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H

HockTuey

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I moved here (New Jersey) from Texas about 13 years ago to marry my "soulmate" that I had met on the Internet. I left my mom, dad, sisters and all my friends to start a new life in a part of the country that has a whole different culture from the south.
Cut to the chase..
Now, 3 mortgages and 2 kids later, my wife of 12 years has informed me that she no longer loves me and wants a divorce.:(

I have been nothing but a good husband and loving father. I do not drink or smoke, although I am not perfect by any means - I've never cheated, or wanted to cheat on my wife.
My wife now hides her cell phone in her pocket on vibrate, as well as hides all her Internet activity from me as well. The other day I picked up a precription for her that had been at the pharmacy for a week or two. It was birth control pills. So, obviously there must be someone else in her life that she is either having sex with or wants to have sex with in the near future.

She makes good money working for a company in Manhattan. Her salary has always been way larger than mine. For I have had to take smaller paying odd jobs because I have been playing "Mr. Mom" since our first was born in 2000.
(We have a 9 year old and a 4 year old, both boys, both beautiful and healthy.

I absolutely love my sons more than life itself. The thought of only seeing them every other weekend and on Wednesdays makes me so sick to my stomach that I cannot eat. And this will be ONLY if I can find a job that can pay me enough to live anywhere close enough to them to still be able to be their father and have a meaningful relationship.

The catch is, my wife has given me until the end of the summer to get a job and a place to live. 3 months. And in this struggling economy, especially New Jersey, my fear is I will not be able to reach this goal in time and I will be homeless.
Any money I made went to the second car payment and the rest to my wife.
All my clothes have holes in them while my wifes wardrobe is neverending clean and new. She takes all her laundry to the dry cleaners, gets her nails and hair done as often as she likes. She has taken many vacations on her own.

Just a month before she told me she wanted a divorce, we had both signed off on our third mortgage to help minimize our monthly payments. I also agreed to let her transfer $6000 worth of (mostly her) credit card debt into a card in my name to help consolidate payments.

So now.. Her life is better, easier.. and I have a $6000 credit card debt, a car payment and no real job to speak of and she is giving me 3 months to get my life together? Talk about a professional hit. I would have preferred a bullet to the head honestly.

She also wants to use a mediator instead of a lawyer to save money.
As I think about all the things shes done and left me with. Most of my friends and family suggest I get a lawyer.
When I mentioned a lawyer to my wife, she got VERY nervous and upset.

I havent been served the divorce papers yet. However I know she is waiting for something "important" to come in the mail because she rushes out to check every day.

Without a job, I would imagine getting a lawyer would be next to impossible.
I guess I don't have a question as much as I just need advice for what someone in my position could do.
I'm 49 years old and starting all over from square one in a state that I have no friends or family in appears as though I am doomed.
My biggest fear is I'll have to move back to Texas and never see the two people I've ever truely loved in my whole life.. my sons. I absolutely need them in my life.
My wife drinks and is now smoking up to a pack of cigs a day. She has very little patience for taking care of the kids and yells at them for no reason. This makes me very sad to know that not only my life, but their life may be ruined just because someone got tired of waking up to see my face everyday.

I need help.

-B-What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
 


P

Proserpina

Senior Member
This is personal, not legal advice.

Do not leave those children OR that marital home unless and until you are ordered by a judge to do so.

Get in touch with legal aid. NOW. Google, do whatever it takes. File for divorce, file for custody of the boys and ask for possession of the marital home (at the very least on a temporary basis).

You have been primary caretaker of the boys most of their lives, correct? Good - that will help you; don't assume Mom will automatically get primary custody simply because she has what is lovingly referred to as the Golden Uterus.

She WILL, however, have a much greater chance if you don't act.

Wait around for the seniors to answer - they'll have more info regarding the financial state of things certainly.

But there is no reason whatsoever why you should have to leave the home and put your established position as SAH Dad in jeopardy - not unless and until you are legally ordered to do so.

ETA: start here http://www.lsnj.org/directory.htm :)
 
Ohiogal

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Dog is correct. File for custody, child support and spousal support until you can get a job. YOU do NOT have to leave the marital home. Nor should you leave your children.
 
H

HockTuey

Junior Member
No money..

I do not have the money for an attorney. Niether do my parents. They are missionaries in Mexico and rely on the church to support them.

Am I able to hire an attorney and then once I get a good paying job, pay out the lawyer in payments?
I'd pay for the rest of my life if it means keeping my kids, or at the very least, being able to see them more than every other weekend.

Thanks for your posts..btw. God bless all of you.

-B-
 
B

Bali Hai

Senior Member
HockTuey said:
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New Jersey

I moved here (New Jersey) from Texas about 13 years ago to marry my "soulmate" that I had met on the Internet. I left my mom, dad, sisters and all my friends to start a new life in a part of the country that has a whole different culture from the south.
Cut to the chase..
Now, 3 mortgages and 2 kids later, my wife of 12 years has informed me that she no longer loves me and wants a divorce.:(

I have been nothing but a good husband and loving father. I do not drink or smoke, although I am not perfect by any means - I've never cheated, or wanted to cheat on my wife.
My wife now hides her cell phone in her pocket on vibrate, as well as hides all her Internet activity from me as well. The other day I picked up a precription for her that had been at the pharmacy for a week or two. It was birth control pills. So, obviously there must be someone else in her life that she is either having sex with or wants to have sex with in the near future.

She makes good money working for a company in Manhattan. Her salary has always been way larger than mine. For I have had to take smaller paying odd jobs because I have been playing "Mr. Mom" since our first was born in 2000.
(We have a 9 year old and a 4 year old, both boys, both beautiful and healthy.

I absolutely love my sons more than life itself. The thought of only seeing them every other weekend and on Wednesdays makes me so sick to my stomach that I cannot eat. And this will be ONLY if I can find a job that can pay me enough to live anywhere close enough to them to still be able to be their father and have a meaningful relationship.

The catch is, my wife has given me until the end of the summer to get a job and a place to live. 3 months. And in this struggling economy, especially New Jersey, my fear is I will not be able to reach this goal in time and I will be homeless.
Any money I made went to the second car payment and the rest to my wife.
All my clothes have holes in them while my wifes wardrobe is neverending clean and new. She takes all her laundry to the dry cleaners, gets her nails and hair done as often as she likes. She has taken many vacations on her own.

Just a month before she told me she wanted a divorce, we had both signed off on our third mortgage to help minimize our monthly payments. I also agreed to let her transfer $6000 worth of (mostly her) credit card debt into a card in my name to help consolidate payments.

So now.. Her life is better, easier.. and I have a $6000 credit card debt, a car payment and no real job to speak of and she is giving me 3 months to get my life together? Talk about a professional hit. I would have preferred a bullet to the head honestly.

She also wants to use a mediator instead of a lawyer to save money.
As I think about all the things shes done and left me with. Most of my friends and family suggest I get a lawyer.
When I mentioned a lawyer to my wife, she got VERY nervous and upset.

I havent been served the divorce papers yet. However I know she is waiting for something "important" to come in the mail because she rushes out to check every day.

Without a job, I would imagine getting a lawyer would be next to impossible.
I guess I don't have a question as much as I just need advice for what someone in my position could do.
I'm 49 years old and starting all over from square one in a state that I have no friends or family in appears as though I am doomed.
My biggest fear is I'll have to move back to Texas and never see the two people I've ever truely loved in my whole life.. my sons. I absolutely need them in my life.
My wife drinks and is now smoking up to a pack of cigs a day. She has very little patience for taking care of the kids and yells at them for no reason. This makes me very sad to know that not only my life, but their life may be ruined just because someone got tired of waking up to see my face everyday.

I need help.

-B-What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?
Click to expand...
Get an attorney and file for divorce before she does, exclusive use of the marital home, full custody of the children, temporary alimony (spousal support) and attorney fees.

This is just for starters and get an attorney NOW!
 
B

Bali Hai

Senior Member
HockTuey said:
I do not have the money for an attorney. Niether do my parents. They are missionaries in Mexico and rely on the church to support them.

Am I able to hire an attorney and then once I get a good paying job, pay out the lawyer in payments?

You should be asking the perspective LAWYER that question and not a bunch of casual observers!!

I'd pay for the rest of my life if it means keeping my kids, or at the very least, being able to see them more than every other weekend.

Thanks for your posts..btw. God bless all of you.

-B-
Click to expand...
Put you bible on the shelf and grab your pitch fork and get moving!!
 
LdiJ

LdiJ

Senior Member
I agree that you have been the primary caretaker of the children and that you need to file for primary custody. However, it is my understanding that NJ is very much a joint custody state, so you can expect that you and your wife will be sharing joint custody, even if the timeshare is greater in your favor.

However, you also have to get a job. You may end up with child support and you may even end up with a few years of spousal support, but unless your wife is making really serious money, its unlikely to be enough money to actually support you...and it is very unlikely to be enough to allow you to make the house payment and cover all of the other bills.

The odds of you being able to move with the children to TX, are not strong at all. If you need to get some schooling to upgrade your job skills, then do so.
 
H

HockTuey

Junior Member
Thanks..

However, I think you might have misunderstood me.

I know I can't take the kids back to Texas with me. That would be parental kidnapping. My thoughts were if I had no money I'd have to move back to Texas and NOT see them forever or for a very long time until I got back on my feet and made enough money to move back to NJ or NY or wherever their mother takes them.

And yes, I realize I need to get a job. I have one now, I've always had one regardless of the low income on my part.
But now I have to get a job that brings home $3k a month just to be in the same area, or else I end up in a room or apt in a city where the kids will be more at risk and unsafe.
I have a high school education and A+ Certification to work on computers.. that's all I have. So I'm trying to find something in this field that pays something I can live on.

(Sorry, I know it sounds like I'm whinning.. maybe I am. But, I'm just giving you all the facts.)

Everyone is telling me to start the divorce FIRST. I don't want to divorce, I want to try and work it out.
However, I know the harsh reality is that my wife has already made up her mind and has turned that corner to never look back. So I've just now started to try and come to terms with the fact that divorce is inevitable.

On what grounds do I file for divorce? Extreme Cruelty?

Again, thank you to everyone for their thoughts and advice.
 
Last edited:
M

mistoffolees

Senior Member
HockTuey said:
I do not have the money for an attorney. Niether do my parents. They are missionaries in Mexico and rely on the church to support them.

Am I able to hire an attorney and then once I get a good paying job, pay out the lawyer in payments?
I'd pay for the rest of my life if it means keeping my kids, or at the very least, being able to see them more than every other weekend.

Thanks for your posts..btw. God bless all of you.

-B-
Click to expand...
You can't afford NOT to have an attorney.

Contact some attorneys. Some will allow you to pay over time. Some will petition the court to be paid from marital assets. No one here can tell you whether any particular attorney will do that - ask THEM. Many offer the initial consultation for free.

You are the primary caregiver. Assuming that you can't share the time 50:50, then you should be petitioning for primary physical custody (as Ldij points out, you're likely to have joint LEGAL custody, but IMHO, that's not worth a whole heck of a lot in most cases). Ask the court for primary physical custody. Since she makes more than you do, ask for spousal support and child support, as well.

If you can get a job which will allow you to pay for the home, then you can also request temporary possession of the marital home. If not, you should see if your stbx wants it (she will have to reimburse you for 1/2 of the marital equity) or if you should sell it. Either way, you'll need to start thinking about where you're going to live and how you're going to support yourself after the divorce is final.
 
Ohiogal

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
However, I think you might have misunderstood me.

I know I can't take the kids back to Texas with me. That would be parental kidnapping.
Click to expand...
No it would not.

My thoughts were if I had no money I'd have to move back to Texas and NOT see them forever or for a very long time until I got back on my feet and made enough money to move back to NJ or NY or wherever their mother takes them.
Click to expand...
Oh.

Everyone is telling me to start the divorce FIRST. I don't want to divorce, I want to try and work it out.
Click to expand...
then do NOT file for divorce. But do not move out and do not let her move out with the children. If she moves out she moves out without the children. The only way you can really prevent her from moving WITH the children, is if there is a court order. The only way you will get that is if you have temporary custody (which is given in a DIVORCE).

However, I know the harsh reality is that my wife has already made up her mind and has turned that corner to never look back. So I've just now started to try and come to terms with the fact that divorce is inevitable.
Click to expand...
Okay.

On what grounds do I file for divorce? Extreme Cruelty?
Click to expand...
You can try extreme cruelty. But do NOT move out. If you do move take the children with you. HOWEVER also do not put yourself in a position where she can claim domestic violence.
 
S

Silverplum

Senior Member
The advice you are receiving is based upon the perhaps mistaken assumption that you WANTED custody. :rolleyes:

If you don't, do as you please. If you do want custody, better do as the advisors tell you. If you leave to TX and leave the children with their mother, kiss custody goodbye.
 
B

Bali Hai

Senior Member
HockTuey said:
However, I think you might have misunderstood me.

I know I can't take the kids back to Texas with me. That would be parental kidnapping. My thoughts were if I had no money I'd have to move back to Texas and NOT see them forever or for a very long time until I got back on my feet and made enough money to move back to NJ or NY or wherever their mother takes them.

And yes, I realize I need to get a job. I have one now, I've always had one regardless of the low income on my part.
But now I have to get a job that brings home $3k a month just to be in the same area, or else I end up in a room or apt in a city where the kids will be more at risk and unsafe.
I have a high school education and A+ Certification to work on computers.. that's all I have. So I'm trying to find something in this field that pays something I can live on.

(Sorry, I know it sounds like I'm whinning.. maybe I am. But, I'm just giving you all the facts.)

Everyone is telling me to start the divorce FIRST. I don't want to divorce, I want to try and work it out.
However, I know the harsh reality is that my wife has already made up her mind and has turned that corner to never look back. So I've just now started to try and come to terms with the fact that divorce is inevitable.

On what grounds do I file for divorce? Extreme Cruelty?

Again, thank you to everyone for their thoughts and advice.
Click to expand...
Listen, you are a man and she is a woman. You already have two strikes against you by that very fact. And don't believe anyone who tells you differently!

You have two choices:

1) Make it happen for you and protect your interests.
2) Let it happen to you and suffer the consequences.

This is my advice and furthermore, if you keep pussyfooting around instead of confronting the issue, it will be strike three for you.
 
H

HockTuey

Junior Member
Hey everyone.

Thanks for everyones support.

By now I realize I have confused a lot of you. With talk of moving to Texas and not wanting a divorce.
Let me try to do my best to explain my situation..

First, I'm at least 99% sure my wife has decided to get a divorce. Even though I haven't been served any papers yet. By all her actions, she seems
to be "getting on with her life" so to speak. She seems very happy about all this. So I should probably just except the fact that she will be going through with it.

I have my resume out there. But 4 weeks have passed since I got this news and I haven't gotten any calls for interviews or anything.
Simply put, A+ certification only goes so far these days in the IT field.

So here I am. Broke. And in need of an attorney, a job and a place to live.
I guess I do want full custody on the grounds that I think she is an unfit mother.. drinks, smokes, selfishness, controlling issues and no patience with the kids.
However, with that said. I realize I am the man and she is the woman. I also realize that she has all the money and friends and seemingly everything on her side.

But she is definately hiding something or someone from me.

Perhaps what I think I may be asking is.. Even if I have to move out, start on my own.. so be it. But I need more time to do this, and I want more time with my kids other than every other weekend and Wednesday nights. (What is that? Wednesday nights for 3 hours? what a joke!) She also demands that they spend EVERY Christmas at her house. I strongly disagree with that as well.

So with Divorce unfortunately inevitable, I guess my question is merely.. How do I prolong my living at the same house until I can get the job needed in order to continue living within the same standard of living I and my kids are used to. (within reason)

Otherwise, If I am forced to move at the desired time frame she has put upon me, I might be homeless. Being homeless would be my only reason for moving back with family in Texas. Otherwise, my commitment to my children is much stronger than anything else. I hate New Jersey. With a passion. But I will stay for them and them alone. I not only want to be in their lives, I feel like I need to be, for many many reasons.
So my biggest issue is my unemployment at moment. And the impact that is having or will have on any custody, alimony and child support issues.

Getting a lawyer is definately what I feel like doing. But once I mentioned that to her she freaked out, bot very nervous and hit me with guilt saying that if she had to get a lawyer, she would go broke and have to sell the house and move somewhere else - with the kids.

I apologize, I am confused. I am lost and living inside a bubble. I feel like I'm dead and everyone else is walking around happy and living life to the fullest. I'm supposed to remain positive through all this, but sometimes it is impossible.

But again, thank you to everyone for your input. I think the main thing everyone seems to be saying is for me to ACT NOW.
I have nothing to lose really, so I think a lawyer is the best place to start.
I feel like I need to make HER feel some of the pressure SHE started.

She has controlled out whole married life basically. And she wants to control my end as well. I can't allow that to happen.

-HT-
 
P

Proserpina

Senior Member
I have my resume out there. But 4 weeks have passed since I got this news and I haven't gotten any calls for interviews or anything.
Simply put, A+ certification only goes so far these days in the IT field.
Click to expand...
Then it's time to get two McDonald's jobs if that what it takes; I know that isn't a popular answer but you need to be able to support yourself and at least contribute to supporting those kids.

So here I am. Broke. And in need of an attorney, a job and a place to live.
I guess I do want full custody on the grounds that I think she is an unfit mother.. drinks, smokes, selfishness, controlling issues and no patience with the kids.
Click to expand...
None of which make her an unfit parent.

But she is definately hiding something or someone from me.
Click to expand...
Such as what?

Perhaps what I think I may be asking is.. Even if I have to move out, start on my own.. so be it. But I need more time to do this, and I want more time with my kids other than every other weekend and Wednesday nights. (What is that? Wednesday nights for 3 hours? what a joke!) She also demands that they spend EVERY Christmas at her house. I strongly disagree with that as well.
Click to expand...
Let's get this straight. You currently live in the marital home WITH the children, correct?

If the answer is "Yes", why on this lovely green earth would you want to change that? It doesn't matter that SHE wants you to move out! You stay put until and unless you are told to do so by the courts.

So with Divorce unfortunately inevitable, I guess my question is merely.. How do I prolong my living at the same house until I can get the job needed in order to continue living within the same standard of living I and my kids are used to. (within reason)
Click to expand...
You don't have to leave. File for divorce - NOW. Yesterday. Ask to remain in the marital home.

Your wife currently has no right to force you to move out. None at all. But if you sit around and do nothing, she WILL in all likelihood file first and force the issue.

Getting a lawyer is definately what I feel like doing. But once I mentioned that to her she freaked out, bot very nervous and hit me with guilt saying that if she had to get a lawyer, she would go broke and have to sell the house and move somewhere else - with the kids.
Click to expand...
Of COURSE she freaked out. Because she knows that what she is demanding is unreasonable! Again, you seem to be assuming that because she is Mom that she somehow has more rights to the kids than you do - this is only true if you ALLOW it to become true.

Retrieve your pair from the jar she's had 'em in, take a stand and get to an attorney to file for divorce, custody and child support. NOW.

There are legal aid/pro bono/low income programs available to you if you are genuinely without an income; I know you're hurting, you're lost and you're confused - but you do NOT have to let her run roughshod over you.

DO IT!

:)

ETA: file for spousal support too.
 
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