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Sad Daddy in Pain - Please Help !

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rj2010

Junior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hi All,
This is long, sorry - but my son is at stake and I need your help, advice......

My wife and I have been married 8 years, and we have a 4-year old son.
We have been having financial problems, and I had trouble finding work, and over time, my wife became more and more distant. A few months back, I got the, "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech. Since then, she has made some new, "friends", of which she has been open about. However, after my sixth sense was raised, I began to pry, and then her Blackberry got password protected, and I caught her calling the guy one night from downstairs. From what I understood from mails that I saw, he was not really into her, but more so as support since he is a 3x divorcee and fed up with women and they were helping each other.

I saw a mail from him telling her to make things work with me and not to give up on our relationship, so I was glad, but upon my prying, she told me she likes him...a lot. She said she sees a lot of me in him, but without the financial struggles, pending home loss, etc.

Anyway, that night I caught her on the phone, she called him since she heard he was just out of the hospital. When I caught her, I accused her of being a sneak and a liar, and I called him in front of her. He told me what I expected from what I read, that she coaches him through his stuff and says he has been helpful. OK, I have no proof of B.S going on, but she said it's a one-way street, where she really likes him, but he has "0" interest in her, and she thinks that's part of the enticement.

OK, my predicament is that we were contemplating a Legal Separation before this, and yes, I do care about her, but a lot is at stake, since my little boy idolizes his Daddy, and it will tear both him and I apart to be living apart....so can I bust her? Can I file divorce papers for infidelity? Right now, her income trumps mine by a lot, but is this an emotional affair? Is it infidelity?

More details: My son has his granparents and aunt/uncle here in New York, and they are all my immediate family, and her family doesn't live anywhere close. Wouldn't it be beneficial for him to be with his Dad?


Some help...any help...please !!

Signed,
Sad Daddy in Pain
 


Zigner

Zigner

Senior Member, Non-Attorney
rj2010 said:
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

Hi All,
This is long, sorry - but my son is at stake and I need your help, advice......

My wife and I have been married 8 years, and we have a 4-year old son.
We have been having financial problems, and I had trouble finding work, and over time, my wife became more and more distant. A few months back, I got the, "I love you, but am not in love with you" speech. Since then, she has made some new, "friends", of which she has been open about. However, after my sixth sense was raised, I began to pry, and then her Blackberry got password protected, and I caught her calling the guy one night from downstairs. From what I understood from mails that I saw, he was not really into her, but more so as support since he is a 3x divorcee and fed up with women and they were helping each other.

I saw a mail from him telling her to make things work with me and not to give up on our relationship, so I was glad, but upon my prying, she told me she likes him...a lot. She said she sees a lot of me in him, but without the financial struggles, pending home loss, etc.

Anyway, that night I caught her on the phone, she called him since she heard he was just out of the hospital. When I caught her, I accused her of being a sneak and a liar, and I called him in front of her. He told me what I expected from what I read, that she coaches him through his stuff and says he has been helpful. OK, I have no proof of B.S going on, but she said it's a one-way street, where she really likes him, but he has "0" interest in her, and she thinks that's part of the enticement.

OK, my predicament is that we were contemplating a Legal Separation before this, and yes, I do care about her, but a lot is at stake, since my little boy idolizes his Daddy, and it will tear both him and I apart to be living apart....so can I bust her? Can I file divorce papers for infidelity? Right now, her income trumps mine by a lot, but is this an emotional affair? Is it infidelity?

More details: My son has his granparents and aunt/uncle here in New York, and they are all my immediate family, and her family doesn't live anywhere close. Wouldn't it be beneficial for him to be with his Dad?


Some help...any help...please !!

Signed,
Sad Daddy in Pain
Click to expand...

Why bother trying to "get her" for infidility? Just file for a divorce - according to ALL evidence you have presented, she hasn't had ANY sort of an affair, much less an "emotional" affair.

To be honest, your "prying" borders on illegal.
 
I

Isis1

Senior Member
What would be beneficial is to have mom AND dad work out their differences to the child's benefit so the child can have both parents equally in his life.

Mom not having family close by does not hurt her as you having family close by does nothing to help you.

Who is the primary caretaker for the child?
 
M

mistoffolees

Senior Member
Zigner said:
Why bother trying to "get her" for infidility? Just file for a divorce - according to ALL evidence you have presented, she hasn't had ANY sort of an affair, much less an "emotional" affair.
Click to expand...
The ability to file for a no-fault divorce in NY is quite new. OP may not have known about that option.

Isis1 said:
What would be beneficial is to have mom AND dad work out their differences to the child's benefit so the child can have both parents equally in his life.

Mom not having family close by does not hurt her as you having family close by does nothing to help you.

Who is the primary caretaker for the child?
Click to expand...
I agree completely. I think OP needs to talk with his wife to see if their marriage can be saved. A book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" might help the two of them understand what they want and need. (I went to look up the title and don't have it. I hate it when I loan books out and the person doesn't return them. Darn). Either that, or get into counseling. It is not sounding to me like there's no hope - they may just be under a great deal of stress from the financial situation and need some help dealing with that.
 
R

rj2010

Junior Member
I have access to the WIFE of the guy talking to my wife (the wife he is supposedly very in love with, per my wife)....should I befriend her on Facebook to give her a heads up? It's a golden opportunity....but I need to think this out...



Thoughts???
 
stealth2

stealth2

Under the Radar Member
rj2010 said:
I have access to the WIFE of the guy talking to my wife (the wife he is supposedly very in love with, per my wife)....should I befriend her on Facebook to give her a heads up? It's a golden opportunity....but I need to think this out...



Thoughts???
Click to expand...
Golden opportunity for what, exactly?
 
M

mistoffolees

Senior Member
rj2010 said:
I have access to the WIFE of the guy talking to my wife (the wife he is supposedly very in love with, per my wife)....should I befriend her on Facebook to give her a heads up? It's a golden opportunity....but I need to think this out...



Thoughts???
Click to expand...
No. First, your own snooping showed that the guy is nothing more than a friend to your wife. There's is nothing illegal about having friends of the opposite sex.

Second, by making accusations (or even insinuating that something is happening), you could be opening yourself to significant liability. Possibly criminal penalties and possibly civil penalties (depending on what state he lives in).

You have a problem with your wife. Either fix it or get a divorce. Dragging others into it does not help anyone. Read the advice I gave you above and get the book I suggested or get counseling.

I would also like to point out that your "Sad Daddy in Pain" title is extremely misleading. There's nothing in this post that suggests that your parenting has been harmed in any way. You're still living with the child by your choice. So stop with the drama.
 
R

rj2010

Junior Member
No - I guess I figured to nail this guy after he told me on the phone they were JUST friends.....

But, understood
 
R

rj2010

Junior Member
Told me he'd never even take her out for a drink...until there were papers....
She called him before she went out last night.....and was secretive and did not say anything re: where she was going...

There were no papers signed yet......he thinks he can have his wife AND mine? It's just wrong....

But I heed the above advice in light of the bigger picture !
 
M

mistoffolees

Senior Member
rj2010 said:
Told me he'd never even take her out for a drink...until there were papers....
She called him before she went out last night.....and was secretive and did not say anything re: where she was going...

There were no papers signed yet......he thinks he can have his wife AND mine? It's just wrong....
Click to expand...
He's apparently being a friend to your wife and encouraging her to get back together with you. What's wrong about that?

Your wife is probably getting disgusted with your paranoia and snooping and wants a mature adult to talk to. Since you're unwilling to be that mature adult, she talks to someone else.

You really need to get counseling help. NOW.
 
CJane

CJane

Senior Member
mistoffolees said:
Your wife is probably getting disgusted with your paranoia and snooping and wants a mature adult to talk to. Since you're unwilling to be that mature adult, she talks to someone else.
Click to expand...
OH. EM. GEE.

WHY do men (mostly) believe that pushing and shoving their way into the private business of their SO is going to result in the doors being thrown open and light being shed in every dark corner?

Lemme tell you OP, trying to break into a woman's "house" is going to result in the installation of deadbolts, an alarm system, a big nasty dog, and rabid sharks with lasers mounted on their heads. The more you push and shove and snoop and pry and demand "explanations" from her, the more she's going to avoid you, sneak around, hide from you, and turn away.

EVEN IF she's NOT having an affair right now, you will PUSH HER INTO ONE with your behavior. You've become unbearable to be around, untrustworthy, suspicious, angry, bitter... the list goes on.

Just because YOU have decided she's having an affair does NOT make it true. Believe me. My ex will swear til the day he dies that I cheated on him with every man within 100 miles. And his behavior mirrored yours. It doesn't matter that I never once cheated on him. Ever. Or anyone else in my entire life. What matters to HIM is that HE decided it was true. HE started looking for "markers" in my behavior that "proved" him right, he THOUGHT he found them. He insisted that all of his snooping and prying, and leaving voice-activated recorders lying around the house, and putting keyloggers on the computer, and tracking phone calls, was because he "loved me" and "wanted to protect me".

But dude, it's psycho. If you were doing those things to a person you WEREN'T married to, she'd file a restraining order so fast your head would spin. Your refusal to see your own insane behavior for what it is is disturbing.

When you're divorced, are you going to drive by her house in the middle of the night to try and see if she has guests later than your predetermined curfew? Question your son when he arrives at your house about what Mommy's been "up to"? Show him pictures of the man you think she's schtupping, to see if that guy's been hanging around?

My ex once said "I just don't like other dogs sniffing around my bitch and my yard, even if they're only passing by." It's a disgusting attitude, and it's what you're sporting.
 
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