Husband wants to adopt child from previous marriage

What is the name of your state? PA

I have a rather interesting situation. I have a 9yr old daughter from a previous marriage who does not see her biological father. He is a drug addict and has been in and out of jail her entire life. Until about 2yrs ago I tried to let him have visitation when he wasn't incarcerated. Not very often. At that time my daughter decided she didn't want to see him, talk to him, or receive letters from him. I put her in counseling to be sure(even though I tried really hard not to bad mouth him) that she didn't make this decision because of my personal feelings toward him. Her counselor has told me that it was definitely a decision she made for herself. I have very rarely gotten support payments from him and he is in arrears like $18,000. The last time he got out of prison, 11/07, he started paying his support. I think it is just to stay out of jail, because he has not tried to contact my daughter at all. He did send a box of gifts for X-Mas. There was no cards, no letter, just a bunch of wrapped gifts. So to get to my question, my new husband has been more of a father to her in the last 3 yrs than her father has been her whole life. She is calling him Dad and told me she wants him to adopt her. She has been saying this for a while but I wanted to be sure she meant it. I think she is mature enough to make this decision as does her counselor. I just don't know if legally we stand a chance. I know non-payment of support is a big deciding factor for terminating parental rights and since he has been paying I don't know what to do. The gifts in Dec '07 is the only attempted contact since Dec '06. I know he will not voluntarily give up his rights, so asking him is not an option. Is there anything we can do to get the adoption granted? Thanks!What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?

Your situation is not unique by any stretch of the imagination.

Have you read ANY of the threads about step parent adoption? Have you googled step parent adoption for your state?

Your husband is not 'Dad'. How refreshing that you tried not to bad mouth Dad and that you let a CHILD make a decision that she has no business and no right to make.

So, I'm guessing that Dad probably won't consent to the adoption. Guess what that means? Your plans are pretty much kaput.

Are you God?

I'm not sure who you are, but you do not know me and have no right to judge me unless of course you are God, which I highly doubt!! Would it make you feel better if I went into all the details of how my Ex physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me the entire time we were married! I left because of my daughter, so yeah it was really hard sometimes not to tell her how much of an a#$$&&e her father is. It takes a lot more than a sperm donation to be a father! My husband has been nothing but good to her. What is wrong with her wanting a real father and having the same last name as him??!! And yes I did read the other threads on step-parent adoption and it seems to me by ALL your replies that you have something personally against this. Maybe you should stop replying to these types of threads! I am looking for a little legal advice not to be judged by you or anyone else! Have a nice day!

You got legal advice. And if you think that she was "judging" you, wait until you get in front of a judge and he rips you a whole new one.

erin1976 said:

I'm not sure who you are, but you do not know me and have no right to judge me unless of course you are God, which I highly doubt!! Would it make you feel better if I went into all the details of how my Ex physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me the entire time we were married! I left because of my daughter, so yeah it was really hard sometimes not to tell her how much of an a#$$&&e her father is. It takes a lot more than a sperm donation to be a father! My husband has been nothing but good to her. What is wrong with her wanting a real father and having the same last name as him??!! And yes I did read the other threads on step-parent adoption and it seems to me by ALL your replies that you have something personally against this. Maybe you should stop replying to these types of threads! I am looking for a little legal advice not to be judged by you or anyone else! Have a nice day!

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Okay, now your rant isn't anything unique, either.

I don't have to know you or anybody else involved to knwo that you have made some serious mistakes (LEGALLY) in dealing with your daughter and your husband.

A child does NOT have the right to decide that visitation is not going to happen, even if the counselor thinks it's a dandy decision. You and your husband have no RIGHT to allow (aka: encourage) her to call him 'Dad'. She has a real father. A father that you chose. What he did to you has no bearing on terminating his parental rights. You could have left the first time he yelled at you, called you a nasty name, or hit you.

Without Dad's consent, it won't happen. Now, you can go ahead and talk to an atty. Be prepared to spend HUGE amounts of money, spend years in court, and ultimately (most likely) be unsuccessful in your endeavor.


Now, you may resume stomping your feet and scrunching up your face while you rant and rave. It won't change the answer.

You may not like the input you received, but it is legally sound. Too bad, so sad.

Your child is not mature enough to make that decision. Why don't you talk to you counselor about how your child gets to see your face light up every time she calls your husband "Daddy" even though he isn't. You communicate in more ways than you think about how you want her to approve of your husband. (And disown her father.) She is the one who needs to be taken care of here.

You said your ex does nothing and poo-pooed the gifts he sent for Christmas. Be sure your daughter is strongly effected by your attitude. She will say with heartfelt emotion anything you need her to to keep you happy faced, that is part of her being dependent on you.

By all means encourage your husband to be good to her but writing her father out of the picture is wrong. Focusing your energies on 'supporting her' to make this decision to adopt is abusive. That she has been 'talking about this for years so you know she's serious' makes me cringe. So, since she was seven or so, a first grader? Or even before that?

Tell your daughter you are already a complete family emotionally without needing her to push for adoption. And see that she is free to accept whatever gifts (however small) and feelings she has towards her father, good and bad. This is serious pressure on your child from what you describe.

She cannot save you from having to deal with her father. It sounds like she is trying to. Please think about how you can stop leaning on your daughter emotionally. Take it up with your counselor. God bless everyone involved in your situation.

erin1976 said:

I'm not sure who you are, but you do not know me and have no right to judge me unless of course you are God, which I highly doubt!! Would it make you feel better if I went into all the details of how my Ex physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me the entire time we were married! I left because of my daughter, so yeah it was really hard sometimes not to tell her how much of an a#$$&&e her father is. It takes a lot more than a sperm donation to be a father! My husband has been nothing but good to her. What is wrong with her wanting a real father and having the same last name as him??!! And yes I did read the other threads on step-parent adoption and it seems to me by ALL your replies that you have something personally against this. Maybe you should stop replying to these types of threads! I am looking for a little legal advice not to be judged by you or anyone else! Have a nice day!

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Yep and you were the one who chose to make him a Daddy.

Since he technically has made contact with the child (xmas presents) and is now paying his support your chances are pretty much zero.

A child who is 9yrs old is NOT mature enough to make that decision. My 9yr old wants me to change her last name when I get married in a few weeks. Do I pursue it?? Umm NO.

Since your child is so mature, if she wanted to go live with her REAL DADDY your logic states that she should be allowed to. After all, she, you and her counselor think she is "mature". See the holes in your logic?

Idori said:

Your child is not mature enough to make that decision. Why don't you talk to you counselor about how your child gets to see your face light up every time she calls your husband "Daddy" even though he isn't. You communicate in more ways than you think about how you want her to approve of your husband. (And disown her father.) She is the one who needs to be taken care of here.

You said your ex does nothing and poo-pooed the gifts he sent for Christmas. Be sure your daughter is strongly effected by your attitude. She will say with heartfelt emotion anything you need her to to keep you happy faced, that is part of her being dependent on you.

By all means encourage your husband to be good to her but writing her father out of the picture is wrong. Focusing your energies on 'supporting her' to make this decision to adopt is abusive. That she has been 'talking about this for years so you know she's serious' makes me cringe. So, since she was seven or so, a first grader? Or even before that?

Tell your daughter you are already a complete family emotionally without needing her to push for adoption. And see that she is free to accept whatever gifts (however small) and feelings she has towards her father, good and bad. This is serious pressure on your child from what you describe.

She cannot save you from having to deal with her father. It sounds like she is trying to. Please think about how you can stop leaning on your daughter emotionally. Take it up with your counselor. God bless everyone involved in your situation.

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What a wonderful and true post.
Hopefully, the OP will take the advice that's been given, for her daughter's sake.