Infidelity- Trying to help Daughter

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Mississippi

My daughter just told me that she has cheated on her husband, and naturally he is ready to break ties with her. She is 21 and in college (which I pay for), they bought a house together about a year ago, and they hae been married for nearly two years. I presume that she has very few assets from the marriage since she is a full time student. She does have a part time job, but not for much money. They recently bought a car together that is in his name, and I think they placed a decent downpayment on it which probably came from the sale of the car that I gave to her, probably in the $5-6k neighborhood. I have advised her to remove her belongings from the house, only the things that she knows are hers, nothing more. I told her to advise him that she was going to do so, and to have the police present if possible. I have also advised her to remove from their joint account whatever money is hers, not a dime more. He has cancelled her debit card, and I am afraid that he will clean out the account. I honestly think that she will not have any cash because he pays most of the bills anyway.

My question is.. what is the quickest way to make this go away. I don't care if she comes away with anything more than what is rightfully hers. I have no desire to cause any hardships or unfair treatment to her husband because he is a great kid that we love dearly, however, I do want to protect my daughter and ensure that she is treated fairly. (I am deeply disappointed with her, but there is nothing like the love you have for your child.. right?)

What should I do?

Thanks

If a marriage counselor is out of the question, she needs a good lawyer.

It is too early to know if a counsler is an option, since it happened so recently he is still pretty bitter. I will encourage her to seek counsleing if it appears to be an option.

As for the attorney, I know we will have to hire one. I advised her of this earlier today when she broke the news to me. I told her to first seek legal consultation so that she will be aware of her rights, and I will help her work out the details with the attorney when I get down there (i live 5 hours from her)

I should have been more specific with my question.. if divorce ultimately turns out to be the solution, what form of divorce is the quickest and "cleanest" to pursue? I have read a little about no fault divorce which appears to me to be the best option. But I presume he will have to agree with this, which probably means she walks away with nothing? My opinion is that it is ok if she gets nothing, as she created this mess. (sounds harsh I know)

Thanks again for your help

tdwilson said:

It is too early to know if a counsler is an option, since it happened so recently he is still pretty bitter. I will encourage her to seek counsleing if it appears to be an option.

As for the attorney, I know we will have to hire one. I advised her of this earlier today when she broke the news to me. I told her to first seek legal consultation so that she will be aware of her rights, and I will help her work out the details with the attorney when I get down there (i live 5 hours from her)

I should have been more specific with my question.. if divorce ultimately turns out to be the solution, what form of divorce is the quickest and "cleanest" to pursue? I have read a little about no fault divorce which appears to me to be the best option. But I presume he will have to agree with this, which probably means she walks away with nothing? My opinion is that it is ok if she gets nothing, as she created this mess. (sounds harsh I know)

Thanks again for your help

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What does SHE think about it?

This is, after all, not your legal matter but hers.

I think you are too involved in this and need to back off.

I see that I left out the part where she called me in tears asking me for help because she didn't know what to do, and could not handle it on her own.

I realize my posts make me look overbearing and controlling, this is simply not true. As for my comment about not caring if she comes away with nothing... I didn't mean that literally, I want her to have all of her personal belongings, anything sentimental such as jewelry and pictures, and any money that may be hers. I stated this in my first post. What I was trying to say is that fighting over the money she may have put down on the car, or figuring out how to split up their furniture, or who gets the LCD TV, etc, is probably not worth the fight if we want this to be over quickly.

Remember, she is a college student with only a part time job. This means I will be footing the bill. We will do it on my terms if she wants me to be involved. I am not going to spend a bunch of money to drag this thing out because she wants the couch.... does that make more sense this time?

tdwilson said:

I see that I left out the part where she called me in tears asking me for help because she didn't know what to do, and could not handle it on her own.

I realize my posts make me look overbearing and controlling, this is simply not true. As for my comment about not caring if she comes away with nothing... I didn't mean that literally, I want her to have all of her personal belongings, anything sentimental such as jewelry and pictures, and any money that may be hers. I stated this in my first post. What I was trying to say is that fighting over the money she may have put down on the car, or figuring out how to split up their furniture, or who gets the LCD TV, etc, is probably not worth the fight if we want this to be over quickly.

Remember, she is a college student with only a part time job. This means I will be footing the bill. We will do it on my terms if she wants me to be involved. I am not going to spend a bunch of money to drag this thing out because she wants the couch.... does that make more sense this time?

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No, seriously - legally she is an adult and needs to be taking care of her own legal matters.

You're not helping her in the long term...trust me. You're really not.

so your suggesting that I turn my back on my child and not offer to help? She is very close to graduation, what if a hands off approach from me causes so much stress that she can't perfom in class and fails or drops out as a result? What if she makes poor decisions in this matter that she may regret for the rest of her life? After all, she has clearly shown the ability to make poor decisions..

I realize that 21 is legally an adult, but is 21 really mature enough to be considered an adult, with experience enough to make rational and objective decisions? Only in rare cases IMO.

I understand the idea that the best lessons learned are the ones that are learned through heartache and mistakes, but I think there exceptions to that rule.

You make her some hot chocolate, hug her and tell her everything will be ok, and if you can and want to help her pay for her lawyer, you can do that. But other then that, you can be supportive without telling her what to do or taking charge. She is grown up enough to get married, so now she's grown up enough to get divorced.

tdwilson said:

so your suggesting that I turn my back on my child and not offer to help? She is very close to graduation, what if a hands off approach from me causes so much stress that she can't perfom in class and fails or drops out as a result? What if she makes poor decisions in this matter that she may regret for the rest of her life? After all, she has clearly shown the ability to make poor decisions..

I realize that 21 is legally an adult, but is 21 really mature enough to be considered an adult, with experience enough to make rational and objective decisions? Only in rare cases IMO.

I understand the idea that the best lessons learned are the ones that are learned through heartache and mistakes, but I think there exceptions to that rule.

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If at 21 she is mature enough to be married, she is also mature enough to deal with her own legal issues.

Your role is to support her - not to make the decisions for her. Even if she messes up now, it's up to her.

I understand what both of you are saying, and I don't disagree. However, put yourself in my shoes... what if this was your child?

At least answer my question, what is the quickest and cleanest way to divorce?

Thanks for your input and advice.

tdwilson said:

I understand what both of you are saying, and I don't disagree. However, put yourself in my shoes... what if this was your child?

At least answer my question, what is the quickest and cleanest way to divorce?

Thanks for your input and advice.

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An attorney.

tdwilson said:

I understand what both of you are saying, and I don't disagree. However, put yourself in my shoes... what if this was your child?

At least answer my question, what is the quickest and cleanest way to divorce?

Thanks for your input and advice.

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If it wre MY child, I'd want her to have developed the independence and self confidence to handle her financial and legal needs completely on her own.

After all, someday she will be an adult and will necessarily have her mom or dad around to depend upon. I want her to be able to do just fine if I'm NOT there anymore to help. To know what to do herself.

In my work, I see way too many adults who can't function independently once mom and dad are gone. I want my kiddo to be just fine with whatever life throws at her, even if I'm not there to help her pick up the pieces.

tdwilson said:

I see that I left out the part where she called me in tears asking me for help because she didn't know what to do, and could not handle it on her own.

I realize my posts make me look overbearing and controlling, this is simply not true. As for my comment about not caring if she comes away with nothing... I didn't mean that literally, I want her to have all of her personal belongings, anything sentimental such as jewelry and pictures, and any money that may be hers. I stated this in my first post. What I was trying to say is that fighting over the money she may have put down on the car, or figuring out how to split up their furniture, or who gets the LCD TV, etc, is probably not worth the fight if we want this to be over quickly.

Remember, she is a college student with only a part time job. This means I will be footing the bill. We will do it on my terms if she wants me to be involved. I am not going to spend a bunch of money to drag this thing out because she wants the couch.... does that make more sense this time?

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Sorry but she is an adult. She is the one who screwed around and committed adultery. What she should have done is kept her marriage vows. What money is hers? most likely only the money earned from her part time job. You have no right to dictate the terms and an attorney will NOT allow you to dictate the terms.

tdwilson said:

so your suggesting that I turn my back on my child and not offer to help? She is very close to graduation, what if a hands off approach from me causes so much stress that she can't perfom in class and fails or drops out as a result? What if she makes poor decisions in this matter that she may regret for the rest of her life? After all, she has clearly shown the ability to make poor decisions..

I realize that 21 is legally an adult, but is 21 really mature enough to be considered an adult, with experience enough to make rational and objective decisions? Only in rare cases IMO.

I understand the idea that the best lessons learned are the ones that are learned through heartache and mistakes, but I think there exceptions to that rule.

Click to expand...

She already made a poor decision to have an affair. If she has to fail or drop out -- it is called CONSEQUENCES. Exceptions to that rule? Like what -- she can act however she wishes and mommy will ride in with money to save the day? Or constantly bail her out no matter how pathetically she acts?