dealing w/ an abusive teenage son

[debra9us]

What is the name of your state? Il

I currently have custody of my teenage son who just turned 15.
His father has legal visitation.
My son went to live w/his father approximately 1 year ago. This was a mutual agreement between me and his father. No legal moves were made for custody. My son went to live w/his father because he was physically & verbally abusive w/me. I did not report this abuse to the police...but friends and family are aware of the situation. My son ran away from his fathers home about 1 week ago. My son said that his father put him out. The police found him today and we had a family crisis intervention session w/ a counselor. He is temporarily staying w/ a friend. At this session today he was once again verbally abusive and made it know that he was not going to live w/me and follow my rules. He thinks he should be able to run and do whatever he wants. He said he would make my life a living hell. His father at this point says he will "maybe" take him back in. What should I do?? I am fearfull about my son. I do believe that he would harm me if given the chance. I have offered to give his father custody...but he doesnt want to do that at this point. If I relinquish my rights to him I will be turned over to dcfs. I have tried everything. I am at my wits end.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

This is really very simple.

You tell him that in 1 month, you're both going on a "mother/son" vacation to Brazil. How fun! And, that you're both going to take in the sights and local culture. That's the story you tell him.

Then, you take yourself and him to get your pictures taken for your Passports.

Then, after you get your Passports, you buy two tickets to Brazil - - a round trip ticket for you, and a one-way ticket for him.

You fly into Brazil.

You get into a cab and go to the hotel you've previously made room arrangements.

You get to the hotel and get to your rooms, but do not unpack your bags!

After getting him settled into his room, you take his Passport without letting him see you. You then tell him you're going to the gift shop for a magazine.

However, the reality is that you're going to the front desk with an envelope. In the envelope is two hundred dollars in Brazilian money, and your note to him - - "Dear Sonny Boy: You're old enough to dislike me and your father? Then you're old enough to take care of yourself. Hope you like your new home and country. Here's $200.00 to get you started in life. Don't waste it. Love, Mom." Have the hotel clerk deliver the envelope to his room.

Then, you turn on your heals, take your bags out of the hotel, hail a cab, and get back to the airport. Fly home.

Let Brazil take care of him.

IAAL

 

[kat1963]

Why would Dad even consider taking custody at this point? You think he wants to be liable should the boy steal a car & run over a group of people? Heck no...Who do you think will be?

Send him to Brazil.

Make him a ward of the state. Both you and your ex will be required to pay child support & medical bills. Your obligation will be your own; giving up any child support you might be still getting does not negate your end of the support.

Bring him home, practice "Tough Love" and have on hand a few hundred rolls of duct tape. Try http://www.toughlove.org/

Get together with your ex & send him to a military style boot camp.

Other then that, those left lobe lobotomies worked for the Kennedy clan.

Good Luck!

KAT

 

[suzeeh]

TOUGHLOVE

If there is a chapter of Tough Love near you, I would join the group. I have been in the exact same situation with a teenage son and had to send him to live with his Dad also. The mouth was horrible and he also became physically abusive. The last time however I called the police rather than my normal threats. He has yet to hit me again.
With these kids normally they've been threatened and have suffered no real consequences. They believe they have rights to everything. Tough Love will tell you they have a right to nothing other than a roof over their head and food. They don't even have the rights to have a door on their bedroom and members of Tough Love will come to your house and help you take if off if that's a problem. They will take their TV, stereo and any other items they think they're "entitled" to and they will earn them back. Members will help give you the strenght you currently don't possess with these little monsters. They give you a backbone becuase you are physically and mentally tired from dealing with their behavior. I highly recommend them.

 

[ktarra617]

this boy sounds like he is a poster child for Oppositional Defiant Disorder!

My daugher has it and these types of kids can be utter hell to live with sometimes. No matter how much you love them it seems like you can't get through to them.

Like suzeeh said these type of kids think they are equal to adults and have all the same rights and privledges that we do. These kids have to be shown through tough love and discipline that they are not adults, they are children and as such do not own anything and are not entitled to anything other than a roof over their heads, food on the table(at meal times, snacks are extra) and clothes on their backs. Other than that they aren't entitled a thing.

However at this point it seems like a bood camp would be a good idea for this boy, he may be to the point that mom and dad stepping in will not help all that much, however don't give up hope!!!

There is a very good book out on the subject of ODD called "The Oppositional Child: A parent's guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's by a George Riley I believe. Ofcourse for a definite diagnosis you should have the boy examined by a licensed psychologist.

Good luck to you!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Psychologists, boot camp, tough love, child support, all BULLSH*T!

They're all money grabbers.

You've had enough, and want no more of this pain-in-the-ass!

Brazil is the way to go. Much cheaper in the long run, and no support is necessary. You'll never see the kid again. No muss, no fuss. It's quick and it's permanent, and once done, it's all over.

And, that's a good thing.

IAAL

 

[suzeeh]

Brazil is funny but far fetched

Although the Brazil idea if very, very funny and tempting, it's not very practical. ARe you really a parent? I wish I could get that cold that I could ship him off.

Yellow Rose is right. It definitely sounds like ODD. My son also was diagosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Yep there are a lot of money grubbers out there but just like if the kid had heart problems or leukemia, are you supposed to not seek treatment? Is it absolutely all the kids fault for being "sick"? Some kids are totally spoiled but some definitely have chemical imbalances that can be treated and help them lead successful lives. For years I've fought with my ex about the medicine issue but he wouldn't see it until my son stole a $225 Armani sweater. The next day he was on Wellbutrin and the ex calls to remind me he needs it on days I have him. Amazing what an experience with the legal system will do to get you to come around.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Re: Brazil is funny but far fetched

Although the Brazil idea if very, very funny and tempting, it's not very practical. ARe you really a parent? I wish I could get that cold that I could ship him off.

Yellow Rose is right. It definitely sounds like ODD. My son also was diagosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Yep there are a lot of money grubbers out there but just like if the kid had heart problems or leukemia, are you supposed to not seek treatment? Is it absolutely all the kids fault for being "sick"? Some kids are totally spoiled but some definitely have chemical imbalances that can be treated and help them lead successful lives. For years I've fought with my ex about the medicine issue but he wouldn't see it until my son stole a $225 Armani sweater. The next day he was on Wellbutrin and the ex calls to remind me he needs it on days I have him. Amazing what an experience with the legal system will do to get you to come around.

My response:

That's right. Spend more money on the legal system on a child who couldn't care less. Just what your retirement fund needs - - another sap on your finances.

Wellbutrin - - there's another huge expense after the expensive doctor visits. And, you'll have nothing but a "Zombie" walking around your house. The kid is worthless, and with that medication he'll REALLY be worthless. Why bother?

Brazil, Brazil, Brazil!!!

IAAL

 

[ktarra617]

while I agree that all those drs and medicines do take money and time and can be costly to your emotional health sometimes they are worth it. (my daughter takes Aderall XR and is not in no way a zombie. If she was I woulnd't have her on it. But I tell you atleast it calms her down enough that she's not bouncing off the walls and I don't feel like I am going insane)

Especially if you catch these problems early enough that intervention can work, unfortunately there are those children that IAAL points out that simply don't care and want what they want just because that's what they want.

And those children sometimes have to learn on their own (if they ever do) that the world does not bend to their wishes.

Our poster may already be to the point that she is no longer capable of handling his problems(and I don't believe she deserves to be blamed for it. Some kids are just like this.)

She really needs to sit back and look at all her options (INCLUDING BRAZIL) and think about what is best for both her son and herself. She should also consult with dad but it appears that neither of them really know what to do with the child.

And if letting the child become a ward of the state because neither parent can deal with the child then they need to be aware of the consequences of those actions, being that they will have to pay support and will likely already further the detioration of whatever relationship exists. Although that may be moot at this point, there seems like there is little relationship to salvage.

Good luck to her and her son (I hope he gets the help he needs, although it may not be the kind he wants)

 

[VeronicaGia]

There's a psychological name for all kinds of bad behavior now. Put the kid on this pill, that pill, the other pill, heck, all three pills. It will help kill the bee's in his bonnet.

It's all a bunch of crap. Has the child been for a phych evaluation? If so, and a qualified doctor has found nothing wrong, he's just a brat who wants to do what he wants to do. Take him to Brazil. Better yet, take him to France, he can let out all his aggression on those sissies!

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

unfortunately there are those children that IAAL points out that simply don't care and want what they want just because that's what they want.

And those children sometimes have to learn on their own (if they ever do) that the world does not bend to their wishes.

She really needs to sit back and look at all her options (INCLUDING BRAZIL) and think about what is best for both her son and herself. She should also consult with dad but it appears that neither of them really know what to do with the child.



My response:

Brazil is a terrific "dumping ground" for recalcitrants.

Okay, so Mom doesn't necessarily have to "turn on her heals and get on the airplane" immediately. She can, while she's there, take in a day or two of some of the sights and sounds. Take a tour. Then leave.

But, this method requires no further action on her part. No more money expenditures, no more threats, no more court system, no more police, no more support, no more ANYTHING having to do with the kid.

After a "mourning" period, believe me, you'll feel better - - just as if your kid died in an auto accident. You'll mourn for awhile, and then when your check book fattens up because money isn't being expended on this crap-for-a-brain kid, you'll really appreciate the "Brazil Method."

And, he'll learn a new language too - - if he wants to survive.

He'll learn things like, "Comida" = food.

And, "Por favor, no morir a mi." = Please, don't kill me.

You see, Brazil does have it's benefits to all parties.

IAAL

 

[ktarra617]

yes there are a bunch of new dianosis' out there now. My daughter is ADHD and ODD. I can treat the ADHD with the Aderall, however there is no treatment for the ODD other than go old fashioned discipline and making damn sure that the child learns that they are not the parents.

I know to some it may seem like we are wimping out but when you have done everything you know how to do what else is there left to try? I personally have tried everything from spanking to taking everything she has away from her. Nothing phases her.

It wasn't until I got the book I mentioned above that I saw some in light in dealing with my child and the way she acts. My daughter is still young and I was at a loss as to what to do with her. But I am trying the best I know how, so please don't just jump on the bandwagon and say all medicines are bad. My daughter has improved in school since she began taking her medicine and has improved at home in her ability to make decisions as to how she chooses to behave.

The problems that a lot parents run into is that they don't work with the dosage. The get a wrong dosage and just take them off the meds. You have to get the RIGHT dosage that keeps the child as active as any other child but at the same it calms them enough to see the way they behave.

The other problem is these children are smart enough to say "oops I didn't have my pill today so I can do what I want"

You have to answer that with "Wrong, you will still learn to control yourself." However young children like my daughter still don't have the maturity to control themselves as much as we would like them too.

meds are not for everyone but they have helped us see a light at the end of the tunnel in my home.

however I will say this there does come point where you have to let go, our poster may be at that point, I however am not.

just my two cents.

 

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

My response:

Well, ktarra617, you may "not be at that point" - - yet, but you may well be in a few years. You know, you'll need time to give the police a try, the courts a try, the school authorities a try, the psychiatrists a try, and all the while, your money is flitting out the window.

But, any kid that has to take these halucinigenics will, at some point, drive you to suicide. It always happens.

You're only putting off what will inevitably happen tomorrow because all of these drugs are merely a "patch" that will eventually blow. The drugs do not cure. They cannot cure what is genetically wrong. They only make the kid live in a fog. Is that any way for a child to live?

As soon as your child is an adult, she'll go back to her old ways because her brain was genetically damaged from birth. But you, as a parent, will ALWAYS be concerned and worried, no matter what her age. Is that any way for you to live?

But, you'll always remember when your kid is 14, 15, or 16, that Brazil is there and waiting for you and your kid. Brazil will be beckoning you with her loving, caressing hands and bosom, waiting to receive your child, and welcome you with an open heart.

Then, you'll dump her where she belongs.

IAAL

 

[suzeeh]

Not ready to give up yet

I agree on the meds. You just can't give up if the first medication doseage doesn't work. You may have to try several different ones. I haven't invested 16 years on my son yet to give up. I told him however that if he drops out of school likes he's threatened, then don't call me, write me, ask for money or anything. I'm done. I'm not going to support a child the rest of his life because he chooses not to help himself. I've been told my kid is a master manipulator by the school. He's very cute and has a charming personality when he chooses. Unfortunately, that's not going to get him through life.

I understand the frustration. YOu want to pull your hair out when they start they're stunts and will not take no for an answer. They keep on yelling and carrying on until they wear you down which is their "PLAN". They've got it down to a fine art and I am disgusted by myself that I can let it happen repeatedly. It's embarrassing to have the rest of my family and friends know about each of his episodes, dealing with the school, etc. You have to have support but I know the real key is to say no a heck of a lot more than I have and not to give in.

 

[VeronicaGia]

yes there are a bunch of new dianosis' out there now. My daughter is ADHD and ODD. I can treat the ADHD with the Aderall, however there is no treatment for the ODD other than go old fashioned discipline and making damn sure that the child learns that they are not the parents.

I know to some it may seem like we are wimping out but when you have done everything you know how to do what else is there left to try? I personally have tried everything from spanking to taking everything she has away from her. Nothing phases her.

It wasn't until I got the book I mentioned above that I saw some in light in dealing with my child and the way she acts. My daughter is still young and I was at a loss as to what to do with her. But I am trying the best I know how, so please don't just jump on the bandwagon and say all medicines are bad.

I cut your quote off at this, because I wanted to make a point. I'm not saying you're wrong, but my problem is this.

My father had five brothers and a sister. My mother had three sisters and two brothers. I have nine brothers and sisters. Of those, seven of them have children (over 20 kids). Of those, six of them have children (11 more kids). Of all of these people just in my family I've listed, only one has been on medication for ADD. Why? What did they do right that we are doing wrong now? They didn't have pills and potions, a clinical name for every time a child acted up! Some psychological drivel every time a child did something wrong, some weak excuse for every time a child threw a temper tantrum. The one thing they all had was intact families, except of course, the one who is on Ritalin for ADD.

So, what did our parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. do before all these wonder drugs, all these clinical names, all these psychoses were "discovered", all these excuses?

Once again, I'm not saying your child doesn't need this medication, or that it doesn't help, or that there's nothing wrong...I just wonder what parents did for all those years before wonder drugs came along and changed the make-up of our childrens brains.