What kind of relationship did you guys have BEFORE you got married? Did he control you then? I would see a lawyer immediately. This man is nuts. Is he a lot older than you? My husband and I will be celebrating our 1st anniversary in a couple days (January 1) and I cannot even imagine either one of us treating the other in that manner.

My response:

There is a very simple, and logical, reason why your husband is acting the way he does - - you married a Middle Eastern man, didn't you ? Probably Iraqi or Iranian.

IAAL

marcy said:

I wish it was that easy but its not. Our relationship has been shaky for the past 5 months. Right now we are finally getting along. Sometimes I think that he is being nice to me because he wants me to sign this document. I hope my thoughts are wrong. What concerns me is that he doesn't trust me for reasons unknow. Therefore, we don't have joint accounts. Right after we got married he asked me to close my account so he could add me to his, well that never happened. Then he asked me to have my payroll check direct deposited into an account with his name only, because I didn't have any accounts at the time. I waited 3 months for him to add me to this one account that never happened. I finally decided to open my own checking and savings. He got very upset. He thought I went against him, I step over him, I disrespected him, therefore, this was grounds for him to get a divorce. I told him to do it. I was not planning on closing my accounts. He then told me to give him $1,000 a month so he can pay my bills and part of the household expense. I said I wasn't. My plan was to save some money. He again got very upset. To date I have given him $500 for last month. I am not planning on giving him anymore of my money. He has his own company, make 10 times more money than I do. He just doesn't want me to be independent. There is so much more to this I can't continue right now. Let me know what you think. Thank you.

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Wake up and smell the coffee!! get out now before he takes total control of your life and then starts beating you. I agree with IAAL, sounds like a middle eastern or Asian male..

For your own sake, get out now.

I am 31 yrs old Mexican/American (non practicing catholic). I'll be 32 in March. He is a 35 years old successful Jewish (non practicing too) he was born in the states. I lived at my parents till I was 27 yrs. old. I then relocated to California because I was dating a guy who lived out there. I had been dating him for 3 years, 1 1/2 was long distance. We (me & my x) decided that we were going to live together. I told him I would live with him for 2 years and if by then he wasn't ready to commit, I was going to move back. Well, I end up living w/him for 3 1/2 yrs with no kind of commitment. Five month before I met my H, I decide that it was time for me to make the move back home. During that time I met him (my husband). I think the main reason why my H doesn't trust me is because of how we met. I was still living with my x when I started dating him. Our relationship went forward rather quickly. We dated long distance for about 5 months (saw each other maybe 4 weekends). One month after my return to the Midwest we were engaged. I knew we were going to get engaged. I just didn't know it was going to take place that soon. We talked about getting engaged in 3 months not one month later. Our plan was to get married 11 months later, but the place where we wanted to have the reception wasn't avail. We then moved up the wedding 5 months (which was a mistake). So we met, dated, were engaged in total of 11 months. The month before the wedding, the wedding was called off 5 times. Sometime I wish I ‘d been strong enough to stick to my decision back then.

I guess he was like this before we got married. His demands were about spending time together or him controlling my money. Yes, I let him handle my money even before we got married.

I have asked him to listen to or watch Dr. Phil on TV. I have asked him for us to seek counseling. He refuses to seek for any kind of help. So I decided to go to counseling on my own. I’ve seen her a couple times. I don’t know if it’s helped me much. I fee as though he needs to be there in order for it to work. The counselor is someone whom I can talk to when I need to.

When I bring up the issues I have with him, he tries to blame me for what’s going on. I accept the fact that I am part at fault, but he is more at fault then I am and can't accept it. His solution is for us to go our separate ways instead of giving in and save our marriage. I really do hate to think about divorce. I want us to resolve our issues but it can't happen without him wanting the same.

Well, now that he doesn’t need me to sign waivers of homestead, he doesn’t need to be nice anymore. New Years eve, we were getting ready to go to his sisters. So, I said to him "lets go rey" (meaning "let go king"). He asked me what that meant and I told him. His response was somewhere in the effect of "I'm glad you finally realized it". Meaning I'm glad you accept the fact that I'm the king. Well, I then decided to take back what I said. He got all upset with me, because I took it back. Then he wanted an apology from me for taking it back. I apologized for calling him a king and for taking it back. That wasn’t good enough for him. I told him I took back what I said because of the comment he made and his cocky attitude. He said that wasn’t his intension. We didn't wish each other a happy new year went to bed at 11:30 and that was that. The next day he said 2000 was the worst year of his life and I agreed I told him it was the worst for me too. I also told him it was worst then when I was living in California. He didn't like hearing that. Yesterday, he asked me to go to the grocery store for him (to get food for his dinner). I complained because I was home in my pajamas, with this weather I don't care to go out after I am home comfortable. I told him he should have asked me before I left the office. Anyway, I did end up going to the store for him. He then was upset because when he came home from the gym I hadn't started on his dinner. I told him he didn't ask me to do it. He thinks I am not ready to be a wife. I never want to pick up after him, because I then feel as though he is my master. He thinks the cleaning lady pick up after him (which is not true). I told him how am I suppose to be a wife to him when he doesn't treat me like one either. He hides his passwords to everything and doesn't include me in anything that has to do with finances. Right before he went to bed he came up to the room where I was watching TV and told me he had made a decision. His decision is that we should separate for a month, for me to go home to my moms. He also said that he is moving forward and he is not going back on his decisions anymore. What do you think of this, is he crazy or what? What pissed him off more was the fact that I haven't pickup the messes he’s made in the house the past couple days. I’ve been to upset at him to do it for him, so I’ve had him do it.

I told him “now that I don't have to sign anymore waivers of homestead you have gone back to your normal self”. “There is no reason why you have to be nice to me.” All he said was that I am crazy. I said, "no you are, you just proved me right".
I know I need to get out. What I don’t know is if I should just move all my belonging out or move some things out. There is no room at my mom’s house. Should I ask him to get me a place to stay at? What will happen if I just leave? I’m confused. Please help. I appreciate your concern. I know I'm in a lot of trouble here. I also know that if I was strong enough to leave a 7-year relationship. I can be strong enough to leave this one. It's not what I want, but I can't subject myself to more mental abuse. Thank you all for your replies.

Whew, I am tired for you ! But really, I think that this man is just trying to control you and since you are the strong person that you are, he is finding a way out. He can't handle the fact that you are making decision's for yourself.

If he wants a seperation, my response would be, OK, you leave. I would not let him control me anymore and make you move to your mom's. Why uproot your life? And definately do not sign anything or let him control your money. Are you his wife or his child?

I was married to an older man like this before and when I was younger, I let him control me, he used to check my mileage, ask to see receipts, etc. As I grew older and realized that I already had a father that raised me, I got a backbone and left the relationship. And yes, he too thought counseling was ridiculous.

You are on the right path, stay in counseling, keep your head up and tell him to jump off a cliff when it comes to controlling any aspect of your life!

Shari

I am really considering getting a divorce. My question is what am I entitled too after only being married for 8 months? We never had joint accounts. I had been giving him my paychecks and he gave me $400 dollars a month for spending (gas, lunch, misc. things, etc). If I wanted to buy clothes he would buy it for me. For the past 2 months I haven't given him my checks but I still don't have any money ($1,500 in savings). What is the proper way to do this? Do I ask him for money or Do I have him decided what he should give me for the grief he’s put me through?

This morning I told him that if he wants me to move out for 30 days, I want it in writing. He said he wasn't going to give me anything. I then told him I wasn't moving out and if he wants me out he should contact his lawyer to prepare the divorce papers.

He feels as though I haven't been a wife to him. I told him it’s not fair he feels that way just because I haven’t been picking up after him or cook his dinner the other night. I told him the reason I haven't done it is because I've been to upset with him to show any concern. He didn't think that was a good reason for me to act the way I've been acting. I know he doesn’t want a divorce. He wants me to give in and I don’t think I want to do that. I love him very much and I don’t want a divorce either.

Get rid of this jerk

My god, I think anyone can plainly see that this guy is extremely controlling and like someone else said, it's only a matter of time before he starts getting physical to control you. You might think you love the guy, but he's not showing any love towards you. He's treating you like his slave. I'm about the same age as you (30) and there's no way in HELL I would allow anyone to control me like that. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Stop giving him your money, stop making excuses for him, stop apologizing to him and RUN, don't walk to the nearest lawyer you can find. No one needs to be treated like that. If he's not willing to go to counseling and not willing to accept blame for anything, then I wouldn't hold your breath expecting him to change anytime soon.

When I was 18 yrs old I was in a really bad relationship, mentally abusive, very, very controlling, jealous, the relationship was bad. I had a part-time job and basically supported this guy. He finally broke it off with me after a year over something stupid. He would always call it off for no good reason. I finally had enough and decided that if he came back to me I was going to be strong enough not to take him back. It was such a relief not being in this horrible relationship. Back then I thought it was the worst time of my life. I didn’t date for a year a half. I hated men. My mother thought I needed to seek counseling. As soon as I felt better I did start dating. I always dated professional, successful men who had a lot going for them. I never dated controlling men, until I met my husband.

I have always been a strong woman. I learned so much from the relationship I had when I was 18. I guess I didn’t realize I am making excuses for his actions. I am disappointed with myself for allowing this to happen. I am also not trying to defend or justify his actions. I want to give him a chance to tell me he wants to seek counseling. He doesn’t have a lot of time left to tell me so. My patients are gone. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT.

I'm glad you are thinking this through. You sound like a smart person that got into a bad situation. I too used to be in a controlling relationship when I was much younger. So I understand where you're coming from. You weren't really making excuses for him, but I heard things like "I didn't cook his dinner or pick up after him the other night". It's ridiculous he expects you to do that for him or he gets angry. You're not his mother.

Good luck and please keep us posted. I know this must be hard for you.