Hubby in the house, but won't pay!!!

AllieInVa757 · Jun 15, 2009

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
This is my dilemma...After 18 yrs together, my hubby goes and gets a girlfriend. I say "Fine, that's what you want, then get out!" His stuff is still at the house...He'll come & go as he pleases, as my children will let him in before I get home from work. He hasn't given me any money in months. I tried to sue him for support, but learned that if his address is technically the same as mine, I can't sue him for support- according to the Clerk of the Court. He's on the deed w/ me so I know I can't FORCE him to vacate w/o him having assaulted me or one of my kids- and I would never let it get to that point... What are the chances that if I go to a magistrate and plead my case that he could be made to either VACATE THE HOUSE or PAY 1/2 the household bills like he should have been doing anyhow??? PLEASE HELP! I'm going to be facing foreclosure if he doesn't cough up some $$$ and I'm at my wits end!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

mistoffolees · Jun 15, 2009

AllieInVa757 said:
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia
This is my dilemma...After 18 yrs together, my hubby goes and gets a girlfriend. I say "Fine, that's what you want, then get out!" His stuff is still at the house...He'll come & go as he pleases, as my children will let him in before I get home from work. He hasn't given me any money in months. I tried to sue him for support, but learned that if his address is technically the same as mine, I can't sue him for support- according to the Clerk of the Court. He's on the deed w/ me so I know I can't FORCE him to vacate w/o him having assaulted me or one of my kids- and I would never let it get to that point... What are the chances that if I go to a magistrate and plead my case that he could be made to either VACATE THE HOUSE or PAY 1/2 the household bills like he should have been doing anyhow??? PLEASE HELP! I'm going to be facing foreclosure if he doesn't cough up some $$$ and I'm at my wits end!What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Your husband doesn't have to leave and there's no way you can make him.

Your only chance is to file for divorce and ask the judge for temporary possession of the house. At that point, you would have legal grounds to make him leave.

You also can't make him pay 1/2 the bills while you're still married. Again, once you file for divorce, you can ask for a temporary support arrangement.

AllieInVa757 · Jun 15, 2009

mistoffolees said:
You also can't make him pay 1/2 the bills while you're still married. Again, once you file for divorce, you can ask for a temporary support arrangement.

So how does that make it fair or right - to me- when he gets to live in the house, not pay rent, not pay for groceries, etc? That seems twisted. If his name is on the Deed of Trust, then he IS at least responsible for paying his 50% of the mortgage, And in Va you have to be separated for 1 YEAR before you can file for divorce. He is making it impossible for a separation to occur.

Proserpina · Jun 15, 2009

AllieInVa757 said:
So how does that make it fair or right - to me- when he gets to live in the house, not pay rent, not pay for groceries, etc? That seems twisted. If his name is on the Deed of Trust, then he IS at least responsible for paying his 50% of the mortgage, And in Va you have to be separated for 1 YEAR before you can file for divorce. He is making it impossible for a separation to occur.

You could leave; that would at least get the clock ticking in terms of legal separation.

Ohiogal · Jun 15, 2009

AllieInVa757 said:
So how does that make it fair or right - to me- when he gets to live in the house, not pay rent, not pay for groceries, etc? That seems twisted. If his name is on the Deed of Trust, then he IS at least responsible for paying his 50% of the mortgage, And in Va you have to be separated for 1 YEAR before you can file for divorce. He is making it impossible for a separation to occur.

FAIR? life is not fair. He is a househusband. Its just like he is not working and you are supporting him. It happens in marriages sometimes.

And no, he is NOT at least responsible for paying 50% of the mortgage. You each (if both are on the mortgage) are responsible for 100% of the mortgage.

AllieInVa757 · Jun 15, 2009

Ohiogal said:
FAIR? life is not fair. He is a househusband. Its just like he is not working and you are supporting him. It happens in marriages sometimes.

Wow- I didn't expect to get beat up on here...
Anyway, I was just saying that if we have "joint debt" then how is it FAIR that he isn't MADE to pay his share. He does work- so he should pony-up!!! For Pete's sake- I am the INJURED SPOUSE, not him. I shouldn't have to defend MY position, that I was unwillingly put in, I might add. He is NOT the man that he took a vow to be...unenforceable as it may seem, but that's the truth!
I am mother AND FATHER to our children right now, because he shows no interest. It's pathetic the way he blows them off. Downright hurtful.
I welcome anymore constructive advice out there!!!!

Zigner · Jun 15, 2009

He and you have the same obligation to pay. That is, you don't HAVE to pay, nor does he.

slwx · Jun 15, 2009

AllieInVa757 said:
Wow- I didn't expect to get beat up on here...
Anyway, I was just saying that if we have "joint debt" then how is it FAIR that he isn't MADE to pay his share. He does work- so he should pony-up!!! For Pete's sake- I am the INJURED SPOUSE, not him. I shouldn't have to defend MY position, that I was unwillingly put in, I might add. He is NOT the man that he took a vow to be...unenforceable as it may seem, but that's the truth!
I am mother AND FATHER to our children right now, because he shows no interest. It's pathetic the way he blows them off. Downright hurtful.
I welcome anymore constructive advice out there!!!!

i'm not a legal expert
but -- you're confusing what's morally right & fair with how the legal system works

they don't always match up

i understand your frustation & wish you luck

oh -- and in virginia, they have a law for people without much money
if you maintain separate bedrooms, they can consider that legal separation.
i don't know the requirements to go file that, but some friends of ours did that.

Cassandra123 · Jun 15, 2009

I am sorry about what you are going through, but you need to understand how the legal system works and how to protect yourself. I'm not even close to being an expert here, but I can tell you that the advice you've been given is similar to what I've read here many times.

This is not fairadvice.com. You should calm down and read the replies again. The first response set out what you need to do. You have gotten constructive advice. If I were in your shoes, I'd find a way to get to an attorney. Start out with a consultation, which is often free. It is possible to do this without an attorney, but if you have any way to do it with one, I'd try that avenue first.

You mentioned being afraid of being assulted, which no one addressed. We don't know what really goes on in your home, and you do. If you are being threatened with violence, then you need a restraining order. That's something a lawyer will help you with or you could contact the police on your own.

Ohiogal · Jun 15, 2009

Wow- I didn't expect to get beat up on here...

NO ONE beat you up. I pointed out that he has NO obligation to pay 50% of the bills -- even the mortgage. If you both signed the mortgage you each LEGALLY are responsible for 100%.

Anyway, I was just saying that if we have "joint debt" then how is it FAIR that he isn't MADE to pay his share.

FAIR? Again, who said life was fair. IT IS NOT.

He does work- so he should pony-up!!! For Pete's sake- I am the INJURED SPOUSE, not him.

Is your self pity party working for you?

I shouldn't have to defend MY position, that I was unwillingly put in, I might add.

Actually not true. YOU CHOSE TO MARRY HIM. YOU CHOSE to sign a mortgage/promissory note. YOU CHOSE your situation. YOU made decisions. You are choosing to remain in the marital home. You are willingly making those chooses.

He is NOT the man that he took a vow to be...unenforceable as it may seem, but that's the truth!

Wedding vows sound pretty and can be contracts. When broken you have options -- DIVORCE is such an option.

I am mother AND FATHER to our children right now, because he shows no interest. It's pathetic the way he blows them off. Downright hurtful.

So what have you done to ease the hurt your children are feeling?

I welcome anymore constructive advice out there!!!!

Really? Or do you only welcome that advice that gives you pity and pats you on the shoulder. Because I gave you legal fact. You didn't like it and started whining. But if you are telling the truth here is some more constructive advice:

YOU are in control of your self. YOU can make decisions that benefit you. YOU have to deal with the consequences of said decisions. You don't have to stay in the home. YOu can move out. You can file papers asking for sole possession of the marital home during the pendency of the divorce. You can do many things. YOU CHOOSE NOT TO. Why? Because if you don't make a decision, you can gripe about how unfair it all is and someone will take pity on you and tell you how right you are. So the biggest piece of advice, quit making excuses and start making decisions.

AllieInVa757 · Jun 16, 2009

Ohiogal said:
Is your self pity party working for you?

You are choosing to remain in the marital home. You are willingly making those chooses.

So what have you done to ease the hurt your children are feeling?

You didn't like it and started whining.

I think I have a right to get over the emotional impact or what what my husband has done to me & our "family"- I don't consider it a pity party. I don't wear my feelings on my sleeve.
I CANNOT move ANYWHERE...I have NO MONEY like I said- I've been paying all the bills and the well is dry. I DON'T qualify for any assistance- my income is $8k/yr above the guideline.
And I am spending time with my children- that's what I am doing to ease their pain! BEING there- taking them to the beach- to the park- playing baseball-anything I can to keep them busy and happy.
I didn't start to "whine"- this is a legal forum, right? What do lawyers do...argue. My point is that I know I have a valid arguement. I have proof of infidelity- financial detriment- mental abuse to myself and my children. I was reaching for a leg to stand on. Thanks

Ohiogal · Jun 16, 2009

AllieInVa757 said:
I think I have a right to get over the emotional impact or what what my husband has done to me & our "family"- I don't consider it a pity party. I don't wear my feelings on my sleeve.
I CANNOT move ANYWHERE...I have NO MONEY like I said- I've been paying all the bills and the well is dry. I DON'T qualify for any assistance- my income is $8k/yr above the guideline.
And I am spending time with my children- that's what I am doing to ease their pain! BEING there- taking them to the beach- to the park- playing baseball-anything I can to keep them busy and happy.
I didn't start to "whine"- this is a legal forum, right? What do lawyers do...argue. My point is that I know I have a valid arguement. I have proof of infidelity- financial detriment- mental abuse to myself and my children. I was reaching for a leg to stand on. Thanks

No you don't have a valid argument. You have whining. Lawyers argue. But you don't like the legal arguments. Understand? You cannot prove mental abuse. Why? Because you have done nothing to alleviate said abuse. The children are not in counseling. You are taking them to the beach and playing ball with them. That is NOT easing their hurt.

So QUIT WHINING and start doing. Get your children counseling. Start making decisions for how you can survive and get a divorce or get therapy to save your marriage. Until you decide to do that, there is not enough help in the world for you.

AllieInVa757 · Jun 17, 2009

Hubby in the house, but won't pay

Ohiogal- I do appreciate the passion you have in your replies, but I think you lack some sensitivity.
Someone explaining how they feel isn't whining. It's human.
You asked what am I doing to ease my children's pain & I told you. FYI- they ARE in counselling, and have been for over 5 mths. You didn't ASK if they were in counselling- you ASSUMED that they weren't. I'm no psychiatrist, so anything outside of mental well-being would fall into my lap as a go-to person for them.
I am making decisions daily about our future. It's just that things do not happen over night like the way you make it sound. You must've never had anything happen to you that is similar to my situation...that is-if you've ever even been married. Perhaps you have and that's why come across so bitter. But I have morals...and a conscience.
I do deserve to pat myself on the back, because I could've done what SO MANY others do in a case of adultery...neglect the children and focus on themselves, begin another relationship w/ someone when this relationship isn't ended, act like they're 35 trying to be 15 again. AT LEAST I can say I have done none of that.

Ohiogal · Jun 17, 2009

Ohiogal- I do appreciate the passion you have in your replies, but I think you lack some sensitivity.

Really? Seriously? Take a guess what I do day in and day out. Please.

Someone explaining how they feel isn't whining. It's human.

Click to expand...

And when it comes with "life isn't fair" and making excuses, that is WHINING.

You asked what am I doing to ease my children's pain & I told you. FYI- they ARE in counselling, and have been for over 5 mths. You didn't ASK if they were in counselling- you ASSUMED that they weren't.

Click to expand...

No. I asked a question. You are the one who did not state that YOU took steps to make sure they get into counseling. You are a parent -- that is YOUR responsibility and falls under what you do.

I'm no psychiatrist, so anything outside of mental well-being would fall into my lap as a go-to person for them.

Click to expand...

WRONG. You are a parent and therefore are expected to be a go to person in order to make proper decisions for most things in your children's lives.

I am making decisions daily about our future. It's just that things do not happen over night like the way you make it sound

Click to expand...

How long has he not been paying half the mortgage? How long has he had a girlfriend and you have known?

You must've never had anything happen to you that is similar to my situation...that is-if you've ever even been married. Perhaps you have and that's why come across so bitter.

Click to expand...

Bitter? Nope. Not at all. Now who is making assumptions. Oh yeah. YOU. Learn a little bit before spouting off. Will you? Because I know more than a bit about what you are talking.

But I have morals...and a conscience.

Click to expand...

Codewords for playing the victim.

I do deserve to pat myself on the back, because I could've done what SO MANY others do in a case of adultery...

Click to expand...

Who says so many others do that?

Neglect the children and focus on themselves, begin another relationship w/ someone when this relationship isn't ended, act like they're 35 trying to be 15 again. AT LEAST I can say I have done none of that.

Click to expand...

You have no clue and quite frankly no facts to back up all that above paragraph. Please don't try to make yourself a martyr. The court does NOT like it. You could end up martying and victimizing your way out of custody.

Isis1 · Jun 17, 2009

dearie, no one is going to give you a pat on the back for doing what you are supposed to be doing which is being a parent.

feel sorry for yourself later. right now, take care of what needs to be taken care of. a divorce, or reconciling the marriage.

Hubby in the house, but won't pay!!!

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AllieInVa757

Junior Member

mistoffolees

Senior Member

AllieInVa757

Junior Member

Proserpina

Senior Member

Ohiogal

Queen Bee

AllieInVa757

Junior Member

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney

slwx

Member

Cassandra123

Member

Ohiogal

Queen Bee

AllieInVa757

Junior Member

Ohiogal

Queen Bee

AllieInVa757

Junior Member

Ohiogal

Queen Bee

Isis1

Senior Member

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