Baby born on Friday - all communication with Father has fallen apart

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

I gave birth on Friday morning via c-section and in trying to keep things civil between Dad and I, I notified him of the baby's birth by 8:00 pm Friday night and offered to let him visit at the hospital Friday evening. He visited with the baby for 3 hours on Friday night and I told him he and his parents could come back on Saturday for a little bit.

He came back, with his parents, for 2 hours on Saturday and I asked him if he could leave so I could take a nap. He said he had no intention of leaving and when I very calmly insisted, he left but said he would "talk to me about this later."

He texted me and asked when he could return, and I said let me get some sleep and we can talk about it. I texted him the next AM (Sunday) and said I didn't know when we were going home, but if he didn't visit on Sunday I would be sure he could visit on Monday.

He texted me back and said that he "Is concerned with the apparent lack of cooperation from me beginning with the birth." and that "He doesn't feel my attitude and witholding him from his son is in the child's best interest." He went on to say that he had 5 hours in his son's first 24 hours of life and that isn't enough.

He demanded I provide him with a copy of the birth certificate (which I did not - he is not listed and did not sign an Acknowledgment of Paternity) and has said he will be seeking custody of the child as he "Is his and he will have him."

I have stopped communication with him at all for the time being. I told him I do not need this right now, and while I had hoped we could be civil and he could step into the roles we had outlined in our plan, I don't know why he is behaving in the manner he is when I was happy to allow contact and began doing so within 12 hours of birth.

What would he need to do to establish paternity, visitation, etc? Since he will not hear any reason at all in us working out a plan...what is a judge likely to order in terms of parenting time, custody, etc for him? I have no problem with him being an involved Dad and I know that my son should have a relationship and time with his Father, but it does concern me that he refused to leave and has gone on and on about it not being "enough!" Am I right to think it is better for there to be a court order or court signed parenting time plan so he has to return him when he is supposed to?

Thank you a bunch...I had hoped I wouldn't need much more advice here...but it seems I am returning and asking for your wisdom!

 

[SESmama]

Court orders protect all parties.

 

[mistoffolees]

I have stopped communication with him at all for the time being. I told him I do not need this right now, and while I had hoped we could be civil and he could step into the roles we had outlined in our plan, I don't know why he is behaving in the manner he is when I was happy to allow contact and began doing so within 12 hours of birth.

What would he need to do to establish paternity, visitation, etc? Since he will not hear any reason at all in us working out a plan...what is a judge likely to order in terms of parenting time, custody, etc for him? I have no problem with him being an involved Dad and I know that my son should have a relationship and time with his Father, but it does concern me that he refused to leave and has gone on and on about it not being "enough!" Am I right to think it is better for there to be a court order or court signed parenting time plan so he has to return him when he is supposed to?

I'm assuming that you and the father were never married - which I think is the case from your previous posts. If that's not correct, much of the following won't apply.

Legally, you did more than you had to - and a judge would probably be sympathetic to your need to get some sleep after a C-section.

He will need to file in court to have paternity established and then ask for a custody/visitation/parenting plan. That will take a little time, but it will happen.

In the interest of harmony and what's best for the child, you may want to be proactive. Look up your state guidelines for infant visitation schedules. During the first months, the visits are likely to be very short and quite frequent, possibly in your home so the child isn't dragged all over the place for visitation. In any event, if you propose the state guidelines, that will express your willingness to work with him. If you and he can work out a different schedule, that's OK, but at least you have something on the books.

There is one factor to consider. You will probably be requesting joint legal and primary physical custody of the child. In principle, both the father and mother have equal rights and 50:50 might be a better default (if you live close enough to make it work), but I don't see that for an infant. This is probably the one case where a uterus does give you an advantage. I would imagine that at least for the first year you would request primary physical. Whether you modify that to 50:50 after that is a question you should address.

 

[Banned_Princess]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? North Carolina

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What would he need to do to establish paternity, visitation, etc? Since he will not hear any reason at all in us working out a plan...what is a judge likely to order in terms of parenting time, custody, etc for him? I have no problem with him being an involved Dad and I know that my son should have a relationship and time with his Father, but it does concern me that he refused to leave and has gone on and on about it not being "enough!" Am I right to think it is better for there to be a court order or court signed parenting time plan so he has to return him when he is supposed to?

First of all, why didn't his mother, having been a mother, tell her son, that it is best if you get some sleep.

Second, there was no reason you couldn't have let him sit quietly next to you alone to be with a baby (who was probably asleep) he would have got bored and left. I agree with him on that. you should get used to him being with the baby alone, because that is going to happen very quickly. I am pro dad on this, you let him in the door, he should have been simpathetic to your need for sleep, but you might have been harsh in telling him so.

Third, why didn't he sign the AOP? its still time to do that, why haven't you let him?

He could file in court today if he wants to. they would DNA test him, since you wont agree he is the father for some reason, they would set up the custodial parent (you) and would give him visitation. not depending on how you are feeding the baby, they will do whats good for a infant. a few days a week, then overnights, at some close point.

If you guys can work up a plan to bring to court that would be best.


Child support should also be ordered right away.

 

[ecmst12]

If he files in court right away and you can afford it, it's not a bad idea to get a lawyer just so you don't have to worry about the paperwork AND taking care of a newborn at the same time. If he doesn't, then wait until you feel ready to handle it and YOU file for paternity/custody/visitation/support.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

I'm assuming that you and the father were never married - which I think is the case from your previous posts. If that's not correct, much of the following won't apply.

Legally, you did more than you had to - and a judge would probably be sympathetic to your need to get some sleep after a C-section.

He will need to file in court to have paternity established and then ask for a custody/visitation/parenting plan. That will take a little time, but it will happen.

In the interest of harmony and what's best for the child, you may want to be proactive. Look up your state guidelines for infant visitation schedules. During the first months, the visits are likely to be very short and quite frequent, possibly in your home so the child isn't dragged all over the place for visitation. In any event, if you propose the state guidelines, that will express your willingness to work with him. If you and he can work out a different schedule, that's OK, but at least you have something on the books.

There is one factor to consider. You will probably be requesting joint legal and primary physical custody of the child. In principle, both the father and mother have equal rights and 50:50 might be a better default (if you live close enough to make it work), but I don't see that for an infant. This is probably the one case where a uterus does give you an advantage. I would imagine that at least for the first year you would request primary physical. Whether you modify that to 50:50 after that is a question you should address.

Posting Hx a must on this one, Misto.
Op, you're running on emotion right now, take a deep breath and step back a second. Do it again. Ok, now lets tackle this one.

Without reading your previous posts, did the "agreement" that you and your ex come to get filed with the court?

 

[xylene]

Is there a reason why you are being obstructionist about the known father properly being on the child's birth certificate.

Your are hurting your child with this squabble.

 

[InfantCustody]

I have tried to take some deep breaths...thank you.

I can't find any guidelines for the state of NC - the are a "best interest of the child" state and unless I am missing them there is not a starting point.

He did not sign the AOP or birth certificate as he had previously requested a DNA test and I feel he should have the test done so there is no "doubt" down the road as to who his Father is. I don't want him coming back and saying "If he is even mine..." when he gets upset about something and I would never want him to say something like that to the baby. He is also furious that I want to hyphenate the baby's last name - he wants the baby to have his grandfather's middle name (which he does) and only his family last name.

When I asked him to go so I could sleep-it was not a desire to limit his contact with the baby. As I said - I had him there within 12 hours of his birth and welcomed him back the next day. Given that we are not a couple - I didn't feel comfortable with him sitting there while I was sleeping, having nurses checking me, and trying to calm down as I was very upset as a urologist had just been in dicussing surgery the baby may have upcoming in the next few months. I didn't mind him being there it was just all a bit much with pain, emotional upset, etc. I was less than 24 hours out of surgery and giving birth...

The plan we had agreed to was not filed with the court. We had agreed to it on our own and said we would file it with the court after the baby was born.

Ok - I am trying to take a deep breath and be calm. I know he will have time with the baby and I don't mind that at all...I just want to be sure everyone is protected and everything is clear and know what to expect down the road...



Thank you...

 

[liandrajade]

When I asked him to go so I could sleep-it was not a desire to limit his contact with the baby. As I said - I had him there within 12 hours of his birth and welcomed him back the next day. Given that we are not a couple - I didn't feel comfortable with him sitting there while I was sleeping, having nurses checking me, and trying to calm down as I was very upset as a urologist had just been in dicussing surgery the baby may have upcoming in the next few months. I didn't mind him being there it was just all a bit much with pain, emotional upset, etc. I was less than 24 hours out of surgery and giving birth...

Posting history or not, I do not think anyone here can fault her for feeling overwhelmed at this moment. Unless you have had a C-section, the PHYSICAL pain and aspects alone are daunting, nevermind the mental state she is in. We are all jumping on mom to be focused and to be a co parent but it works both ways, dad does not need to be so belligerent either.

Mom may not be perfect or her past posts give the impression of her being stubborn and wanting to have control over everything BUT she is showing an effort and that should most definitely count. Based on what she has posted, dad also has some control issues and wants to be in control of everything and everything too. They both have issues they need to get past in order to BOTH be good parents. No one is better than the other.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

Posting history or not, I do not think anyone here can fault her for feeling overwhelmed at this moment. Unless you have had a C-section, the PHYSICAL pain and aspects alone are daunting, nevermind the mental state she is in. We are all jumping on mom to be focused and to be a co parent but it works both ways, dad does not need to be so belligerent either.

Mom may not be perfect or her past posts give the impression of her being stubborn and wanting to have control over everything BUT she is showing an effort and that should most definitely count. Based on what she has posted, dad also has some control issues and wants to be in control of everything and everything too. They both have issues they need to get past in order to BOTH be good parents. No one is better than the other.

BTDT as far as the C-section is concerned, thank you. I suggested the posting hx as a matter of reading what the two of them had discussed as far as parenting AND what needed to be done with the AOP and establishing custody/visitation/support.

If you go back and read her posting hx, you'd see that this is more than it seems at first. YES mom is trying to work this as well as she can with the circumstances, YES mom is to be applauded for her efforts, BUT until such time as dad has been ESTABLISHED as being dad, she's under NO obligation to do any such thing... Him pushing his way like this? Inconceivable IMO in a hospital room! She invited him in and requested later that he leave so she could sleep, BUT for him to say she's doing ANYTHING to stop him is just asinine!

 

[Nevergrowup]

If he keeps it up, just cut off contact and recover...your baby will suffer if you don't recover...you need to heal. You could get an infection, or pass on severe anxiety to your new little angel...I applaud you for wanting to give him time, which is the right thing to do. You cannot to that at the expense of your health, though. You might want to remind him that you just had major surgery. Do you have any type of relationship with his mother? Perhaps he just doesn't get "it".

 

[LdiJ]

BTDT as far as the C-section is concerned, thank you. I suggested the posting hx as a matter of reading what the two of them had discussed as far as parenting AND what needed to be done with the AOP and establishing custody/visitation/support.

If you go back and read her posting hx, you'd see that this is more than it seems at first. YES mom is trying to work this as well as she can with the circumstances, YES mom is to be applauded for her efforts, BUT until such time as dad has been ESTABLISHED as being dad, she's under NO obligation to do any such thing... Him pushing his way like this? Inconceivable IMO in a hospital room! She invited him in and requested later that he leave so she could sleep, BUT for him to say she's doing ANYTHING to stop him is just asinine!

I agree 100% with this. Dad is being an idiot. I doubt however that dad is being an idiot on his own. Unfortunately I suspect that dad's mother is contributing to his idiocy more than a bit.

 

[liandrajade]

BTDT as far as the C-section is concerned, thank you. I suggested the posting hx as a matter of reading what the two of them had discussed as far as parenting AND what needed to be done with the AOP and establishing custody/visitation/support.

If you go back and read her posting hx, you'd see that this is more than it seems at first. YES mom is trying to work this as well as she can with the circumstances, YES mom is to be applauded for her efforts, BUT until such time as dad has been ESTABLISHED as being dad, she's under NO obligation to do any such thing... Him pushing his way like this? Inconceivable IMO in a hospital room! She invited him in and requested later that he leave so she could sleep, BUT for him to say she's doing ANYTHING to stop him is just asinine!

I agree 100%, I think "alleged dad" is being ridiculous there too. I think he is being way too pushy way too soon. There's nothing wrong with trying to be a good parent BUT mom needs to take care of herself too. This is the worst possible time to stress out and aggravate yourself. And me, 3 c-sections....my kids wanted to drive me nuts.

 

[nextwife]

Why couldn't mom sleep while dad holds and rocks his baby?

One shouldn't be exclusive of the other. Mom's need for sleep shouldn't impact dad's baby interaction - it's not mom he's there to hold. Is there not someplace down the hall he could sit with baby? Surely there are many situations in which mom's need rest and dad's interact out of mom's way. When my SIL was ill after birth (septic shock), brother was holding and rocking his baby in a room set aside for this, out of mom's earshot.

And frankly, if I were a dad and had no actual way to be certain of paternity, I sure would not sign anything until paternity was verified.

 

[xylene]

He did not sign the AOP or birth certificate as he had previously requested a DNA test and I feel he should have the test done so there is no "doubt" down the road as to who his Father is. I don't want him coming back and saying "If he is even mine..." when he gets upset about something and I would never want him to say something like that to the baby. He is also furious that I want to hyphenate the baby's last name - he wants the baby to have his grandfather's middle name (which he does) and only his family last name.

Thank you for answering my question.

It is clear he is the one being obstructionist

BTW, his name does not have to be part of the baby's name. That is not a legal requirement. That is only in his mind.

Good luck.