I just want to know what I'm getting myself into...

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Tennessee

I have had a seriously ugly separation from my daughters father. We aren't married, and I live with my fiancee 2 hours away from him. He constantly threatens to take me to court for not letting him see/have his daughter. She is 16 months old. I left him when she was 6 months old. He was a drug user, verbal abuser (has thrown things in angry fits at even video games), left me with her while he went and had fun with friends, used to complain about how I didn't do things, yet he would come home from work "to tired" to watch her for an hour so I could do dishes and he's play video games. She rolled off the couch once because of him not paying attention. I left him under these circumstances. He has finally come to realize he has anger problems, he is now in counseling for suicidal tendencies and depression. Tells me all the time it's my fault, and how he didn't deserve me leaving him. He wants me to bring his daughter to see him but he refuses to help me with travel because "He isn't responsible for her when she's not with him."

I've tried to speak with him numerous times. But he always gets angry because he can't understand what he was and wasn't doing was wrong. He's not in a good place, I understand this. I don't want to expose my daughter to his problems. He doesn't get it. I am tired of his threats, I've said what I can. He's been all talk lately, so I am filing for Child Support if he wants Visitations, it will be up to the court to decide. I just need help understanding what I am about to get myself into.

He is 25, I am 21. I went through hell and back to try and be with him. He was always a drug user, ended up on probation for it right after we found out we were pregnant. I thought he would change.. but there was no changing someone who was being as selfish a child-man as he.

ok, to start:

has paternity been legally established? That would require either the both of you filling out and signing an AOP or there was a court action that ruled him to be the father.

Unless one of those has happened, he is not the legal father and as such, has no rights to anything concerning the child until he does establish paternity.

Then, is there a court order of visitation in place? If not, you are not required to allow visitation until he seeks a court order defining the times he is allowed to see the child.

We did an affidavit when she was born, so that he would be stated he was her father. But neither of us have done anything in court or any sort over this yet. I am about to file for a Child Support Case through the local Department.

the mother has default custody of the child. As such, until somebody files for a visitation order, he has no rights to demand anything.

You definitely do not have to bear the costs of transporting the child to see him as things are. A court can order you to do many things which providing transportation of the child could be one of them but until the court rules on it, you are not required to do much of anything.

Oh, okay. See no one will tell me this stuff. Attorneys want to be paid, just to answer a few question.
So, since all he ever does is threaten, I shouldn't worry about anything right now? He has no money to his name at the moment. So he can't really get an attorney to even help him take me to court..

I mean, I am filing for Child Support, my fiancee has family who are just as tired of all this as I am, and are willing to put up the money for an attorney if I need it.
He hates the very thought of Child Support, and I'm done with him harassing me all the time. I'm to the point that I don't care how bad his life is right now (which is why I refrained from taking it this far until now). I'll show him how much harder it can be if he doesn't stop being this way.
He will come down to having two choices; Sign over his rights as her father, and he will never have to pay me a dime (while also being able to be a part of her life once she's old enough to make that choice). Or we go through with all this, so he will pay for 18yrs, and be drug tested every month, just to be able to spend a couple hours a month with her.

he, nor you, need an attorney to take this to court. The family courts in most states are intentionally made to be accessible to people to utilize without an attorney although an attorney is almost always of benefit.

Sign over his rights as her father, and he will never have to pay me a dime

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that isn't going to happen, at least as an enforceable agreement. A court will not *******ize a child without serious justification. An agreement outside of court is not enforceable.

Or we go through with all this, so he will pay for 18yrs, and be drug tested every month, just to be able to spend a couple hours a month with her.

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or he can file for physical custody of the child and sue you for child support if he is given primary custody. Given the situation as described that isn't likely but he could try.

as to a couple hours a month: he will be given more time than that including, most likely, alternate weekends once the child is over about 3 years old. He will also likely be given a couple of weeks, or more, in the summer and alternating holidays.

You need to ease up on the anger and deal with this in a calm and logical manner. Until such time his rights are terminated, he is the father of the child and as such, has rights to be act as a father. Be cautious trying to remove his rights. It can backfire.

misaxchan10 said:

Oh, okay. See no one will tell me this stuff. Attorneys want to be paid, just to answer a few question.
So, since all he ever does is threaten, I shouldn't worry about anything right now? He has no money to his name at the moment. So he can't really get an attorney to even help him take me to court..

I mean, I am filing for Child Support, my fiancee has family who are just as tired of all this as I am, and are willing to put up the money for an attorney if I need it.
He hates the very thought of Child Support, and I'm done with him harassing me all the time. I'm to the point that I don't care how bad his life is right now (which is why I refrained from taking it this far until now). I'll show him how much harder it can be if he doesn't stop being this way.
He will come down to having two choices; Sign over his rights as her father, and he will never have to pay me a dime (while also being able to be a part of her life once she's old enough to make that choice). Or we go through with all this, so he will pay for 18yrs, and be drug tested every month, just to be able to spend a couple hours a month with her.

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Your current boyfriend and his family should stay out of this. They will hurt this situation. REALLY! Grow up and stop relying on others for YOUR parental choices.

And your financial blackmail will also hurt you in court.

Grow up.

justalayman said:

he, nor you, need an attorney to take this to court. The family courts in most states are intentionally made to be accessible to people to utilize without an attorney although an attorney is almost always of benefit.

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I was told once he would need to pay someone, I wasn't sure.

justalayman said:

that isn't going to happen, at least as an enforceable agreement. A court will not *******ize a child without serious justification. An agreement outside of court is not enforceable.

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Okay, someone told me this happened once in their family. Thank you for letting me know.

justalayman said:

or he can file for physical custody of the child and sue you for child support if he is given primary custody. Given the situation as described that isn't likely but he could try.

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He won't get custody, that's for sure..

justalayman said:

as to a couple hours a month: he will be given more time than that including, most likely, alternate weekends once the child is over about 3 years old. He will also likely be given a couple of weeks, or more, in the summer and alternating holidays.

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I know.. I was exaggerating. It's just since I learned the real him, he's not passed a drug test. I don't see it lasting long even if he managed a couple times. He's not the kind of person who can quit bad habits.

justalayman said:

You need to ease up on the anger and deal with this in a calm and logical manner. Until such time his rights are terminated, he is the father of the child and as such, has rights to be act as a father. Be cautious trying to remove his rights. It can backfire.

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I've honestly not been very angry with all this. Definitely not as much as him.
I didn't want to take him to court in the first place. But he's been throwing around all these empty threats, and then threatens violence towards my fiancee for trying to be with me, and taking care of his daughter the way he couldn't. I'm done sitting back and listening to him bark.

Blue Meanie said:

Your current boyfriend and his family should stay out of this. They will hurt this situation. REALLY! Grow up and stop relying on others for YOUR parental choices.

And your financial blackmail will also hurt you in court.

Grow up.

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My parental choices are not in question. I was smart enough to get out of a bad situation and get my daughter into a health home and environment, before her father became any worse of a person to be around.
Right now, I'm just trying to understand what I need to know before I go into this Child Support case. I'm asking for help about that, not my Parental situation.
And what Financial Blackmail? My "Family" is only trying to help me so I do not stress out about the situation, by being there for me since I've so stressed out over all this.
I am more grown up then any of my friends who had children before me. I've made my mistakes, I've chosen bad friends, I've been with bad men. But that's what's made me strong enough to realize that my daughter and I deserved more then a hot head who was never home and disconnected himself by smoking himself into a weed coma most nights.

misaxchan10 said:

I was told once he would need to pay someone, I wasn't sure.



Okay, someone told me this happened once in their family. Thank you for letting me know.



He won't get custody, that's for sure..



I know.. I was exaggerating. It's just since I learned the real him, he's not passed a drug test. I don't see it lasting long even if he managed a couple times. He's not the kind of person who can quit bad habits.



I've honestly not been very angry with all this. Definitely not as much as him.
I didn't want to take him to court in the first place. But he's been throwing around all these empty threats, and then threatens violence towards my fiancee for trying to be with me, and taking care of his daughter the way he couldn't. I'm done sitting back and listening to him bark.



My parental choices are not in question. I was smart enough to get out of a bad situation and get my daughter into a health home and environment, before her father became any worse of a person to be around.
Right now, I'm just trying to understand what I need to know before I go into this Child Support case. I'm asking for help about that, not my Parental situation.
And what Financial Blackmail? My "Family" is only trying to help me so I do not stress out about the situation, by being there for me since I've so stressed out over all this.
I am more grown up then any of my friends who had children before me. I've made my mistakes, I've chosen bad friends, I've been with bad men. But that's what's made me strong enough to realize that my daughter and I deserved more then a hot head who was never home and disconnected himself by smoking himself into a weed coma most nights.

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You are acting like a child. PER your POSTINGS on this forum.

Blue Meanie said:

You are acting like a child. PER your POSTINGS on this forum.

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Are you going to keep calling me immature or are you actually going to say something useful?
I have nothing against you, even after what you've said. I'm sure I sound like a child to anyone who's 20+ years older than me and/or have never been around a situation similar to mine.

What you say to me means nothing in comparison to the problems I have pledging my mind right now. So unless you have more witty input, or something that might actually stand to be relevant to my issues I have so openly asked help with; Then just leave my thread alone.

You are not worth the time of day to a "Child" like me. Good day to you Sir/Ma'am.

misaxchan10 said:

Are you going to keep calling me immature or are you actually going to say something useful?
I have nothing against you, even after what you've said. I'm sure I sound like a child to anyone who's 20+ years older than me and/or have never been around a situation similar to mine.What you say to me means nothing in comparison to the problems I have pledging my mind right now. So unless you have more witty input, or something that might actually stand to be relevant to my issues I have so openly asked help with; Then just leave my thread alone.

You are not worth the time of day to a "Child" like me. Good day to you Sir/Ma'am.

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Darling Girl,

First and foremost.... the bolded is something we see day in and day out, here. MOST of the more senior members have gone through something eerily similar to what you are. Myself included.

Personal advice: Do this either on your own or with the help of an attorney. Keep the boyfriends family and the boyfriend out of it. Their interference could hurt your case, or seriously backfire on you.

Your thoughts to tell Dad to sign over his rights in exchange for no child support could lose you custody, if he chooses to pursue his right to YOUR (as in PLURAL) child. Get used to referring to your child as "OURS".... but "we" were never pregnant. As far as from a LEGAL standpoint, there is no WE until Dad is/was adjudicated as DAD...

Lose the attitude. It's not going to help you.

THinking that he could/would NEVER get custody, is exactly the kind of attitude you DON'T want to have going into this. The fact that he is a drug user will not come into play. He's never been (that you've said) FOUND GUILTY of child abuse/neglect, etc, and you had a child with him, KNOWING that this was an issue. Yet, you chose to have a child with him. So, unless YOUR (again, plural) child will share parents and time.... IF he chooses to follow up on his threats.

Artemis_ofthe_Hunt said:

Darling Girl,

First and foremost.... the bolded is something we see day in and day out, here. MOST of the more senior members have gone through something eerily similar to what you are. Myself included.

Personal advice: Do this either on your own or with the help of an attorney. Keep the boyfriends family and the boyfriend out of it. Their interference could hurt your case, or seriously backfire on you.

Your thoughts to tell Dad to sign over his rights in exchange for no child support could lose you custody, if he chooses to pursue his right to YOUR (as in PLURAL) child. Get used to referring to your child as "OURS".... but "we" were never pregnant. As far as from a LEGAL standpoint, there is no WE until Dad is/was adjudicated as DAD...

Lose the attitude. It's not going to help you.

THinking that he could/would NEVER get custody, is exactly the kind of attitude you DON'T want to have going into this. The fact that he is a drug user will not come into play. He's never been (that you've said) FOUND GUILTY of child abuse/neglect, etc, and you had a child with him, KNOWING that this was an issue. Yet, you chose to have a child with him. So, unless YOUR (again, plural) child will share parents and time.... IF he chooses to follow up on his threats.

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My boyfriends (fiancee) grandparents offered to get me an attorney. That's the only way he would be involved at all. Besides, maybe watching my little girl while I am in the court room. I never planned on getting an attorney though, or having him around for any more of this than I have to. I never said anything more on that before. They offered to help on the money front, and that was it.

I have tried not to have an attitude. I've tried to be as calm as I can with him since he started all the talk with me on taking me to court first. I've told him that this won't be easy if one of us does it. I told him in the beginning when I left that he can call anytime to see how she is doing. But when he calls, it's all about arguing and complaining how bad his life is, and how he's getting help, and it's all my fault. I could get into his history, tell you he's had problems since he was 8... But I won't it doesn't matter. All that's going to matter is the right now.

I never wanted to keep her from him. I never planned on lying to her about her father once she was old enough to understand. It happened to me. But I was 3 when my parents separated. I remember all the anger and fighting. My mother used to speak badly about my father all the time. He had his problems, as did my mother. They were young (my mother also had 2 other children in Florida). And it didn't work out.
I would NEVER speak badly about her father in front of her. I don't want him to continue living the lifestyle he is now. That's all I've ever tried to tell him. It's because he can't be sober for a day, that I've kept her from him.

Also, I was stranded in Florida for the time I was with him. It wasn't until 4 months in our relationship that I even knew I was pregnant. I had been having ovarian problems with constant bleeding, and he was going to be leaving me for a girl he worked for when I even learned I was pregnant. I had made plans to finally get back to my mothers (I had even considered adoption, or worse because I was so scared.), but he told me that I wasn't going anywhere. He said he would get better, change his attitude. I stayed with him because I trusted him. This is where it got me.

I don't regret begin with him. I have a happy beautiful baby girl from it. Yes, I guess I should have left at that time though. But I wanted to try. For the baby. For him, I though he really would change for her sake, however, I was wrong in the end. I went through hell and back with, for him before we moving to NC 3 months before she was born. Even then he didn't show signs of getting help. He only became angrier and more distant because I was apparently holding him back. In which case I offered to leave, and he just yelled at me about how I wasn't trying hard enough to see his changes and how hard he was working.

So when she as 6 months old, I had enough of the fighting and the anger he couldn't control. It was only a matter of time before he smoked some weed laced with something else. I wasn't waiting to be physically abused on top of the verbal. So I left when he went to work. 2 months later my friend helped me out with some diapers and other supplies for the baby, I moved to Knoxville to actually find a job, and I've been with my college crush since he graduated in May '11.

All I wanted from here was some advice on what to expect. I know I've said some things on here out of anger. I apologize for letting my feelings of irritation for the boy get in the way of my clearer thinking. I just hoped to find some answers, before I got to court. It could be 1 months, or 3 months, before it happens.. I've just been frazzled with family dying, family being sick, looking for work, and being a full time mother. Which is, in itself, a full time job. I don't look for judgment. I only hope for guidance from a source who knows what they are talking about in the situation of going to court. Not on being a good parent.

I'm sure to many, my way of thinking is not the norm. I am 21. This is my first child. I was raised in a rather verbally abusive home. I despise confrontation. And I've always tried to get along with anyone I meet. It's harder to do that now, since I'm a single mother. But I still try to be as light hearted as I used to be... I've never smoked anything in my life. And I had a glass of wine on New Years. I'm not perfect, by no means. I made bad decisions, I've trusted the wrong people, but I want to give my daughter the best I can, in light of the little life I've had so far.

You can file for child support without a lawyer, and without adding in visitation. You have sole custody, because you were not married.

Don't do it vindictively, do it to support your kiddo. It's a PITA to beg and plead for money, or feel like a nag, so getting support garnished is actually a big weight off your relationship.

Call your local child support agency, and get the ball rolling. And don't get so worked up and mean. Just parent your child, and if he files (which he may not EVER - save your lawyer or your grandparent's lawyer money) until you need it. He may NEVER file. My ex never filed. I've BTDT.

OP- I believe I read somewhere in your post that you live in Knox County. If so, Knox County has a whole slew of local rules that usually apply with custody.

What I am not certain of is if they apply equally to unmarried and married couples so you would want clarification. They have a temporary parenting schedule if there are no court orders to allow both parents time. They also have a local rule that prohibits smoking in the home or vehicle with the child present.

Knox County is different than most of TN in that the also consider verbal abuse VERY seriously. There is a whole different "feel" to their family court system than most of the rest of the state.

If you go through CSE for child support they will give some vague version of visitation to their Father once he's established as Father.

For all the above, I think you would be very wise to get a consult with a local attorney familiar with the Court system there before I would file for child support through CSE or consider filing anything. I think it would be worth it's weight in gold to get insight to their local system. I believe it would be money well spent.

neopandora said:

OP- I believe I read somewhere in your post that you live in Knox County. If so, Knox County has a whole slew of local rules that usually apply with custody.

What I am not certain of is if they apply equally to unmarried and married couples so you would want clarification. They have a temporary parenting schedule if there are no court orders to allow both parents time. They also have a local rule that prohibits smoking in the home or vehicle with the child present.

Knox County is different than most of TN in that the also consider verbal abuse VERY seriously. There is a whole different "feel" to their family court system than most of the rest of the state.

If you go through CSE for child support they will give some vague version of visitation to their Father once he's established as Father.

For all the above, I think you would be very wise to get a consult with a local attorney familiar with the Court system there before I would file for child support through CSE or consider filing anything. I think it would be worth it's weight in gold to get insight to their local system. I believe it would be money well spent.

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Thank you for your advice. I will speak with my grandparents about this. I appreciate this greatly. I just spoke with "him" a couple hours ago on the phone. He has apparently been diagnosed with Bio-polar disorder. Which explains a lot about his behavior then and now.

I will look into Knox County laws. I did not realize certain things could be different within a county. I thought it would all pertain to the state completely.
Thank you again.