Cohabition - AL

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Alabama

My ex wife has moved out of state. In our divorce decree the standard parenting clause states as follows.

"During any period of overnight visitation with and/or exercise of custody of the parties' minor children, neither party shall allow any person of the opposite sex to whom she or he is not related by blood or mariage, and with who he or she is involved in a romantic and/or sexual relationship, to stay overnight in the same place with the parties' children."

We have both since moved on and are seeing other people. I find it to be quite a double standard that she has a boyfriend who has stayed over (she has custody and is in another state) however my girlfriend has to leave. Is there any way around this, can I do anything other than get married.

Just because Mom is in another state doesn't mean the court order doesn't apply to her. If you wanted to file contempt, certainly that is an option although I'm not sure how much good it would do you.

Have you actually talked to Mom about this?

WittyUserName said:

Just because Mom is in another state doesn't mean the court order doesn't apply to her. If you wanted to file contempt, certainly that is an option although I'm not sure how much good it would do you.

Have you actually talked to Mom about this?

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Nope. We have been less than civil to say the least. Thing is she has custody of him and I'm sure if she found out she'd just not allow him to come anymore. I want to know if that is binding. Its not even a state statute from what I gather. It is a county statute.

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/childs-birthday-visitation-law-431099-p2.html

https://forum.freeadvice.com/child-custody-visitation-37/childs-birthday-visitation-law-431099-p2.html#post2047584

NorthStar00 said:

Nope. We have been less than civil to say the least. Thing is she has custody of him and I'm sure if she found out she'd just not allow him to come anymore. I want to know if that is binding. Its not even a state statute from what I gather. It is a county statute.

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It's not a statute at all. It's part of the decree.

OK, so Mom is in contempt. You are free to file for contempt, but the judge might just throw it out - some judges would not enforce a decree like that but others would.

But if the two of you can't even talk about things, I'd say THAT is probably hurting the child more than Mom having a boyfriend. Personally, I think sleepover adult guests is a lousy idea - but not even being able to talk to your ex about the child is even worse. Seems to me that if you make an issue of the BF, you're going to make the REAL problem even worse.

mistoffolees said:

It's not a statute at all. It's part of the decree.

OK, so Mom is in contempt. You are free to file for contempt, but the judge might just throw it out - some judges would not enforce a decree like that but others would.

But if the two of you can't even talk about things, I'd say THAT is probably hurting the child more than Mom having a boyfriend. Personally, I think sleepover adult guests is a lousy idea - but not even being able to talk to your ex about the child is even worse. Seems to me that if you make an issue of the BF, you're going to make the REAL problem even worse.

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Totally agree. But Mom also cannot withhold your visitation; if she doesn't make the child available for your court-ordered time that is also a contempt issue. A judge may see the interruption of visitation as a bigger issue than significant others staying the night.

I hate those clauses for divorced people.

One would think that parents wouldn't even need to think about whether or not it's a great idea to bring a new partner into the home for sleepovers is a good idea. Especially when the situation is relatively new. And it shouldn't be a case of "Well, s/he does it! Why can't *I*?!?!?!"

OP - let's be realistic. You're not looking at this as a situation which may be causing your child distress. You're looking at it as something she's getting away with and you can't. Grow up, even if she won't. No one told you life was fair, and no one promised you a rose garden.

OP - How old are the kids and how often do they come stay with you? Is it really that big a deal for your GF to go home when it sets a good model for the kids?

How do you know Mom lets the BF stay over?

majomom1 said:

OP - How old are the kids and how often do they come stay with you? Is it really that big a deal for your GF to go home when it sets a good model for the kids?

How do you know Mom lets the BF stay over?

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9. Comes about 4 times a year. GF has move from out of state, 3 hours away, so its not as simple as her going home down the street. Sorry for leaving out so much detail.

stealth2 said:

One would think that parents wouldn't even need to think about whether or not it's a great idea to bring a new partner into the home for sleepovers is a good idea. Especially when the situation is relatively new. And it shouldn't be a case of "Well, s/he does it! Why can't *I*?!?!?!"

OP - let's be realistic. You're not looking at this as a situation which may be causing your child distress. You're looking at it as something she's getting away with and you can't. Grow up, even if she won't. No one told you life was fair, and no one promised you a rose garden.

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Its new, well 6 months new anyways which is relatively new. I honestly don't care if he stays the night. Its the fact that I know she can basically say "I'm not going to let him come". I've spoken with my lawyer and he said a judge more than likely won't do anything about the situation. They know people live together unmarried all the time. Thats not to say the judge WON'T do anything however it is unlikely. So basically he said it was a judgement call on my part. Had my girlfriend lived CLOSE and not MOVED to be here with me I'd of course ask if she stayed at her house overnight when she was here. That isn't an option for me.

NorthStar00 said:

9. Comes about 4 times a year. GF has move from out of state, 3 hours away, so its not as simple as her going home down the street. Sorry for leaving out so much detail.


Its new, well 6 months new anyways which is relatively new. I honestly don't care if he stays the night. Its the fact that I know she can basically say "I'm not going to let him come". I've spoken with my lawyer and he said a judge more than likely won't do anything about the situation. They know people live together unmarried all the time. Thats not to say the judge WON'T do anything however it is unlikely. So basically he said it was a judgement call on my part. Had my girlfriend lived CLOSE and not MOVED to be here with me I'd of course ask if she stayed at her house overnight when she was here. That isn't an option for me.

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So, if its not an option for you how can you try to claim that its an option for mom?...AND vice versa. It sounds to me like neither one of you can enforce that particular provision of the divorce decree.

NorthStar00 said:

9. Comes about 4 times a year. GF has move from out of state, 3 hours away, so its not as simple as her going home down the street. Sorry for leaving out so much detail.


Its new, well 6 months new anyways which is relatively new. I honestly don't care if he stays the night. Its the fact that I know she can basically say "I'm not going to let him come". I've spoken with my lawyer and he said a judge more than likely won't do anything about the situation. They know people live together unmarried all the time. Thats not to say the judge WON'T do anything however it is unlikely. So basically he said it was a judgement call on my part. Had my girlfriend lived CLOSE and not MOVED to be here with me I'd of course ask if she stayed at her house overnight when she was here. That isn't an option for me.

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How long are the kids there? If it's just a couple of days, gf could always stay at a budget hotel. Or, does she have any friends in town she can stay with? Or, camping out. Or any number of other options.

I'm not saying you should have to do that, but there are always options.

can you get the order modified? Seems mom may go along with it if you state it in a nice way during discussion how it applies to both of you.

majomom1 said:

How do you know Mom lets the BF stay over?

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Please respond. Thx.