Dad wants step-mother to exercise his visitation time-regularly

[LdiJ]

Why did you make it a point to call your ex's wife everything but that before calling her step-mom? Partner? Girlfriend? She's his wife therefore your child's step-mom. Obviously, you have a problem with that.

Whoa, Eekamouse, since when are stepparents anything more than legal strangers to a child? Since when are they due some special respect from the actual parent of the child?

You sound to me like a control freak kind of parent who can't see her own flaws but is plenty quick to list all of her ex's shortcomings. You're not sharing one of your toys with the ex. Your child is also HIS child and you don't get to play selfish little games.

I think that you are out of line on this one. Yes, mom's attitude towards telephone communication is poor and everyone has addressed that, but dad opting to not exercise his parenting time in the past, and wanting his wife to exercise his parenting time in the future, is not a shortcoming of mom's. Dad insisting on 50/50 when he has barely exercised any parenting time in the past is not a shortcoming of mom's either.

 

[TTMom]

Frequency

Yes you are correct....Mom is free to move wo child and If was not in context. OP needs counsel pronto ..seems to me status quo of an absent rarely visiting parent is likely a weak bar to Mom and child relocating w court permission especially within CA ....IF OP moves that ball forward with counsel quickly . BUt Mom needs counsel .

A lot of her comments do not help her......It s a bit hard to follow just how much visitation Dad has been exercising .

Dad exercises visitation one week per quarter over the past 2-1/2 years with the exception of the past 6 months where has not seen him since July.

I can not afford counsel this time around. I agree, if I am going to move I have to do it now and quick.

My advocacy is for Dad to spend time with the child. Being put in a situation where a parent is capable of planting a stand-in is not co-parenting. I do not prevent access to the child in person nor phone calls. I have become aggravated at multiple calls during dinner or pestering in the same fashion while our hands are tied. He can leave a message/send a text if we don't answer and he will get back to Dad. Dad has information about all of his child's activities and has access to his electronic calendar.

 

[TTMom]

Thank you

Whoa, Eekamouse, since when are stepparents anything more than legal strangers to a child? Since when are they due some special respect from the actual parent of the child?



I think that you are out of line on this one. Yes, mom's attitude towards telephone communication is poor and everyone has addressed that, but dad opting to not exercise his parenting time in the past, and wanting his wife to exercise his parenting time in the future, is not a shortcoming of mom's. Dad insisting on 50/50 when he has barely exercised any parenting time in the past is not a shortcoming of mom's either.

Thank you for your comment. I do provide access to child for Dad over the phone. I do note, it seems calling in the car has decreased.

I am focused on advocacy for Dad and child time without the function of cost until after the agreement is made. He is opposed this.

 

[HRZ]

THe safe way to move with child is to get it blessed by court order ASAP f such is to be ....and right now you may have a fact pattern that is in your favor to move and get a better job to better provide for child .

I urge you to get good counsel next week .

And keep your mouth shut ...if Dad suddenly relocates to the area it changes the fact pattern !

 

[TTMom]

THe safe way to move with child is to get it blessed by court order ASAP f such is to be ....and right now you may have a fact pattern that is in your favor to move and get a better job to better provide for child .

I urge you to get good counsel next week .

And keep your mouth shut ...if Dad suddenly relocates to the area it changes the fact pattern !

Dad is not returning for any significant period of time but his wife is and expects to get visitation. The only thing I can find on this is related to a step parent after their relationship ended with the child's Mom or Dad. Nothing on existing step-parent visitation.
I'm in a rock and a hard place no matter what route, non are good (all would have a monstrous legal battle).

 

[LdiJ]

Dad is not returning for any significant period of time but his wife is and expects to get visitation. The only thing I can find on this is related to a step parent after their relationship ended with the child's Mom or Dad. Nothing on existing step-parent visitation.
I'm in a rock and a hard place no matter what route, non are good (all would have a monstrous legal battle).

You are not within a rock and a hard place as regards to the stepmother. You can just say no. You have absolutely no obligation to give her visitation until or unless a court orders that she can exercise his visitation. Since dad has exercised only a very small fraction of his visitation in the last two years, its clear that your son has no closely established relationship with the stepmother, so I cannot see a judge agreeing to that.

I also cannot see a judge granting dad a 50/50 timeshare when he has exercised such a small fraction of the time available to him in the last two years. You are operating from a position of much greater strength than dad is. You even have a reasonable shot at being able to relocate with the child, despite the fact that dad is returning to the area in March...since dad is not returning for any significant amount of time.

 

[TTMom]

Contacted by his attorney...

His attorney contacted me today stating he is moving back and this is a change in circumstance. I know he has described himself as moving back but doesn't have local or regional employment. I disagree there has been a change in circumstance (or will be).
He wants to modify custody to a week on and off but I know he won't be here those weeks.
I'm terrified of another long dtawn out litigation but I know I can't negotiate with him or his attorney.
What's my next step? I'm scared to call her.

 

[LdiJ]

His attorney contacted me today stating he is moving back and this is a change in circumstance. I know he has described himself as moving back but doesn't have local or regional employment. I disagree there has been a change in circumstance (or will be).
He wants to modify custody to a week on and off but I know he won't be here those weeks.
I'm terrified of another long dtawn out litigation but I know I can't negotiate with him or his attorney.
What's my next step? I'm scared to call her.

You should not call her at all. If they had any kind of viable case for a 50/50 timeshare his attorney would not be sending you letters, his attorney would have filed for a modification. If you want to send a simple reply in writing that you do not feel that a 50/50 timeshare is in the best interest of your son, you may do so. You may also repeat your willingness to negotiate with dad with the assistance of a court appointed mediator. You have every right to stand your ground on this one. You have every right to insist that a schedule be developed that would require dad to actually be present for his parenting time.

You would also have the right to negotiate a relocation for you so that you can get a better job in your field. I would feel better if you had an attorney, but you can do this without one if you are prepared to stand your ground and not let yourself be intimidated into agreeing to things that are not in the best interest of your child.

 

[HRZ]

OP ...Circumstances gave you a small window of a fact pattern favorable to your point of view to relocate w child for better job options and child's better options . and you seem to have blown the window ...and Dad has counsel laying in paper to establish his presence back in the area and narrow that window .

You have about zero odds for change unless you get counsel , asap. You are a poor advocate of your position !

CUrrently you are free to follow the current order exactly as written .

The window may still be there ....but Dad is taking steps to narrow or close it....and you need counsel like today if you expect any changes .

 

[TTMom]

He already has 50/50

You should not call her at all. If they had any kind of viable case for a 50/50 timeshare his attorney would not be sending you letters, his attorney would have filed for a modification. If you want to send a simple reply in writing that you do not feel that a 50/50 timeshare is in the best interest of your son, you may do so. You may also repeat your willingness to negotiate with dad with the assistance of a court appointed mediator. You have every right to stand your ground on this one. You have every right to insist that a schedule be developed that would require dad to actually be present for his parenting time.

You would also have the right to negotiate a relocation for you so that you can get a better job in your field. I would feel better if you had an attorney, but you can do this without one if you are prepared to stand your ground and not let yourself be intimidated into agreeing to things that are not in the best interest of your child.

The Dad already has a rotating schedule allowing him 50/50. He does not take advantage of the time. He is trying to remove the language where he forfeits his time when he's not available so he can farm out the child.

I am waiting to respond to her email but assume I should respond simply stating something to the effect of...

I do not agree to a custody modification. The current custody agreement works for the child, if the Dad were to be present for visitation, it would benefit the child. I would be amenable to agreeing on a holiday schedule where Dad commits to being present, which the court requested we agree upon in co-parenting counseling but Dad refuses to attend. I have been amenable many times in our history to allowing Dad to extend his visitation when he is available but Dad has not shown up for visitation on a regular basis at any point in the child's life. These sorts of changes can be accommodated on an as needed basis. Considering Dad's visitation has never amounted to the frequency for which the order dictates, I think Dad needs to show he is participating prior to any modification. If Dad can not commit to being present for his visitation, a move away custody modification is appropriate. It would be beneficial to the child to move out of the area so his primary care provider can secure a better paying job where we can live, work, and attend school in the same community.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

I see no reason to reply to the email at all.

 

[TTMom]

I am aware

OP ...Circumstances gave you a small window of a fact pattern favorable to your point of view to relocate w child for better job options and child's better options . and you seem to have blown the window ...and Dad has counsel laying in paper to establish his presence back in the area and narrow that window .

You have about zero odds for change unless you get counsel , asap. You are a poor advocate of your position !

CUrrently you are free to follow the current order exactly as written .

The window may still be there ....but Dad is taking steps to narrow or close it....and you need counsel like today if you expect any changes .

I am aware of the window for which you speak but we are dealing with a school aged child who is currently in the midst of his school year, has just been evaluated by the school and put on an IEP due to behavior issues surrounding his ADHD.

I know Dad is trying to close the window. This is why I need to keep the currently custody agreement until I can secure another job elsewhere but I am having trouble marketing myself due to all of these factors and FEAR. I am oppressed by this man and there's no one to help me...

 

[not2cleverRed]

The Dad already has a rotating schedule allowing him 50/50. He does not take advantage of the time. He is trying to remove the language where he forfeits his time when he's not available so he can farm out the child.

I am waiting to respond to her email but assume I should respond simply stating something to the effect of...

I do not agree to a custody modification. The current custody agreement works for the child, if the Dad were to be present for visitation, it would benefit the child. I would be amenable to agreeing on a holiday schedule where Dad commits to being present, which the court requested we agree upon in co-parenting counseling but Dad refuses to attend. I have been amenable many times in our history to allowing Dad to extend his visitation when he is available but Dad has not shown up for visitation on a regular basis at any point in the child's life. These sorts of changes can be accommodated on an as needed basis. Considering Dad's visitation has never amounted to the frequency for which the order dictates, I think Dad needs to show he is participating prior to any modification. If Dad can not commit to being present for his visitation, a move away custody modification is appropriate. It would be beneficial to the child to move out of the area so his primary care provider can secure a better paying job where we can live, work, and attend school in the same community.

Have you documented this pattern?

What HRZ was alluding to, is that when there is a long enough deviation from following a court order (like a parent voluntarily not exercising their parenting time when they on paper have 50/50), that deviation becomes the "status quo", and you can request that the court order be modified to reflect the status quo - it is a change of circumstances since the order was issued. You had that option, and did not follow through.

 

[TTMom]

I know

Have you documented this pattern?

What HRZ was alluding to, is that when there is a long enough deviation from following a court order (like a parent voluntarily not exercising their parenting time when they on paper have 50/50), that deviation becomes the "status quo", and you can request that the court order be modified to reflect the status quo - it is a change of circumstances since the order was issued. You had that option, and did not follow through.

I am aware. According to the existing order, the Dad forfeits his time when he's not available and was supposed to spend at least 30% of the time scheduled. I knew he would not do it but my attorney did not advocate for me. I said over and over again, he will not do this. He can afford to take a year off work and pretend to be available for purposes of calculating child support and a custody agreement. NO ONE cared what I said. I attempted to modify the child support order based on actual visitation but I chickened out when I knew it would bring on litigation. The state child support lady said multiple times to me, why are you doing this? He is paying religiously and on time, even early and there are many people who get nothing.

So with this said, I would state I do not agree to a custody modification for the schedule. Dad has voluntarily not exercised his visitation, the status quo is <1% visitation or has exercised his visitation on # days over the past 2+years. I would be amenable to creating a holiday schedule where Dad must be accountable for his visitation, as has been ordered by the courts and Dad has refused to participate. Otherwise, the current custody order is sufficient because it allows Dad 50/50. A change in the version of 50/50 would not likely be beneficial for the child because...(use of those 'what is beneficial for the child examples)

Additionally, it would not gain Dad additional time because the child has standing activities on X day of the week where I trade with another family so our child and their child can participate in the activity. If Dad were to take on this responsibility on this day of the week, it would prevent the child from getting to bed on time which is not beneficial for the child (i.e., Dad lives across town the other way so even if he drove the other child home, he'd have to backtrack to his home and child would get to bed a hour late. Child needs the sleep schedule he is on for his benefit.)

Everything is documented!! It's easy peasy, I maintain an electronic calendar with the ordered visitation schedule and mark each period of time as cancelled or confirmed. I have this from birth and the child is 9 years old.

Keep in mind, this visitation schedule was created because our previous one stated, visitation by agreement at 10% = hell for me. So I requested a modification for a schedule so Dad could plan on being available. I thought this would increase his visitation but it did not.

 

[t74]

...

Additionally, it would not gain Dad additional time because the child has standing activities on X day of the week where I trade with another family so our child and their child can participate in the activity. If Dad were to take on this responsibility on this day of the week, it would prevent the child from getting to bed on time which is not beneficial for the child (i.e., Dad lives across town the other way so even if he drove the other child home, he'd have to backtrack to his home and child would get to bed a hour late. Child needs the sleep schedule he is on for his benefit.)

You scheduled activities on Dad's time? If this is the case, you had no right to do so without Dad's approval. And you are now making excuses as to why Dad should not exercise visitation.

You really need to work with an objective advisor. You come across as unreasonable.