Emotional Affair and ramifications

Nevergrowup · Mar 18, 2008

What is the name of your state? MO

Background: I'm 33. Husband is 44. We have three kids together and he has been my first child's stepfather since she was 2 (she is 13).

I just found out my husband has been texting (at the very least) a 23 year old girl for the last year. He worked somewhere and left that business for something else...he said that before he left, he hired her, and the texts are just her asking him for advice. I found it because I stumbled across my husband's myspace page, thinking to invite him to mine (I have 4 friends on it because my best friends bugged me to get a page, I don't really GET myspace anyway) and I found some comments left by this girl that seemed a little too familiar for a married man. Plus it says SINGLE which he claims was accidental...okay, I believe that because I was born on this past Monday?

So I searched our cell phone records...nothing. Then it occurred to me to search the texts, and there they were. Dozens for the last few months, and he did admit it has been a year. Of course, I can't get the content of the texts, and mysteriously he has deleted everything. And is now offering me his online passwords, after a day has gone by. Yep, that whole born on Monday again.

I have always trusted him completely and I feel devastated. I know he is not telling me the whole truth. I also know he is home a lot, so this blindsided me...no hints, no suspecting.

Legally, if I feel I can't move past this distrust and betrayal that I feel, I want to be smart about this. We have 4 kids that will be devastated, he is a great father, and I don't know what to do...how to be smart about this? No matter what he has done, he is still a great father, and they need him just as much as they need me...I'm sorry for rambling, I'm still in shock.

If I decide that I can't get over this, legally what is the smartest way to proceed? How do I protect myself (aside from getting a lawyer). How do we split custody so it hurts the kids as little as possible? I don't want money from him...I want to share in the care of the kids. But how to work it out when I am so sad and angry?

My two best friends urged me to contact the girl. Honestly, I feel that if I hear her voice, I might break down. I don't want to talk to her. It isn't her fault, anyway, and I doubt she'd tell me the truth. My husband admits if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't believe me either. He thinks I'll just get over this and eventually learn to trust him again. I can't see how 11 years of trust ruined by frigging text messages can just be repaired.

Bali Hai · Mar 18, 2008

Nevergrowup said:
What is the name of your state? MO

Background: I'm 33. Husband is 44. We have three kids together and he has been my first child's stepfather since she was 2 (she is 13).

I just found out my husband has been texting (at the very least) a 23 year old girl for the last year. He worked somewhere and left that business for something else...he said that before he left, he hired her, and the texts are just her asking him for advice. I found it because I stumbled across my husband's myspace page, thinking to invite him to mine (I have 4 friends on it because my best friends bugged me to get a page, I don't really GET myspace anyway) and I found some comments left by this girl that seemed a little too familiar for a married man. Plus it says SINGLE which he claims was accidental...okay, I believe that because I was born on this past Monday?

So I searched our cell phone records...nothing. Then it occurred to me to search the texts, and there they were. Dozens for the last few months, and he did admit it has been a year. Of course, I can't get the content of the texts, and mysteriously he has deleted everything. And is now offering me his online passwords, after a day has gone by. Yep, that whole born on Monday again.

I have always trusted him completely and I feel devastated. I know he is not telling me the whole truth. I also know he is home a lot, so this blindsided me...no hints, no suspecting.

Legally, if I feel I can't move past this distrust and betrayal that I feel, I want to be smart about this. We have 4 kids that will be devastated, he is a great father, and I don't know what to do...how to be smart about this? No matter what he has done, he is still a great father, and they need him just as much as they need me...I'm sorry for rambling, I'm still in shock.

If I decide that I can't get over this, legally what is the smartest way to proceed? How do I protect myself (aside from getting a lawyer). How do we split custody so it hurts the kids as little as possible? I don't want money from him...I want to share in the care of the kids. But how to work it out when I am so sad and angry?

My two best friends urged me to contact the girl. Honestly, I feel that if I hear her voice, I might break down. I don't want to talk to her. It isn't her fault, anyway, and I doubt she'd tell me the truth. My husband admits if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't believe me either. He thinks I'll just get over this and eventually learn to trust him again. I can't see how 11 years of trust ruined by frigging text messages can just be repaired.

You can file for divorce, and if you do that based on a frigging erased test message, you are the one who will live with that!!

Nevergrowup · Mar 18, 2008

It isn't one text message. It is dozens and dozens over a period of a year, with pictures being exchanged. And on Myspace she mentions his email, and it is nowhere on his page. There is more to this, he just isn't telling me what it is. How am I supposed to feel? She called him Babe on Myspace...she was very familiar, saying she is feeling "MUCH better, she slept all day and must have fallen asleep mid-text, lol". She also has charming phrases such as "yo azz" and "sum".

Am I supposed to think this is nothing? This is no big deal? He would freak if I did it to him and he admits that. And he says he is SINGLE, which isn't a default, you have to choose it.

mistoffolees · Mar 18, 2008

Nevergrowup said:
It isn't one text message. It is dozens and dozens over a period of a year, with pictures being exchanged. And on Myspace she mentions his email, and it is nowhere on his page. There is more to this, he just isn't telling me what it is. How am I supposed to feel? She called him Babe on Myspace...she was very familiar, saying she is feeling "MUCH better, she slept all day and must have fallen asleep mid-text, lol". She also has charming phrases such as "yo azz" and "sum".

Am I supposed to think this is nothing? This is no big deal? He would freak if I did it to him and he admits that. And he says he is SINGLE, which isn't a default, you have to choose it.

I think Bali Hai's comment is that you're looking at a fairly weak argument for divorce. If you truly think you can't get past this, then it may be your only option, but you can expect a lot of 'you dumped him after 11 years for a few text messages that you can't even provide copies of?'

I can only express my own personal feelings and not legal advice. His stating that he was single MIGHT have been an accident or it might have been intentional. You said the girl was fairly forward, but didn't say what his response was. To me, you may have a problem on your hands, but lots of people have gotten through lots worse. Before thinking about divorce, I'd suggest that you get some counseling. It would be reasonable to ask pretty forcefully for him to go along (but you can't force him if he absolutely refuses). Try to attend at least a few sessions before making any life-changing decisions. You'll be in a lot better position to make those decisions if you can get some outside guidance.

Nevergrowup · Mar 18, 2008

Thanks for your comments. He suggested counseling, actually. I believe he is very scared, I know his family means the world to him, and admits he knew all along he shouldn't have been conversing with her behind my back. I don't want a divorce, and I admit I might be jumping the gun, but I also can't contemplate spending the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust. I have always trusted him completely, and always would until he gave me reason not to.

What I can't get past is that I don't believe him. If they were "business" as he claims, why is she calling him "babe?" That seems very professional. Why wouldn't he give me his password when I asked, and instead offered it several hours later? In my gut I feel that it was sexual flirting. I don't know if it went beyond that.

There were no responses from him on myspace. Only texts. And I should point out, he has NEVER texted anyone, in the last year, but her. And she is the only one that he has received texts from.

There is more to this, I know it. I feel like my heart is breaking and I don't know how to go on from here...I'm going to search for a counselor today but as I said in my first post, my first concern is our children...they must have both of us in their lives as much as possible, and I want to mitigate the damage that is inevitable if we can't move past this.

mistoffolees · Mar 18, 2008

Nevergrowup said:
Thanks for your comments. He suggested counseling, actually. I believe he is very scared, I know his family means the world to him, and admits he knew all along he shouldn't have been conversing with her behind my back. I don't want a divorce, and I admit I might be jumping the gun, but I also can't contemplate spending the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust. I have always trusted him completely, and always would until he gave me reason not to.

What I can't get past is that I don't believe him. If they were "business" as he claims, why is she calling him "babe?" That seems very professional. Why wouldn't he give me his password when I asked, and instead offered it several hours later? In my gut I feel that it was sexual flirting. I don't know if it went beyond that.

There were no responses from him on myspace. Only texts. And I should point out, he has NEVER texted anyone, in the last year, but her. And she is the only one that he has received texts from.

There is more to this, I know it. I feel like my heart is breaking and I don't know how to go on from here...I'm going to search for a counselor today but as I said in my first post, my first concern is our children...they must have both of us in their lives as much as possible, and I want to mitigate the damage that is inevitable if we can't move past this.

I know some people who use 'babe' or 'honey' even in business situations. And she may be the only one who prefers to communicate by text (this is becoming increasingly true of younger generations).

I'm not asking you to give him the benefit of the doubt. And I certainly would not suggest that you just forgive him. You do need to worry about yourself and the kids and need to take whatever steps you see as appropriate to protect yourself, including seeing an attorney if you have concerns.

But I would caution you to be careful not to let emotions drive you into a decision without taking time to get your mind involved, too. That's where a counselor can help.

I don't know you and have no idea what your emotional makeup is, but some people get so wrapped up in their emotions that the emotions always see the worst and what they fear becomes real in their minds (my ex was that way). If that applies even a little bit, stepping back to get a new look at things with a counselor might help you. Or it might convince you that your worst fears are real.

Good luck. I wish you the best, whatever happens.

fairisfair · Mar 18, 2008

Nevergrowup said:
Thanks for your comments. He suggested counseling, actually. I believe he is very scared, I know his family means the world to him, and admits he knew all along he shouldn't have been conversing with her behind my back. I don't want a divorce, and I admit I might be jumping the gun, but I also can't contemplate spending the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust. I have always trusted him completely, and always would until he gave me reason not to.

What I can't get past is that I don't believe him. If they were "business" as he claims, why is she calling him "babe?" That seems very professional. Why wouldn't he give me his password when I asked, and instead offered it several hours later? In my gut I feel that it was sexual flirting. I don't know if it went beyond that.

There were no responses from him on myspace. Only texts. And I should point out, he has NEVER texted anyone, in the last year, but her. And she is the only one that he has received texts from.

There is more to this, I know it. I feel like my heart is breaking and I don't know how to go on from here...I'm going to search for a counselor today but as I said in my first post, my first concern is our children...they must have both of us in their lives as much as possible, and I want to mitigate the damage that is inevitable if we can't move past this.

Of course he is flirting back with her. You know that he is.

and you wouldn't see responses from him on his myspace page, you would see them on hers. Still, it isn't like he is having an affair.

Yes, what he is doing is inappropriate, and apparently he realizes that.

A divorce, over a text message? Sorry, I just don't get it.

Nevergrowup · Mar 18, 2008

Thanks to all...I know I can't make any snap decisions, and I don't want a divorce. I'm sure it is just because I am so emotional right now, but currently I feel that it will be hard to ever trust him again...it was more than just a text message or two, it happened over a year and there are hundreds...and he lied yesterday when I asked him about her on myspace...so currently, I don't know what to believe. I'm questioning everything...you know? How do I know he didn't sleep with her? How do I know there isn't more to what he is saying? He deliberately hid it, for over a year...some of them had to have been when I was present, and he still hid it.

I spoke to her this morning...at first she lied too, and acted like she barely knows him, until I told her that he confirmed they have been texting. Then she said well, it was just an occasional hi here and there. So I asked how 64 messages just in one month is an occasional hi? Then she admitted they talked for a while, but it is no big deal, nothing ever happened, they never saw each other. So why lie about it then? If it is just a friendship? Both of them lied and tried to downplay...why? I was very nice to her...after all, she isn't married, he is...it isn't her fault.

I just don't know...how do I learn to trust again when I don't believe him? I can't help but think of the reality...that it is something far worse that it appears (since he keeps lying about it) and that we will end up divorced?

Ahhh, I know most of this isn't legal questions, and I apologize. I am very fearful for my marriage. I love him so much, and before never imagined life without him. When I found out he was being deceptive, suddenly I saw that possibility, and I am really scared.

fairisfair · Mar 18, 2008

Nevergrowup said:
Thanks to all...I know I can't make any snap decisions, and I don't want a divorce. I'm sure it is just because I am so emotional right now, but currently I feel that it will be hard to ever trust him again...it was more than just a text message or two, it happened over a year and there are hundreds...and he lied yesterday when I asked him about her on myspace...so currently, I don't know what to believe. I'm questioning everything...you know? How do I know he didn't sleep with her? How do I know there isn't more to what he is saying? He deliberately hid it, for over a year...some of them had to have been when I was present, and he still hid it.

I spoke to her this morning...at first she lied too, and acted like she barely knows him, until I told her that he confirmed they have been texting. Then she said well, it was just an occasional hi here and there. So I asked how 64 messages just in one month is an occasional hi? Then she admitted they talked for a while, but it is no big deal, nothing ever happened, they never saw each other. So why lie about it then? If it is just a friendship? Both of them lied and tried to downplay...why? I was very nice to her...after all, she isn't married, he is...it isn't her fault.

I just don't know...how do I learn to trust again when I don't believe him? I can't help but think of the reality...that it is something far worse that it appears (since he keeps lying about it) and that we will end up divorced?

Ahhh, I know most of this isn't legal questions, and I apologize. I am very fearful for my marriage. I love him so much, and before never imagined life without him. When I found out he was being deceptive, suddenly I saw that possibility, and I am really scared.

I seriously doubt if they slept together. Most women won't lie to the other woman about that. It was probably just a stupid little game between them. He probably found it incredibly sexy that some younger single woman found him attractive.

Stupid, yes, criminal. not so much.

Of course he lied, he got caught. Unfortunately, most people's first response is not tell all.

Go see a counselor, set ground rules in your marriage, and clearly define what you expect and what happens if you don't get it. You don't have to give him your trust now, he has to earn it.

Shay-Pari'e · Mar 18, 2008

Thanks for your comments. He suggested counseling, actually. I believe he is very scared, I know his family means the world to him, and admits he knew all along he shouldn't have been conversing with her behind my back. I don't want a divorce, and I admit I might be jumping the gun, but I also can't contemplate spending the rest of my life with someone that I don't trust. I have always trusted him completely, and always would until he gave me reason not to.

What I can't get past is that I don't believe him. If they were "business" as he claims, why is she calling him "babe?" That seems very professional. Why wouldn't he give me his password when I asked, and instead offered it several hours later? In my gut I feel that it was sexual flirting. I don't know if it went beyond that.

There were no responses from him on myspace. Only texts. And I should point out, he has NEVER texted anyone, in the last year, but her. And she is the only one that he has received texts from.

This is obviously not a legal question, but I will give you some advice anyway's.We are in a world of technology. Your husband is human, but did cross the line as far as his commitment to you.

My suggestion would be for both of you to get rid of your *My-Space* pages. My hubby and I share one.

You can over come this if you want, and he wants. It won't be easy, you will never know if there was a fling, or you may in the future find out there was one.

This is all up to you, and what you can forgive without involving the kids.

Married people have been through worse, and have over come.

This will take time, and healing.

All the best to you.

T

Shay-Pari'e · Mar 18, 2008

Bali Hai said:
You can file for divorce, and if you do that based on a frigging erased test message, you are the one who will live with that!!

Get over your experience, and stop degrading.

Report away, but I bet Mary put's it right back on the thread.

Shay-Pari'e · Mar 18, 2008

mistoffolees said:
I think Bali Hai's comment is that you're looking at a fairly weak argument for divorce. If you truly think you can't get past this, then it may be your only option, but you can expect a lot of 'you dumped him after 11 years for a few text messages that you can't even provide copies of?'

I can only express my own personal feelings and not legal advice. His stating that he was single MIGHT have been an accident or it might have been intentional. You said the girl was fairly forward, but didn't say what his response was. To me, you may have a problem on your hands, but lots of people have gotten through lots worse. Before thinking about divorce, I'd suggest that you get some counseling. It would be reasonable to ask pretty forcefully for him to go along (but you can't force him if he absolutely refuses). Try to attend at least a few sessions before making any life-changing decisions. You'll be in a lot better position to make those decisions if you can get some outside guidance.

What is with you guy's? She could divorce him just because she wanted to. She needs no proof of anything.

kimberlywrites · Mar 18, 2008

Question

Has your husband been married before?

Shay-Pari'e · Mar 18, 2008

fairisfair said:
Of course he is flirting back with her. You know that he is.

and you wouldn't see responses from him on his myspace page, you would see them on hers. Still, it isn't like he is having an affair.

Yes, what he is doing is inappropriate, and apparently he realizes that.

A divorce, over a text message? Sorry, I just don't get it.

Not if her page is on private.

kimberlywrites · Mar 18, 2008

I have a feeling there is more to this. I wonder if he's been married before. And if so, why he is divorced. The age difference between them is what's making me wonder. NOT saying it's a bad thing to have the age difference, nor is it uncommon...just...

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Nevergrowup

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