Long Distance Parenting Plan Advice

[gapeach404]

I hope that what you meant to say was that those men who just want to punish women for not wanting a relationship are making it harder on the dad's who really want to parent and love their children.

Yes this. I wish my ex was the latter so we both can move on and co-parent. Today's fight is about this year's holiday schedule.

Last year I got Thanksgiving day, he got Fri - Sun. Christmas he got 12/20-12/25, I got 12/26-1/2/17.

This year he asked for Wed-Sun of Thanksgiving and 12/24-12/25, which I'm fine with and I asked for 12/26- 1/3/18 and he won't agree. He wants me to bring our son back on 12/31 so he can spend NYE with him. He knows I want to take our son to Disney World and is just being difficult. In the end my son is the one that loses. It's all so very exhausting.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes this. I wish my ex was the latter so we both can move on and co-parent. Today's fight is about this year's holiday schedule.

Last year I got Thanksgiving day, he got Fri - Sun. Christmas he got 12/20-12/25, I got 12/26-1/2/17.

This year he asked for Wed-Sun of Thanksgiving and 12/24-12/25, which I'm fine with and I asked for 12/26- 1/3/18 and he won't agree. He wants me to bring our son back on 12/31 so he can spend NYE with him. He knows I want to take our son to Disney World and is just being difficult. In the end my son is the one that loses. It's all so very exhausting.

Ok, that is a perfect example of dad being unreasonable. Last year you got Thanksgiving day and dad got the rest of the weekend. Therefore, this year dad should get Thanksgiving day and you should get the rest of the weekend. In dad's mind you should not get any of the holiday.

Last hear he got Christmas and Christmas eve...you apparently got the rest of Christmas Break. This year he wants the same thing, but wants to deprive you of New Years as well.

Dad is clearly not reasonable. Its honestly time to let it go in front of a judge and let the judge decide.

 

[t74]

OP apparently wanted the time after Christmas for a trip. It would be far easier to justify a flip-flop for both holidays.

I don't understand wanting to split Thanksgiving 1 and 3. The travel logistics will be horrible. Similarly it is troubling for Christmas with two days at prime travel time. The poor child does not get to enjoy the holidays because he is being pulled in two directions; I'm sure he'd rather be playing with gifts rather than traveling on Christmas Day or the day after. He is going to hate holidays with the tug of war over him.

The loser in this battle is the child. Your son needs an advocate; there is being fair to the parents and being best for the child.

 

[CJane]

OP apparently wanted the time after Christmas for a trip. It would be far easier to justify a flip-flop for both holidays.

I don't understand wanting to split Thanksgiving 1 and 3. The travel logistics will be horrible.

Travel logistics are terrible for Thanksgiving, regardless. For example, my kids only get out at noon on the Wednesday. Our custody order stated that my daughter was supposed to be in MO (via Specific Airline) at 9am on Wednesday. So, she missed school, and there wasn't a flight from Specific Airline that got her there anyway. IMO, Thanksgiving shouldn't even be addressed in long distance orders. There simply isn't a good time to travel for such a short weekend.

Similarly it is troubling for Christmas with two days at prime travel time. The poor child does not get to enjoy the holidays because he is being pulled in two directions; I'm sure he'd rather be playing with gifts rather than traveling on Christmas Day or the day after. He is going to hate holidays with the tug of war over him.

Even in intact families, Christmas is often spent traveling.

My kids always transferred houses on 12/27. My husband's kids are SUPPOSED to transfer houses on 12/26. This year, they'll fly home on Christmas day because their mom has plans. *shrug* Everyone gets over it, is relatively happy, and needs only a tiny bit of therapy.

The loser in this battle is the child. Your son needs an advocate; there is being fair to the parents and being best for the child.[/QUOTE]

 

[gapeach404]

Your son needs an advocate; there is being fair to the parents and being best for the child.

He has a GAL (appointed by the judge) that sits back and remains neutral and has not been vocal or active in any of this.

 

[LdiJ]

OP apparently wanted the time after Christmas for a trip. It would be far easier to justify a flip-flop for both holidays.

I don't understand wanting to split Thanksgiving 1 and 3. The travel logistics will be horrible. Similarly it is troubling for Christmas with two days at prime travel time. The poor child does not get to enjoy the holidays because he is being pulled in two directions; I'm sure he'd rather be playing with gifts rather than traveling on Christmas Day or the day after. He is going to hate holidays with the tug of war over him.

The loser in this battle is the child. Your son needs an advocate; there is being fair to the parents and being best for the child.

A week at Christmas is perfectly normal and doable. The child gets to have Christmas twice. Once at each home. I do not see any problem with traveling on the 26th.

Thanksgiving can be more problematic but only if parents are unable to be clever about it. There is no reason why someone cannot have their Thanksgiving dinner on Friday or Saturday. It does not HAVE to be on Thursday.

 

[Ohiogal]

Yes this. I wish my ex was the latter so we both can move on and co-parent. Today's fight is about this year's holiday schedule.

Last year I got Thanksgiving day, he got Fri - Sun. Christmas he got 12/20-12/25, I got 12/26-1/2/17.

This year he asked for Wed-Sun of Thanksgiving and 12/24-12/25, which I'm fine with and I asked for 12/26- 1/3/18 and he won't agree. He wants me to bring our son back on 12/31 so he can spend NYE with him. He knows I want to take our son to Disney World and is just being difficult. In the end my son is the one that loses. It's all so very exhausting.

That is the worst time in the year to take your child to Disney World. It is the most expensive, most crowded, and has nothing going for it to go to Disney World then.

 

[stealth2]

My two also traveled during the holidays. Tday, we simply alternated the w/e, W-Su. Sometimes Tu-Su, depending on schedules. Christmas was the end of school - 12/26 to one parent, 12/26-day before school starting to the other - alternated yearly. Really, it's not that big a deal. The flexibility works better, longterm, anyway - as the kids become adults, have other obligations, etc., it helps THEM to not have to stress jugging schedules further complicated by SOs, etc.

Honestly? It only becomes a problem when the "adults" make it one.

 

[LdiJ]

My two also traveled during the holidays. Tday, we simply alternated the w/e, W-Su. Sometimes Tu-Su, depending on schedules. Christmas was the end of school - 12/26 to one parent, 12/26-day before school starting to the other - alternated yearly. Really, it's not that big a deal. The flexibility works better, longterm, anyway - as the kids become adults, have other obligations, etc., it helps THEM to not have to stress jugging schedules further complicated by SOs, etc.

Honestly? It only becomes a problem when the "adults" make it one.

A friend of the family always had her Thanksgiving Dinner the Saturday of Thanksgiving week and her Christmas the Saturday closest to Christmas. She did that so that her children never had to feel conflicted about who to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with. All of the exs and inlaws were so greatful for that, that they made sure the kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids always were able to be there for hers.

 

[t74]

He has a GAL (appointed by the judge) that sits back and remains neutral and has not been vocal or active in any of this.

Then ask to have him replaced. Being neutral - ie, not taking a parent's side (your position) - is appropriate. Not representing the child is not.

BTW, The fact that you expect him not to be "neutral" is part of your problem.

Is the trip a "look, I am a better parent" moment for your child? You have stated you earn far more than his dad. I see doing this in the middle of a custody war as bribing the child. Orlando's activities should be there for many years to come.

 

[stealth2]

A friend of the family always had her Thanksgiving Dinner the Saturday of Thanksgiving week and her Christmas the Saturday closest to Christmas. She did that so that her children never had to feel conflicted about who to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with. All of the exs and inlaws were so greatful for that, that they made sure the kids, grandkids, greatgrandkids always were able to be there for hers.

That's when we do TDay. And generally do Christmas on Jan 7 (Russian Christmas). Allows the kids to do their thing on "the day" while still preserving our family holidays. The only holiday non-negotiable is Orthodox Easter, as the traditions aren't quite as portable (and besides, I get one "day"). I will admit to feeling somewhat annoyed that the stbSIL's Mom feels entitled to every Mothers Day - mostly because she sees the kids most weekends (they live up that way). But, meh. It's a day that can be ceebrated any time.

 

[stealth2]

It shouldn't even be Dad's business where Mom takes the kid on vacation on her time.

 

[HRZ]

I know nothing about NY ...but a bit about negioation ...and it seems to me the sticking point is not about summers...it's about control and money..and if you were to agree about summers , dad would find a new demand or point of contention.?

In theory what is best for child is supposed to be high on list ...but that's often in eye of beholder.

Don't make blanket statements about schools ...your credibility goes out the window. IF you have what you think are credible statistics about the specific NYC school your son would attend and the specific NC school your son would attend ...print them out with sources etc ...and let your attorney decide IF and how to add any such card. It's unlikely a NY judge is going to openly address a supposedly poor NYC school .....

Think thru the option that Dad s least likely to want ?

 

[gapeach404]

Then ask to have him replaced. Being neutral - ie, not taking a parent's side (your position) - is appropriate. Not representing the child is not.

BTW, The fact that you expect him not to be "neutral" is part of your problem.

Is the trip a "look, I am a better parent" moment for your child? You have stated you earn far more than his dad. I see doing this in the middle of a custody war as bribing the child. Orlando's activities should be there for many years to come.

There is a point where the GAL needs to make a recommendation. The judge clearly asked him in June after the forensic report was released what his recommendation was for the child. He said he's not ready to give one yet because both parents have valid points for custody. My attorney asked him if he read the report and if so how is it he can still think both parents have valid points? To which he said "of course I read the report, you think I didn't read the report?" To which my attorney said again "if you read the report how can you possibly think both parents points are valid?". He never answered the question. The report clearly stated that the father admitted to hitting our son at 14 months, smoking marijuana daily and domestic violence against me. It also revealed a personality disorder. GAL was also opposed to a forensic evaluation.

How is me making memorable moments with my son bribing him? I've worked hard at my career and am being compensating for my hard work so I'm not supposed to give my son things because Dad doesn't? It's not that he cant afford to, he'd rather spend his money on luxury cars and motorcycles.

Then ask to have him replaced. .

I asked my attorney about this months ago. He does not think this would be a good idea since GAL was appointed by the judge. He says this would be looked upon negatively by the judge and put us on her bad side.

 

[gapeach404]

I know nothing about NY ...but a bit about negioation ...and it seems to me the sticking point is not about summers...it's about control and money..and if you were to agree about summers , dad would find a new demand or point of contention.?

That has been the case on many occasions. Last year he asked our son's former DCP to mediate a settlement and I agreed to exactly what he asked for and he reneged at the last minute. He did the same thing during our session with the forensic psychologist. This is his MO. He reneged on the move to NC and he's reneged on several offers. He has no intentions of settling which is why I really want the trial to start so the judge can hear all of this and realize the courts are going to have to decide this.