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Long Distance Parenting Plan Advice

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What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

My Ex's attorney reached out to my attorney to try and settle before we go back to court next week when the forensic psychologist is scheduled to testify. The sticking point is summer vacation. Our son is a preschooler (3yo) and Dad is asking for all summer (June & July). My issue with that (a) he also wants me to pay his airfare for him to come to NC every month to see our son and let him stay in our home so no cost to him whatsoever (b) our son’s birthday is in July so that means I won’t be with him every year for his birthday, something I’m not willing to agree to.

Can someone please give me some guidance on standard long distance parenting plans for toddlers and birthdays?
 


Ohiogal

Queen Bee
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

My Ex's attorney reached out to my attorney to try and settle before we go back to court next week when the forensic psychologist is scheduled to testify. The sticking point is summer vacation. Our son is a preschooler (3yo) and Dad is asking for all summer (June & July). My issue with that (a) he also wants me to pay his airfare for him to come to NC every month to see our son and let him stay in our home so no cost to him whatsoever (b) our son’s birthday is in July so that means I won’t be with him every year for his birthday, something I’m not willing to agree to.

Can someone please give me some guidance on standard long distance parenting plans for toddlers and birthdays?
Then don't move. Because quite frankly, dad will get most of the summer with you maybe getting one week or so at the beginning and end. You should pay transportation because you are moving. Or you leave the child with Dad and you do a long distance visitation schedule. Seems fair. What would you want if you lose custody to dad? Is dad still paying you child support every month? Is there going to be a child support order? If so then dad is supposed to keep paying you and cover the cost of your choice to move? That isn't right and a court won't order that. You could always pay to fly the child to and from dad's once a month (there are usually long weekends) but you would also have to pay the cost of a second person to accompany the child at this age. But that is an alternative. Could you afford two round trips a month from NC to NY?
 

adjusterjack

Senior Member
Can someone please give me some guidance on standard long distance parenting plans for toddlers and birthdays?
"Standard" doesn't mean anything.

It's what you and your ex can both live with that counts.

Give him June and July in exchange for paying his own way during the year.

So what if you miss birthdays. You'll survive and so will the kid. And you can celebrate at other times of the year.

Compromise or you can both continue to fatten your lawyers' wallets.
 
Then don't move. Because quite frankly, dad will get most of the summer with you maybe getting one week or so at the beginning and end. You should pay transportation because you are moving. Or you leave the child with Dad and you do a long distance visitation schedule. Seems fair. What would you want if you lose custody to dad? Is dad still paying you child support every month? Is there going to be a child support order? If so then dad is supposed to keep paying you and cover the cost of your choice to move? That isn't right and a court won't order that. You could always pay to fly the child to and from dad's once a month (there are usually long weekends) but you would also have to pay the cost of a second person to accompany the child at this age. But that is an alternative. Could you afford two round trips a month from NC to NY?[/QUOTE]

Yes I can and I prefer that actually over having him in my home (he was abusive when we lived together, which he has admitted to during forensic evaluation).

I'm okay with getting a week or 2 during the summer so I can at least take our son on vacation.
 
"Standard" doesn't mean anything.

It's what you and your ex can both live with that counts.

Give him June and July in exchange for paying his own way during the year.

So what if you miss birthdays. You'll survive and so will the kid. And you can celebrate at other times of the year.

Compromise or you can both continue to fatten your lawyers' wallets.
Thanks! I was thinking of doing this or even splitting his airfare 50/50. He's being cheap and doesn't want to spend any money so FX. I do like OG's suggestion too of bringing my son to visit him to keep him out of my personal space.
 

HRZ

Senior Member
You seek to create the travel distance....you should be expected to pick up a big slice of these added costs .

Turn the points upside down...offer to have child stay with dad ......and you pay your own costs for frequent liberal visitations .


BTW. as an aside...where is child more likely to get a good education starting in about 2 years ?
 

Ohiogal

Queen Bee
Yes I can and I prefer that actually over having him in my home (he was abusive when we lived together, which he has admitted to during forensic evaluation).

I'm okay with getting a week or 2 during the summer so I can at least take our son on vacation.
It would most likely be the week after school ends and week before school starts in your area. So counter offer with sending the child to dad at your expense and returning him at your expense once a month during the school year. Don't count on getting the child's birthday. Celebrate after he comes home or before he leaves.
 
You seek to create the travel distance....you should be expected to pick up a big slice of these added costs .

Turn the points upside down...offer to have child stay with dad ......and you pay your own costs for frequent liberal visitations .


BTW. as an aside...where is child more likely to get a good education starting in about 2 years ?
The public schools in NC are much better than the public schools in Queens, NY.
 
it would most likely be the week after school ends and week before school starts in your area. So counter offer with sending the child to dad at your expense and returning him at your expense once a month during the school year. Don't count on getting the child's birthday. Celebrate after he comes home or before he leaves.
thank you!
 

ajkroy

Member
The public schools in NC are much better than the public schools in Queens, NY.
As a public school teacher, this did not seem accurate to me. According to 2017 statistics, NY is ranked #9 and NC is ranked #37.

http://247wallst.com/special-report/2017/01/20/states-with-the-best-and-worst-schools-4/3/
 
As a public school teacher, this did not seem accurate to me. According to 2017 statistics, NY is ranked #9 and NC is ranked #37.

http://247wallst.com/special-report/2017/01/20/states-with-the-best-and-worst-schools-4/3/
Maybe by state but Jamaica Queens definitely does not have good public schools.
 

LdiJ

Senior Member
What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NY

My Ex's attorney reached out to my attorney to try and settle before we go back to court next week when the forensic psychologist is scheduled to testify. The sticking point is summer vacation. Our son is a preschooler (3yo) and Dad is asking for all summer (June & July). My issue with that (a) he also wants me to pay his airfare for him to come to NC every month to see our son and let him stay in our home so no cost to him whatsoever (b) our son’s birthday is in July so that means I won’t be with him every year for his birthday, something I’m not willing to agree to.

Can someone please give me some guidance on standard long distance parenting plans for toddlers and birthdays?
Generally, a long distance parenting plan goes something along the lines of every other Thanksgiving Break, a week at Christmas, every or every other Spring Break, and anywhere from 1/2 to 3/4ths of the summer break. If someone is in a year round school system then 1/2 of every intersession is generally the norm.

You should check the school schedule for the area you wish to move to (most school systems these days have websites) to see how their calendar generally works. I will encourage you to insist on at least 2-3 weeks of summer for yourself. Your child will want to be part of family vacations.

As far as you paying airfare and letting him stay in your home is concerned a judge might very well order you to pay for the cost of transportation for holidays and summer, but its really unlikely that a judge would order that for monthly visits (it all depends on finances), and as for allowing him to stay in your home, a judge absolutely would NOT order that.
 
Why do you need to move to NC?
My company moved from NY to NC and asked me to transfer with them, with a promotion. Father agreed verbally (we were still together at the time) then changed his mind, filed for custody after I accepted the job and bought a home. For the past 16 months I've been back and forth with our son due to this case which is now coming to trial this week. The forensic evaluation which I requested came back that it’s in our son’s best interest to move with me to NC. Father admitted during his sessions with the psychologists to drug use, spanking our son at 14 months and domestic violence against me.
 
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