Stephen991
Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? AZ
Would like everyone's take on this situation. Sorry for its length. But would you grab a cup of coffee and give this a read through, and let me know what you think?
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My mother has been married 3 times. Most recently her third marriage, 9 years ago at age 60. I am her only son of 35 years, and her only direct family.
Prior to her marriage, she designated me as beneficiary on her $300,000... 401k account.
Upon marrying, her third husband signed her name as beneficiary on everything he had. He did not create a will, or an estate plan, or a trust of any kind. Just signed her name as bene. She was given the opportunity to do the same, but sent a letter back commenting that she did not wish to change beneficiaries, but instead wanted to consult an estate planning attorney and discuss putting together an intelligent plan.
The husband held a very high paying job, and the day they married, he was laid off. He owned a house with $700k in equity. He had $350,000 in severance and his last year's pay. This was the picture she was looking at when she said she wanted to put a plan in place.
Unfortunately, that financial picture quickly changed. The husband never bothered to get another job. Despite repeated requests both from her, and myself, he opted to sit at home for not one year, but two years, three years, and four years - claiming the "job market was bad". Pretending he "couldnt find a job".
His son commented to me "Dad will do anything in his power not to have to work. He hates working. It was a major stress point in his previous marriage."
During this time, instead of working and bringing in income, he chose to spend his savings on their living expenses. Also during this time, for some reason - he assumed my mother had signed all her things over to him as beneficiary. For some reason, the entire 9 year marriage, he never bothered to ask her if she did. Nor did he check. He just assumed she did because he did.
Another factor. My mother had a terminal illness. It was slow moving, but she suffered blue fingers and rupturing fingertips as well as signficiant physical pain from the autoimmune condition she had. Despite this, she was up every morning in the cold, driving to work while he sat at home comfy in bed. This was a major stress point for me, as well as the fact that he was wasting their financial safety net just so he could sit around and relax all day. While my sick mother worked.
This is why she never put an estate plan in place. Their once huge chunk of $ was quickly becoming little or nothing. She never allowed him to spend her 401k however. And rightly so. She was the only one working.
Unfortunately at age 65, she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension. At the time we thought she had only a few years to live. My cordial nature quickly went out the door. I told the husband he had 3 months to get a job, or he was going to sell the house, and move her to Phoenix where her symptoms seemed to clear up. I made no qualms about the fact that my mother was no longer going to work while he sat at home.
They sold the house. Used $300k to buy a new $600k house in Phoenix. Pocketed the remaining $300k. The picture at that time was - $300k of his and $300k of hers.
Unfortunately again, he still refused to get a job. He decided it was a great time for him to retire. So from year 5 to year 9 of their marriage, they nearly depleted the remaining $300k of his money. Again - this is because his was not taxable and hers was. And because she was the only one who worked.
Three years ago my mother took out $150,000 in life insurance policies and put his name as sole beneficiary on them. On her existing policies she removed me as beneficiary and put him instead. She attempted to take out more, but was unable to, due to her health condition.
By the time 2009 rolled around, they had almost nothing in savings left, except her $300,000 401k ....
On Christmas of this past year, she died.
I was informed by their financial advisor that I was named as sole beneficiary on her $300,000 ...401k.
This is when the husband found out for the first time that his assumption was wrong. She had not left it to him. He said it was like a bucket of ice water being poured over his head. He commented that he wonders if their whole marriage was a "sham". He was livid. His entire savings was going to be taken from him, and half of his (social security) income was going to be stopped. He was concerned how he would support himself and keep from going into bankruptcy. He fears that he cant make the house payments, and will be out on the street (despite having 3 sons and a huge family who would support him).
More importantly, he states that they spent all his money and none of hers. That he has to believe it was an oversight on her part to leave her son that money, or else he has to believe that she used him and deceived him for all those years. One of his sons called her a "Gold digging scumbag" if she truly left her money to me instead of his Dad. They all strongly feel that their dad spent all his money through the marriage, and she spent none of hers, and now it was all being taken from him and given to me.
My feeling is that my mother is the only one who worked. And that it was his personal decision to waste his savings, despite repeated warnings from me and her that he get a job and not deplete the financial safety net. THis is *exactly* what we were afraid would happen. I had no idea my mom left me as beneficiary. She had no intentions of dying anytime soon, and he feels she was planning to put something else in place, but never got around to it. I simply dont know what to believe, or what to do. I have received countless insulting, hateful emails from his son, and other emails of better quality from other family members begging me to give him the money. The financial advisor told me he was blowing through it so fast that there would be no way $300k would be left by the time he died.
He absolutely rejects the possibility that a mother would leave her savings to her son instead of to him. While I was grieving the loss of my mother, he retained an attorney and began working behind the scenes to find ways to get the money put into his name instead.
He stated that they had brainstorming conversations 2 or 3 years ago about leaving 50% of her savings to me and 50% of her savings to his sons. And leaving all $300k to him until he died. However, she never put anything in writing, and never followed through.
So now we are in a huge bind. And im not sure what to do. I have no desire to hurt him, but I hate that he made my mother work - while sick - well into her retirement years as he sat on his *ss at home and contributed nothing. His sons tell me I am out of my mind - that he had a very high paying job and contributed hundreds of thousands to the marriage from *before* he got laid off. I commented that is irrelevant because he depleted it so that he wouldn't have to work. Nobody could force him to work. And he summarily ignored us with a big smile on his face the entire time we pleaded with him to get a job and NOT spend his savings.
At the same time, the guy is in a real financial bind now. My mother was my only family. And i mean ONLY FAMILY. From my birth until now, she was the only person in my life. I have no living father and I am currently alone in this world - literally. Not married, no other close family of any kind. Distant relatives all comment that she did not "forget". That she took out those life insurance policies for him and the IRA was for me.
I just dont know what to do. I feel evil harming a widower. But I dont know what my mom was thinking. Was this her wish? Why didnt he ever talk to her about it? Why did he just assume? Was she planning on changing it but never did? I am still so angry that he made her work. There is no doubt that shortened her life. She died at 69. Ive lost my only family in the entire world, when she should have been around another 15 years.
Thanks for any opinions.
Would like everyone's take on this situation. Sorry for its length. But would you grab a cup of coffee and give this a read through, and let me know what you think?
=============
My mother has been married 3 times. Most recently her third marriage, 9 years ago at age 60. I am her only son of 35 years, and her only direct family.
Prior to her marriage, she designated me as beneficiary on her $300,000... 401k account.
Upon marrying, her third husband signed her name as beneficiary on everything he had. He did not create a will, or an estate plan, or a trust of any kind. Just signed her name as bene. She was given the opportunity to do the same, but sent a letter back commenting that she did not wish to change beneficiaries, but instead wanted to consult an estate planning attorney and discuss putting together an intelligent plan.
The husband held a very high paying job, and the day they married, he was laid off. He owned a house with $700k in equity. He had $350,000 in severance and his last year's pay. This was the picture she was looking at when she said she wanted to put a plan in place.
Unfortunately, that financial picture quickly changed. The husband never bothered to get another job. Despite repeated requests both from her, and myself, he opted to sit at home for not one year, but two years, three years, and four years - claiming the "job market was bad". Pretending he "couldnt find a job".
His son commented to me "Dad will do anything in his power not to have to work. He hates working. It was a major stress point in his previous marriage."
During this time, instead of working and bringing in income, he chose to spend his savings on their living expenses. Also during this time, for some reason - he assumed my mother had signed all her things over to him as beneficiary. For some reason, the entire 9 year marriage, he never bothered to ask her if she did. Nor did he check. He just assumed she did because he did.
Another factor. My mother had a terminal illness. It was slow moving, but she suffered blue fingers and rupturing fingertips as well as signficiant physical pain from the autoimmune condition she had. Despite this, she was up every morning in the cold, driving to work while he sat at home comfy in bed. This was a major stress point for me, as well as the fact that he was wasting their financial safety net just so he could sit around and relax all day. While my sick mother worked.
This is why she never put an estate plan in place. Their once huge chunk of $ was quickly becoming little or nothing. She never allowed him to spend her 401k however. And rightly so. She was the only one working.
Unfortunately at age 65, she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension. At the time we thought she had only a few years to live. My cordial nature quickly went out the door. I told the husband he had 3 months to get a job, or he was going to sell the house, and move her to Phoenix where her symptoms seemed to clear up. I made no qualms about the fact that my mother was no longer going to work while he sat at home.
They sold the house. Used $300k to buy a new $600k house in Phoenix. Pocketed the remaining $300k. The picture at that time was - $300k of his and $300k of hers.
Unfortunately again, he still refused to get a job. He decided it was a great time for him to retire. So from year 5 to year 9 of their marriage, they nearly depleted the remaining $300k of his money. Again - this is because his was not taxable and hers was. And because she was the only one who worked.
Three years ago my mother took out $150,000 in life insurance policies and put his name as sole beneficiary on them. On her existing policies she removed me as beneficiary and put him instead. She attempted to take out more, but was unable to, due to her health condition.
By the time 2009 rolled around, they had almost nothing in savings left, except her $300,000 401k ....
On Christmas of this past year, she died.
I was informed by their financial advisor that I was named as sole beneficiary on her $300,000 ...401k.
This is when the husband found out for the first time that his assumption was wrong. She had not left it to him. He said it was like a bucket of ice water being poured over his head. He commented that he wonders if their whole marriage was a "sham". He was livid. His entire savings was going to be taken from him, and half of his (social security) income was going to be stopped. He was concerned how he would support himself and keep from going into bankruptcy. He fears that he cant make the house payments, and will be out on the street (despite having 3 sons and a huge family who would support him).
More importantly, he states that they spent all his money and none of hers. That he has to believe it was an oversight on her part to leave her son that money, or else he has to believe that she used him and deceived him for all those years. One of his sons called her a "Gold digging scumbag" if she truly left her money to me instead of his Dad. They all strongly feel that their dad spent all his money through the marriage, and she spent none of hers, and now it was all being taken from him and given to me.
My feeling is that my mother is the only one who worked. And that it was his personal decision to waste his savings, despite repeated warnings from me and her that he get a job and not deplete the financial safety net. THis is *exactly* what we were afraid would happen. I had no idea my mom left me as beneficiary. She had no intentions of dying anytime soon, and he feels she was planning to put something else in place, but never got around to it. I simply dont know what to believe, or what to do. I have received countless insulting, hateful emails from his son, and other emails of better quality from other family members begging me to give him the money. The financial advisor told me he was blowing through it so fast that there would be no way $300k would be left by the time he died.
He absolutely rejects the possibility that a mother would leave her savings to her son instead of to him. While I was grieving the loss of my mother, he retained an attorney and began working behind the scenes to find ways to get the money put into his name instead.
He stated that they had brainstorming conversations 2 or 3 years ago about leaving 50% of her savings to me and 50% of her savings to his sons. And leaving all $300k to him until he died. However, she never put anything in writing, and never followed through.
So now we are in a huge bind. And im not sure what to do. I have no desire to hurt him, but I hate that he made my mother work - while sick - well into her retirement years as he sat on his *ss at home and contributed nothing. His sons tell me I am out of my mind - that he had a very high paying job and contributed hundreds of thousands to the marriage from *before* he got laid off. I commented that is irrelevant because he depleted it so that he wouldn't have to work. Nobody could force him to work. And he summarily ignored us with a big smile on his face the entire time we pleaded with him to get a job and NOT spend his savings.
At the same time, the guy is in a real financial bind now. My mother was my only family. And i mean ONLY FAMILY. From my birth until now, she was the only person in my life. I have no living father and I am currently alone in this world - literally. Not married, no other close family of any kind. Distant relatives all comment that she did not "forget". That she took out those life insurance policies for him and the IRA was for me.
I just dont know what to do. I feel evil harming a widower. But I dont know what my mom was thinking. Was this her wish? Why didnt he ever talk to her about it? Why did he just assume? Was she planning on changing it but never did? I am still so angry that he made her work. There is no doubt that shortened her life. She died at 69. Ive lost my only family in the entire world, when she should have been around another 15 years.
Thanks for any opinions.
